The saga of Baby M....update in post 80

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Glad you have had some good news! I hope things continue to go well! She is a sweet little baby!

 

[mickeysaver]

Good God, what has this baby done to Gabby and I? We are now talking/texting about babies again. Gabby arrived in San Antonio this evening for the week.

Adoption is such a painful paperwork process. I never thought that I would get the totally non-maternal one to even consider being a birthmother, but we are now discussing it. I can't carry a baby because while I turn 43 at the end of this year, I have been in menopause for over a year now. I dropped the idea of me carrying a baby for us when Gabby turned down the idea of us and kids when we really got into the discussion about 8 years ago, because I knew that I had reproductive issues and that my eggs were getting old. Now, Gabby is two years younger than I was then, but has no reproductive issues that we know of, but time is starting to close in on us, if we are doing this.

Lots more to discuss and Gabby would have to get that promotion that she has been promised before the end of the year because travel for her is no fun as is, let alone if she was pregnant. But, if she was pregnant, at least people shouldn't stop her in the ladies restrooms for thinking that she is a man.

Of course, all of this could just be talk. This baby ripped the scab off of my "healed over wound" of wanting a child. I had been so good the last couple of years about this. Also, Gabby has been far more into the idea of being a mother than I ever have heard from her before. You live with someone for 10 years or so, you pretty much know where their head is, but this turn of events has surprised me a bit.

Biological urges don't play fair!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

No, no they don't.

Think about it long and hard. Gabby travels a lot. A LOT. Will she have to continue to do that? Would that be something that you would want to do, raise the child essentially alone during the week?

Much, much, much to talk about, eh? Little new ones have a tendency to make people broody. If you give it a bit of time...eh?

 

[mickeysaver]

Never fear, the sperm bank isn't on speed dial or anything. We are going to have a face to face Friday night over dinner on the subject.

Gabby is supposed to be promoted to a new position before the year is over and with that promotion comes the ability to stay at home and work from home. She would only have to travel for a few days out of every quarter, it's nothing like the routine that she currently has. Her working from home, even now, is really demanding of her time. Just because she would be home, it would not mean that she was free to play Mama all day. Most likely there will still be some daycare involved. Which could be more easily afforded after the promotion due to the increase in pay that goes along with it too. Basically, if a baby were to come into our lives, on our terms, it wouldn't be such a hardship. The more or less promised promotion looks to be coming sooner rather than later.

We know that even once things are settled into the right household routine to try to conceive that it can take many attempts. If we don't end up with a kid, then we don't end up with a kid, but the fact that we are even talking about trying makes me happier than I have been in years.

Time will tell.

 

[SandrA9810]

I feel like you, although I'm a lot younger, I'm getting to the point of realizing kids will probably never be in my future. And it sucks to think about, but i don't know what I'd do if the option came along. It's very stressfull to have a biological clock.

 

[hematite153]

Wow! Well, those conversations are tough, but, good. I wish you both well regardless of what you decide.

 

[Mathfailure]

I think if you both want this, then go for it. The money and child care will work out, your priorities change and where you spend your money changes.

One big hurdle is resolving the do we try question; and then the next difficulty is getting pg. There are serious emotional trials to face in all of this, the end results will be worth it if a little one is what you desire. But it is not easy.

Our youngest was adopted about the same age as you and your partner are now. I wish we would have done it a bit earlier, because each year makes a difference in my energy level! But, to have him is totally worth the exhaustion.

Kathleen

 

[mickeysaver]

Well, Baby "M" is doing really well. Grandma "B" is totally ticked off at Gabby, her mom and the rest of the family because her daughter, "F" and grand baby are in the rehab center. Like it's any of our fault that "F" stole from her grandmother or used drugs?!?! "B" is doing what "B" always does, she tries to play the martyr and it's so freakin' old.

As for me and Gabby, we got some good news today. Her promotion came through as of a week from Monday! Which is good and bad news all at the same time. Her travel schedule is booked all the way through September of 2011, but most of those sites can be handed off to others. We are pretty sure that life is going to remain crazy busy with her continued need for travel for the next 6 months or so. With the promotion comes a a nice raise, her second in less than a year because she has been promoted twice now, so what are well going to do with it? Book a trip to WDW of course. We had been thinking that we would skip out of Mickey this year, but with the extra money it should be a lot easier to justify going, afterall, we have a promotion to celebrate and we all know how Disney loves it's celebrations.

