The perfect custody agreement

[DisneyScraps]

There is a thread talking about how you get through a divorce and I was thinking of when I did my custody agreement. What I put in it and what I left out.

What things did you have added to make it easier. What did you wish you had not left out?

Mine has a few things...

If she is not sleeping i her own bed the other parent has to be notified where she is. That way we know where she is at all times.

She is to be raised Catholic and is not allowed to attend other churched more than 2 times a year.

He pays for half of her private school and all uniforms, school supplies and associated fees.

He pays for half of all camps and extra curricular activities.

My friend wished she had something in hers that he could not cut her daughters hair without pr=permission, he DD had waist long hair and came home with a short haircut after Dad didn't want to brush it.

We can craft the perfect all inclusive agreement

 

[SweetJoy]

I'm not divorced, but the other thread has me thinking a lot about this. I would want to include a lot of things that may come up in the future - such as what age is appropriate to start doing things. For example, my 6 year old wants to have her ears pierced, but my husband and I agree she's too young to take care of them properly. What if he were my ex and went ahead and did it? And riding her bike to her friends' - not yet, we agree - but what if we didn't? I would want something that gave me piece of mind over things like that.

 

[cglaura]

Not so much custody, but child support. It stated half his take home pay, but no specific number. At the time he was making 6 figures, then he dove head first into the stupid end of the employment/life/priorities pool.

And, well, half of $0 is $0. It was a difficult bunch of years for awhile.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

My co-worker is divorced. Her ex has the kids Sunday through Tuesday but said she still had to provide lunches for school on Monday even though they weren't with her. They had to go back to court over that. Stupid.

 

[DisneyScraps]

I crafted mine when my DD was 2 and we left a lot of things out for older years. I get along fairly well with her Dad now so thankfully we can negotiate most things.

It is not that way for everyone.

Ear piercing is a minor thing but one that might need to be included.

Does she get a car at 16. Why pays for it?

I WISHED I had put in something about him not having sleepovers with his girlfriends while my daughter was staying there.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

The real problem is adults acting like children, not the context of the custody agreements. A lot of the things that I read in that other thread that people want to include are ridiculous. When you get divorced, you lose the right to dictate how the person that you divorced will live their lives. For some reason, divorced people try to continue to punish their ex in any way possible, including through their children.

 

[need2cruise]

A lot of what has been posted is control issues and nothing to do with custody. Parents are allowed to have different parenting standards, also differences in what they allow and not allow in their own household as long as neither parent is being abusive or neglient.

If you don't want your child to watch certain things in your house, that is fine but in your exs home, they are allowed to have a different arrangement.

I mean really, do you want to have to ask your ex for permission over every little thing? What if you want ears pierced and ex didn't? Do you run to court to have a judge decide if your child can have their ears pierced or hair cut? Just because you are a mom or a dad does not give you a sole right to control everything that a child does/doesn't do. If it can be discussed, great, if not, then there are much bigger issues that need resolved then ear piercing and hair cuts.

I think custody arrangements (with fit parents--unfit parents are a different ball game altogether) need to be primarily to deal with the financial end of child support, health/dental/life insurance, school fees (if applicable), and the amount of parenting time, scheduled holidays and that type of thing.

Anything beyond that should be able to be discussed. If you have 9pm curfew on weekends at age 16 and the ex has an 11pm curfew at his house then that doesn't mean your way is better, it is just a different parenting standpoint.

I worked in the court system as an advocate for children's rights and can't believe the stuff that people argue over in custody hearings. It should be 100% about the child and making sure they are financially secure and have bonding time with both parents equally without interference from the other parent. The rest is just being a parent and each party is entitled to be a parent until proven otherwise.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

I don't think you could ever get a truly all-inclusive CO, there are just so MANY things that come up.

Here's a funny one. Right after the divorce, ex and I had an argument about movies. He wanted to take the kids to a movie I thought they weren't ready for...but it was his custody time so I just voiced my concern and left him to decide.

