Teenage pregnancies; need help in my response

[Claudia1]

As most of you know, my 16 yr DD is a teenage mom. Not by her choice and the courts are currently grinding thru the system on the felony charges associated with the pregnancy. 'nuf said.......

I'm having some difficulty in dealing with some of the circumstances that I am learning about. Because my DD is a mom and a wonderful listener/friend/shoulder to cry on, she is constantly getting calls from girls who think they are pregnant. I get in on a lot of stories & tears!

(Please feel free to respond with any and all thoughts; I am truly seeking enlightenment to understand all of this.)

My DD was estatic that one of her girlfriends may be pregnant. She is a graduating senior and will miss college. This was evidently planned by her and her adult boyfriend. She will miss college, currently only has a fast-food job, and has no plans on making a family/home for the baby. Because she loves her guy and she is graduating, my DD thinks this is great. In other cases, my DD and her friends are "happy" for certain couples with a blessing on the way because they are "in love". While most of the girls that contact DD are scared, some are thrilled.

Why is this great? I'm old-fashioned in thinking that they should establish a home before the conception. (I'm talking about responsible birth control here, nothing else.) While I realize that accidents happen, I also am realizing the large number of teens that want this to happen.

When I questioned DD about her joy for her friend, she says things like, "She will make a good mom", "They love each other", "What's the big deal?"

I say to her, "Since you already have a baby, can't you see how diificult it would be to establish a home with a partner along with a new baby?" {Note: In her defense, I'm sure that she is envious of the loving partner part.......} With divorce rates so high, I feel that the marriage should come first and be given a priority. Just to restate my previous comment, I'm talking about planned pregancies or those that come about by knowingly allowing it to happen.

Why is this a "good" thing in their minds? Immaturity? Societal influences? Visions of cherubic angels?

Any thoughts that I can share with DD and her peers? I am quite conservative and, therefore, a "fuddy-duddy" at times. I don't want to preach but I'm having trouble with what I say.

All comments welcomed, except flames. I get enough flames from my teenager.........!

 

[apagano]

As long as they are adults making an informed choice and they are willing to take full responsibility for the care and well-being of their child, then more power to 'em. However, should they find that parenting is not all it was cracked up to be, too bad! That would be my approach, anyway. The best you can do is make sure they have all the tools to make a reasoned decision. Beyond that, your daughter's friends have to make their own choices and live with the consequences.

I'm not sure what you mean by "adult" boyfriend. My inference is that she is barely 18 and he's much older. If that's the case then it sounds to me like your DD's friend could have questionable parents of her own.

 

[poohandwendy]

Claudia, I think some of it has to do with an immature idealistic vision of finally having something of their own to love/own.

I think many young girls see the ones who have babies and 'make it' and form an unrealistic...'they did it and they are ok' opinion of the situation. They aren't there for the really hard times. Like being physically and mentally exhausted. Losing friends, having little in common with your peers, having people look at you differently/ with pity or disgust.

I was there, I was young and married with a baby on the way. It's a tough road I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have successfully overcome the hurdles and we are still happily married 17 yrs later. BUT....a big BUT...it is not something I want for my children or loved ones.

I have a different attitude when I talk to young girls based on their situation.

If they are not pregnant and see it as 'romantic', I try to set them straight. I try to convey the hardships and the struggles I have dealt with. I point out all of the young marriages/relationships that crumble due to the stress of starting off so young...I have seen so many. I try to let them know that someday will come sooner than they think. I have no idea if they 'get it', I really don't know if there is a way that they can.


If they already are pregnant and planning on keeping their child, I try my best to build them up and tell them that they CAN do it, that they have what it takes. That it will take much work and sacrifice, but it is worth it. I try to help them come to a realistic plan for dealing with the issues involved and offer my help, whatever I can do. I feel that is what they need, they will have many people who tell them they 'can't' make it, they 'can't possibly' succeed. They need someone to believe in them. they are at a very lonely place in their life. Very few people understand and so many are judgemental. I remember the people who lifted me up instead of ripping me apart. They gave me hope.

