Blondie
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By Brian Bellmont
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 2:09 p.m. ET Jan. 08, 2004
While Hobbits and computer-generated fish battled for best movie of the year honors, studios churned out plenty of cinematic stinkers that left audiences rioting for refunds. So many, in fact, that a gaggle of worthy competitors escaped being named to the Worst of 2003 list but just barely: Seen Mike Myers dreadful rendition of Dr. Seuss beloved The Cat in the Hat? Or how about The In-Laws, a remake of the far superior 1979 comedy? Five words of warning: Albert Brooks in a thong. Youre welcome.
In the end, though, only the very worst of the worst can be honored for their unflinching ineptitude, unintentional hilarity, or unrepentant bad taste. Here, then, are the bottom 10 movies of the year. Dont say we didnt warn you.
10. Phone Booth
When killer Kiefer Sutherland tells Colin Farrell that your sins have finally caught up to you, he may have been talking directly to the audience. Because suffering through this movie is as close to doing penance as it gets. Farrell is a corrupt publicist who cant leave a phone booth, or else sniper Sutherland will shoot him from a nearby building. This could have worked as a half-hour Twilight Zone, but director Joel Schumacher (of the critically drubbed last two Batman flicks) pads it to try and build tension. Oh no! Hookers want to use the phone! As the (mostly) off-screen voice, Sutherland turns in one of the worst performances of the year. His ov-er-ly-de-lib-er-ate, gravelly delivery and faux-spooky laugh (at one point, he actually gives a mooo-ha-ha-ha!) keeps the audience grinning throughout this silly and ultimately pointless thriller.
9. Bringing Down the House
With Steve Martin and Queen Latifah involved, you might expect some sharp, original or witty commentary on race or class relations. But, sadly, youd be wrong. Instead, the audience is treated to a rote farce thats as by-the-numbers as it gets: Sassy, streetwise (and wrongfully accused) ex-con Queen Latifah tricks stick-in-the-mud, he-aint-got-no-soul lawyer Martin into working on her case. Hilarity ensues, including a scene with a violently upset stomach, Martin going undercover as a rapper in a hip-hop club, and laughless vignettes of the family trying to hide Latifah from their nosy, racist neighbor, Betty White. Eew. Whats funnier than stuffy Joan Plowright getting high? Uh, everything. When go-to guy Eugene Levy cant elevate a flick to something worth checking out, you know its hopeless. You got me straight trippin, boo. Right out of the theater.
8. Dreamcatcher
Movies born from Stephen Kings fertile imagination have run the gamut from sublime (Misery, The Shawshank Redemption) to unwatchable (Maximum Overdrive, The Mangler), and Dreamcatcher falls squarely into the latter category. Pity, too. Formerly respected director Lawrence Kasdan took on Kings vision of an alien invasion and succeeded only in cobbling together a herky-jerky jumble of pod people clichés, flatulent space slugs, monsters in the toilet, and former New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg as the dude who saves the world. Yes, Morgan Freeman adds some much needed class as a renegade alien hunter, but the actors outlandishly bushy eyebrows are the scariest thing in this snoozer. Dreamcatcher, indeed.
7. Malibus Most Wanted
As a doughy, wannabe rapper from the streets of Malibu, poor little rich boy Jamie Kennedy exudes brash unlikability with every clueless turn-of-phrase. Hes Eminem, except he raps about low-carb diets and bleach. (Bradley is his slave name, so he calls himself B-Rad.). His dad, Ryan ONeal, is gettin his campaign on for governor of California, so, in an effort to avoid embarrassment, his advisors hire Taye Diggs and Anthony Anderson to scare B-Rad into giving up his poseur ways. B-Rad figures out the scam, then goes and gets himself kidnapped for real. But our hero still thinks its fake, so he acts uncharacteristically brave, and in the process learns an Important Lesson about being himself, and also gets shot in the *** with a speargun.
6. From Justin to Kelly
Young love on the beaches of Miami: whats not to like? Turns out, plenty. Saccharine, beachside romance blossomed in the Fifties with Frankie and Annette, but this throwback has none of the charm of those classic sand-and-surf flicks. Sure, like Beach Blanket Bingo, folks break into song and dance at the slightest provocation. But remove the mostly forgettable music, and youve got about eight minutes of American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson and runner-up Justin Guarini having good, clean fun in Florida during Spring Break, sending innocent text messages to each others phones. In the end, Clarkson cuts loose, Olivia Newton-John style, and two potential suitors duel for her hand, competing in a hovercraft beanbag contest. Yes, a hovercraft beanbag contest. The only thing that would have improved this mess would have been to recast Justin and Kellys parts with this years winners, Ruben and Clay. Now thats a movie wed like to see.
5. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
Best known for helming edgy TV episodes like Mr. Show with Bob and David and The Ben Stiller Show, director Troy Miller delivers a toothless prequel to the Jim Carrey/Jeff Daniels classic. Sure, Eric Christian Olsen does a killer Carrey impression, but movies are not made by mimicry alone, and the rest of the flick is a truly terrible clone of the first Dumb and Dumber. (Theres a scene with a melted chocolate bar that echoes the gross-out laxative scene in the original flick. Been there, already been nauseated by that.) The plot, such as it is, follows Harry and Lloyd from the moment they (literally) run into each other, to when they foil a plot by Eugene Levy and Cheri Oteri to bilk the school district out of $100,000 by launching a bogus special needs class. Youll be much better off re-renting the original and skipping this pale, humorless copy.
4. The Real Cancun
Even less likable than kindred Spring Break flick From Justin to Kelly, this cringe-worthy reality feature from the creators of MTVs The Real World smells like teen spirit. And rotting fish. In fact, its exactly like The Real World, but with a few wet T-shirt contests and plenty of booze thrown in for good measure. Harmless enough, right? Wrong. Turns out that a reality movie is far more painful to watch than the stuff you can get for free on any number of channels in your living room. The jerky camera work, stock character types, and less-than-spontaneous moments are far more excruciating on the big screen. Especially since you cant fast-forward through the boring parts, and there are plenty of those.
3. Kangaroo Jack
Hairstylist Jerry OConnell and his best bud, Anthony Anderson, get sent on a delivery mission to Australia by crime boss Christopher Walken. Little do they know, however, that once they deliver a packet of cash, theyre going to be killed. If only. They run over a kangaroo, and, believing its dead, dress it up in sunglasses and a red, satin jacket with the packet of money inside. Sure, makes sense. Completely appropriate reaction. Lo and behold, the roo wakes up and hops away, and our heroes spend the rest of this dingo of a movie chasing their cash through the outback. Kangaroo Jack was marketed to a family audience. But the talking, cartoony kangaroo of the TV commercials only shows up in a short fantasy sequence, and gratuitous shots of Estella Warren bathing under a waterfall make this a decidedly non-kiddie-friendly flick.
2. Gigli
Surprise! Despite a palpable lack of chemistry between its stars, Gigli is not the years worst movie. It is, however, as bad as youve heard: the poorly accented Ben Affleck, as a wholly unconvincing tough guy, and Jennifer Lopez, as an equally unconvincing lesbian, abduct a developmentally disabled kid. For two agonizing hours. Trust us, Rain Man, it aint. Gigli is crammed full of memorable moments, and not in a good way. See J-Los girlfriend slit her wrists! Watch as Affleck cuts off a corpses thumb with a plastic knife! Marvel at a fish eating a chunk of brain! But the gross-for-grossness-sake scenes are hardly the worst moments of the film: J-Los remarkably unbelievable, nearly three-minute monologue describing how shes going to gouge out a bullys eye is as excruciating as anything on screen in 2003. Gigli is terrible. Really.
Al Pacino makes a brief appearance, as does Christopher Walken, who has the honor (along with Eugene Levy and Anthony Anderson) of being in two of the years top stinkers. Might be time for new agents, guys.
1. Boat Trip
If youve ever wanted to see Cuba Gooding, Jr., throw up on Vivica A. Fox, youre in luck. But thats not nearly the most offensive thing in this misguided hour-and-a-half that feels like it was written by a twelve-year-old. Oscar winner (!) Gooding and his buddy, Saturday Night Live's Horatio Sanz, plan to pick up women, but instead accidentally book themselves on a gay cruise. A gay cruise! Imagine the comedic possibilities! Youll have to imagine them, because the filmmakers certainly didnt include any in the movie. Every gag or potential joke sinks like the Titanic. Roger Moore slums as a fey passenger, but Gooding is the prime offender, thanks to his unforgivable hamming and the worst portrayal of a drunk person ever caught on film. If you can force yourself through the whole movie, youll wince as Gooding stumbles into a drag show, and shudder as a dozen stranded blondes (the Swedish Sun Tanning Team) board the ship. If you end up renting this seafaring disaster, take plenty of Dramamine, because its guaranteed to make you seasick.
