Thanksgiving as a guest question

[motherof5]

If I ask they being given what to bring makes sense but to just tell you and three things I think is a little rude.

 

[tzolkin]

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

I don't drink wine, but it does seem to be a normal contribution people will bring. Whenever I host something, I always expect to provide everything so I think people bring alcohol because it's something they can pick up easily and it will be appropriate regardless of what the meal is (vs bringing something I've already prepared or something that doesn't go with the meal at all).

I've always heard that "etiquette" states that a bottle of wine is a gift for the host(s) and doesn't necessarily need to be opened at the party/dinner. But, if someone brings a bottle of wine, I'll always grab out a few wine glasses and the opener so it can be consumed that evening. Most people we invite over know that DH and I only drink craft beer (we have a pub room in our house, brew beer with friends, and even host a regular beer and theology night for our church), so I figure if they're bringing wine it's because that's what they would prefer to drink.

If I'm sure someone doesn't drink wine I won't bring it. But otherwise, it seems to be a safe hostess gift. They can always re-gift it to someone else.

Yes, I cannot drink wine at all without breaking out in hives and getting sick, but I still think it's a nice thing for people to bring. I don't re-gift, but I do have a cabinet of wines that guest brought but didn't open. It's convenient that I always have some on hand in case anyone comes over who prefers wine.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?

This:

To answer your question, though, if I’m hosting a family holiday & a family member, who was invited, didn’t ask or offer to bring anything initially, no, I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable asking the person to bring something.

But, in both my & DH’s families, I just don’t think that would ever happen. Everyone always asks & discusses - “What can we bring?”

I think it's rude to dictate what you want the person to bring before they ask, but if possible, a good guest will ask, and then it's OK to suggest something.

 

[ronandannette]

If you are bringing something, PLEASE tell the host what it is in advance so they know and can plan!

I entertain a lot, and usually have the menu planned out. Adding something random can sometimes be a little inconvenient and redundant.

I also HATE when people bring dishes and serving platters that I have to later clean and keep track of and return- please be prepared to take anything of yours back home!

You and I are apparently the vast minority. When I host, I host - I've got the food handled and a specific menu in mind. I absolutely don't want anybody to bring anything (especially noodle salad - lookin' at you @RedAngie ). This goes for all kinds of gatherings, whether they be casual family gatherings, holiday feasts or more formal events. And other than helping with the dishes, none of our family would expect to contribute anything to Thanksgiving or Christmas at one another's homes.

One thing I will never understand is all the people who said they don't ask guests to bring anything but at the same time won't arrive for an event without something. What makes you think the host/ess wants to include whatever random thing you bring in her menu? It's actually pretty presumptuous on the part of the guests and I hate it when it happens.

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

We go out a lot and have people in a lot but we all know each other well enough to know whether wine would be welcome. If we accepted an invitation from people and weren't sure I'd error on the side of no wine.

 

[bushdianee]

My sister who hosts because she has the largest house can’t afford to do the whole meal for everyone. So we all contribute. It also helps take some of the cooking off her. She still has the cleaning to do also. It wouldn’t be fair. I am taking the mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, 3 pies and banana bread.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

When I have a party or get together, I provide everything. I have celiac and have to be very careful with my diet.

If someone brings something that isn't gluten free, and it somehow gets mixed with my stuff, I won't be able to eat at my own party.

And yes, it can happen. And has happened. Dip your crackers into my dip. And my dip is now off limits to me. Some touches the Ritz crackers, then grabs a serving spoon. I grab the spoon. Now, there is the potential for gluten on my plate.

So, if you are going to bring something, at least tell me when you get here. And please don't get upset if I don't just add it to the table.

 

[Pooh2]

I host often and would never ask a guest to contribute.

Our family members fall into two groups:

Group A always offer to make something, are great cooks and I am happy to accept their kind offer of help.

Group B never offers to bring anything and usually request a doggie bag, packing up everything Group A cooked!

Just the way it is and I expect the tradition will always be!

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I usually tell people to bring themselves.

this year I am having ds1 vegan girlfriend, so I asked her to bring something she would like because I am not too familiar with recipes yet. She can eat whatever veggies we have.

 

[RedAngie]

You and I are apparently the vast minority. When I host, I host - I've got the food handled and a specific menu in mind. I absolutely don't want anybody to bring anything (especially noodle salad - lookin' at you @RedAngie ). This goes for all kinds of gatherings, whether they be casual family gatherings, holiday feasts or more formal events. And other than helping with the dishes, none of our family would expect to contribute anything to Thanksgiving or Christmas at one another's homes.

One thing I will never understand is all the people who said they don't ask guests to bring anything but at the same time won't arrive for an event without something. What makes you think the host/ess wants to include whatever random thing you bring in her menu? It's actually pretty presumptuous on the part of the guests and I hate it when it happens.

