The Ex's and Bitterness!

[Kimickey]

Okay - Please tell me I'm not the only one in this category.

My ex-husband and I have divorced for 4 years (16 Nov will actually make 4 years). I have moved on (not remarried) and he definitely moved on (remarried this past August). I tell you ever since this past May his hatred for me has gone bananas. It's as if he's grown even more angry with me the closer he got to his wedding and now that he's remarried, if looks could kill I would be murdered! He speaks negatively to our DD frequently about me and is ALWAYS looking for a way to throw me under the bus.

I was over the relationship 4 years ago when we separated. My thing is why all of the bitterness ?!?! I've forgiven him for the past and hold no grudges. I just wanted out of the relationship for it was very unhealthy; if anything I should be the one who's bitter.

We both have separate lives by which I'm quite happy and assume he should be too! I actually think its funny - and could give a fat rats butt what he does, my only concern are our kids. The one thing I might add is, is that I don't do drama! He is the ultimate drama king. There is ALWAYS some issue with him and I refuse to play along and have told him so. Now he can't call me and rant and rave about foolishness. What's the deal? Am I the only person who's experiencing this, please share?

 

[kim929]

In Sept it was 8 yrs since my divorce from my first husband was final, it took almost 3 yrs... we have both moved on, he moved on before we actually seperated, but that doesn't count so to him, my leaving was what ruined the family blah blah blah.... This year is the first year we have actually been able to have civil words to each other. He cheated on me for years, when I found the gall to leave he went nuts. As my counselor told me it doesn't matter if he remarrys and it's 20 yrs from now, he will always try to run your life, and if he can't then he's going to try to make it miserable. Hopefully with time your ex will get tired of acting like a child.

 

[minkydog]

I don't know why people do this. I mean, it seems the better part of valor to just decide to be civil to each other for hte sake of the kids. I don't get the point of being bitter to an ex. What purpose does all that anger serve, except to drive up your own blood pressure and give you ulcers. You are very astute to not let him provoke you into returning his anger.

My mother was/is like your Ex. My parents were married for 22 years, during which my dad was unfaithful on many occasions. My dad finally goaded her into saying "You are free to leave anytime" and took that opportunity to whine and cry to all his family & friends "poor me, she threw me out." Tell it to the Marines. My mother never got over it. He left her when she was 40. She is now 75, was remarried to a wonderful man for 15 years and she STILL cannot say my father's name without epithets.And he's been DEAD for 4 years! I don't get it MOve on, Mom! Continuing to be bitter is only raising your blood pressure and making you ill. And it's not a very becoming look either!

Interestingly, my father never said an unkind word about my mother for the rest of his life.

 

[AlleyKat]

New wife aside, he's most likely miserable and mad that you aren't!

 

[Kimickey]

I am really amazed by folks bitterness. Maybe because of my faith, i just don't see what I could gain from holding onto bitterness (my own selfish thinking).

Its funny because I don't feel sorry for the person (my ex) who is bitter, I feel sorry for the person they remarry. That person will never get to see the real person and experience the full happiness of the new relationship due to the ex holding on to that third person--who has since moved on! its as if the new relationship always has a third party!

 

[Kimickey]

New wife aside, he's most likely miserable and mad that you aren't!

Great point!!! I'm a firm believer in the thought that we create our own misery most of the time. I never knew I had that much control over one person and still chose not to

 

[AlleyKat]

I don't feel sorry for the person (my ex) who is bitter, I feel sorry for the person they remarry.That person will never get to see the real person and experience the full happiness of the new relationship due to the ex holding on to that third person--who has since moved on! its as if the new relationship always has a third party!

I'd bet, in your ex's case, history will repeat itself!

 

[lovetoscrap]

I don't have personal experience in this, but from things I have seen and read I think that a lot of it may have to do with money. Once they remarry and start a new family then there is always that fact that part of the paycheck goes to YOU. Yes, it is really for the child/children, but it is you who gets it and cashes it and spends it so it is all your fault in their eyes. And if the new wife is the type to be upset about this it can cause a lot of pressure and resentment.

