The inlaws are now univited

[mom2meiko]

oh the inlaws... my mil and i are ok some of the time (i think the others have proven to be so awful that she is starting to appreciate me a bit more) but we have definitely had our share of issues. we did 1 vacation together to disney. they weren't awful but so needy and dependent. they complained about a lot of things and generally made me crazy. i told dh the only way i would go on another vacation with them was if they wanted to pay for our trip but i certainly won't be spending my vacation fund on time with them again. they keep talking about a family trip with everyone but honestly we can't stand each other long enough for a xmas gathering, never mind an entire vacation.

that being said, i'm with ya sista! lol. however, plan it out and stick with your guns. you don't need to do an immediate announcement though because they will assume you are just being hotheaded. tell dh that you are standing firm, and be sure to stand firm, and then when it gets closer, let them know that you are no longer comfortable spending your vacation with them because the wicked witch is incapable of showing any respect for you.

and while you are on the subject with dh - you need to talk to him about why he doesn't support you. it's really important. dh and i used to have that issue - i brought it up and it turned out he wasn't seeing the whole situation and honestly thought i was part of the issue. once he started really paying attention he saw his mother for what she really was in relation to me and he realized it really wasn't me - most of the time.

 

[michael's mom]

I agree with the PP. I would wait a few months, not to cool yourself off, because your MIL will not change. But, so they can't accuse you of being hotheaded...and because it gives them less time to change your mind.

But, my first issue would be with DH. He should not let your MIL speak to you like that. She would not get as upset with her DS than with her DS's wife. He's your husband and he should defend you from unnecesary comments like that.

My IL's are pretty good, but I wouldn't vacation with them. MIL is too opinionated about my DS and the decisions I make for him (she never insults me, but does question sometimes) and while they love my son and me, I just know we couldn't spend too much time together. I love to visit and I love to leave.

Anyway, there are a few very important things that MIL and I disagree about. Namely, sending my DS (2) to kindergarten on time or to wait a year. I am a first grade teacher and have decided that if I feel DS is ready he will go to kindergarten when he's 5. She thinks (and has since we told her I was expecting) that because he's a boy I should hold him back. I have told my DH that, because this was something I know a little bit about, he is to support the decision that we (I) make when the time comes. I will not get into a debate about whether or not my 2 yo will go to kindergarten at 5 or 6 until he's 5...and even then, it will be a polite "I've decided he's going at 5." End of discussion.


Best of luck! and, ENJOY YOUR TRIP WITHOUT THE IN-LAWS!

 

[parkers*momma]

I'm right there with you! I would NOT take my In-Laws to WDW, Never Never Land, the moon or anywhere else. My MIL makes Ursula, Maleifcent, Creulla, and all the rest of the gang look like kittens.

I would be quite blunt. Disney is the happiest place on Earth, why make it hell on Earth?

For me, I'm glad she lives in Alabama and I in Ohio...sometimes that isn't far enough. Trust me, if she were to go when we did...there would definitely be another Ghost in the Haunted Mansion.

 

[michael's mom]

Trust me, if she were to go when we did...there would definitely be another Ghost in the Haunted Mansion.

You always make me laugh!

 

[PrincessKell]

ITs awful to have someone you love not defend you, but that being said you do have to stand up for yourself and I think you are doing good job at that.

I have to agree and disagree with pps have said on waiting. I fully think that waiting it out would be the wiser thing to do, but would I wait...no way! that is because I have no control over those kind of things (trust me something I am working on) But waiting will get you more respect for yourself maybe. But its not going to change her attitude (which is sad) doesn't mean you have to change your mind just a cooling off period for yourself.

Its harsh, I wouldn't want to spend my Disney vacation with someone that ruins everything else for me... Good luck and have a great time!

 

[sk!mom]

I think that your biggest problem right now is your DH. Why in the world would he allow her to speak to you like that? His mom- so he should speak up and put her in her place.

That said, your DH should do the uninviting. If he wants to wait, then OK, I guess, but I really don't understand his lack of support.

Does he think you're part of the problem?

 

[disneygoof]

My MIL is CRAZY in so many ways, it's it's own board, never mind thread. BUT, big but, we've taken her to Disney, and she was WONDERFUL. Pretty much my all time best time spent with her. She understood it was on our ticket, she understood that I knew Disney and my kids better than her, and she said at the start, "you go, we'll follow". I was pregnant, and she helped a million times with my older son, and it meant the world to my DH.

Have you done Disney with her? Maybe it will be different than Cabo because it's not on her dime? Maybe time will heal...

Good luck with your decision.

PS when I came home from Cabo, I'd cancel Disney too, but before the trip, I'd probably reneg for Hubby's sake...FWIW.