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 2:09 p.m. ET Jan. 08, 2004
While Hobbits and computer-generated fish battled for best movie of the year honors, studios churned out plenty of cinematic stinkers that left audiences rioting for refunds. So many, in fact, that a gaggle of worthy competitors escaped being named to the Worst of 2003 list but just barely: Seen Mike Myers dreadful rendition of Dr. Seuss beloved The Cat in the Hat? Or how about The In-Laws, a remake of the far superior 1979 comedy? Five words of warning: Albert Brooks in a thong. Youre welcome.
In the end, though, only the very worst of the worst can be honored for their unflinching ineptitude, unintentional hilarity, or unrepentant bad taste. Here, then, are the bottom 10 movies of the year. Dont say we didnt warn you.
10. Phone Booth
When killer Kiefer Sutherland tells Colin Farrell that your sins have finally caught up to you, he may have been talking directly to the audience. Because suffering through this movie is as close to doing penance as it gets. Farrell is a corrupt publicist who cant leave a phone booth, or else sniper Sutherland will shoot him from a nearby building. This could have worked as a half-hour Twilight Zone, but director Joel Schumacher (of the critically drubbed last two Batman flicks) pads it to try and build tension. Oh no! Hookers want to use the phone! As the (mostly) off-screen voice, Sutherland turns in one of the worst performances of the year. His ov-er-ly-de-lib-er-ate, gravelly delivery and faux-spooky laugh (at one point, he actually gives a mooo-ha-ha-ha!) keeps the audience grinning throughout this silly and ultimately pointless thriller.
9. Bringing Down the House
With Steve Martin and Queen Latifah involved, you might expect some sharp, original or witty commentary on race or class relations. But, sadly, youd be wrong. Instead, the audience is treated to a rote farce thats as by-the-numbers as it gets: Sassy, streetwise (and wrongfully accused) ex-con Queen Latifah tricks stick-in-the-mud, he-aint-got-no-soul lawyer Martin into working on her case. Hilarity ensues, including a scene with a violently upset stomach, Martin going undercover as a rapper in a hip-hop club, and laughless vignettes of the family trying to hide Latifah from their nosy, racist neighbor, Betty White. Eew. Whats funnier than stuffy Joan Plowright getting high? Uh, everything. When go-to guy Eugene Levy cant elevate a flick to something worth checking out, you know its hopeless. You got me straight trippin, boo. Right out of the theater.
8. Dreamcatcher
Movies born from Stephen Kings fertile imagination have run the gamut from sublime (Misery, The Shawshank Redemption) to unwatchable (Maximum Overdrive, The Mangler), and Dreamcatcher falls squarely into the latter category. Pity, too. Formerly respected director Lawrence Kasdan took on Kings vision of an alien invasion and succeeded only in cobbling together a herky-jerky jumble of pod people clichés, flatulent space slugs, monsters in the toilet, and former New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg as the dude who saves the world. Yes, Morgan Freeman adds some much needed class as a renegade alien hunter, but the actors outlandishly bushy eyebrows are the scariest thing in this snoozer. Dreamcatcher, indeed.
7. Malibus Most Wanted
As a doughy, wannabe rapper from the streets of Malibu, poor little rich boy Jamie Kennedy exudes brash unlikability with every clueless turn-of-phrase. Hes Eminem, except he raps about low-carb diets and bleach. (Bradley is his slave name, so he calls himself B-Rad.). His dad, Ryan ONeal, is gettin his campaign on for governor of California, so, in an effort to avoid embarrassment, his advisors hire Taye Diggs and Anthony Anderson to scare B-Rad into giving up his poseur ways. B-Rad figures out the scam, then goes and gets himself kidnapped for real. But our hero still thinks its fake, so he acts uncharacteristically brave, and in the process learns an Important Lesson about being himself, and also gets shot in the *** with a speargun.
6. From Justin to Kelly
Young love on the beaches of Miami: whats not to like? Turns out, plenty. Saccharine, beachside romance blossomed in the Fifties with Frankie and Annette, but this throwback has none of the charm of those classic sand-and-surf flicks. Sure, like Beach Blanket Bingo, folks break into song and dance at the slightest provocation. But remove the mostly forgettable music, and youve got about eight minutes of American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson and runner-up Justin Guarini having good, clean fun in Florida during Spring Break, sending innocent text messages to each others phones. In the end, Clarkson cuts loose, Olivia Newton-John style, and two potential suitors duel for her hand, competing in a hovercraft beanbag contest. Yes, a hovercraft beanbag contest. The only thing that would have improved this mess would have been to recast Justin and Kellys parts with this years winners, Ruben and Clay. Now thats a movie wed like to see.
5. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
Best known for helming edgy TV episodes like Mr. Show with Bob and David and The Ben Stiller Show, director Troy Miller delivers a toothless prequel to the Jim Carrey/Jeff Daniels classic. Sure, Eric Christian Olsen does a killer Carrey impression, but movies are not made by mimicry alone, and the rest of the flick is a truly terrible clone of the first Dumb and Dumber. (Theres a scene with a melted chocolate bar that echoes the gross-out laxative scene in the original flick. Been there, already been nauseated by that.) The plot, such as it is, follows Harry and Lloyd from the moment they (literally) run into each other, to when they foil a plot by Eugene Levy and Cheri Oteri to bilk the school district out of $100,000 by launching a bogus special needs class. Youll be much better off re-renting the original and skipping this pale, humorless copy.
4. The Real Cancun
Even less likable than kindred Spring Break flick From Justin to Kelly, this cringe-worthy reality feature from the creators of MTVs The Real World smells like teen spirit. And rotting fish. In fact, its exactly like The Real World, but with a few wet T-shirt contests and plenty of booze thrown in for good measure. Harmless enough, right? Wrong. Turns out that a reality movie is far more painful to watch than the stuff you can get for free on any number of channels in your living room. The jerky camera work, stock character types, and less-than-spontaneous moments are far more excruciating on the big screen. Especially since you cant fast-forward through the boring parts, and there are plenty of those.
3. Kangaroo Jack
Hairstylist Jerry OConnell and his best bud, Anthony Anderson, get sent on a delivery mission to Australia by crime boss Christopher Walken. Little do they know, however, that once they deliver a packet of cash, theyre going to be killed. If only. They run over a kangaroo, and, believing its dead, dress it up in sunglasses and a red, satin jacket with the packet of money inside. Sure, makes sense. Completely appropriate reaction. Lo and behold, the roo wakes up and hops away, and our heroes spend the rest of this dingo of a movie chasing their cash through the outback. Kangaroo Jack was marketed to a family audience. But the talking, cartoony kangaroo of the TV commercials only shows up in a short fantasy sequence, and gratuitous shots of Estella Warren bathing under a waterfall make this a decidedly non-kiddie-friendly flick.
2. Gigli
Surprise! Despite a palpable lack of chemistry between its stars, Gigli is not the years worst movie. It is, however, as bad as youve heard: the poorly accented Ben Affleck, as a wholly unconvincing tough guy, and Jennifer Lopez, as an equally unconvincing lesbian, abduct a developmentally disabled kid. For two agonizing hours. Trust us, Rain Man, it aint. Gigli is crammed full of memorable moments, and not in a good way. See J-Los girlfriend slit her wrists! Watch as Affleck cuts off a corpses thumb with a plastic knife! Marvel at a fish eating a chunk of brain! But the gross-for-grossness-sake scenes are hardly the worst moments of the film: J-Los remarkably unbelievable, nearly three-minute monologue describing how shes going to gouge out a bullys eye is as excruciating as anything on screen in 2003. Gigli is terrible. Really.
Al Pacino makes a brief appearance, as does Christopher Walken, who has the honor (along with Eugene Levy and Anthony Anderson) of being in two of the years top stinkers. Might be time for new agents, guys.
1. Boat Trip
If youve ever wanted to see Cuba Gooding, Jr., throw up on Vivica A. Fox, youre in luck. But thats not nearly the most offensive thing in this misguided hour-and-a-half that feels like it was written by a twelve-year-old. Oscar winner (!) Gooding and his buddy, Saturday Night Live's Horatio Sanz, plan to pick up women, but instead accidentally book themselves on a gay cruise. A gay cruise! Imagine the comedic possibilities! Youll have to imagine them, because the filmmakers certainly didnt include any in the movie. Every gag or potential joke sinks like the Titanic. Roger Moore slums as a fey passenger, but Gooding is the prime offender, thanks to his unforgivable hamming and the worst portrayal of a drunk person ever caught on film. If you can force yourself through the whole movie, youll wince as Gooding stumbles into a drag show, and shudder as a dozen stranded blondes (the Swedish Sun Tanning Team) board the ship. If you end up renting this seafaring disaster, take plenty of Dramamine, because its guaranteed to make you seasick.
Also, I know a LOT of people who Liked Bringing Down the House--all under 26!
My mother (53) loved Bringing Down the House 