I understand your frustration, it is tough to see young people so unrealistic about HUGE life decisions. That is why they are so unprepared/ill equipped.

My very best wishes to you and your daughter. With your guidance, I am sure she will 'make it'....sounds like you are her rock. She is a lucky girl.

 

[poohandwendy]

My DD was estatic that one of her girlfriends may be pregnant.

I missed this in my first post...sadly, your dd is probably glad to have a peer who she will something in common with. It is really hard to not be able to talk with your friends about all of the things going on in your life if they aren't dealing with similar issues. That's just my take on it, it's sad. From what I have read, your dd had her baby not all that long ago? If I am correct, she is in the early stages of it and hasn't seen all of the long-term effects yet. I'll bet she will have much different 'advice' for young girls in a few years...

 

[disneefamily]

Disnee Dad Says........................................What a sad topic.
Poohandwendy, They see the ones who have babies and make it?
What, 10 % at best. Surely they see the 90% who are stuck in poverty for life.
Do you think you are average, or as I think you got lucky worked very hard, and things worked out in your favor. That doen't happen often.
Don't encourage them, they have a 10% chance to be middle class happy folk. 90% are doomed to poverty for life. Simple statistics. A better tack would be don't do it, don't ruin your life, everyone thinks thier case is special, but 9 out of ten fail.
My heart goes out to all of you, but stats are stats. When stats say 1 out of ten will make it, all ten swear they will be the one to make it, but only one will.

 

[iNTeNSeBLue98]

Difficult topic to respond. Here are my

My mom was 17 and in love with my dad. Her father didn't want her to marry so she and he made me so they would have to get married. That was in 1969. My grandfather never thought the marraige would last, it didn't. The divorced after almost 20 years together.

I have two cousins who each had their first child when they were 16. Both now have 4 (weird, they're on opposite sides of my relation and they happened to be in the same high school when they got pregnant). Anyway. One has never married, though she has been with the father of 3 of her girls for more than 10 years. After seeing her mother's troubled marriage she didn't want to bother with the legal part of being married. The other cousin has had a harder time., but she is a loving, supportive mom. She has been married at least twice. I'm not very close to her, but I think she has been with her latest man a number of years now. I'm pretty sure both girls completed their education in HS, I know #1 did for sure. Neither had plans to attend college.

Best of luck to you, your daughter and granddaughter, and your daughter's friend and her new baby.

A coworker feels this - "You're only given as much as you can handle". when in a tough spot, think about it.experiences .

 

[Lucky4me]

This topic touches home for me and is so sad.

My niece told everyone from the time she was 11 years old she wanted a baby. It was her life mission to become pregnant. My sister tried talking to her, took her to counseling and let her know if she ever did get pregnant she would be on her own. At 17, she finally got her wish. The Father was 21 and wanted to marry her. We all counseled her and were able to talk her out of getting married. 16 year old Moms should not have to take on the burden of being someones wife when they are just learning how to become someones Mommy. It's just too much responsibility all at once. It will fail. (99% failure rate) Instead, we encouraged her to live on her own but also offered our support. She eventually moved in with the Father but in less than a year they broke up. It would have been a lot worse had there been a marriage to dissolve.

She is 21 years old with a 4 year old son. She is going to college and working part time. She now understands that she should have waited for the baby, but is a wonderful Mom to him. The baby is a very loved and important member of our family and our lives are better with him in it. No matter what, that should always be the case. It's never the babys' fault. The hardest part for my niece was finding other young Moms to spend time with. Like your daughter, she would get excited if she found out one of her friends were pregnant. That's only natural to want friends who are going through the same thing you are.

So, I guess if I were you I'd keep talking up the difficulty of raising a baby, maybe expounding on the fact not all parents are as supportive as you, and that romance gets thrown out the window the day the baby comes home from the hospital. It's hard WORK having and taking care of baby. Teen Moms don't realize that until the newness wears off.