 

[fireflymedic]

See, Im the opposit. I would take my mother in law before I take my mom anywhere ever again. We had a bad trip to Disney this past august. My mom and dad paid for the whole trip and I do appreciate that. BUT we took my drug head sister and her husbad (who is a child at 39), and it ruined everything for us. They put pot in their suitcase that was in the back of my truck on the way down. and my mom defended them. Never again. seems like no matter what I do its not good enough for her. I guess cause Im not a druggy then I dont count......

I think I read your trip report, I would not go anywere with thim (borher/sister) but I'm sure if they got you arrrested they would have said "I'm sorry" so whats your problim with the dope

 

[Dee77]

Here's a line from one of my favorite movies

"Better to have an unhappy mother than an unfriendly wife" Runaway Jury, said by Gene Hackman's character in the first 15 minutes of the movie.

I loved this line, probably because for years I had a very strained relationship with my MIL. Things are genuinely 100% better now and we actually speak frequently, we also went to Disney in Nov and are happily planning another trip this year. I am not saying to cave in and become a doormat, I certainly didn't. Basically my MIL and I had it out (not my choice for resolving things) and after a few months when tempers settled down we each realized that we needed to bury the hatchet. It is a very delicate situation and I hope things work out for you. Good luck!!

 

[BeckyScott]

The only disadvantage of waiting is that if the IL's know about the vacation, they'll be arranging their schedule around it. So the later you wait the more offended they'll be.

The scenario-- you tell them in May that they aren't going... The MIL immediately goes into a tyrade about how she's already turned down party invitations for that week (yes even though it's months away) and put a vacation hold on the mail and found a kennel for the dog and bought three outfits for the trip... all of which may or may not be true but she'll stick to her story... and then she'll say "when did you decide this? You're still mad about Cabo aren't you? That's really mature, to hold a grudge this long. You've known for months I wasn't invited and you let me go ahead and make plans?"... and you've still offended her, you can't win. If you wait too long, and yes May could be too long, she'll heap it on even worse, because you led her to believe she was going and waited to tell her otherwise.

If you tell her now, she'll blow up that you're still mad, but at least it will be done.

Probably your best "out" is that since the trip is so far out, to tell her that you might be changing your plans (the economy and all) and for her not to count on the trip. And then drop the subject. That gives you a way out either way- should you change your mind (which I doubt but which will make your DH 'happy') then you can approach her later, or if you decide you still don't want her to go, you can just not mention it any more and figure out how to handle it later on.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why would your husband not care that your MIL os so nasty to you? At your point I wouldn't care what they thought. I would tell them too bad so sad you are not coming with us. Not now, not ever. Buh bye! Sorry but if anyone called me stupid and my dh sat there and said nothing we would have a problem. You have been patient enough. I wouldn't care when dh told them as long as he told them. Good luck!

 

[cogero]

Okay this sounds like my MIL. My MIL used to live with me DH kicker her out. After she told me that I would have other children right after having a miscarriage and I wigged out.

I did not speak to my MIL for 4 years neither did DH. We do not have a wonderful relationship and I would not take her to disney but I would tell her now and stick up for myself. If DH doesn't like it he should of defended you to begin with.

 

[Gitts2008]

I am sorry that your MIL is a moron.

To make a very long story short:
I have not spoken with my In-laws in over 4 years. They have not seen DD in over 3 years and they will never be a part of my life or DD's life again. I let many things slide but when she called me annoying to a perfect stranger, I cried and told DH. And, spent 4 days on vacation with a hole in my heart. How could DH not care enough to stand up for me? Also, SIL and BIL children come first and our DD comes fourth.

Talk with DH. Let him know that you NEED his support. It took my DH 2 years to finally realize that his mother was a b**ch and not worth the trouble. The strain of not having a DH who will stand by your side is very painful. Your MIL is a grown woman and should act like one. If she feels comfortable insulting you to your face what does she say behind your back?

You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. It is NEVER appropriate to insult someone. Stand your ground. If Dh does not follow it is his problem not yours.

I say "speak up now". You are in a no win situation and the sooner you get this over with the better. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO INSULT YOU! EVER!
Best Wishes and many of us have been there.

 

[Moeluv4u7]

