pkondz
Brace yourself for immediate disintegration
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2007
Smokey and the Bandit
We last left our fearless crew emotionally and physically exhausted
and in need of a good night's sleep.
I'm happy to say that the girls, despite having slept all the way to Cedar Point,
and fifty percent of them on the ride after Cedar Point,
were still sufficiently tired to go to bed upon arrival at the hotel.
At least I think they were.
For all I know, they were up half the night.
I do know that I passed out right away.
And not even the worst bed in the world was keeping me awake.
I told the girls that we didn't have any plans for the next day,
(other than a six hour drive)
so they could sleep in.
That's something I tried to do for the entire vacation.
When I'd ask them to be up early one day, it was with a promise of sleeping in the next.
Maybe it worked.
The next morning, while they slept, I was up by eight a.m.
Why?
I have no idea.
I did have something I wanted to do, though.
I had Googled and found a Harley dealership only fifteen minutes from our hotel.
So while the girls were snoozin', I was cruisin',
over to the Harley Store.
I wandered around a bit, grabbed a T-shirt I liked and picked up a poker chip.
When I sashayed up to the counter, the girl at the desk asked me if I had any tattoos.
ummmm.... no?
"Oh." Replied counter girl. "Because today's Tattoo Tuesday."
?
Tattoo Tuesday?
"You get a discount if you have any tattoos."
I, being immensely clever, came back with: "What if I have a tattoo but can't show you?"
Nope. I was told that to get the discount, you had to show the tattoo.
I'm sure this has led to some very interesting sales transactions.
I headed back to the hotel with my unfortunately non-discounted purchases to find the girls still sleeping.
I relaxed and eventually they got up at eleven.
About an hour later we were on the road.
Not much happened between Toledo and our next stop.
Madison, WI.
One thing that did happen was of interest to me, but probably not so much to you.
But I'm writing this so too bad!
Just outside of Toledo, we stopped at a 7 Eleven.
What's 7 Eleven known for?
Slurpees!
I think I've mentioned this before, but Winnipeg is the Slurpee capital of the world.
I'm not making this up.
Go ahead and Google it.
We've earned the title for fifteen straight years.
Hey. Our hockey team bites and our football team sucks.
We have to have something!
Anyway, we stop at a 7 Eleven and this is what I see.
That's it? Six dispensers?? That's not a 7 Eleven! That's a disgrace!!!
This is a picture I took from the one closest to my house.
Eighteen flavours! Now that's more like it!
Sheesh.
Let's see... Anything else to report about that drive? No?
Oh, there was an inordinate amount of crappy drivers who seemed to think
that there was some sort of contest on to see who could cut off the most people.
I declined to participate.
I did however notice one truck that made me wonder
if poor driving was the norm and not an aberration on this stretch of highway.
The truck had mismatched mud-flaps behind the rear wheels.
The one on the driver's side said: "Passing Side"
While the other one said: "Suicide"
Harsh. But accurate.
Eventually, probably around six, we made it to Madison without witnessing anyone kill themselves.
Oh, there were plenty of attempts.
Just no successes.
Or would that be failures?
I parked the car and.... da da da daaaahhhh!
Remembered to actually take a picture of the hotel!
Please, keep the applause down to a minimum.
Oh, okay. Go ahead.
I deserve it.
Done?
Okay, here it is.
The good news is, you can take that picture and apply it to every single hotel we stayed at.
They were pretty much carbon copies of this one.
We checked in and... Holy cow! This room is huge!!
Living room.
Kitchen area and bathroom with jacuzzi tub (Woot!)
Girls room.
And where I slept.
Notice the mattress? It's wafer thin! If you can't see it.... squint.
I had noticed a Chinese food place on the drive in and suggested Chinese to the girls.
They were for it, so that's what we did.
You'll have to excuse the photo; I wanted to take a nice pristine food porn pic...
But they fell on the grub like a pack... can you still call it a pack if it's only two?
Like a pair of wild, starving hyenas.
I watched them tear open cartons and pounce on defenseless shrimp and sadly shook my head.
When they retreated, growling and snarling over their kills, I moved in and sadly surveyed the wreckage that was left behind.
I took a picture anyway... and shed a silent tear for what could have been.
After we'd had our fill of.... whatever that stuff was, we suited up and headed out...
to the pool.
