The week has finally ended.. Time to adjust and move on.. Final post #138 re my Mom..

[DebIreland]

The flowers are absolutely beautiful C.Ann. I've never seen that before. Here, we just do the regular sprays. You're a very kind and caring daughter. I know it's important that your Mom be buried in something nice but don't overthink it either. Something simple and affordable sounds just right, be it from Goodwill or a department store, it doesn't matter, she will look beautiful.

I just wanted to add that I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are putting thought and care into your Mom's 'baby' too. That baby doll obviously meant a lot to her and the fact that you acknowledge that is very telling of your wonderful character. You are really doing her proud. If we were all blessed with daughters as kind and loving as you we would all die happy and in peace.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

I think the flowers are beautiful.
For the dress, I would just go somewhere that you think you could find a dress she might have liked rather than settle for something you are sure of from the funeral parlor. It might be less expensive too, especially if you go to a thrift store, as another poster suggested. You would be honoring her wish to not spend much money, plus doing a good deed by buying it there.

I think the phone tree sounds like it would work well in your situation.
Most of the announcements after the fact said something like -

Mary D. passed from her earthly life to her heavenly home on -/-/-- in the loving company of her family.
A memorial was held on -/--/-- in celebration of her life. The family requests memorials in her honor to ---------------

Sorry for your loss

ITA Also as a former florist the mums are the best flower to use (also carnations) because they are usually in good shape and hold up well while the more exotic flowers tend to wilt or worse come to the funeral home looking poorly . This happened twice when family members chose roses for the memorial baskets and blanket(or saddle as it is called in the business).

 

[SueM in MN]

I was going to suggest a night gown or nice robe. My Nanny was buried in a beautiful burgundy, velvet robe with gold trim. I felt like it was perfect.
I think those flowers are just perfect! Some how I thought of the "blanket" of flowers as being a blankie for her baby!
I also think most of the time it is just half of the casket open!
Praying for safe travel for your brother and sister as well!
Also glad someone brought up the need to take care of yourself! Please do!

I thought the same thing about the blanket of flowers.
I have also not seen full open caskets; I would think the funeral director will show you what options there are and I personally, would choose the half open.

I had not thought of a nightgown and robe until others mentioned it, but I think that would be a nice option - especially as that was what she lived in for the time in the nursing home.

I think it's sweet you are burying her with her baby. I also think it will be a comfort to your family to know she is with her baby since he meant so much to her and you saw how much more relaxed she got once he was brought to the hospital.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I love the flowers. I wish I would've thought to do that for my dad's funeral. I was so distraught that I could barely make any decisions.

I dislike the nightgown option...REALLY REALLY dislike. I think that a dress is more fitting since it IS a formal occasion afterall.

 

[AustinTink]

The flowers are perfect, C. Ann. Beautiful.

I like the idea of a pretty nightgown/dressing gown for your mom.

For my dad, we dressed him in the 3-piece suit he had just purchased to wear to my wedding. He died one month prior. We also dressed him with his favorite Christmas suspenders and socks. A little secret only the family knew about, but made us smile.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

C.Ann, I am so very sorry for your loss. I read the other thread and my heart just broke for you, but I was so touched by the way her last few hours went. You were so blessed to have been there for that.

I saw the pictures of the flowers and I really do like them. I also like that you are going to bury her baby with her. I'm just not sure about the gown, but you know her better than anyone and if she would like that then I would do it in a heart beat.

We are also going through the same thing this week. My DH lost his dear sweet grandmother yesterday morning. We are having her funeral tomorrow. We knew it was coming and everything was arranged so thankfully there was not to much to do.

There was one thing that I really liked that I saw at a funeral a few weeks ago, and that is they had the family bring in some pictures of the person and they made a slide show that played on a large TV during visitation. I thought it was so sweet. My DH and his family are doing the same thing for her.

I hope your family arrives safely and that all goes well for you all. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[okeydokey]

Hope you slept well C.Ann. Thinking of you today.

 

[Shmily1]

C. Ann, I love the flowers and think I would print out the picture and carry it to the florist. They may can do the same thing and save you some bucks too.