As for the case of baby-itis, I have been thinking about it a lot. We have also discussed the extremely urgent need of all of those kids in Haiti. We are hoping that very soon that the adoption process will resume again in a more streamlined fashion for the sake of the children that went from having nothing to having even less than nothing. So, we might not be getting Gabby pregnant, but we may well still be getting a kid. I can't wait for Gabby to get home from Texas so that we can talk about this more.

 

[Mathfailure]

The grandmother must have little understanding of addiction, or huge denial, to object to rehab. I am sorry to hear that.

Wonderful news on the promotion, and the fact your lives will be a bit less apart soon!

The baby considerations are so difficult. I know it is emotional and all up and down, one minute you want this the next maybe not so much.

The adoption is a great thought, of course I am for adoption!!, but just be aware there is a lot of hurry up and wait in the best of circumstances, and with dealing with such turmoil...but the end result is so worth it.

I never said, but the pictures of the little one are adorable, and totally make me want to cuddle her.

Kathleen

 

[mickeysaver]

Gabby's sister, the grandma of Baby "M", aka "B" in our saga, is a piece of work. "B" has always found a way to make everything about her. She was the middle child, so part of her drama comes from the fact that for many years, the money used to raise her came from her grandma, "R". "R" had super deep pockets and was a middle child too. "R" had some odd notion that all middle children are inherently mistreated and that she should spoil "B".

"B""s first marriage was to an african american man. He is "F"'s father. He was a scumbag. He beat "B" so the family stepped in and she got a divorce. "R" bought a small house for "B" and her two kids. Since "B" wanted to be a stay at home mom for the kids while they were little, "R" paid for everything so that she could do that. Then, "B" blamed her lack of a social life on being too fat, so "R" paid for a gastric bypass and the residual plastic surgeries. "B" got down to being stick thin. "B" started writing felons, yes, she wrote letters to guys in prison to troll for dates, because she had mixed race children and so many scars and surgeries left to do along the way, she told herself that no one of any substance could want her. She began to date these guys as they would get out of jail, some would move in with her and others she would go visit for weeks at a time up in Jacksonville. Even when nice, successful, handsome professional african american men would ask her out, she would refuse. It still makes no sense to me why she loves the losers.

While "B" was doing all of this dating over the past 10 years or so, her kids who were 10 and 11 years old were largely left with their father, their grandma, or family friends. It's no wonder that "F" has issues. I knew that those kids were in a bad situation when I met them for the first time and they were telling their mom, who was dressed like a street walker, that she looked like a "slut" or a "Hoochie". No 10 or 11 year old child should be saying those things to their mother, but she put them in that position and just laughed at their comments, like it was flattery.

We know that "B" has been involved with men who deal drugs. We are actually quite suspicious of "B" and think that she may well be dealing drugs and may have put "F" in a position to help her with dealing, which would have been a way that "F" could have actually felt connected to "B" because the child has not had much chance to connect with her mother over anything much over the past decade.

"B" right now will not talk to her mother. "B" won't talk with Gabby either. Gabby's mom will get "F"''s brother to take her to the rehab center this weekend to see the baby. No one in the family can visit with "F" yet, but the baby is allowed to have visitors for short periods of time on the weekend. "F"'s brother is a good kid. How many 21 year old straight boys do you know that of their own volition call up their grandma and ask to take her out to lunch just to talk? He is big into paintball and has done well enough with his team to have corporate sponsorship, so he is pretty proud of himself for that. He had some hearing loss as a child and didn't do as well in school as he should have because his mother never pushed the system to help him. But, he is going to community college and is trying very hard to keep on the right path. He is so mad at his mother and his sister for how they have lived their lives.

Basically, the way that "B" lives her life has had a profound effect on "F" and her self absorbed martyr act is getting really old. I really hope that "B" doesn't cause "F" to relapse after rehab. I fear that so much. For now all we can do is pray.

 

[mickeysaver]

Well, there will be no baby for us. I thought there was a little more parental desire in Gabby than there appears to be. We had a good long talk about the options and there just isn't any great alternative open to us that makes any sense. She has offered to carry a baby to make me happy, but you know, I am not into the idea of making a baby with someone that doesn't want a baby too. It should be a dream and a journey that both people share as a couple. Gabby just has no desire to do this with so many unknowns. She has never allowed herself to dream of being a parent and is totally fine with the way things are. She wants to do whatever is going to make me happy, but that is so not what I need to hear from her in order to proceed. So, we will remain those two fat chics with all of the animals. lol Our relationship is fine and that is the most important thing.

