Teens & Dating - What Age?!

[CindyBeth]

My dd14 has her first boyfriend and has for a couple of days now. I felt like something was going on and ask her several times about it and a note I found, she has been lying to me about it until this morning when I finally ask her outright, are you lying to me. She did admit she was lying right away and when I ask her why, she said she didn't want us teasing her about him (my dh probably would have teased her about it and I have talked to him about it). My dd is a good student and doesn't usually lie to us. There is also a dance tomorrow at school. So do we punish her for lying to us or try to talk about why she lied? We also don't have any rules about boyfriends, so we need to lay some rules down as well. What rules do you have about boyfriends? Help! I have been dreading this stuff! I'm not sure how to handle this!!!!!

 

[Laurajean1014]

I, personally, would not ground her for this lie. Although, I do not condone lying, I don't think I would punish my child for this.

I would send my child to the dance being well schooled on mannerisms, politeness and the proper way to say "no" if they feel that they do not want to "participate" in any type of event.

Good luck.

 

[huckster]

i would not ground her , sounds like she has been on the up and up to you , and she was honest when you asked her, keep the lines of comunication open , but still snoop too.. after all your still the parent , i have been very blessed with a dd now 18 and we talk alot we dont always agree but we both listen to each other ,

 

[Rajah]

I agree, I'd take this as an opportunity to discuss lying but let her off on this one.

 

[Mercy]

I agree with the others, I would not punish her. Just use this as an opportunity to talk about "dating", boys, etc.

At this age dating is really just talking on the phone, etc. But if they do actually "go out", always make sure they are in a group.

 

[shortbun]

Teen years are very scary-for the teens!!! She may not really know what is actually happening and the boy might not either. "Dating" has all sorts of definitions. Some teen prefer not to talk about their first crush for fear of teasing or worse-unrequited love. Give your daughter a break and know that you might not always be "in the loop" from now on. She's old enough to have private thoughts and parts to her social life. Discuss boundaries with her and let her know what you are comfortable with but she must have some privacy as a 14 yo girl. I'm mostly talking gossip, thoughts and secrets with friends as being private. Moms and Dads would love to know everything. I drive a school bus and hear a lot. The kids don't think I listen. If you can set up the same kind of scenario-you the driver, not listening...then hold your information as dear(not discussing with daughter unless absolutely needed) you COULD learn more.

 

[Christine]

Shortbun is correct. I think at age 14, mom and dad don't need to be immediately informed of every crush and communication with a boy. I know that *I* was a very private teenage. My parents and I had a great relationship, but I was just one that liked to keep stuff to myself. It did not mean I was doing anything wrong. I just wanted my privacy. When I was ready, I would tell things.

That is quite a bit different than "sneaking around." They shouldn't be compared as the same.

I agree that you should allow her some privacy.

Now, as for dating. My DD is 14. She does not go out with boys on her own. Mostly, they get together in groups. I wouldn't have any problem with my DD going to a dance and the boy being there and them hanging out.

 

[MELSMICE]

I agree with everyone else. Let her go to the dance. Remember to keep the lines of communications open - talk, talk, talk.

I have 3 DD's & they're all very different so I try to talk to them when they want & in the context they are each comfortable with.

Getting through the teen years sure is a lot different than those toddler years. Those are a piece of cake when I think back!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the posts so far.

At this particular point, punishment would only make your daughter feel the need to hide her secrets better. NOW is the time to reasure her that she can come to you with anything that she feels she needs to share.

PS: I am not sure that wanting to withold this personal information for a while would be considered a big lie. It is more of a personal space issue now!!!

You and your DH need to discuss this new road in detail, and get yourselves on the same page, and then begin to lay it our for your DD.

Personally, I would not allow real one-on-one dating at such a young age. And everything would be strictly supervised, no matter who the current boyfriend is. These are the kinds of things that you and your DH need to discuss and make sure you are a united front.

 

[SillyMe]

My dd14 has her first boyfriend. My only rule about boyfriends is to not leave them alone.

If this is the first time she's lied to you I would not punish her for it. I would sit down and talk to her and explain that she will be punished, however, if she ever does it again. Then open the lines of communication and show interest in her "relationship". It will get her to trust you and open up to you. Then keep those lines of communication open. It's the best thing you can do.

 

[LiteBrite]

My 18yo daughter had her first boyfriend at 15. At that time, their "dating" consisted of visiting at each other's houses, always with a parent present.

Her second relationship started at 16, and lasted until just before her 18th birthday. This time the boy was a couple of years older than her, and had his own car. The rules became: never alone at anyone's house, never alone in a car that wasn't moving. They went out to eat, to movies, or to hang out with other teens, but we always had to know exactly where they were and when she'd be home.

Now she's in her first year of college, still living at home, and has boyfriend #3. She's assuming that she's still not allowed to be alone with him at anyone's house, so since she still thinks that, we're not arguing with her

One thing we did with the earlier boys - hubby took each one of them out to lunch not long after they became boyfriend/girlfriend to let them know (in a friendly way ) what we expected of them, and we were always careful to maintain a relationship with the boys. We figured the closer they were to us, the better we could keep an eye on them!