Their charity, for a wedding gift?

[DMRick]

What would you do, if you got an invite to a wedding, and it said if you feel you want to give a gift, since we both had our own homes, and nothing is needed, we would appreciate a donation to "save the Cows", or "send a grandfather to college to meet girls". We'll those are obviously not the charities..however, the charity is something I don't agree with (I'll not mention which one, since I don't want the topic at hand to become a for/against type post..but I will say, that I think many will be offended that will be attending this wedding, and the couple had to know that). There is no way, that I can give to their charity and feel good with myself. I want to give something..so, do I just don't give to anything, or give to my own charity, or ask them if they mind if I give elsewhere?

 

[MELSMICE]

If you don't agree with the charity they have decided on & would like to give something then I saw give to another charity or just don't give a gift at all.

A gift is not necessary, you choose whether you want to give one or not.

 

[vivilasvegas]

I really can't answer without knowing the problem with the charity. I don't really like PETA, but if the couple were asking me for that to be my donation, I can suck it up and give to PETA.

Is it really that bad? If it's something you find morally/ethically wrong, then I would just give them a check and tell them to give the money to a charity of their choice. That way, you aren't giving the charity you don't like money directly.

 

[JadenLayne]

Hey! Whats wrong with Save the Cows

Seriously I just wouldn't give or if you choose to give to your own charity then do so.

 

[monkeyboy]

"Send Monkeyboy to WDW" is a fine charity

 

[Evil Genius]

Is the charity really that offensive, that alot of their guests will be upset?? I guess I just can't see what can be that bad. If it upsets you and others that much, I wouldn't give anything to any charity, just a congratulations card if you are so inclined.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

If it were a charity I strongly disagreed with I'd give to another charity. Maybe I wouldn't give to MY favorite charity if it were someplace that I felt they had no interest in --- but certainly there has to be some charity out there that you feel would honor them and be acceptable to your own beliefs?

I really don't think I'd contact them about it first even. People about to get married have enough stress. Hey, everybody gets few wedding gifts that aren't exactly what they asked for.

 

[disneylizzy]

I can make a few guesses as to what the charity might be. I'm not sure what I would do. I think it is kinda rude to tell your guests that this is what you have to give. I always thought you aren't supposed to put the gift registry stuff in the wedding invitation, that people are supposed to call and ask if the couple is registered anywhere if they want to know.

Maybe I would give them the money.

 

[sajetto]

I'm not looking to start a debate, but as a bride I think that a guest that wouldn't give to the chairty that I chose is a guest I wish not to attend. If they didn't have the money that's one thing, but its no different than if I had a china set on my registry that you thought was tacky. It doesn't matter what the guest likes, if it is what the bride and groom want then that's what goes and trust me I am FAR from a bridezilla, this is just courtesy.

 

[Cool-Beans]

It is EXTREMELY rude for a bride & groom to dictate what you should or shouldn't do with your money.

Putting aside the idea that they aren't supposed to expect a gift for now. Even if they are so bold as to say they expect a gift , they should NEVER, EVER tell you what to get .

Good God.

As they have been so exceptionally rude, you are totally off the hook. Give them a gift or give them nothing.

Under NO rules of etiquette (or common decency) are you required to give to "Fish Without Fins."

Please don't encourage this bad behavior.

 

[lulugirl]

I don't think the bride and groom are rude at all.
If you find their choice of charity so offensive just give them a card.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I'm not looking to start a debate, but as a bride I think that a guest that wouldn't give to the chairty that I chose is a guest I wish not to attend. If they didn't have the money that's one thing, but its no different than if I had a china set on my registry that you thought was tacky. It doesn't matter what the guest likes, if it is what the bride and groom want then that's what goes and trust me I am FAR from a bridezilla, this is just courtesy.

No, registering is polite. I won't go into the silly and involved reason, but it is. As long as the pretense is kept up.

A bride dictating what people should get her is WILDLY rude.

Your post makes it sound like you are saying, "Spend your money the way I say, or don't come to my wedding!" That would be very selfish and very rude.

A bride is supposed to be surprised and delighted that people thought enough of her to take time and money out of their lives to buy her a gift. She is not supposed to decide ahead of time that they better get one, and they better get THIS, or not even come.

Egads.