Yup. No coasters, no DISmeets, no dancing, no nuttin'!
Okay, maybe "pool" isn't quite right.
I might've dipped into the pool for a couple seconds,
but mostly I just chilled in the hot tub.
Chilled.
Hot tub.
Can too.
Proof we were there...
Aren't they photogenic?
Not like this weirdo.
When we were all sufficiently waterlogged, we went back to the room and relaxed for the rest of the evening.
I told the girls that, once again, they could sleep in.
Plans for tomorrow?
A quick (relatively speaking... only four hours) drive.
Mall of America, take two.
July ninth, once again, I'm up early.
Not stupid early, but early enough.
Darn it! I'm on vacation! Sleep in once in a while, dang it!
<sigh>
Whatever.
I do have something I want to do.
Can you guess?
Why yes, Virginia. There is a Harley store in Madison.
And it's only five minutes away!
I scooted over there, admired the bikes, checked out the shirts
(didn't find one I liked this time),
and picked up a poker chip.
No one asked to see underneath my clothes this time.
I was a little disappointed.
I got back to the hotel and was surprised to see that Dee was already up.
And chowing down on leftover Chinese food.
Chinese food? For breakfast?
Kids these days.
I asked Dee if Elle was up yet.
Her eyes got really big and she asked, "Can I wake her up???"
"Uh.. sure?" I said.
"Can I jump on her????" She asked. She was practically vibrating with excitement.
"Ah," I said, realization dawning on me. "Sure, go ahead."
Dee quietly, yet quickly strode over to the bedroom door.
She slowly, so as not to make any noise, opened the door.
And then LEAPED high into the air, while letting out a guttural squeal and came crashing down on Elle's sleeping form!
Suffice to say, Elle was up now.
I knew it would take the girls a little while to get ready,
so I decided to stay out of their hair and take a walk.
I walked behind the hotel and.... hey! This is really nice back here!
I sashayed around the pond espying dragonflies, minnows and even a turtle.
I saw something else and headed over.
I asked a few quick questions and bustled back to the room.
"Okay, listen up guys." I started.
"We can leave whenever you're ready and head up to the Mall of America...
or, we can go now and go canoeing first and leave a little later.
Whadya say?"
Well the girls were all for it!
Dee said she'd never been canoeing before and was a little hesitant.
I noticed a small gleam in Elle's eyes, but figured it was just excitement.
Wrong.
We packed up our stuff, loaded it all into the car and checked out.
We then marched back around the pond to the canoe rental place I'd seen earlier.
Paper work complete, the girls and I walked down to the water's edge where the canoes were and
they got outfitted with life preservers and paddles.
Well... they won't let you go three to a canoe.
My plan, since Elle had only done it once before, was to take the stern
and do the bulk of the rowing and all of the steering,
while Dee and Elle took turns playing monkey in the middle.
I asked Elle if she was comfortable going out and steering on her own.
She asked for (and I provided) a quick tutorial on how to paddle again.
Then she was all set.
I could be wrong, but I think I saw her rubbing her hands together in anticipation.
Not of paddling, but... oh, you'll see.
Remember, Dee had never done this before, so she was a little hesitant.
We had rented the canoe for an hour, which was plenty of time for the kids to go out and explore the pond.
And for Elle to finally, finally get her revenge on Dee.
The girls set out, Dee in the front, Elle in the rear.
I relaxed in the shade of a convenient tree and watched.
I could feel the stress of the trip oozing out of me.
Ahhhhh.... it was so nice not having high pitched squealing in my ears for a change.
Well, that's not strictly true...
For the next hour, echoing across the pond, all you could hear was:
"Elle! Stop it! Don't do that! You're going to make us fall in! Stop! Don't! Quit rocking it!"
There'd be a brief moment of silence, then the pattern would repeat itself.
Elle told me later, that the quiet periods were when Dee would quietly threaten to "Get out of this boat right now!"
Elle would calmly reply, "Go right ahead."
Elle made sure to keep the canoe away from dry land as much as possible.
When they had had their fill of canoeing...
Correction, Dee had her fill about fourteen seconds after they started.
When Elle had had her fill of canoeing, they came back to shore.
I pulled the canoe onto land so they could get out without getting their shoes wet.
Dee didn't quite kneel down and kiss the ground, but it was a close thing.