We couldn't get the house I wanted because SHE gets $$$ every month.

We can't afford to have a baby because you have to pay HER.

My children can't go to camp/play sports/ you name it, because of what you send to her. And then SHE can afford to send her kids to that stuff.

Every part of his new life is taken over by the money that is sent for the kids. And even visitation becomes an issue. They can't be spontaneous and do what they want because of the visitation schedule. Holidays have to be carefully arranged. When the ex was single it was easier to go with the flow, to not worry about the money being spent.

I am not saying this is true in every case, but I have seen it happen.

 

[tasha99]

My ex is strangely bitter--I left 9 years ago, but he wouldn't sign any paperwork for 4 years, so it's only been 5 years since we were officially divorced. The paperwork thing was representative of how much control he felt he had to have--and by dragging it along for so long, I now get a portion of his retirement. Go figure.

He's still super bitter, though. He told me that if I ever left, I'd never see the kids again and he wouldn't give me a penny. It was all threats though, because child support and retirement for the military are done by formulas (no weaseling out) and he hasn't exercised his visitation in 9 years. Yup, he's so mad at me that he won't come pick up the kids . . . in 9 years not once. What's bizarre to me is that he got really nasty in our fight for custody, but he won't bother visit them.

 

[Kimickey]

I don't have personal experience in this, but from things I have seen and read I think that a lot of it may have to do with money. Once they remarry and start a new family then there is always that fact that part of the paycheck goes to YOU. Yes, it is really for the child/children, but it is you who gets it and cashes it and spends it so it is all your fault in their eyes. And if the new wife is the type to be upset about this it can cause a lot of pressure and resentment.

We couldn't get the house I wanted because SHE gets $$$ every month.

We can't afford to have a baby because you have to pay HER.

My children can't go to camp/play sports/ you name it, because of what you send to her. And then SHE can afford to send her kids to that stuff.

Every part of his new life is taken over by the money that is sent for the kids. And even visitation becomes an issue. They can't be spontaneous and do what they want because of the visitation schedule. Holidays have to be carefully arranged. When the ex was single it was easier to go with the flow, to not worry about the money being spent.

I am not saying this is true in every case, but I have seen it happen.

There is a lot of truth to this...

 

[AlleyKat]

My ex is strangely bitter--I left 9 years ago, but he wouldn't sign any paperwork for 4 years, so it's only been 5 years since we were officially divorced. The paperwork thing was representative of how much control he felt he had to have--and by dragging it along for so long, I now get a portion of his retirement. Go figure.

Karma took a big bite out of his behind!

 

[FireDancer]

I am not divorced but to be honest I am not bitter towards any of my exes, including ones that have cheated. Granted, that was when I was pretty young so it wasn't like I had a lot of time invested.

I have found it easier to learn from even the bad experiences and move on with my life. Dwelling on anything that has been done will only damage me further and once that damage is because of my dwelling I only have myself to blame.

Perhaps this would be different if it was a divorce situation, hopefully I won't ever find out.

 

[Sosai X]

It's a good thing I decided long ago to skip my first marriage entirely (and avoid the heartache and emotional roller coaster that comes along with it). and go straight to my second marriage. So now that I am older, and more mature, I can begin to look forward to my second marriage that will be relatively trouble free.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with the other poster that possibly it revolves the 'money'...that mountain of child support and all the extras we supposedly get. Ex and I have been divorced almost ten years. We finally started having a decent relationship around year 4. Year 6 he remarried. Years 7 was the beginning of a backward slide that has spiraled to where we are today. I believe that everything was peachy when there wasn't another person there complaining about the child support. Look, I am not getting a big amount. There are many things like medical he is court ordered to pay but he doesn't. I could be taking him back to court monthly but I let it go. But at least once a month all I hear is all the child support money he sends. Yeah, the same amount court ordered 10 years ago. I haven't even gone back for more. He is military also and an officer, has several years in now etc. I know after a conversation with an attorney how much is child support is supposed to be and I know how much in arrearage he is just on the medical issue. But, I am the bad guy. And I wasn't until there was someone in the wings who wanted to take trips and buy brand new houses. So, I guess that could be the problem.

