The things some people say!

[Amberle3]

Okay, I'm talking these two up to cultural differences, but it's a good thing I have a decent sense of humour.

DFi is Chinese-American. Oddly enough his family is too. I'm not. I'm overweight, but I was more overweight when DFi and I met and when I met his parents. I've been doing a decent job with losing the weight and getting healthier, and his parents have commented (nicely) on this. We were in Vegas last week checking some things out, and ate at a buffet on our last night. Now I had a fairly decent-sized plate in front of me, mind you it was all salad (with fat free dressing! What a nice thing to see at a buffet). And the next thing I know DFi's father, sitting across from me, says "So, you're eating less now?". I was little taken aback. I just smiled and said no, not necessarily. I'm just eating better.

A few weeks ago my mother (also not Chinese) and I were talking with a financial-type person who did happen to be Chinese. She noticed my mother's age on the forms and commented on how good my mother looked for her age and how nice her skin looked. Then she looked at me and said "Are you adopted?". I just started laughing. My skin is just fine BTW, but my mother is blonde and my hair is auburn. Still, I thought it was rather a bizarre thing to ask.

Now before anyone gets offended that I've mentioned the ethnicity of these people, one thing I've noticed from being around Chinese people a fair amount is that their culture tends to be very straight forward. They either hold their tongue and don't say anything at all, or it's like a flood gate and nothing gets held back. That's where I'm assuming both of these comments came from.

Anyone else have any comments that they can't believe someone actually said to them? Not necessarily mean or hurtful comments, just things that you walk away from after and think "I can't believe XXXXX actually said that".

 

[lynetteSC]

First of all, CONGRATS on both weightloss and your upcoming wedding!
I certainly have a comment that fits into that category! It is not racial, but family related. I hope I don't get banned for posting this! At Thanksgiving one year, we were at my dh's. (We hardly go there b/c they live about 2000 miles from us). At any rate, here we are at the dinner table with all his family (most of whom I have not met since we live faaaaaaaarrrr apart) and one of his relative's asked us if we needed any help with our problem. We must have had a confused look on our face b/c he quickly explained he had some "good homemade videos we could use since we obviously weren't doing something right". We were struggling with infertility at the time!

 

[KM2004]

I'm chinese american. And yes, I must say, at least with my family, no comment is held back. It's never, "Long time no see" but instead, it's "you've gotten fat". Not the best things to say to a growing teenager who's susceptible to comments like that.

Also, it's not just a Chinese thing. I know several Korean and Japanese parents who don't hold back on their comments either.

Before anyone judges though, please understand that it's a different culture in the east. Things are done differently and as such, should be viewed with an unknowing eye, sort of speak.

 

[oogieboogie]

yup... it's an asian thing.

when my parents come over to visit, the first questions out of their mouths have always been:

how much is your utility bill? how much is your mortgage? how much is your grocery bill? Can you afford your bills? How much do you make?

then it goes on... well, your house needs some repair, etc.

To them these are innocent questions, but to me and DH these are intrusions to my privacy. But I figure, hey... I'm only seeing them once a year, I can bite my tongue until they leave.

 

[Amberle3]

Oh yeah, every conversation somehow seems to work it's way back to money with DFi's family. At first it was a little disconcerting, my family almost never talks about money. I have no idea how much my cousin's make for instance. Now I just find it funny, it's interesting to see how long it will be before any particular conversation ends up being about money.

 

[CamColt]

MIL wasnt Asian, but she had a way of saying whatever was on her mind without thinking.
One of the last times we were with her we took her to DS's soccer game and then had her over the house for lunch. While eating she came out and said to me "Wow, youre a good eater".

 

[Shugardrawers]

Do you suppose the weight comments might be due to the fact that most asians are not overweight? As a people they seem to be much smaller than we are. Probably a combination of good genes and better eating habits.

DH and I eat out frequently. Occasionally we'll order and split a desert. I was the one to order it last time. The waitress looked at me astonished and said it would make me fat! Uh, first, it's none of your business lady, second, I wear a size 10/12 so I'm pretty average for an american and third, aren't you supposed to encourage us to buy more off the menu???