She did say, however, that she was never, ever! going in a canoe again.
Elle had this contented look on her face.
Don't know why.
Must've enjoyed the canoeing, I guess.
While I made sure everything was in order with our renters,
the girls ran back to the hotel.
When I found them, they were contentedly munching on cookies and relaxing on the front porch.
We piled in the car and set out for Mall of America.
Short drive gang! Only four hours!
Yeah, I wish.
Two things happened that made the drive a bit more stressful.
One was pretty typical, the other...
Traffic was moving at a good clip when suddenly... it wasn't.
We came to a complete halt.
Accident maybe?
It was the weirdest thing.
For the next twenty miles we would come to a complete halt,
then speed up to the limit (sixty five? I think?) for a few seconds,
then come to a complete halt again.
This repeated over,
and over,
and over again.
We finally got to a construction site where the highway narrowed down to one lane... for about fifty feet.
That was it.
The other thing that happened?
The last thing I want when I'm driving in the States is a speeding ticket.
One of three things can happen (maybe there's more, but three is all I'm aware of).
1. You get pulled over and have to pay the ticket right then and there.
Why? Because as a foreigner, I'm likely to skip town and never pay.
So pay up now, mister.
Frankly, I didn't want to be in a situation where I had to use up all my US cash on a ticket.
2. You get pulled over and are told to pay the ticket at a location that is out of the way.
So not only does it cost money, but precious time as well.
3. You get pulled over and have to pay the ticket at a later date.
Later date? Do you know how long it took me to get down here in the first place?
I don't relish coming back just to pay a ticket, thankyouverymuch.
Don't pay it?
Hey! What a great idea!
Except... Next time I try to cross the border into the States,
my name will come up and some nice folks with wide brimmed hats and pistols will welcome me.
So suffice to say, I was hyper aware of my speed at all times.
Now typically, when I drive I'll drive within five mph or so of the limit.
I'm pretty confident that I'm not going to be ticketed for that.
More than that?
Not so confident.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because of the green van.
The green van was old.
The green van was rusty.
The green van was a pain in the butt!
My car has cruise control.
Most do these days.
So it's pretty normal to be slowly but steadily passed or pass someone.
Sometimes you have to turn it off, but I like to leave it on as much as possible.
During our trek, I slowly passed this green van.
Didn't think much of it at the time, just another in a long list of vehicles I'd passed this trip.
A few minutes later, I noticed that van was now passing me.
I remember thinking that I'd just passed it and maybe the driver upped his cruise,
or, more likely, was pushing a little harder on the pedal.
A few minutes later, I'm passing the green van again.
Whatever.
A few minutes later... you guessed it. He's back.
Now I don't mind if he can't keep a constant speed,
but what I do mind is that whenever he passes me,
he sits beside me for several minutes, matching my speed.
He wasn't doing it deliberately, it's just human nature if you're trucking along,
to match speeds with someone.
But don't do it with the car you're passing!
What would happen is, he would pull up beside me,
match speed with me, which meant I had to turn off my cruise and slow down...
Because I was catching up to the next vehicle in front of me!
So it went like this.
Pass the green van.
The green van pulls up beside me.
I have to slow down.
The green van would slow down to match me again.
I would have to slow down more.
The van would finally pull ahead.
Pass the green van... repeat ad infinitum.
Eventually, I was catching up to a long train of semis.
I looked in my side mirror and... oh no!
It's the green van, with a line of semis behind him!
I knew that if I let him catch up to me again I'd be stuck behind the semis for a long, long time.
There was plenty of space for me to get in front of the green van.
I'd just have to speed up a little so that I didn't cut him off.
It's either that or spend the next long, long while sucking on diesel fumes.
At slow speed.
Nope. Not gonna happen.
I pushed down on the pedal, accelerated to about ten or fifteen mph over the limit...
Changed into the passing lane...
And there, right in front of me, about a quarter mile up the road was a state trooper.
With his radar gun pointed right at me.
Terrific.
I studiously monitor my speed for the whole trip only to speed up once and this happens!
I swept past the cop with fingers crossed and breath held.
Did he clock me? Is he pulling into traffic?
There was lots of traffic in the passing lane (most notably, an old green van)
so it might be a while before he can get out onto the highway.
We round a curve and the cop is out of my sight.