I just don't engage him. I just turn around and walk away. I am lucky in the sense he doesn't come around often. The kids fly to his house once a year and back. His new thing is I need to pay for the transportation costs. HIS lawyer who drew up the decree put in there that he pays all the costs associated with transporation when he lives more than 100 miles away. His girlfriend at the time of our divorce told me personally that I would get nothing but child support.

In the end the bitterness comes from the fact that 1. you are living happy and without them and 2. when it comes to money some ex's are purely selfish and think that no matter what that check is coming to YOU, not the kids. Just because it has my name on it I pay for the kids. So, in the end you can't do anything but continue to try and pretend its just not making you angry and remind your children that we don't talk badly about other people. They will figure it all out!

Kelly

 

[NMAmy]

I don't have personal experience in this, but from things I have seen and read I think that a lot of it may have to do with money. Once they remarry and start a new family then there is always that fact that part of the paycheck goes to YOU. Yes, it is really for the child/children, but it is you who gets it and cashes it and spends it so it is all your fault in their eyes. And if the new wife is the type to be upset about this it can cause a lot of pressure and resentment.

I think you're right. It's the big reason that when dd and I were doing fine financially that we went back to court and I just waived the child support. When dd was with me, I paid for her and when she was with her dad, he supported her. We split costs like medical bills and braces and special things for her and now college.

It made our relationship much more civil and made life easier for dd in that she didn't have her dad and his wife complaining about how much money they had to send me and how I was spending "their money" on trips to WDW or any new purchase that I bought (which I was not doing.) I know not everyone can or wants to give up the support but it was absolutely the right choice for us.

 

[ProgressCity]

My DH was married before and has kids from that marriage and I just don't understand why his ex is so horrible. It has been years since we've seen the kids. We've bought plane tickets multiple times, spent thousands of dollars, and she'll just decide the day of the flight that she's not in the mood to take them to the airport (she doesn't have a job). She's told us in the past that there was no way we could have them for a holiday and then the day of the holiday call us and literally say she's tired of having the kids and we can get them (we live across the country and last minute airfare roundtrip for 3 kids for 4 days to spend with them is criminal). Of course when that has happened (it's been multiple times) she plays it to the kids like they're not worth the money to us. How do you explain to kids that you love them more than the world but there's just no way you can spend 3 months pay to get them for 4 days? She'll tell the kids that everything else in the summer is more important than seeing their dad. Things like scouts, birthdays (not even immediate family, we're talking great-great aunts, no joke), school summer programs, whatever.

We tried moving close to them, still no dice. We were never allowed to see them. The joke of the whole thing is that the kids practically live with their grandparents, she's too busy off doing her own thing. She'll even drop them off at their grandparents saying it's only for 2 days and then not show up to pick them up for 2 weeks! However, it's ok for the grandparents to have them but never us because then the ex maintains control. We're never allowed to have them until she knows it's too late for us to make it work and then it's our fault for not making it work.

We've discovered that when she's single, she's nice, when she's in a relationship she's a *****. You'd think she has multiple personality disorder with how night and day she is depending on if she's with someone.

It kills me to see what this all does to my DH. I was raised in a divorced home and my mom was the exact same way as DH's ex. She would tell me that going to summer camp was more important than seeing dad. She would even tell me that my dad was abusive and I just don't remember it. She would tell me lie after lie about my dad. If I went to see dad during his Christmas visitation with me it meant I didn't love my mom (she literally said that to me). Thankfully now that I'm an adult I've been able to form my own relationship with my dad and to be honest, I don't think it's possible for someone to be a better man than my dad is. It just kills me to see my DH's ex pulling the same crap my mother did.

Sorry for the rant, but this thread touches a nerve I just don't understand why people can't all just get along. We've wanted the kids so bad and I've even offered to pay for the ex and her husband to come to WDW with us if it meant the kids could come.

