The Battle For My Wallet V: Beyond the Number IV (Chapter Eighteen, p.75, 5/18)

[DJR]

Originally quoted by Stinky ZZUB
Massive. Upper body strength.

Have you considered changing your brand of deodorant?

Your fixation on bodily functions is a bit disturbing, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

What do you have against against Studio 60 anyway?

BTW, Al Gore IS right

 

[ZZUB]

Side Note: Bama won their bowl game! This has been a while though as I think the game occurred sometime back in October.

If December 30, exactly 8 days ago, seems like October to you, then I reckon you have a more flexible relationship with time than Mrs. Z.

Say it with me, re-building year.

 

[LaLa]

It spun me right round baby, right round. Like a record baby, right round round round.

ZZUB (can I call you ZZUB?), this installment had me rolling on the floor. And then I got up, sat back down in my chair and laughed really loud. I think I may have scared the crap out of one of my coworkers.

NODulcolax.

There are SO many quote worthy lines and stories jampacked in that installment, it's hard to pick just a few to quote. It's like the CD where every song is great and you're hard pressed to pick a favorite. NOTheJoshuaTree. But I just can't let a couple of lines pass me by without commenting....

It was great as always. And nothing extraordinary or offensive happened. Unless you consider someone unleashing the power during the movie, hoping the smell would be immediately masked by the cheap cherry smell during the “Be Our Guest” segment, offensive

Was Katie sitting next to you?

... and the dad is kvetching because he can’t find the Splash Mountain fastpasses anywhere in his fanny pack he never should have thrown up in.

I stand by the statement I made earlier. You're clearly an amateur. In the grossing people out category, that is. If not, you would've brought a picture of THAT. Well, either that or you would've brought up the subject of something really and truly gross. Like zit pus. Nevermind. Forget I brought it up. Please forget I brought it up. And pass the fanny pack while you're at it.

Not only did I LOVE all the political stuff and the funny stories, but you know I appreciate a few hidden lyrics thrown into an installment for good measure. You go from Nelly and Tim McFaith...

...over and over again

...to Bette Midler...

...From a distance

But THIS one...

Spinning like a record, right ‘round like a record. Baby.

...I especially appreciated. Nothin' like a little Dead or Alive to transport a 37 year young girl back to the days of big hair and miniskirts.

I'm surprised you didn't bring any Joshua Tree though. I'll forgive you, but only because this installment was full on freakin' funny. It rocked, ZZUB.

With or without U2.

Does ANYONE call it Pirates of the CaRIBbean? With the emphasis on the "RIB?" I know I'm a redneck from Georgia, but I'm pretty sure I've never heard it pronounced that way.

Although I've never thought about it before, I pronounce it with the emphasis on the RIB. And I don't even live in a Red Hill Mining Town or know where One Tree Hill is.

 

[javamom]

just because I am feeling sentimental... have no idea why:

Great report as always, thanks for bringing us along on your adventure. Again.

 

[50 years Too!]

ZZUB,

Let me guess, a Fred Thompson aficionado

 

[ZZUB]

Great report as always, thanks for bringing us along on your adventure. Again.

Thank you, Javamom. As always, I'm impressed by your skills.

ZZUB, Let me guess, a Fred Thompson aficionado

That's a negative. I believe I already made my distate for old baggy eyes known in an earlier chapter. Ralph Wiggam is my candidate.

I pronounce it with the emphasis on the RIB.

After the most embarrasing puke, I avoid placing emphasis on "the ribs."

And to the Ohio State fans: when will you learn? Y'all aint ready to play with the big dogs. You are now 0-9 against the SEC in bowl games.

 

[Montana Disney Fan]

If December 30, exactly 8 days ago, seems like October to you, then I reckon you have a more flexible relationship with time than Mrs. Z.

Say it with me, re-building year.

That was my birthday. No wonder I can't remember it.

It does seem longer.... I wonder why? :

 

[JKMJ441724]

Chapter Eight: Twenty Years Later
It was great as always. And nothing extraordinary or offensive happened. Unless you consider someone unleashing the power during the movie, hoping the smell would be immediately masked by the cheap cherry smell during the “Be Our Guest” segment, offensive. It was also around that point that my wife took Baby ZZUB and fled the jurisdiction.


I laughed loudly. As usual.

-

At the movie or at the toot? I know that unleashing the power can be fairly amusing. Just ask my kids.

 

[mikymouse]

And to the Ohio State fans: when will you learn? Y'all aint ready to play with the big dogs. You are now 0-9 against the SEC in bowl games.

What are you talking about???? I feel asleep at around 8:40 and that was a great football match. I did notice a grey cloud hanging over the city and I find it largely unexplainable. I and most of central O H I O will somehow find a way to AVOID all media for the next several days and apparently the DIS boards

 

[flyingw/tink]

subscribing...I love all of your trip reports!