Wait, did I see him pull out just before I lost sight of him?
Is that the car in my rear view mirror?
Luckily, I didn't get a ticket.
Didn't get pulled over.
I suspect that because I accelerated and pulled out right in front of him,
I was too close with too little time to get clocked.
Or maybe he was only checking for speeds more than ten - fifteen over the limit.
Nevertheless, I was nervous and checking my rear-view mirror for the next half hour or so.
I didn't fully relax until we got to the Mall.
At the Mall, the girls wanted to go shopping and I... did not.
I had one thing I wanted to do, but that was it.
I asked them what time they might like to have dinner, arranged a time and location to meet,
and sent them on their merry way.
I ran up to the second floor and headed straight for the Lindt Chocolate shop.
Kay has a sweet tooth and one of the things she loves is Lindt Stracciatella chocolate.
I figured I'd grab her some while I was in the neighbourhood.
Having finished with that (I may have snagged some for myself
) I thought about dinner.
We were all meeting at the Lego store at seven p.m.
Hey! (Light bulb goes off over my head... yes it was dim, but it was there!)
How about Benihana?
I've never been, but I've heard it's fun! And there's one in the mall!
I go up another flight and walk in to the restaurant.
Can I make a reservation for seven fifteen? For three people? I can? Great!
Reservation done, shopping done, I now want just one thing.
To do nothing!
I just want to find a quiet little spot, sit down and read a book.
I head back to the car, drop off the chocolates (well, Kay's portion)
and grab my book.
Now to find someplace quiet.
I don't want to sit in the car and read, though I consider it.
Nah. I've spent enough time in that seat already.
Someplace in the mall?
Hmmm.... The mall's pretty busy... and noisy.
Wait.
The fourth floor might not be too bad.
So here's the plan.
I'll head up to the fourth floor, if I can't find a quiet nook someplace, I'll retreat to the car.
I head back into the mall and am pleased to see
that I am the only patron who is going all the way to the top floor.
Reaching the fourth floor, I look around.
To my left it looks busy. Plus that's where the movie theaters are.
Probably noisy.
To my right looks more promising.
The hallway in this direction seems to be fairly deserted and then does a dog leg to the right.
There's a sign set in the middle of the hallway.
"Emergency exit only. No exit to parkade."
I peak around the corner.
Not a soul in sight! Perfect.
I'm not going to exit, so I'm not breaking any rules by sitting here.
I wander down the deserted hall and notice a door on my left.
It's a strange door.
It's elevated off the floor by at least a foot, forming a natural bench.
Perfect!
I've found my reading nook.
I settle myself in and blissfully relax and read.
Ahhhh.....
Time? Plenty of time before seven.
<sigh>
Boy this is the most relaxing time I've had this trip!
This is the life.
Not a care in the world.
..................
Whoops! Someone's just come around the corner.
Oh, darn, I hope whoever it is doesn't bother me, I'm quite comfortable here.
It's not someone. It's someones. Three someones.
And not just any someones.
Police.
Not mall security.
Police.
With big guns.
I try to look like I don't see them but I watch them out of the corner of my eye.
Probably a routine patrol.
Although, not sure why the cops patrol the mall... maybe it's part of their beat?
Maybe they get to go through the Do Not Exit exit.
I stopped wondering and started getting alarmed when they stopped and surrounded me.
uh, oh.
What was passing through my mind right now was
"What are the girls going to do when I don't show up at seven? Or ever?
Who do I call to bail me out of jail?"
Oh, and "Oh, CRAP!!!"
One of the cops addresses me
while the other two stand oh so nonchalantly with their hands resting on their gun butts.
"Sir? May I ask what you're doing here?"
"Um. Reading a book.
My daughter and her friend are shopping and I'm just passing the time while I wait for them."
Even to me it sounds made up.
Good grief! Who'd buy that story!
I'm obviously a terrorist!
Take him down, boys!
"Sir, so you're just reading?"
He says "sir" in a way that suggests he's using it but really hoping for an excuse to shoot me.
"Yes, that's right. Am I not allowed here?
The sign only said no exit and I'm not exiting. I'm reading." I finish lamely.
"Well, the area's not restricted, but it is sort of off limits."
"Oh!" Says I, says I in my most un-terrorist-like voice. "No problem! I'll just go read somewhere else!"