I had to also speak up on this... My MIL is worse! We would NEVER have thought to vacation with them anywhere- we barely go see them- She is in Alabama, we are in North Carolina- My DH won't even live close to her- neither of us are from NC, this is where we landed after military and after several civilian jobs kept sending us back here... Long story short on that!
She even tries to find us houses near her for us to come look at as a possible purchase so we can move- UGH! NEVER!
I have had many incidents with her in the past, I speak up immediately! DH used t o not say anything and give me "the look" when he knew I was hot enough to blurt out my feelings. After the first few times of this- I let him know, not making him choose between his mother and me but when he feels the same way why would he let his mom think it is just my feelings and he will "talk to me"- Used to make me so angry! It can cause a serious rift in your marriage!
I would call your MIL up and just tell her that you all have decided to make your Disney trip with just you all and the kids. Maybe there will be another time that all of you can go again... then, make sure to never include them and when it comes up as in "Aren't you all planning another Disney trip? We would love to go." Just say, Oh, we are but these are times for our family to spend quality time away from all the stress of our daily lives, I am sure you understand. & leave it at that! BUT, you have to also be sure next time a trip is offered by them, that you decline. That might be hard but it does swing both ways. Whether you all are paying or them, she has no right to speak to you any kind of way and why would you subject yourself to that even on her dime... As a "thank-you" for teh Cabo trip send her a small token or even a picture taken of your family while there... blow it up and frame it and send so they can remember the trip with you guys... & let her know it is a token of your appreciation for the Cabo trip. Enough said... Good Luck with telling her and standing your ground. Hope you aren't one to start feeling the guilts and let your gaurd down to add them back to the group.
Oh! Or instead of being tactful, you can always just tell her the way it really is too... "I refuse to vacation with you since this last incident, it was the last straw and my vacations are my "relax" time. You don't help me to relax. I stay stressed and quite frankly don't enjoy being nsulted at your every whim."
That would also work... although could cause major upheaval at that point...
Again, Good Luck!

 

[RMulieri]

Sorry, but that is awful.i don't know which appalls me more the fact that your MIL said that or the fact that your Dh did not defend you.My MIL and I are very close.Only once did she ever say anything remotely negative, and DH was all over it like white on rice.

 

[james'mommy]

Thanks everyone for your support. DH didn't immediately defend me because he wasn't in the pool at the moment. He showed up a minute or two later. I immediately told him what happened and his mom denied the whole thing. Except that DH know that insulting comments are frequent from MIL. He did say something to her and she half a**ed apologized. I think DH was hoping that it would all blow over. I think that it was the build up of 12 years of resentment that finally did me in. DH says that he wants a private moment to speak with his mom. Except she isn't answering her cell phone. DH promises that when he talks to her later that he will defend me properly. What I think is going to happen is that he's going to play the "stuck in the middle" card. But being stuck in the middle is his own fault. I told him he is more than welcome to take our son and visit the in laws. He said no he doesn't want to travel without me. I also told him they are welcome at our home but to not expect me to participate.

Now the uninviting to Disney part is where things get sticky. DH wants to wait (he has to tell them not me) because maybe my MIL will apologize properly or maybe I'll be kind hearted and take pity on her. I don't think kind hearted is a word anyone has ever used to describe me. DH says she's getting old and isn't filtering out the insults like a "normal" person would do. He wants to wait until May because that's when I can change resorts using the DVC points. I want him to tell them now so that they don't waste money on airfare. And so I can get back the points and maybe spend them. I scrimped on points this year so that we would have enough for a 1 bedroom villa. And was going to give them bedroom to the in laws and we were going to sleep on the pull out.

 

[LadyShea]

I have sucked up a lot of things from the in-laws...being called stupid would not be one of them. It would be period, end of story for me.

I would tell DH that he needs to deal with his family totally from now on and tell them why.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I just got back from an awful trip to Cabo San Lucas with DH family. They paid for the house we stayed in. They do this every few years so that the family can get away together. My MIL is a very sarcastic woman. For years I have brushed off her insulting comments. I must have reached my limit when she told me "You are apparently stupid". Dh didn't rush to defend me which ticks me off. They woman also showed zero interest in my son during the trip devoting all her time to my SIL's kids. I told my DH that it will be a cold day in H*LL before I go away with these people again. The problem is that we had invited the in laws to go to Disney in December as a thank you for the money they spent in Cabo. So during the vacation I told my DH that he needed to let his parents know that they were no longer invited to Disney. I won't waste my points on them and I won't have my "happy place" ruined. DH insists that I wait until May to make a decision but I'm ready to call and cancel now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Didn't read past you post but wanted to send a HUG
I say do what you have to do, being verbally abused (thats what I would call it) is not only not acceptable it should not happen again (especially on my vacation to DISNEY!)
Whatever you choose, good luck, sorry you have those type inlaws, I am SO LUCKY in that regard (despitethe "foot in mouth syndrome" that comes from my dh side)!

 

[GrammyJudy]

Let me say it works both ways sometimes...I am done going on vacation with my SIL...he has ruined too many trips with his temper and it has to be my way attitude...and I was paying! Will miss vacationing with my daughter but I have had it! My DH and I will just take the grandkids!

 

[RMulieri]

I wouldn't wait to make the decision about not taking them to Disney.It sounds like years of crap is now a poop-storm of the century.Let Dh break the news when he talks to Mommy dearest. If you have a change of heart later than you can always fix it then with separate accomodations for the parents.