My evening in interpretive dance and smilies:
(We open at the star's well appointed home)
(New location, ER waiting room)
"Can't any of you heartless people help me??? My son has a REALLY, REALLY bad mosquito bite."
Kill me now.
(New location, triage)
"Are you in a lot of pain?"
"I'm going to rip your toe nails out through your mouth!"
(Bed 17)
"Are the meds working?"

"Hey, I'm sorry about that comment about you and the goat. FYI, it was a very pretty goat."
(Compassionate nurse #1)
"What are you in for? Kidney stones???"
(Nurse #2)
"Kidney stones?"
(Nurse #3)
"Kidney stones? You know, you look a lot like my ex-boyfriend."
(Nurse in training)
"I hear the pain gets so bad, you'll wish you were dead. Well at least the stuff we gave you here will hold you over for a while and keep you pretty pain-free. Oh, and Gladys from admitting said you've only got a few more hours with her and she can release you. She's just finishing up with one of the blood samples."
(Enter doctor)
"Wanna hear a joke? Even though you came in here curled up in a fetal position from pain and we have meds now that can make you feel nothing for a week, I'm going to recommend that you take an advil or two for pain unless it gets really bad, then you can take this script for extra strength tylenol. Now go home and cry like a little girl!"
Wait...what did he say???