"Thanks, sir. We'd appreciate that."
He now says "sir" like he's disappointed that he won't get to shoot me... yet.
I got up and walked back the way I had come, earlier.
I did not sashay.
I instead concentrated on trying not to run.
When I was out of eyesight (and gun sight) I breathed a sigh of relief.
Defeated, I retreated to my car.
Oddly enough, I had trouble concentrating and didn't get much reading done.
At a quarter to seven, I re-enter the mall and make my way over to the Lego store.
I am a wanted fugitive, but they'll never take me alive!!!
I'm a bit early, but you never know, the girls might already be waiting.
Besides, if they are early, then we don't have to rush up to Benihana for our reservation.
At five to seven there's still no sign of the girls.
At seven I'm starting to look around for them.
You know the stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance?
There are stages of parenting with a late child.
Annoyance, Anger, Worry, more Anger, Really Worried.
At five after seven, I was annoyed.
Now we'll have to rush if we want to make our reservation.
Ten after seven. Where are they? I angrily think.
Here I go to the trouble of making a reservation and we're probably going to miss it!
Quarter after seven. Well the reservation is gone. Where are they? They didn't have any problems did they? I worry.
Twenty after seven. Where the Aitch-Eee-double hockey sticks are they?!?!?
This is ridiculous! They've kept me waiting twenty minutes already!!
I am ticked!
Twenty five after seven. Okay, this is getting serious. Where are they?
Are they okay? Are they hurt? Lost? Kidnapped?
(Every parent imagines the kidnap possibility. It's a rule.)
Really worried now.
A minute or so later, I see them walking towards the Lego store.
I take several deep breaths.
(Do not kill them. Do not kill them. Think of all the paperwork.
Plus Dee's folks will want to know why I killed her.
Although they might support my decision, they still might be miffed that I didn't consult them first.)
"Hi! You guys have fun shopping?"
"We did! We got some nice shirts and stuff!"
"Okay, you guys hungry?"
They told me they weren't hungry but wanted to shop more.
"Okay. Meet me back here at nine o'clock."
I can't help adding, "Not five after or twenty after. Nine o'clock. Okay?"
"Okay!" They cheerfully reply, unaware of how perilously close to death they have just come.
For the next hour and a half, they shop.
I go for dinner.
I don't really know where I want to eat, but finally decide on Bubba Gump's.
How many of you have seen Forest Gump?
I'm betting most, if not all of you have.
Why not? It's a great movie!
After taking my order, my waiter came back and asked me
if I wanted to play a trivia game to help pass the time.
Sure. Why not.
He asked me a series of questions and believe it or not,
I answered each and every one of them correctly.
Here are the questions, see how many you know.
(answers at the end)
1. What was floating in the sky at the beginning of the movie?
2. Who is the first President Forest meets.
3. How many drinks did Forest have at that meeting? (bonus if you remember what he was drinking)
4. What did Forest tell the President after drinking those drinks?
5. How many presidents did Forest meet? Name them. In order.
6. Why was Lt. Dan yelling when he was on Forest's boat during the storm?
7. What was the name of Forest's first boat?
Here are the answers:
1. A feather
2. JFK
3. Fifteen bottles of Dr. Pepper
4. "I gotta pee."
5. Three. JFK, Johnston, Nixon
6. Because he didn't die in the war like all his ancestors.
7. Jenny
How'd you do?
At nine o'clock I arrived back at the Lego store.
Hooray! The girls were on time!
And they were a little hungry.
"You didn't eat anything? It's nine o'clock!"
"We weren't really hungry then. All we want now is something light."
I suggest a smoothie store which is a couple of flights above us.
They agree.
I don't recall what Elle got (probably something with strawberries),
but I do remember that Dee got something... weird.
I think it had kale... and seaweed... and rutabagas in it.
Or something like that.
<shudder>
We were heading out of the mall towards the car
and I noticed that Dee wasn't really drinking much of her smoothie.
"Don't you like your smoothie?" I asked.
She sadly shook her head.
"There's a Jamba Juice just up ahead, I'll get you another one, okay?"
She perked up and happily nodded her head.
We got to Jamba Juice. Just moments after they closed and locked their doors.
I put my hands together in a prayer like pose,
put on my best sad puppy dog expression and mouthed, "Pleeeeease."
to the clerk who'd just locked the door.