We go out a lot and have people in a lot but we all know each other well enough to know whether wine would be welcome. If we accepted an invitation from people and weren't sure I'd error on the side of no wine.

I was thinking of posting about the unsolicited noodle salad, but I figured I'd wait for you to have the honor. You didn't disappoint.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Well it usually isn’t seen as a gift but as a contribution to the party. Much like bringing a cake. It is usually put out to consume.
Unless under certain conditions I will give an expensive bottle with a wink to put it away but only when i know the people would enjoy it!

The contribution to the party makes a lot of sense. I didn't think of it in that way, and that actually does seem like a pretty good way to contribute when you don't know what to give/don't want to step on the host's toes with providing a dish that may not go with the menu.

I don't drink wine, but it does seem to be a normal contribution people will bring. Whenever I host something, I always expect to provide everything so I think people bring alcohol because it's something they can pick up easily and it will be appropriate regardless of what the meal is (vs bringing something I've already prepared or something that doesn't go with the meal at all).

I've always heard that "etiquette" states that a bottle of wine is a gift for the host(s) and doesn't necessarily need to be opened at the party/dinner. But, if someone brings a bottle of wine, I'll always grab out a few wine glasses and the opener so it can be consumed that evening. Most people we invite over know that DH and I only drink craft beer (we have a pub room in our house, brew beer with friends, and even host a regular beer and theology night for our church), so I figure if they're bringing wine it's because that's what they would prefer to drink.


Yes, I cannot drink wine at all without breaking out in hives and getting sick, but I still think it's a nice thing for people to bring. I don't re-gift, but I do have a cabinet of wines that guest brought but didn't open. It's convenient that I always have some on hand in case anyone comes over who prefers wine.

We're beer drinkers too. Your pub room and beer and theology nights sound like fun! Maybe one of these days I'll invest in some wine glasses in case someone ever brings any over. Right now the closest thing I have to wine glasses are a pair of blue and green plastic goblets with tikis on the side. Really classy!

You and I are apparently the vast minority. When I host, I host - I've got the food handled and a specific menu in mind. I absolutely don't want anybody to bring anything (especially noodle salad - lookin' at you @RedAngie ). This goes for all kinds of gatherings, whether they be casual family gatherings, holiday feasts or more formal events. And other than helping with the dishes, none of our family would expect to contribute anything to Thanksgiving or Christmas at one another's homes.

One thing I will never understand is all the people who said they don't ask guests to bring anything but at the same time won't arrive for an event without something. What makes you think the host/ess wants to include whatever random thing you bring in her menu? It's actually pretty presumptuous on the part of the guests and I hate it when it happens.

We go out a lot and have people in a lot but we all know each other well enough to know whether wine would be welcome. If we accepted an invitation from people and weren't sure I'd error on the side of no wine.

As much as I appreciate when people offer to bring something for a get-together, I'm kinda with you on unsolicited dishes. A couple of years ago, my neighbors came over for Thanksgiving and despite notifying them of the menu in advance, still brought 3 of the exact same dishes I had prepared. And it wasn't like they were prepared differently or anything- basic Idaho mashed potatoes, canned corn, and the basic recipe green bean casserole. There of course wasn't room on the table for everything (nor did we really need 2 platters each of 3 sides) and I didn't want to be rude, so my stuff got left in the kitchen and didn't get touched. They also brought a macaroni salad and an egg salad (also without notifying us) and I felt bad that they were barely touched. Had they said they were going to bring them I could have told them (respectfully, of course) not to make a lot since none of us will touch that stuff.

I've also had relatives bring an unsolicited dish that barely got touched, then try to leave us with the leftovers when it's something we won't eat. At least take your stuff back with you when we politely say we don't want your leftover dish.

 

[amberpi]

For the hosts that don't want additional dishes - there are things I MISS from my Thanksgivings. If I'm coming to your house and having to miss my family, should I not bring the few things that feel like home to me? Not trying to argue, but I don't see the issue in something random on the table. Duplicates, yeah, I get that, but if you're making roasted butternut squash I'm not missing it. If you aren't, is it SO tacky to let me enjoy it or should I just digest whatever? That may be the best manners, so legit asking.

 

[disykat]

I agree with you amberpi. While obviously not at a regular dinner party, Thanksgiving is kind of about favorites and sharing traditional foods. We spend holidays with a group of friends and my friend that generally hosts Thanksgiving doesn't care for pumpkin or cranberries. I'm so happy she lets me bring pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce! I also bring a nice green salad that I know she will enjoy to contribute to the meal. Each family brings some favorites. One gal brings her grandma's frozen dessert recipe and one make lefse because it was important in her family. We share our traditions. Each of us brings several things to contribute.

One person hosting with a set menu just doesn't sound Thanksgivingish to me.

If I'm hosting a formal dinner or a party for someone in my own family I wouldn't want people bringing things, but everything I've ever learned about Thanksgiving was about sharing traditions and sharing the abundance.

