The Ex's and Bitterness!

[Kimickey]

So, OP, I don't know why everyone can't just be happy for one another, be nice, and truly try to do what's best for the children involved. You don't have to be friends, but just be nice, at least as nice as you'd be to a stranger, pretend if you have to, "make believe", act, whatever. I know I'm bitter and it's because I have to watch the man I love more than anything suffer so much without his kids. We can never get this time back with the kids, their childhood only happens once. No matter what, the state makes sure that he pays every last cent of child support, if he falls behind he has to catch up. But she never has to make up the time he's lost with the kids. Where is the justice in that? The family law system is severely broken. I don't know why some people can make their situation work amicably but others can't.

Ok, calm down, deep breaths, go to your happy place, "It's a great big beautiful tomorrow, and tomorrow is just a dream away"....

Progress City,

I sympathize with you. When ex-DH and split 4 years ago I never made it about money. Our DD was in private school at the time and DS was in Daycare. Both payments combine were to the tune of $1100 per month. All I ask was he pay $500 per month to help off set the cost no more no less so that I wouldn't have to add child support in with the divorce. I wanted to work all child care, money arrangements etc. outside of court. Point blank, he told me to take him to court, let the judge decide, he wasn't paying me a dime. So for months I STRUGGLED to take care of both kids and maintain our home. A month before our divorce he wanted to sit and negotiate child support. By that time the paperwork had been filed.

So here we sit 4 years later, he's not actively in our kids lives. He's several thousands of dollars in the arrears and its all my fault. My doors have always been open for him actively be part of our kids lives. He choses to be a victim. If our kids are in an activity soccer, swim team, basketball etc and one of their games falls on his weekend he would pitch a fit about how Im monopolizing his time and dictating what he has to do with the kids on his weekend because going to our sons basketball game, or daughters soccer game is not what he had plans to do! WTHeck!!!! One hour out of 24 hours in a day to support your child in an activity is not how you want to spend your weekend. So as of this past June he decided he wasn't picking up our kids any longer on his weekend... What gives!

I have NEVER told him he couldnt pick up our kids, even during the summer when I've paid for camp (and camp is not cheap) and he at the last minute has called me up and said he wants to take the kids for two weeks I happily send them on their way because their happiness means a lot more to me than the money spent on camp and all I catch is hell from him when I ask can you be there for the first day of school, back to school night parent, teacher conference etc, so I stopped asking!

I have tried to make it mutual. He lets his emotions drive his thoughts. My only concern is for our kids, my concern is no longer him and I believe that's what bothers him. There is also and element of control he no longer has over me and I ignore his whine and cries because they are not productive and dont produce results. In the end my kids are what matter to me, not him, not the wife not the wife's other child he is now supporting. My thoughts are if you cannot support your own two children, how are you going to supports someone elses child and think that paints a bright picture for our kids It breaks my heart for my kids because they are the ones suffering. I just want to get to a point where he can let go of "me" and focus on our kids, he is truly missing out a great deal on two great kids because of his selfishness. Hopefully one day he will really open his eyes and see that its not me but him and only him that's getting in his way. Until then I will maintain the peace for me and my kids sake.

 

[kilee]

I am sorry things are not going well, I think it just takes time. I was not married to ds's father, we were together 4yrs when I got pregnant and were going to get married after he was born. When my son was 6 weeks old I came home from my 2nd night back to work to find my ex's former girlfriend there w/ him and her holding my 6 week old baby. The fights and anger that followed were awful. This went on for a good 4 years.....then I just woke up and was "over him"....it should of happened sooner but it didn't and I can't explain that.

Needless to say my son is now almost 17. In his life, his father and I spent the first 4 years "HATING" each other. Then the next 4-5 years "Indifferent" to one another....not hating anymore but not quite to a place we'd be nice to one another. We were mutually civil when forced to be.

Then something changed........not sure what....but we became friends. I can honestly say ds's father is one of my and dh's best friends now (dh did not know him before we got together).

It took almost 9 years....but somehow all the anger and bitterness went away. My only regret is that it would of happened sooner.

My dh and I have forged great relationships w/ my ex's gf's through the last 8 years. The 4 of us have gone to dinner w/ them, my dh and ex have taken my son fishing together, I helped his current gf plan a Disney trip last year (which my son went on w/ them). When our house burned down last year they were some of the first people to show up to see what we needed and what they could do to help.

I wish this for everyone that goes through a break up. I know it's not easy and most people don't get there, but I know it's what is best for my son. Unfortunately he did not have that the first part of his life.

 

[Pakey]

Does the new wife have any children of her own? If she doesn't, she's probably a huge contribution to this resentment. Not only could money play into it, but there is jealousy that you share a child with her husband. So she gets her digs in and he, in turn, begins to resent you.

My first husband and I amicably divorced 26 years ago; we shared a young son. I remarried a year later; my ex-husband and I got along marvelously. But then when he remarried a few years after that, it was the end of a relationship with my son. New wife didn't like my son, didn't like me (she had never been married and had no children). The contact with my son diminished each year. My son is now almost 29; the last time he heard from his biological father was when he was 15.

He never paid child support so the issues could not have been about money. He and I never argued, I never once tried to keep him from seeing our son whenever he wanted. I still have no clue as to why the new wife changed everything; all my ex husband ever said to me was that she was not fond of my son.

 

[dis-happy]

My friend went through something similar with her ex. She left him and it was ugly. Then he remarried, and very quickly the honeymoon wore off, and the new wife realized how abusive he could be toward her and her 2 girls. She filed for divorce and got a restraining order on him.