He visibly sighed... then nodded and let us in!
(Probably didn't want to see what other horrible faces I could make.)
I thanked him profusely and Dee asked for a more normal smoothie.
Now I know that they'd probably already cleaned up and cashed out,
so I did feel a little bad for making him do this.
And yes I know, he could have just said no.
He handed Dee her smoothie and said it was on the house.
Probably easier than to open up the till and re-do the cash out.
Nevertheless, I tipped him five bucks and he seemed really surprised and pleased.
I'm glad it seemed to make his day, considering he'd helped us out.
With that, we made our way to the hotel where we spent an uneventful rest of the night.
The next morning, we packed the car for the last time.
Today, we'd be getting back home!
The drive from Minneapolis to the border was mercifully free of suicidal drivers
or mysterious green vans.
Heck, you get to North Dakota and there's nothing there except for a cow or two.
We get to the border and after a short wait, pull up beside the first available agent.
"Where do you all live?"
"Winnipeg."
"Who's with you in the car?"
"My daughter and my daughter's friend."
"Where are you coming from?"
"Niagara Falls."
"Bringing in any firearms, tobacco or alcohol?"
"No. And I am NOT CONSTIPATED!"
He hands back our passports and bids us adieu.
An hour later, I pull up at Dee's house.
I kick her out of the car, dump her suitcase on the driveway and dump the tutus on top.
With barely a glance I slam the car in reverse, lurch back onto the street
and with tires squealing, leave her in my dust.
Okay, maybe I paused long enough to make sure she got in the house okay.
A few minutes later.... We're home!
I don't know what I'm more happy to see, my wife, my youngest daughter...
or my bed!
The End
And that's it!
Now you know the whole sordid tale.
Somehow, I managed to take two teenaged girls on a three thousand mile
road trip and lived to tell the tale.
And I didn't kill them either, although it was a close thing some days.
On both sides.
Would I do it again?
I guess I'm a sucker for punishment, or maybe my love of travel outweighs my common sense.
Either way, the answer is "Yes!"
I might do things differently, but some things I wouldn't change.
Hope you all enjoyed the report.
If you did, tell me! I live for that, ya know.
If you didn't, well, tell me that too.
If I ever write one of these things in the future, I'll know where I went wrong.
Nighty, night.
We last left our fearless crew emotionally and physically exhausted
and in need of a good night's sleep.
I'm happy to say that the girls, despite having slept all the way to Cedar Point,
and fifty percent of them on the ride after Cedar Point,
were still sufficiently tired to go to bed upon arrival at the hotel.
At least I think they were.
For all I know, they were up half the night.
I do know that I passed out right away.
And not even the worst bed in the world was keeping me awake.
I told the girls that we didn't have any plans for the next day,
(other than a six hour drive)
so they could sleep in.
That's something I tried to do for the entire vacation.
When I'd ask them to be up early one day, it was with a promise of sleeping in the next.
Maybe it worked.
The next morning, while they slept, I was up by eight a.m.
Why?
I have no idea.
I did have something I wanted to do, though.
I had Googled and found a Harley dealership only fifteen minutes from our hotel.
So while the girls were snoozin', I was cruisin',
over to the Harley Store.
I wandered around a bit, grabbed a T-shirt I liked and picked up a poker chip.
When I sashayed up to the counter, the girl at the desk asked me if I had any tattoos.
ummmm.... no?
"Oh." Replied counter girl. "Because today's Tattoo Tuesday."
?
Tattoo Tuesday?
"You get a discount if you have any tattoos."
I, being immensely clever, came back with: "What if I have a tattoo but can't show you?"
Nope. I was told that to get the discount, you had to show the tattoo.
I'm sure this has led to some very interesting sales transactions.
I headed back to the hotel with my unfortunately non-discounted purchases to find the girls still sleeping.
I relaxed and eventually they got up at eleven.
About an hour later we were on the road.
Not much happened between Toledo and our next stop.
Madison, WI.
One thing that did happen was of interest to me, but probably not so much to you.
But I'm writing this so too bad!
Just outside of Toledo, we stopped at a 7 Eleven.
What's 7 Eleven known for?
Slurpees!
I think I've mentioned this before, but Winnipeg is the Slurpee capital of the world.
I'm not making this up.
Go ahead and Google it.