 

[AshClan]

Not as much as say I hate the thought of losing to Auburn seven years in a row or the thought of a second season of Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip but at least as much as I hate the thought of never ever sampling a slice of that singular delight: the Tonga Toast.

Although it was no WW, I still liked Studio Sixty. Judging from the ratings, though, I may have been the only one.

And I was just kidding about that other thing. I don’t have any friends dumb enough to think Al Gore is right.

Oh yes, you do.

Which is roughly as long as it took for me to set this story up.

ZZZZZZzzzzzz.....Wha? Oh, no, go right ahead with those diversions. We like 'em. Really. We do.

I hate Disney World.

Yeah. Me too.

Instead, I relied upon my much ballyhooed massive upper body strength to steer each stroller with one hand.

I'm not so sure that a guy with massive upper body strength would use a word like "ballyhooed".

ZZUBY, for her part, held her 3D glasses tightly, taking them on and off. Afraid to commit one way or the other.

Kinda like Mitt Romney....

So I said, “Lookit. I don’t wanna be a jerk....."

Since when?

I should point out that unlike the tone I took with the phone solicitor who had the temerity to call me ZZUB instead of Mr. ZZUB when clearly he had no personal relationship with me and had no business calling be by my first name like we were long lost friends from high school, I was pretty nice with Gary Greasynails.

Let me get this straight, your first name is ZZUB too? So your name is Mr. ZZUB ZZUB?!! Cool.

Katie’s name thus became synonymous with farting. Because we were sure there was something about her body chemistry which drew the flatulence out of us. She was a fart magnet. And thereafter, whenever one of us broke wind, we’d immediately look around and ask, “is Katie here?” Or, “dude! Did you Katie?”

That whole story just has me so DED. Poor Katie.

How, like the bathroom at Chef Mickey’s, I always try to walk in there, even if I don’t buy anything.

Wait. You can BUY things in the bathroom at Chef Mickey’s? I don’t know about you, but I think that’s taking the term “dump shop” a bit far….

They directed us towards the busses. With blistered feet and bruised egos, we headed towards the Wilderness Lodge bus stop.

And ran into the arms of America.

I have one word for you. TAXI.

 

[Gerweniel]

My son in 2005 after a haircut at the Main Street Barbershop.

 

[cruising spud]

ZZUB,

Thank you for writing your trip reports. I can only imagine the time they take to write. I enjoy reading each and every one of them.

 

[distherapy]

I have enjoyed ALL of your trip reports today (I know - I need to get a life) and in return, I want to share my favorite Alabama story with you.

Now that we live in SEC land, my visiting father was very excited to watch a recent football game. He told my mother to pass him the remote so he could watch Auburn play Alabama. She stared at him blankly and asked him to repeat himself. She paused and said, "They aren't the same team?"

All activity in the house (and probably the state) screeched to a halt and we stared at her. She tried to explain herself when she realized the reaction and the best she could come up with was "I thought maybe their color was auburn" - to which my dad screamed, "CRIMSON Tide, woman!"

 

[Frickles]

Instead, I relied upon my much ballyhooed massive upper body strength to steer each stroller with one hand.

That is 10 points you just earned for fibbing on your tr.

I grabbed my wife and the two girls, hoisted them up on my shoulders and ran like it was Black Friday and there was a $400 laptop waiting at the end of the roped off queue. Massive. Upper body strength.

That is 10 more. You better watch it, you are up to 9 buddy.

One time on a retreat, about 25 of us were sitting on the floor of this cabin while a speaker presented information on leadership somethinornuther. It was after lunchtime and I had one in the chamber. I held onto it as long as I could. Then I got distracted and there was some seepage. Not a full blown fart, mind you. Just the high pitched squeal of air leaking. Like a balloon. I was sitting next to Katie at the time. No sooner had the tell-tale peep of escaping flatus announced its presence than our team leader, sitting across from me, looked up and right at me. I was marked.

I find this sickingly funny.


Great chapter Zzub! I think they need to put a farting smiley over here in your honor.

 

[CampbellScot]

I have enjoyed ALL of your trip reports today (I know - I need to get a life) and in return, I want to share my favorite Alabama story with you.

Now that we live in SEC land, my visiting father was very excited to watch a recent football game. He told my mother to pass him the remote so he could watch Auburn play Alabama. She stared at him blankly and asked him to repeat himself. She paused and said, "They aren't the same team?"

All activity in the house (and probably the state) screeched to a halt and we stared at her. She tried to explain herself when she realized the reaction and the best she could come up with was "I thought maybe their color was auburn" - to which my dad screamed, "CRIMSON Tide, woman!"

that is SO something my mom would say!!!