 

[miss missy]

Well from Ms. Emily Post http://www.emilypost.com/etiquette/wedding/wedding_gifts.htm

Do I have to choose a gift from a registry?
No. A registry is for your convenience and you are not limited to what is on the list.


SOOOO if you don't have to stay with a registry gift, why should you have tp stay with a donation gift request?? I say do what ever you want and forgetaboutit!!

 

[disneylizzy]

A bride is supposed to be surprised and delighted that people thought enough of her to take time and money out of their lives to buy her a gift. She is not supposed to decide ahead of time that they better get one, and they better get THIS, or not even come.

Egads.

And she is supposed to want her friends and family to come and share and witness this happiest of days with the couple, not shake them down for a political cause.

 

[scrump]

As they have been so exceptionally rude, you are totally off the hook. Give them a gift or give them nothing.

Under NO rules of etiquette (or common decency) are you required to give to "Fish Without Fins."

Please don't encourage this bad behavior.

 

[MareQ]

I'm not looking to start a debate, but as a bride I think that a guest that wouldn't give to the chairty that I chose is a guest I wish not to attend. If they didn't have the money that's one thing, but its no different than if I had a china set on my registry that you thought was tacky. It doesn't matter what the guest likes, if it is what the bride and groom want then that's what goes and trust me I am FAR from a bridezilla, this is just courtesy.

I disagree. It ISN'T about what the bride and groom want - it's what the person wants to give as a gift. They should put some thought into it but ultimately they can give whatever they like. In addition, registries are guidelines, not demands.

 

[challada]

A card w/a gift certificate to Home Depot is perfect. It is something for them together and you don't have to worry about the goofy charity they endorse.


And yes, a bride SHOULD be happily surprised by gifts, not demanding them.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm not looking to start a debate, but as a bride I think that a guest that wouldn't give to the chairty that I chose is a guest I wish not to attend. If they didn't have the money that's one thing, but its no different than if I had a china set on my registry that you thought was tacky. It doesn't matter what the guest likes, if it is what the bride and groom want then that's what goes and trust me I am FAR from a bridezilla, this is just courtesy.

But brides typically register for more than one item and your guest wouldn't have to purchase the "ugly" set if they didn't want to b/c they had other options of what you would also like to receive. It would be rude for them to let you know their opinion--but it wouldn't be rude for them NOT to purchase it as they would have other choices. Heck--if they feel inclined to give a you a gift card instead, that is THEIR choice.

On the topic of donations--are you saying that the *only* people that you are friends with and who are in your family are those people who agree 100% with you? And then you would write them off if they cannot donate to an organization that you designate b/c there is something that conflicts with their beliefs.

We cannot control our guests. Some charities are rather benign and others have policies or beliefs that conflict with people. Asking people who wear fur to support PETA, people to support your conflicting political parties, or any other hot topic out their that has a 5013c that promotes what your guests disagree with and then implying that you would write them off if they couldn't do it *just for you* is so wrong.


To the OP..perhaps a cash donation to the couple to make to whatever charity they choose could be a compromise. *You* aren't donating to the charity that you do not agree with, but then they can make that contribution on their own instead.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

If I love and respect the bride and groom, I would donate to their charity. I have to admire newlyweds who ask for nothing for themselves, but only for others.

Can you give a hint as to what charity this couple is supporting? Even organizations I would never give to do SOME things I can agree with. I would just convice myself that the money was going to that.

 

[tiggerlover]

What would you do, if you got an invite to a wedding, and it said if you feel you want to give a gift, since we both had our own homes, and nothing is needed, we would appreciate a donation to "save the Cows", or "send a grandfather to college to meet girls". We'll those are obviously not the charities..however, the charity is something I don't agree with (I'll not mention which one, since I don't want the topic at hand to become a for/against type post..but I will say, that I think many will be offended that will be attending this wedding, and the couple had to know that). There is no way, that I can give to their charity and feel good with myself. I want to give something..so, do I just don't give to anything, or give to my own charity, or ask them if they mind if I give elsewhere?

I don't feel that the bride and groom's request is rude at all. However, if you do not agree with the charity they have chosen I would simply choose a charity of your choice. A gift is a gift and shouldn't be dictated, it should be something you wish to give with the hopes that the recipient appreciates your thoughtfulness. If they truly lack for nothing and wish no gifts I would respect that and I would give a donation to my favorite charity instead without asking if they mind, I would just do it in the spirit that it was intended.