About the dress, I would go to the thrift store and get her something that she would love, take it home and wash it and carry it to the funeral home-never telling them it had come from the thrift store if it would bother your brother. There is no need to spend $100 on a dress to see for a short time if you could find something she would have loved more for $10.

 

[ols386]

So sorry to hear about your mother.

 

[snapppyd]

I think the flowers are lovely.

As for the dress, your Mom sounds like mine. She was a very practical person. We went to a local dress shop and bought something off the sale rack. She always loved to wear silver when she went anywhere fancy, like a wedding. We found a lovely silver gray dress for her that I think only cost about $60. If you have the opportunity, can you check a store like JC Penney - they always have reasonable dressy dresses.

Please be sure to keep eating and take care of yourself!

 

[RadioFanatic]

Looks great and I wanted to let you know I used Frank Gallo for my wedding and they were wonderful to work with me and my budget.

 

[eliza61]

C. Ann, you'll be in my prayers this week. I love the flowers, very elegant. Take a picture to a local florist (actually most florist deal with ftd so they'll be able to recreate very easily).

My mom had a favorite dress that she loved, that's what we buried her in. So if your mom had a dress that she'd favored that you can remember thats and idea.

 

[Minnesota!]

Take care! I think the nightgown is a great idea. I would never ever want to be buried in a dress. Spend eternity uncomfortable? No thanks! We buried my dad in his fave outfit - a flannel shirt, jeans, and socks. It's was "him" and he would have been comfortable in it.

 

[luvflorida]

I think the flowers are beautiful! So sorry for the loss of your sweet mother. Sending more hugs your way.

 

[C.Ann]

Absolutely done.. All of my time, thoughts, and effort were for naught..

My brother did not listen to one single solitary thing I suggested (even things he had previously agreed to).. As a matter of fact, he did the exact opposite.. He wanted to make all of the arrangements himself - and since he was the only one who had the authority to do so (and also had the papers with him indicating what has and hasn't been paid for) - I couldn't have made any of the arrangements if I tried.. (I did ask when I called the funeral home this morning to see how much time the cemetery would require to open Mom's plot next to Dad..)

And he did all of this from a hotel room.. They're still not here.. I can understand taking their time - and taking it easy - but in my mind, the logical thing would have been to leave Florida on Monday morning - not Tuesday night.. (I thought they left early Tuesday morning..)

I'm not going to get into it here - but for very valid reasons, everything needed to take place in the afternoon - viewing and funeral .. Did he listen? No..

We had also settled the issue of not having a full mass due to medical problems that a number of people have (myself and my DD - among others), and again, did he listen? No...

It wasn't an issue with the funeral home or cemetery not being able to accomodate Friday afternoon.. Nor was it an issue with the priest being available - his DD told me that he would be available at any time on Friday.. The man just doesn't listen!

So not only did he waste my time, but I guess he wasted all of yours as well.. I'm sorry about that..

I am trying soooooooooo hard not to be angry with him right now, but it's going to take a boat load of prayers tonight..

I'm just glad I got to say my goodbyes on Monday.. Mom's soul is long gone - and that's the most important part..

My brother will do what he wants to do - and I will do what I need to do.. I just wish he would have had the common courtesy to tell us he was not open to suggestions..

End of story.. I'm done.................

 

[Buckalew11]

{{{hugs, C.Ann}}} It is a very stressful time for your family and I know you are exhausted. Your brother may be showing his *authority* by not listening...and, like you say, OK, you do your thing and I'll do mine.

Sorry he is not cooperating and doesn't "work well with others" I hope you get good rest and hope things go well on Monday.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Absolutely done.. All of my time, thoughts, and effort were for naught..

My brother did not listen to one single solitary thing I suggested (even things he had previously agreed to).. As a matter of fact, he did the exact opposite.. He wanted to make all of the arrangements himself - and since he was the only one who had the authority to do so (and also had the papers with him indicating what has and hasn't been paid for) - I couldn't have made any of the arrangements if I tried.. (I did ask when I called the funeral home this morning to see how much time the cemetery would require to open Mom's plot next to Dad..)