Your DD is lucky she has an open minded Mom who she can talk to about these things. Keep up the good work!

 

[Cindy B]

In some cases, its is a "loving something of your own" type situation. There is a idealistic thing about having your own baby, doing your own, being your own mother... it makes them feel needed, loved, supported.

Your daughter is probably excited that she has a peer in her own situation now. Truth be told, even now, in some towns, it is perfectly acceptable to get have babies young, (sometimes get married young), and live on. Some people have no aspirations for careers or colleges. Some are just content working at the grocery store or gas station. Is it wrong for them to be content, doing those jobs?

That is a tough answer, tough call. My cousin had a baby at 17. She never married. (The boyfriend was like 15!) My cousin, before she had the baby, worked at a local grocery store. After the baby, she still continues to work there. She never went to college, but did get her high school diploma. In most of my family members opinions, she did ok, she has a good union job truth be told she does pull down a decent wage), health insurance for her, and her baby....

She never wanted to go to college. There are people out there. I know the baby was unexpected but she did manage.

 

[susy]

WOW!!!!!
Here's MY story....


When I was 19, my 17 year old sister got married. For no other reason than she had it up her butt to do it! She got pregnant and few months later and my nephew was born. She and her husband were both dropouts , who eventually got their GED's. Well, he was anyway, and she dropped out after getting married (3 months before graduation, which was a shock to us).This was a horrible situation for my sister, who could have gone on to college (my dad had a lot of money to burn back then). Who do you think supported those babies??? My mom paid for EVERYTHING! My sister moved out of our nice house in Miami Beach ("around the corner from Barry Gibb nice") to move into a flea-bag efficiency. Her husband was abusive from the get-go. She was always crying on the phone with him and she "loved him so much". It was disgusting. He was VERY controlling. He hated our family and eventually moved them to Texas for three years . They came back about five years ago and he finally (this past September) left my sister (after years of verbal and emotional abuse). This took a while- lots of leaving and coming back. This stuff is STILL GOING ON- my nephew is 17 and my niece is 14. These kids (and my sister )are still suffering. They are living at my mom's right now (the kids share a room). The stress of the divorce cost my nephew the oppoturnity to go to a college program for free!!! His grades dropped dramatically after his father left home to go live with another woman and her kids!

My sister is so consumed with her own pain that she can't take care of her kids. While they were still in their house, she did not cook dinner for five months!

I have not said anything so far about MY mother's suffering! I can't tell how many tears my mother has shed over the past 17 years! This man has called my mom every name in the book and my sister just stood right by him. If he had not left, she woud still be with him. Last year he even went to WDW with this other woman ! She still took him back and would have continued to do so if HE had not left for good. All the while, my mother has not stopped giving up her life for her grandkids. I wish my sister could see how much pain she has caused our family . She never wants to talk about him, but I have told her, "You know, you shoved him up my butt for 17 years, allowed him to abuse me and even cause pain to my child and I WILL talk about it if I need to!"

The whole point of this ranting is this:


A 16 year old is TOO YOUNG to make a life-altering decision, especially when it's a stupid decision that everyone else is going to have to pay for!

PS I know most of this post had to do with the guy, BUT they had plenty of financial trouble (the last was a bankruptcy), too. This, after my parents bought them two houses, paid the kids ' private school tuition and tons of other stuff (including two cars). Even if they have money- money in the hands of idiots is worse than no money at all!!!!!!

 

[susy]

Okay.. I am calm now.... the point of my post is..babies grow up... my niece and nephew are teenagers. They've had a really HARD life and they are really suffering. Think about the baby.

 

[mtemm]

In some cases, its is a "loving something of your own" type situation. There is a idealistic thing about having your own baby, doing your own, being your own mother... it makes them feel needed, loved, supported.

Back in college in freshman sociology we read a book called, "Worlds of Pain." I remember it being a very sad read about teen pregnancy's, particularly in poorer areas. The above quote showed to be very true in the study.