We've earned the title for fifteen straight years.
Hey. Our hockey team bites and our football team sucks.
We have to have something!
Anyway, we stop at a 7 Eleven and this is what I see.
That's it? Six dispensers?? That's not a 7 Eleven! That's a disgrace!!!
This is a picture I took from the one closest to my house.
Eighteen flavours! Now that's more like it!
Sheesh.
Let's see... Anything else to report about that drive? No?
Oh, there was an inordinate amount of crappy drivers who seemed to think
that there was some sort of contest on to see who could cut off the most people.
I declined to participate.
I did however notice one truck that made me wonder
if poor driving was the norm and not an aberration on this stretch of highway.
The truck had mismatched mud-flaps behind the rear wheels.
The one on the driver's side said: "Passing Side"
While the other one said: "Suicide"
Harsh. But accurate.
Eventually, probably around six, we made it to Madison without witnessing anyone kill themselves.
Oh, there were plenty of attempts.
Just no successes.
Or would that be failures?
I parked the car and.... da da da daaaahhhh!
Remembered to actually take a picture of the hotel!
Please, keep the applause down to a minimum.
Oh, okay. Go ahead.
I deserve it.
Done?
Okay, here it is.
The good news is, you can take that picture and apply it to every single hotel we stayed at.
They were pretty much carbon copies of this one.
We checked in and... Holy cow! This room is huge!!
Living room.
Kitchen area and bathroom with jacuzzi tub (Woot!)
Girls room.
And where I slept.
Notice the mattress? It's wafer thin! If you can't see it.... squint.
I had noticed a Chinese food place on the drive in and suggested Chinese to the girls.
They were for it, so that's what we did.
You'll have to excuse the photo; I wanted to take a nice pristine food porn pic...
But they fell on the grub like a pack... can you still call it a pack if it's only two?
Like a pair of wild, starving hyenas.
I watched them tear open cartons and pounce on defenseless shrimp and sadly shook my head.
When they retreated, growling and snarling over their kills, I moved in and sadly surveyed the wreckage that was left behind.
I took a picture anyway... and shed a silent tear for what could have been.
After we'd had our fill of.... whatever that stuff was, we suited up and headed out...
to the pool.
Yup. No coasters, no DISmeets, no dancing, no nuttin'!
Okay, maybe "pool" isn't quite right.
I might've dipped into the pool for a couple seconds,
but mostly I just chilled in the hot tub.
Chilled.
Hot tub.
Can too.
Proof we were there...
Aren't they photogenic?
Not like this weirdo.
When we were all sufficiently waterlogged, we went back to the room and relaxed for the rest of the evening.
I told the girls that, once again, they could sleep in.
Plans for tomorrow?
A quick (relatively speaking... only four hours) drive.
Mall of America, take two.
July ninth, once again, I'm up early.
Not stupid early, but early enough.
Darn it! I'm on vacation! Sleep in once in a while, dang it!
<sigh>
Whatever.
I do have something I want to do.
Can you guess?
Why yes, Virginia. There is a Harley store in Madison.
And it's only five minutes away!
I scooted over there, admired the bikes, checked out the shirts
(didn't find one I liked this time),
and picked up a poker chip.
No one asked to see underneath my clothes this time.
I was a little disappointed.
I got back to the hotel and was surprised to see that Dee was already up.
And chowing down on leftover Chinese food.
Chinese food? For breakfast?
Kids these days.
I asked Dee if Elle was up yet.
Her eyes got really big and she asked, "Can I wake her up???"
"Uh.. sure?" I said.
"Can I jump on her????" She asked. She was practically vibrating with excitement.
"Ah," I said, realization dawning on me. "Sure, go ahead."
Dee quietly, yet quickly strode over to the bedroom door.
She slowly, so as not to make any noise, opened the door.
And then LEAPED high into the air, while letting out a guttural squeal and came crashing down on Elle's sleeping form!
Suffice to say, Elle was up now.
I knew it would take the girls a little while to get ready,
so I decided to stay out of their hair and take a walk.
I walked behind the hotel and.... hey! This is really nice back here!
I sashayed around the pond espying dragonflies, minnows and even a turtle.
I saw something else and headed over.
I asked a few quick questions and bustled back to the room.
"Okay, listen up guys." I started.