A week later, he told me I was forbidden to show the kids a movie I was planning to show them. We then had a 2-week back-and-forth discussion on how movie-watching decisions would be handled! In the end, he finally agreed that each parent would use their discretion to choose movies for the kids to watch during their custody. At first, he wanted me to have to clear EVERY movie with him first (and vice versa)!

 

[mickeyboat]

I am also not divorced, but I guess I am torn about making a custody decree so specific. On the one hand I want my children raised a certain way and would be upset if my ideas were ignored. On the other hand I have to understand that when I divorced, I would have to give up some of those ideas because my ex would have just as much right to parent my child without me as I do without him.

Plus my ideas about raising my children are a lot different now than when they were little. If I had insisted on no pacifiers, I wouldn't have slept for 3 years. I can't imagine sitting down at one point in time and making all the rules for the lifetime of my children.

Finally, I am sure a court does not really want to be in the business of enforcing whether my ex cut my DD's hair too short or whether he fed her cake for breakfast.

 

[MdmMim]

Years ago, we were acquainted with a couple who had divorced and had a son. Their custody agreement was very unusual--but we thought it was great, provided one has the means to do this.

Their son lived in a modest home--he didn't move around, but his parents did, each living in "his" house according to their custody schedule. The mother had her two weeks with the boy, then the father had his, etc. The boy never had to leave his home. Lucky kid!

 

[bettymae1121]

My friends parents divorced when she was in jr. high. They thought ahead and put college costs in the agreement, her dad was to pay 2/3 and her mom 1/3. But that's all it said.

My friend got in to a very high priced private college. In addition, she had a trust from her grandfather to help pay for college, which she planed to use to help cover her mother's 1/3, she also got a few low dollar grants, again she put that towards her mother's 1/3.

Her dad, when he realized what tuition and board was going to be, took them to court and said he was only willing to pay 2/3 of in-state tuition at a state school (waaaay cheaper than the out of state private school) and that his daughters trust and grant money needed to come off the top, after that was deducted he would then pay the 2/3 and the mom pay the 1/3.

The judge was pretty angry that the dad went back to court over this, seeing it as the dad just trying to weasle out of having to pay so much (he made a good living, this wasn't going to harm him financially if he had to pay the full amount). He said that since the agreement didn't state any kind of cap on costs or on if his daughter had to go to a state college, the dad was on the hook for the private tuition. However he did agree that the trust and grant money should be put towards it first, then the remainling balance split 2/3 and 1/3 between the parents.

Moral of the story, if you are going to put college costs in the agreement, be specific on what kind of college you are willing to pay for and how any grant/scholarship/inheritance is to be used towards it. If it matters to you, also include things like books, lab fees, room and board, and other misc. fees associated with going to college.

 

[tOSU]

Our courts take 6 months to hear a case. There is no space in the jail as it is, let alone for a parent who had their kids hair cut without permission. The judge would just say "don't do it again". It costs $125 to file a contempt charge & then lawyer fees.

 

[golfgal]

I guess I have to agree with others that these are control things for the parents and not what is in the best interest of the child. It is really sad actually. Honestly, knowing where your child is every second of the day when they are with their PARENT???

 

[StacyMarie]

Ours was sweet and simple, split everything 50/50. We live in the same school district, and actually live right next door to each other right now so our girls can go back and forth between our houses freely. We never fought over who paid for what, etc. Always 50/50.

 

[tOSU]

actually live right next door to each other right now

I could not do this for any amount of money

 

[livie1205]

The real problem is adults acting like children, not the context of the custody agreements. A lot of the things that I read in that other thread that people want to include are ridiculous. When you get divorced, you lose the right to dictate how the person that you divorced will live their lives. For some reason, divorced people try to continue to punish their ex in any way possible, including through their children.