I wish I had words of wisdom. I was 34 before I had my first baby...can't even imagine having one young. My husband's mother got pregnant at 18 and had him when she was barely 19. The father never became part of his life...I think she wanted it that way, not just him. My husband was raised initially by her and his grandmother, god bless her. When he was probably 9 or 10 his mother was able to take care of him in her own home. It was a tough struggle, but the love and support were there. Even though they laugh about it and call my dh, "the mistake by the lake" in a laughing manner...he calls himself it...they all know he wasn't a mistake and never treated him as such. He was unplanned, unexpected, and didn't come at the right time in life. But he is her blessing anyway. When my MIL was in her late 20s and married finally, she was very sick with Lupus and was not able to have any more children. So even though there were many struggles, she thanks god for my dh every day.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

This was probably 16 years ago ...

I was looking for home day care for my kids and heard about this woman who's teenage daughter had a baby. She made an agreement with her daughter that she (the baby's grandmother) would put her life "on-hold" and take care of the baby during the day if the daughter would finish high school and then go on to college. As long as she (the baby's mother) lived up to her part of the bargain this arrangement would continue.

When the baby's teenage mother was home, it was her responsibility (alone) to care of the baby. It was made clear that it was the teenager's baby and responsibility -- not the teenager's parents.

She decided to do some daycare since she was home with her grandson anyway and my two joined them while I was at work. This arrangement worked well for 6 months and then I was told I would need to make other arrangements.

The teenager was not living up to her part of the bargain so her mother stopped babysitting and went outside the home to work.

Several years later I ran into the teenage mother -- she had gotten her Bachelor's degree from college and was going to med school to become a doctor.

I thought the teen's mother was a very, very smart lady!!!

Lesson: As the parents of a teenage mother, I think it is important to put the burdon of responsibility for careing for the child on them. DON'T MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM by taking care of the child and letting the teen go back to their previous care-free existence. If you do, you will become an enabler in them not growing up.

 

[jfulcer]

I don't know if you or your DD would be willing to do this, but have your DD spend the day (or two days) with the friends that have to have the baby. Maybe even do an overnight visit. Have the friend take care of your GD, diapers, feeding, sleeping, burping, playing, etc.... Two days (or maybe even one) of being totally responsible for a baby might allow them to see it's not all glamorous like they seem to think it will be.

Ok, I admit it, I saw this on the Maury Povich show and it seemed like it had an effect of the teens that insisted they wanted to have a baby. Most don't realize the work that is involved.

 

[damo]

Claudia, you sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother and perhaps your daughter wouldn't be so happy for her friend if she didn't have you as her support. I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong, absolutely the opposite, but very few teens would be so lucky to have the support like your daughter does. Those young moms have a very, very hard time of it. Your daughter sounds like a privileged young mom getting the best of both worlds, I doubt that she would be so happy if she didn't have you and her support system.

 

[Claudia1]

Thanks for all your sincere and wonderful replies. Yes, I can see your points and they make lots of sense. In case some of you don't recall our history, DD has some significant learnings disabilities and mental processing skills which affect her reasoning at all levels. I'm sure that she is experiencing typical reactions but her responses are more juvenile and basic than most. Because of her profile, I'm trying to grasp all of the aspects to help me in my responses to her.

I hadn't really thought about the "shared experience" part and that really, really makes sense. Without sounding pompous, we live a good life and most teenaged moms in our area come from families that struggle financially, emotionally, and in many other ways. This friend is more of a social peer than most of the others, so she probably feels acceptance and even pride that her friend would respect her enough to confide in her.

I also want to make the point that, while I have quite rigid feelings on the topic, I never share them in such a way to get back to these girls or to "preach" to them. I rarely get the opportunity to talk directly to them so I carefully word my responses to my DD. She carries the part of the message that she feels in important. Therefore, I step carefully in our private conversations.

Trapped-Parent, we have the same rules with the exception that she is in a teenage-pregnance program that provides free daycare if you attend parenting classes, stay in school, etc.... She assumes the role of caregiver while at home. We give her youth group nights off and about 6 hours/week off for friends and dates. She make bottles, does laundry, picks up toys, etc...