And he did all of this from a hotel room.. They're still not here.. I can understand taking their time - and taking it easy - but in my mind, the logical thing would have been to leave Florida on Monday morning - not Tuesday night.. (I thought they left early Tuesday morning..)

I'm not going to get into it here - but for very valid reasons, everything needed to take place in the afternoon - viewing and funeral .. Did he listen? No..

We had also settled the issue of not having a full mass due to medical problems that a number of people have (myself and my DD - among others), and again, did he listen? No...

It wasn't an issue with the funeral home or cemetery not being able to accomodate Friday afternoon.. Nor was it an issue with the priest being available - his DD told me that he would be available at any time on Friday.. The man just doesn't listen!

So not only did he waste my time, but I guess he wasted all of yours as well.. I'm sorry about that..

I am trying soooooooooo hard not to be angry with him right now, but it's going to take a boat load of prayers tonight..

I'm just glad I got to say my goodbyes on Monday.. Mom's soul is long gone - and that's the most important part..

My brother will do what he wants to do - and I will do what I need to do.. I just wish he would have had the common courtesy to tell us he was not open to suggestions..

End of story.. I'm done.................

You did your best, C.Ann.

 

[Swan4Me]

You are not alone-when we "thought" Mom was dying (but she didnt) we discussed Funeral ideas and Brother wants things HIS way-he was even discussing how he'd cater the after burial gathering at his house.

 

[C.Ann]

You did your best, C.Ann.

Yes, I did.. And now I'm wondering why.. Reminds me of that old saying: "No good deed goes unpunished.."

Be that as it may, I need to concentrate on me now.. A very important doctor's appointment had to be cancelled on Monday and I didn't reschedule because everything was so up in the air (arrangements and such) and I was trying to be helpful.. Dealing with this anger and frustration is very detrimental to my health issues, so I need to find a way to unload it.. I will do that through prayer - because I don't want to argue with my brother right now.. I'll probably be on my knees all night long..

I noticed that in his need to do things "his" way, he totally neglected the part where it's customary in our family to feed people after the funeral.. Because of the early morning hour he has chosen on Friday - the location of the funeral home (the town where my parents lived until I purchased their old home) - and the distance that people are going to have to drive, they'll be lucky if they have time for breakfast - let alone having to miss lunch..

I wonder what he's going to say when the funeral director asks him where to direct people to go for the gathering after the funeral? I hope he has a CC in his pocket with a very large line of credit.. Taking everyone out to eat will not be cheap.. Live and learn, I guess..

 

[Scrap4me]

C. Ann

I wish that I were there in person to give you a big hug. What you tried to accomplish was not done in vain, it was done with love and respect for your mother. You have been in the moment and up close and personal with everything, while your brother has been distant from the situation. It is possible that his grief has not fully hit him yet, and the need to be the controller of it all is how he is holding it together.
You have tried to lessen the burden but it was not accepted. Just know in your heart that you tried. In the days that follow, your grief is going to come in waves...just try not to say anything to your brother that can't be taken back.
In May, my father in law passed away and left 10 angry, fighting children behind. My mother in law had passed previously and everything was peaceful, but this time was so different. He lived 2 states away, and my husband left to go up the day he passed, I didn't go up until the day before the funeral, and I left immediately after. No one could agree on anything, even though things had been pre-planned. Many angry words were spoken, and now the family hasn't even begun to pick up the pieces. I doubt they ever will.
What you are going through right now is tough for anyone to handle. The lack of respect for you by your brother is intolerable, but tolerate it you must. Do not leave your memories of the funeral and such be tainted by what is happening. I sincerely hope that when he arrives (finally) that maybe a meeting of the minds occur, but if it doesn't, I pray that you can find an inner courage to make it through the darkness and find the sunlight that is waiting for you. Remember your mother, her "baby" and the happiness and love that she gifted you with over her long life. Do not dwell on upsets of the current days-she would not want you too!
My thoughts and prayers are with you.