 

[sammy215]

I once had a total stranger ask me when I was due. I have no idea where that comment came from. I've never been pregnant, and my co-workers often comment on my flat stomach - now if she'd been looking at my big butt....

 

[worm761]

i am always amazed that people feel the need to comment on or ask my age! i am 28 yrs old. i look closer to 20, if i am lucky! i also have an 8 yr old son. i get alot of "what are you, 19,20?" said sarcastically. and usually after they know how old my son is. i find these comments insulting!

i have a japanese aunt that asks all sorts of financial questions. i guess we all just chalked it up to her culture. i am used to it and always answer. i know she is just concerned and loves us all. but if it were anyone else i would probably tell them to mind their own business!! LOL

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

My husband's family is right from Italy. They have an obsession with food and weight. They usually are the first to say, "Eat, eat!"Then in the second breath the say, She's so big, She must eat alot." Then to that same person they again say'"Eat, eat."You can't win when it comes to weight. I might add those same people that complain about someone else being overweight they to are over weight. They just don't look in the mirror.

 

[Microcell]

You have to remember that cultural differences can hurt feelings, becasue of the different mindset. When my Dear MIL married my FIL who is Filipino and had his parents over she did something that to this day she does not know about that caused very bitter feelings by her inlaws. She had them to stay when they came to the US and she is a neat freak. If she spots something on the floor she has to stop whatever she is doing to clean it. Knowing this about her I felt bad reading a journal my fil's mother wrote. She said that they had breakfast and my MIL cleaned up the leftovers and in her funny way made a joke that went over their heads due to the culture. It was self depricating about her own weight, like "I better get this put up before I balloon up". So she put away the food and knowing her she said to them they could have whatever they want at the start, but my Fil's mother took the putting away food (probably for sanitary reasons) as her not wanting to share her food. By the writing she was obviously miffed at that and went on to say she was controlling of her son.

I read that and thought SO UNTRUE!! He is one of the most stubborn people I know! She is not controlling at all. They could not stand this very nice woman. I still feel bad that they did not get to know her and thought their son must have been so miserable, when they are so happy together! They died thinking that I bet.

 

[Winka]

I know exactly what you're going through but please don't take it too personally. I can tell that you already are aware that it's completely just a cultural difference. I think, in fact, it's a good sign that, regardless of your ethnic differences, they are accepting you into their fold and being as frank and honest as they would to one of their own! (which may or may not prove to be another nightmare entirely!)

If something does truly bother you though, tell your DFi or even your in-laws if you are comfortable and friendly enough to bring it up (it's delicate though, I know.) I think they'll be very open to reconciling.

 

[Shannon G]

DH and I eat out frequently. Occasionally we'll order and split a desert. I was the one to order it last time. The waitress looked at me astonished and said it would make me fat! Uh, first, it's none of your business lady, second, I wear a size 10/12 so I'm pretty average for an american and third, aren't you supposed to encourage us to buy more off the menu???

If a waitress ever said that to me, she would NOT be getting a tip! What kind of waitress insults her customers???

 

[CamColt]

Oh that is another thing that drives me crazy. DH always cringes when it happens because he knows sometime Im going to flip out. I cant tell you how many times we go out to eat and I eat my meal....call me crazy. Then the waitress comes back and will make a comment like "oh wow you did a good job", or something like that. I feel like they might as well be saying"Wow, what a pig you are!".

And I too have gotten the pregnancy comment "Oh are you expecting?". It was 3 days after DS was born and I was at the store. I was horrified and left the store practically in tears.

 

[coliebird]

For the first year at least after my daughter was born, people would constantly say to me "she is beautiful, she looks nothing like you". Gee, thanks a lot

I laughed though b/c I knew what they meant, she is a dead ringer for my husband. Light hair, blue eyes. I have dark brown/black hair and brown eyes. Even though I knew what they meant, it still got to me after hearing it so many times.

 

[jrydberg]

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=669245

That's the one I hear all the time.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Lol, this is kind of funny! My mom is Asian and she is really meek and quiet. I take after my dad, who is white, lol. He is out spoken, and doesn't take any crap from anyone. I have always been more like my dad. He is also very athletic.


So you really can't judge personality solely on ethnicity.