 

[ZZUB]

Chapter Nine: I’ve Got Gum

Waking up in the cool dark of our room, I laid there for a while and listened to my wife breathing. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness and then I got on with my day. I love waking up in a room at Disney World. Remembering where I am. Not at home, not on my way to work. No Gillette Fusion or Edge Gel in my immediate future. No depositions. No deadlines. No voicemail or email. No starch. No tie. No low-carb yogurt.

I reckon I’m a creature of habit too, because I quickly get into a routine at Disney World and I kind of enjoy it. I brushed my teeth, slapped on my contacts, put on some clothes and then sat on our balcony and had some time with God. If I think about it really hard, I can feel the thick air hugging me as I sat there, the warm morning sun quickly turning hot. And I can smell the Wilderness Lodge. There are many things we love about Disney World, chief among them is waking up in the morning and realizing you’re there.

I love just being there.

I’ve started slowing down our commando assaults on the parks these last few years. Don’t get me wrong, I can still commando charge the place and go until I puke. Hopefully inside, and not in front of, the bathroom. But I’ve come to appreciate the slower vacation-like pace we follow now.

Which includes sitting on my balcony talking to my God and Savior. And reading His word. To borrow a hackneyed phrase, those times are all good.

When I was done, I took my mug and rinsed it out in the hot water of our sink, dried it off with one of our surplus towels, and headed down to the Fork for some brown water served warm. The coffee walk at the Lodge isn’t quite as scenic as at PORiverside, but on the other hand, it’s a lot shorter.

On this particular morning, we were not headed anywhere early. I’d let myself sleep later than usual and when I was in the Fork, I thought I’d pick up some breakfast. I wandered over to the bakery to grab a couple of bagels but there were only two in there and I think one of them was whole wheat.

A thousand dead relatives just rolled over in their graves: whole wheat bagels?! Oy vey.

I asked the lady behind the counter if they had any more bagels.
“Nope,” she said curtly. “That’s all we have.”
“Really? Nothing else in the back hunh?”
“What do you expect this time of day?!” she spit at me.

It was about 9:45 when she said this. Evidently, in whatever parallel universe she lives in, 9:45 is ridiculously late to be seeking out a breakfast roll that isn't whole wheat.

You would think I just asked Paula Abdul if it was going to be her and me forever. She looked at me like I was caught in a hit and run.

“What do you expect this time of day?!”

It wasn’t until later, when I recounted this story to my wife, that I realized how rude her answer was. When she said it to me, I was less surprised by her attitude than I was that there were no other bagels. I grabbed some fruit, paid the bill and headed upstairs.

A lot has been written about the deteriorating state of Disney World cast members. A lot of it by me. So I won’t ramble down that trail again. Except to say, I remember a time when it was unthinkable for a Disney cast member to speak with such hostility to a guest asking an innocent question. I miss those days.

I wasn’t surprised to be so rudely spoken to by a Disney CM. I’ve come to expect sub par service and a lack of professionalism from Disney employees. Which is a sad indictment.

I ate my banana and Pop Tart and once ZZUBY was up and fed, she and I slathered up in sunscreen, put on our wet clothes and headed to the boat dock.

We were going out on a “speed” boat.

I had been looking forward to this for months. Taking my little girl out exploring in a small boat. Showing her Disney World from a different angle. Going out on the boats was now a Disney Thing for me and this was ZZUBY’s first time. She’d heard the stories about me and Paw Paw out on the boats when I was younger and how much fun I had last year with her uncles and cousins. She was looking forward to it too. It was pretty hot that morning. Florida hot. It took Uncle Arthur quite a few minutes to go over the safety schpiel with us. By the time we got seated in our boat, both ZZUBY and I were moist with sweat. But once Uncle Arthur finished talking and I got our boat moving, we cooled off a bit. I also had the forethought to bring some water with us so we could keep hydrated.

First I headed over to Ft. Wilderness and past what used to be River Country. I stopped in front of it so ZZUBY could recognize that she was sitting in front of the place on her Disney Campout video. From there, I drove over to what used to be Discovery Island for the same purpose. But it was a little sad to see it in such disrepair. It was in worse shape than Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign.

Next, we headed over towards the Magic Kingdom. As we got close to the Contemporary, I stopped so we could look at it. I started talking about how cool it was to get to see this stuff from where we were. ZZUBY humored me by not rolling her eyes. Or maybe she did. I don't know. She was wearing shades. Her future's so bright and all.

I’m an observer, or hadn’t you noticed that about me? I watch the world I’m moving through and occasionally, frequently even, I'll consider what it is I'm experiencing. Juxtapose it with other images and memories in my head. See how it all connects. I’ve developed a habit, perhaps an annoying one to those around me, of commenting on the scene we’re living. I’ll give voice to my inner monologue as I connect that moment in time with other scenes, other events, other times and other people.