THANK YOU!!! Some of these things are down right silly!!! if you divorce you do NOT get to control your exs life..period BOTH parents can parent how they want as long as it is not hurting the child!!cutting hair? are you kidding me? as long as the child is taken care of and safe a judge will not go back and order these things...IF a child is in private school BEFORE the divorce then fine help pay for it but if someone chooses to put them in after a divorce then they pay for it...my dh ex tried this game,and my dh said "nope I have 3 kids not one and if I cant send all three then its public school" A car at 16? it is not a right to have someone buy you a car and neither parents should be "ordered" to buy a car.

 

[Tammi67]

I agree with the posters in the fact that you can't have every minute situation that may arise put into a custody agreement. (ear piercing, haircuts, bed times, tv/movie restrictions) That's all just silly.

Things in my agreement that I'm happy with are:

1. phone calls - Parent can call children at least once a day. Kids can call parents anytime. Parent generated phone calls must be completed by 8PM.

2. No overnight guests (on the part of the parent)

3. All transportation for visitation rests with the non custodial parent.

4. Additional visitation may be arranged upon agreement of parents.

5. Each party agrees to ensure the children attend and participate in their extracurricular activites (sports/dance/gymnastics/birthday parties/sleepover/etc)

6. Each party agrees to be flexible with visitation when out of town relatives are visiting. Missed visitation may be made up.

7. Father carries health insurance. Whatever isn't covered under healthcare is split 50/50 between parents. Parent must be notified within 24 hours if child has been seen by a doctor.

8. College funds

9. Each parent has two mutually agreeable nonconsecutive two weeks summer vacation with children. Weeks must be declared by May 1.

I think that covers the big things. We've been divorced since '06 and we argued over EVERYTHING during the process. Now he and I get along great when it comes to the kids. He's very involved and helpful getting them to/from their activities. It's all about the kids and what benefits them. Mom and Dad raising them TOGETHER is what it's all about. We are one of the lucky divorced families. I know others that are MUCH worse.

 

[JennyKS]

The real problem is adults acting like children, not the context of the custody agreements. A lot of the things that I read in that other thread that people want to include are ridiculous. When you get divorced, you lose the right to dictate how the person that you divorced will live their lives. For some reason, divorced people try to continue to punish their ex in any way possible, including through their children.

This. My ex and I divorced when my daughter was very very young, knowing it wasn't going to work out, neither of us wanted it to and knowing it would be easier for her to grow up not knowing any different. We don't like eachother, but we don't hate eachother. (OK, I do hate him). I don't worry he is going to do anything stupid, and he knows I won't do anything stupid. Major changes in her life (I'd include ears pierced, drastic haircuts) we send a text. Just to let the other know. I usually send a text if I'm taking her to the movies, just to see if he has and not to waste my money. I let him know plenty of time in advance if I'm planning a vacation, just so he knows. I guess I'm lucky, I know he won't do anything "first" with my daughter that a mother would normally do. Like I won't do any "firsts" that a dad would normally do. Neither of us want to be robbed of those moments. To much you can't do this just means more hurt feelings.

He has her Sunday thru Tuesday, I have her Wednesday thru Saturday.

It's worked fine for the last 5 years. I hope it always does. We are both just now getting into serious relationships so I don't know if things will change but I am confident if we both continue to act like adults, it will all be fine.

It doesn't matter the little things that go on between us, it just matters how we handle them in front of our daughter.

 

[DisneyScraps]

I want my daughter raised a certain way. He agreed with that when we were married.

One thing that is hurting her is she can't do any type of activity that takes place regularly on a weekend, Her Dad moved an hour away and with every other weekend it means she misses it half the time.

She misses a lot of birthday parties too. I feel really bad about that. It's not going to kill her but I wish it didn't happen as much!

 

[crashbb]

I want my daughter raised a certain way. He agreed with that when we were married.

One thing that is hurting her is she can't do any type of activity that takes place regularly on a weekend, Her Dad moved an hour away and with every other weekend it means she misses it half the time.

She misses a lot of birthday parties too. I feel really bad about that. It's not going to kill her but I wish it didn't happen as much!

So, he agreed when you got married that he'd have no say in the way in which his daughter was raised?