Oh and Gabby's mom can't visit Baby "M" until she is 2 months old. The visit days are reserved for grandma's up until that point. "F" did talk with Gabby's mom today over the phone. "F" sounded happy, which is great news that she is starting to sound like a human with emotions again.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Maggie,

That's all.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Ditto that. :HUG:

 

[Mathfailure]

You sound like a supportive and loving partner.

Be the totally cool Aunty, with unconditional love for your little ones. My children are so happy with the adults in their lives who shower then with love, most of whom do not have children at home.



Kathleen

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

You know? I don't know what is more beautiful here, the love and compassion you have for this little baby and her mother who needs so much right now, or the incredible respect and honor you and your partner have for one another.

All good wishes to you both.

 

[mickeysaver]

Thanks for the hugs.

One thing that Gabby and I have always shared is the ability to communicate. We calmly talk everything to death instead of having big blow ups. I think we have had maybe 5 or 6 fights in our almost 11 years together. Most of those were related to her family or my being on Lupron and by most people's standards most of those fights were not really even much of a fight at all. But, that is part of what makes our relationship last. We treat each other well and we communicate with respect. While neither one of us ever "wins" 100% of the time, we do always try to reach the best possible compromises. Gabby is most definitely my gift from God. If you knew what I went through with ex 1 and ex 2, you would know that I have most certainly had my prayers answered with having Gabby in my life.

We booked a trip to Disney for December. We have a day planned to drive over to visit with her family during our stay. While we hope to meet Baby "M" before that, if we can't manage it, we now have plans to see her then.

 

[ToddyLu]

I just wanted to let you know that I am sending prayers to you, Gabby and the family. I married a wonderful man who did not want children. I thought he would change his mind...but alas after 15 wonderful years(he is an amazing husband and friend) and a recent female surgery... we will share my brother's 5 children. Of course like you guys we have a 4 legged daughter, Jack Russell, named Trinity. She is back in bed with DH while I am Dissing.

I just wanted to let you know that I am, have been there with you...at 41 realizing that it just isn't going to be part of my life story to be a parent. But I like you, have a true life partner that trully loves me, save that one aspect.

I have thought I was alone...that no one would know how I felt. Thank you for this thread, so that I know I am not alone...that I am not the only one with a biological clock with issues.....that darn Mother instinct is a hard one to fight. Take care and God Bless...

He said yes to DVC last year and we have a Dec. trip planned , too....

 

[mickeysaver]

for you ToddyLu You are most definitely not alone. If you ever want to chat, my PM box is always open.

 

[mickeysaver]

Gabby had to be in FL on business this week and is officially on vacation for the coming week, so she went down to visit with her family this weekend. Because she was coming, her mom used this as an excuse to get a visit with Baby M. My MIL wasn't supposed to be allowed to visit until the baby was 2 months old, but since Gabby lives out of state, she got the facility to make an exception and of course, MIL will be there when Gabby goes.

As for F and Baby M, there has been some news. They have now stated that F can't leave rehab until the baby is at least a year old. They have also said that F can not go back to living with her mother, B, when she leaves rehab because B is an enabler. F will, as time passes, have to secure a job and a residence of her own before she will be allowed to leave the facility. This could take quite awhile because F's only skill is that she is a licensed massage therapist. I am hoping that F realizes that she needs go back to school to get some more marketable skills. There are plenty of government programs that she could take advantage of to help her make a better life for herself and Baby M. Time will tell.

I am looking forward to cell phone pictures, it's been awhile since B has sent us any pictures or videos. B has been ticked off that they have labeled her an enabler, so I think she has been skipping visits with the baby. I think that I am more excited about getting pictures than Gabby is about seeing the baby at all. Gabby says she feels sorry for Baby M, but she would be ok if she never saw F ever again....Gabby won't be seeing F tomorrow, but that is because F can't see visitors yet. Gabby has trouble wrapping her head around the concept that addiction makes people do things that you must find a way to get past and accept that the person was really not acting in true character. I am hoping that time will help soften her heart and that maybe Baby M will help too. I don't know...

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Thank you for the update. I have been wondering how things were going but didnt' want to seem nosey. Hope things continue to go as well as they can...