The funny part: my friend, who was the most evil woman around up to this point, is now known as "the good ex-wife". All throughout she was civil (although she stopped putting up with his verbal abuse by walking away), and now, finally, he treats her much better than ever.

 

[KristineN]

My ex and I are not bitter towards each other...mostly because that takes a heck of a lot of effort.....but it has not always been easy. Our relationship has evolved over the years....and now I find myself sitting between the current husband and the ex husband at all the school functions etc. We even do pictures at these events all together. Sometimes I do find this somewhat funny....in the long run though, it is a good thing for the kids. And I agree...money issues are the root of so many issues with exes.

 

[minkydog]

My friend went through something similar with her ex. She left him and it was ugly. Then he remarried, and very quickly the honeymoon wore off, and the new wife realized how abusive he could be toward her and her 2 girls. She filed for divorce and got a restraining order on him.

You know, i don't get this either. My brother was married to his first wife for 21 years. She was not a good wife and got them into a LOT of financial trouble. But he was not a good father or husband either. He is a very bad alcoholic and does not want to give it up. Very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. i can't tell you how many times she took the kids and moved to a battered women's shelter. Eventually she had an affair that that was the last straw. She left him.

Well, DBro remarried last year, to a lovely woman from Venezuela. They dated for 6 years, until she gave him an ultimatum. He really didn't want to get married, but he didn't want her to leave him. It has not gone well. He is so abusive to her, making fun of her accent, her weight, he humiliates her and makes her cry.Sometimes he physically pushes her around, too. She has already threatened to leave. I have advised her to call the police when he starts up and to leave him if he continues to be abusive. But she's staunch Catholic and she believes that marriage is forever, no matter what.
In the meantime, DSIL is bearing the brunt of all his anger toward his first wife. It's just sad.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Okay - Please tell me I'm not the only one in this category.

No, you're not. Both ex-husbands and ex-wives place such an emotional investment in bitterness that they cannot (or will not) give up that investment. You mostly see it with women but, as you've experienced, men can be just as bitter, vindictive and totally wrapped up in their own drama as women can be. I'm just as clueless as to why men make themselves miserable as I am to why women want to make themselves miserable.

Maybe it comes down to that whole, "I'd rather be right than happy" thing.

My ex-husband and I have divorced for 4 years (16 Nov will actually make 4 years). I have moved on (not remarried) and he definitely moved on (remarried this past August).

Then move on. Stop asking or wondering about the question you asked below.

I was over the relationship 4 years ago when we separated. My thing is why all of the bitterness ?!?! I've forgiven him for the past and hold no grudges.

Don't wonder. By wondering about it, questioning it and talking about it, you're including his bitterness in your reality. Let it go.

If the kids ask about it, tell them that it's your ex's drama and you have no clue why he wants to be miserable. He's responsible for his happiness and you're responsible for yours.

 

[DisneyMim]

Oh boy do I ever know about bitterness. My parents divorced after 30plus years of marriage. My father married very quickly after (he was involved with this woman well before my parents' marriage ended). He was married to her for 27 years. He died last spring. This is the VERY CONDENSED version. WELL, my mother has NEVER gotten over the divorce. She has never remarried, always talked bad about my father, yada, yada, yada. She is now in her eighties and is still bitter and my father is dead!! It has been a nightmare for me as I am the one who has been with her all these years and now is helping her. And yes, I agree with you guys, it is about money, and also about pride (I think). I don't think she ever got over the fact that he fell "out of love" with her and "into love" with someone else. Obviously there is a much bigger story here and I always joked that it would make a good book/movie, but wanted to add my 2 cents and let the OP know and everyone else that no, you are not the only one involved with a bitter divorce. I worked for years, years ago, in a courthouse, handling alimony/child support payments (Ironic?) and have never seen such a bitter divorce than my parents. What a waste, all these years. I wish she had been able to let go of her bitterness and find someone and marry again. Never happened because I don't think she wanted it to. I think she was afraid to be happy because it would let my father off the hook so to speak. Oh boy Dr. Phil would have a field day with my family!!

Good Luck to all of you going through this stuff.

 

[3boymthr]

I am lucky in that my parents are still together after 48 years of marriage and DH and I have been married for 19 years.

DH OTOH comes from a very very broken family. FIL cheated from about 30 days after he and MIL got married. It continued throughout the 20 years of their marriage. FIL finally left MIL when DH was 16. They are both very bitter about putting up with each other and their divorce even though according to DH except for one lingering item the divorce was relatively painless - possibly because FIL left the country. The lingering item is money related - although the kids were old enough when the divorce was finalized that she didn't get child support (DH was 17 years 9 months and he' the youngest) - she got all his assets and gets 50% of his military pension until the day she dies and 100% if he predeceases her - which leaves his current wife and their children out in the cold.

They both are mean and aggressive toward each other. Nasty words fly whenever they are near each other which luckily is a rare thing (our wedding was actually almost a military exercise in keeping them apart). I think as PPs have mentioned it's also a jealousy thing. They cannot stop asking about each other even though they dislike each other. Until DH had a falling out with FIL the first words out of MIL's mouth whenever I talk to her were/are "have you heard from _____? What's he doing? Is he working?, etc." Good things are met with a negative response and bad things are met with a little grin or smirk. FIL always wants to know what she's doing with his money and when is she going to give it back.

Unfortunately MIL has let her bitterness and hatred toward FIL and his constant betrayals color her attitudes toward others. Her actions and personality are always "down", bitter and mean-spirited. My children want nothing to do with her and she has no friends.