Lately, I’ve been pondering how fortunate we are. How many great opportunities we’ve been given. I like to look back and compare where I am now with where I was then. It keeps me in perspective. To remember when a trip to Disney World meant one day, one park, one night at the Allstars. It keeps me humble to remember when mac ‘n cheese and meat was a good dinner.

Anyway, none of what we have is because of me. I know from where our blessings come. And I know that He gives and takes away. I’m well aware of that truth.

So as we came up on the Monorail track, I stopped our boat to take a picture or two. And I said to ZZUBY, “How many people get to do this? Get to see the Monorail track from underneath?”

I remember not too long ago, riding the Monorail and looking with some envy on those people running around the lake in their little boats. People who had a luxury of time, and apparently some resources as well. How I longed to be able to slow down our trip and have time to rent a boat and run it under the Monorail track. That I've gotten to do it two years in a row is a thing for me.

It's not like making Dean's List or passing the bar or winning a hard fought case or even seeing my daughters being born; I'm not that much of a corn dog. But to reallize that we're now so blessed with resources and time to get to slow down and do some extra things in Disney World is, for lack of a better word, cool.

Then we drove over in front of the Magic Kingdom. I parked in front for a bit and pointed out stuff to ZZUBY. I took out the camera and we took some pictures of the Magic Kingdom.

Because we were just sitting still and there was no breeze at all to speak of, we were getting pretty hot. I wanted a picture to commemorate ZZUBYs first time on the boats, so I put my arm around her and we took some pictures of ourselves. If I posted pictures of me and my family, you'd be able to see how hot we are.

Then we drove over to the Grand Floridian and the Polynesian to check them out from the water’s viewpoint. We raced across the Seven Seas Lagoon and I snapped some more pictures of my favorite hotel, the Contemporary.

Yet, I was drawn back to the front of the Magic Kingdom. We stopped there again for a brief bit to soak it in. So to speak. I was so completely enamored of the view of the Magic Kingdom from my small boat on the water. The sound of the train, the glimpse of the Castle’s spires. I could see the past and the present. I turned to ZZUBY, whom I was sure was also appreciating this scene and I asked her in an instantly nostalgic voice, “Isn’t this amazing?”

To which she replied, “Daddy, I feel sick.”

Moment over. Welcome back, ZZUB.

I gave her some more water to drink and told her we’d head back to the Lodge. By the time we were back to the water bridge and under the Monorail tracks again, she was feeling better. As we motored along, the smell of sunscreen and Bay Lake filling my nose, I remembered another ZZUBY non sequitur. Several summers ago, back when she was two, we were sitting on our front porch, her and I, watching dusk settle in over the mountains in front of my house. I love summer. I love late summer days when cooler air welcomes you on the front porch. And the sky is painted with colors deep and warm. The faint and pleasing aroma of barbecue grills and freshly cut grass encourages you to sit a spell.

And so we did. I pulled up a chair and ZZUBY, then only about two years old, sat on my lap. I was completely enamored of the moment. My house. My view. My little girl and me. Enjoying one of the simplest pleasures of life.

“ZZUBY,” I said, “I’m so glad you’re my little girl. I love you.”

To which she coolly replied, “I’ve got gum.”

Moment over. Welcome back, ZZUB.

____

Click Here for Chapter Ten

 

[ncsjodi]

Another great installment, ZZUB. Thanks for brightening my Sunday! The only thing better would have been if the Patriots would have lost this afternoon.

 

[Liz]

Zzub, I was so excited to see you have another report going! Glad you had another one in ya! Enjoyed reading your latest update - the pics are great!

 

[LaLa]

WHO WAS DRIVING THE BOAT?!

It's not like making Dean's List...

reallize

Given your penchant for bad spelling (not to mention bad smelling, but that's neither here nor there), I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here and say that I doubt your name has ever come anywhere near a Dean's list, my friend.

Or has it?

It was in worse shape than Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign.

DED.

If I posted pictures of me and my family, you'd be able to see how hot we are.

I'm sure you couldn't be any hotter.

ZZUB, I loved this installment. I could almost feel the hot air as you described sitting out on the balcony in the morning. Funny how a few little words can bring you right back there, isn't it? Thanks for the pictures underneath the monorail. Those were pretty cool. And I'm sure that, like so many other memories with her Dad, that boatride around Bay Lake is something your daughter will always hold near and dear to her heart. Either that or she'll remember it as the time she almost threw up because Daddy was pretending to be Don Johnson and cutting figure eights in the water. And getting pulled over by the boat patrol. Or whatever they're called. In all seriousness, I really enjoyed this installment and I'll be looking forward to the next one.

Two months from now.

Moment over. Welcome back LaLa.