On a more positive note, DD gives great advice to these girls. 99% of the time, they call her before they tell their parents. They always ask her what they should do (drug store preg test, hide it, runaway, etc....). DD always states, with great emphasis, tell your parents! If you are scared, talk to my teacher (a great person for teens, BTW) and go to a doctor! She tells them that the best thing for both mom and baby is to do it the right way, not to listen to other teens. I really don't think that DD realizes the difference she is making is some of these teens lives. Her excellent counsel is rare in these teen conversations.

I know that these are loooooong posts. Thanks for listening and sharing!

(.....and you never know who may be reading these posts that may be impacted to make a better decision by our comments......)

 

[goofygirl]

Why is this great? I'm old-fashioned in thinking that they should establish a home before the conception. (I'm talking about responsible birth control here, nothing else.) While I realize that accidents happen, I also am realizing the large number of teens that want this to happen.

No flaming here, I agree with you 1000%!!!

I weep for the future. I really do. I feel like its the fall of Rome.

Things were better in the days when being a pregnant teen was "taboo" and kept secret and they HAD to be sent away to give birth! Nowadays being a pregnant teen is almost a status symbol!

No advice, I don't think there's anything you can do since you are not the parent of your DD's friends. THEIR parents should have done a better job in teaching them values and priorities. Teens shouldn't be having sex at all, let alone having babies! didn't they learn that at home? Apparantly not.

 

[Claudia1]

jfulcer, yes, I have considered this but most of the girls are in homes that I would not allow our DD to visit for her own safety. Alternatively, if they come to our home, they will not see a "real world" scenario. To be honest, our DGD have already had 3 vacation airplane trips and has many creature comforts that are out of reach for these girls. It looks easy because DH and I provide certain things. Sleep deprivation, a bad reputation, and loss of free time are that biggest problems for DD.

damo, you are so right! DH and I struggle with that issue all the time and there is no "right" answer. She does not realize the full load because she is not capable of carrying it alone. We love them both dearly and want to care for them out of love, not duty. While we want her to be a full-time parent, we also realize that the conception was not her choice. A tightrope act, to be sure.....

 

[caitycaity]

Nowadays being a pregnant teen is almost a status symbol!

i don't know where you live, but this is certainly not true in the area where i grew up, nor in the area where my cousin got pregnant at 17.

 

[Beauty]

Oh boy can I relate Claudia!

I feel in love with John in the 9th grade...by the time I was in the 12th grade and John in the 11th I just knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and what better way to start than having a baby

Luckily I didn't get pregnant (not for lack of trying) until I had graduated and John was in the 12th grade. So we were married on March 9th of John's senior year (can you imagine being married and still in high school) and John-Cole came September 17th..

John got a job in a factory, he was lucky because he knew someone and worked there for the next 3 years. Of course here I am 19-20 years old with a baby who I dropped off with my mom ALL THE TIME and I went out and still did what most 19-20 year olds did. So John is working his butt off for us (I was lucky to have a husband willing to do that) and I'm off partying with my friends, flirting with other guys, telling them all I was not with John anymore....being an awful person! There was no way in hell that John or I were ready to be parents! My mom raised J.C. for the first 3 years of his life.

Thankfully John and I worked things out and now have been married for almost 13 years. I can honestly tell you that even at 31 there are parts of me that are still immature. I think possibly about age 26 I was ready to be a parent. By that time J.C. was 6 years old!

I can say its the idea of being with the one you love. They aren't looking at the money, they aren't looking at the responsibility they are looking at the cute little baby! Its sad and thats from someone who has been there, done that!

 

[goofygirl]

i don't know where you live, but this is certainly not true in the area where i grew up, nor in the area where my cousin got pregnant at 17.

I live in a big city- Philadelphia, Pa. Teen parents have become so commonplace that some of the high schools now have onsite daycare for them! Big cities tend to be places where "anything goes" wheras some small towns are still more conservative, I suppose.