 

[amberpi]

I agree with you amberpi. While obviously not at a regular dinner party, Thanksgiving is kind of about favorites and sharing traditional foods. We spend holidays with a group of friends and my friend that generally hosts Thanksgiving doesn't care for pumpkin or cranberries. I'm so happy she lets me bring pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce! I also bring a nice green salad that I know she will enjoy to contribute to the meal. Each family brings some favorites. One gal brings her grandma's frozen dessert recipe and one make lefse because it was important in her family. We share our traditions. Each of us brings several things to contribute.

One person hosting with a set menu just doesn't sound Thanksgivingish to me.

If I'm hosting a formal dinner or a party for someone in my own family I wouldn't want people bringing things, but everything I've ever learned about Thanksgiving was about sharing traditions and sharing the abundance.

You said it better than I did. I want to share my traditions and I miss them. I'm not trying to one up somebody's mashed potatoes, but if not no one is bringing something how can it hurt? And you're right, this is only in the case of Thanksgiving.

 

[ronandannette]

I was thinking of posting about the unsolicited noodle salad, but I figured I'd wait for you to have the honor. You didn't disappoint.

You can count on me, Red!

For the hosts that don't want additional dishes - there are things I MISS from my Thanksgivings. If I'm coming to your house and having to miss my family, should I not bring the few things that feel like home to me? Not trying to argue, but I don't see the issue in something random on the table. Duplicates, yeah, I get that, but if you're making roasted butternut squash I'm not missing it. If you aren't, is it SO tacky to let me enjoy it or should I just digest whatever? That may be the best manners, so legit asking.

Seriously - no, you shouldn't take that liberty if you're a guest somewhere but then again why all the drama if this is family? I presume you're referring to dinner with your in-laws this Thanksgiving. Either reach out to your MIL and ask if she'll make the squash or at least tell her you plan to bring it. Otherwise yeah, just "digest whatever" and be gracious. And if going there instead of eating with your own parents is a problem, how about you host everyone? Sure-fire way to get to eat what you want.

 

[amberpi]

You can count on me, Red!

Seriously - no, you shouldn't take that liberty if you're a guest somewhere but then again why all the drama if this is family? I presume you're referring to dinner with your in-laws this Thanksgiving. Either reach out to your MIL and ask if she'll make the squash or at least tell her you plan to bring it. Otherwise yeah, just "digest whatever" and be gracious. And if going there instead of eating with your own parents is a problem, how about you host everyone? Sure-fire way to get to eat what you want.

No drama, just missing some, to me, "normal" things. Due to logistics, we can't see both families, and I do love my ILs, and no matter the food, this will be a thanksgiving for the books for me Showing up with a few extra dishes didn't seem rude though, but I called her already and said "can I bring these things that are Thanksgiving for me?" and she yes! I just wouldn't have thought it uncouth to show up with extra stuff. Showing up with nothing seems like bad manners to me, even if its just a hostess gift.

 

[disykat]

Either reach out to your MIL and ask if she'll make the squash

Yikes! I can't imagine doing that! How can bringing something to share be considered wrong and asking your host (even if it is family) to make something extra be considered right?

 

[Eve & Wall-e]

My family always does potluck style for all big holiday meals

This is what my family does, too. Potluck style for the major holiday meals.

 

[ronandannette]

No drama, just missing some, to me, "normal" things. Due to logistics, we can't see both families, and I do love my ILs, and no matter the food, this will be a thanksgiving for the books for me Showing up with a few extra dishes didn't seem rude though, but I called her already and said "can I bring these things that are Thanksgiving for me?" and she yes! I just wouldn't have thought it uncouth to show up with extra stuff. Showing up with nothing seems like bad manners to me, even if its just a hostess gift.

Understood, but a bowl of squash (or any other item to add to the menu) isn't the same as a hostess gift. Not that I necessarily think family holidays call for hostess gifts. I think you did the right thing by asking about the squash and I hope you all enjoy your feast.

 

[amberpi]

Yikes! I can't imagine doing that! How can bringing something to share be considered wrong and asking your host (even if it is family) to make something extra be considered right?

That’s why I thought just having extras would be ok. In my own situation though, it’s res

Understood, but a bowl of squash (or any other item to add to the menu) isn't the same as a hostess gift. Not that I necessarily think family holidays call for hostess gifts. I think you did the right thing by asking about the squash and I hope you all enjoy your feast.

Oh, I’ve got flowers being delivered tomorrow and I actually like her so it’s no skin off my nose to send her some flowers. I just thought more was always ok, so was surprised to hear that anyone would take offense to it. It was a simple remedy in my case.

 

[Eve & Wall-e]

There is about 60 people that will attend.

Oh my gosh, 60 people? Do you have Thanksgiving in someone's home or rent a hall or something?