(Here is where I deleted the 5 paragraph essay I wrote proving there is a special level of hell dedicated to this woman, figuring that while it was good therapy for me, you guys probably aren't interested )

So, OP, I don't know why everyone can't just be happy for one another, be nice, and truly try to do what's best for the children involved. You don't have to be friends, but just be nice, at least as nice as you'd be to a stranger, pretend if you have to, "make believe", act, whatever. I know I'm bitter and it's because I have to watch the man I love more than anything suffer so much without his kids. We can never get this time back with the kids, their childhood only happens once. No matter what, the state makes sure that he pays every last cent of child support, if he falls behind he has to catch up. But she never has to make up the time he's lost with the kids. Where is the justice in that? The family law system is severely broken. I don't know why some people can make their situation work amicably but others can't.

Ok, calm down, deep breaths, go to your happy place, "It's a great big beautiful tomorrow, and tomorrow is just a dream away"....

 

[MiniGirl]

I really wish I knew why some folks can't let go of the hatred and bitterness. My dh and his first wife have been separated for 17 years (divorced for about 14), and she is still bitter. Thing is... she is the one who wanted out of the marriage. Her bitterness got turned up with each step in our relationship -- marriage, buying a house, first child, second child. She did remarry once, but it only lasted about a year.

OTOH, I went to a little boy's birthday party a few years ago. His parents were divorced and had both remarried. One woman was pregnant and all four were at the party. At first, I couldn't tell who the parents were and who the step-parents were. All of them seemed to get along really well, and all 4 treated the boy the same. There was no jealousy or bitterness when he went to one woman or man over the other. I was intrigued and it was only by carefully watching (and then later confirming it) that I was able to determine who was who. Now, it may have all been an act and something they do just for the little boy, but it was refreshing to see for adults acting as such.

 

[PatsGirl]

I found my ex to get increasingly bitter through his engagement and marriage about 18 months after we split. The marriage lasted less than a year and his relationship with DD during that time was terrible. I don't know the details of why it went wrong but I do know that he blamed me for his jumping into the relationship. Once they divorced he was able to put his feelings aside and we are as close to being friends as we ever will be. I think sometimes our ex's still have feelings for us and have a hard time letting go.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't actually have any experience, but I am wondering if he is harboring resentment in that, what he has is not what he wanted.

Mabye he is "settling" for this wife, but it harbors a resentment that he can't have you. (i.e. like when young boys like young girls and express that "like" by being "mean")


My friend had this issue. Though her ex never married the pop tart that he left her for--he was just kinda mean to her and cruel and controlling. Preferred the pop tarts kids over his SIX children even. Then the pop tart split from him and the ex settled down a little in his behavior towards his ex-wife.

So I'm guessing when there is meanness involved, it may be a sign they are not truly happy in their present relationship.

 

[Mickey527]

I was divorced after 13 years and 3 sons ages 2, 4 and 6. He left me because we were married too young (20 and 22) and he never got to "live".
He was angry at me for years. the thing that I couldn't understand was the judge got angry at me because I didn't want alimony. I told him I would go back to school and take care of myself, I just wanted the ex to help with his sons. I got $200 a month even though my ex was earning $78,000 in 1987 when we got divorced. But I became an RN and my boys went to private school and we went to WDW at least once a year after the divorce.
When he got married he had a pig roast and in front of my boys went up to the pig cooking on the spit and said "quick take a picture of me with my ex" The boys were so angry that they left the wedding. (They were 14, 16, and 18)
He stayed bitter for many years until my oldest had the first grandson. My ex knew that if he wanted to see his grandson he had to be civil to me because my son lives with me. So he calls now and speakes to me like he should have many years ago.
I still go to WDW every year and now bring my son and grandson. My ex lives in Venice FL so I drive my son down there for a few days to visit. We always go out to lunch before I drive back to Orlando, and when he brings my son back up to me for our trip home.
I hope someday he will see the light like my ex did, it makes family situations like weddings etc... so much better.