"We can leave whenever you're ready and head up to the Mall of America...
or, we can go now and go canoeing first and leave a little later.
Whadya say?"
Well the girls were all for it!
Dee said she'd never been canoeing before and was a little hesitant.
I noticed a small gleam in Elle's eyes, but figured it was just excitement.
Wrong.
We packed up our stuff, loaded it all into the car and checked out.
We then marched back around the pond to the canoe rental place I'd seen earlier.
Paper work complete, the girls and I walked down to the water's edge where the canoes were and
they got outfitted with life preservers and paddles.
Well... they won't let you go three to a canoe.
My plan, since Elle had only done it once before, was to take the stern
and do the bulk of the rowing and all of the steering,
while Dee and Elle took turns playing monkey in the middle.
I asked Elle if she was comfortable going out and steering on her own.
She asked for (and I provided) a quick tutorial on how to paddle again.
Then she was all set.
I could be wrong, but I think I saw her rubbing her hands together in anticipation.
Not of paddling, but... oh, you'll see.
Remember, Dee had never done this before, so she was a little hesitant.
We had rented the canoe for an hour, which was plenty of time for the kids to go out and explore the pond.
And for Elle to finally, finally get her revenge on Dee.
The girls set out, Dee in the front, Elle in the rear.
I relaxed in the shade of a convenient tree and watched.
I could feel the stress of the trip oozing out of me.
Ahhhhh.... it was so nice not having high pitched squealing in my ears for a change.
Well, that's not strictly true...
For the next hour, echoing across the pond, all you could hear was:
"Elle! Stop it! Don't do that! You're going to make us fall in! Stop! Don't! Quit rocking it!"
There'd be a brief moment of silence, then the pattern would repeat itself.
Elle told me later, that the quiet periods were when Dee would quietly threaten to "Get out of this boat right now!"
Elle would calmly reply, "Go right ahead."
Elle made sure to keep the canoe away from dry land as much as possible.
When they had had their fill of canoeing...
Correction, Dee had her fill about fourteen seconds after they started.
When Elle had had her fill of canoeing, they came back to shore.
I pulled the canoe onto land so they could get out without getting their shoes wet.
Dee didn't quite kneel down and kiss the ground, but it was a close thing.
She did say, however, that she was never, ever! going in a canoe again.
Elle had this contented look on her face.
Don't know why.
Must've enjoyed the canoeing, I guess.
While I made sure everything was in order with our renters,
the girls ran back to the hotel.
When I found them, they were contentedly munching on cookies and relaxing on the front porch.
We piled in the car and set out for Mall of America.
Short drive gang! Only four hours!
Yeah, I wish.
Two things happened that made the drive a bit more stressful.
One was pretty typical, the other...
Traffic was moving at a good clip when suddenly... it wasn't.
We came to a complete halt.
Accident maybe?
It was the weirdest thing.
For the next twenty miles we would come to a complete halt,
then speed up to the limit (sixty five? I think?) for a few seconds,
then come to a complete halt again.
This repeated over,
and over,
and over again.
We finally got to a construction site where the highway narrowed down to one lane... for about fifty feet.
That was it.
The other thing that happened?
The last thing I want when I'm driving in the States is a speeding ticket.
One of three things can happen (maybe there's more, but three is all I'm aware of).
1. You get pulled over and have to pay the ticket right then and there.
Why? Because as a foreigner, I'm likely to skip town and never pay.
So pay up now, mister.
Frankly, I didn't want to be in a situation where I had to use up all my US cash on a ticket.
2. You get pulled over and are told to pay the ticket at a location that is out of the way.
So not only does it cost money, but precious time as well.
3. You get pulled over and have to pay the ticket at a later date.
Later date? Do you know how long it took me to get down here in the first place?
I don't relish coming back just to pay a ticket, thankyouverymuch.
Don't pay it?
Hey! What a great idea!
Except... Next time I try to cross the border into the States,
my name will come up and some nice folks with wide brimmed hats and pistols will welcome me.
So suffice to say, I was hyper aware of my speed at all times.
Now typically, when I drive I'll drive within five mph or so of the limit.
I'm pretty confident that I'm not going to be ticketed for that.
More than that?
Not so confident.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because of the green van.
The green van was old.
The green van was rusty.
The green van was a pain in the butt!
My car has cruise control.
Most do these days.
So it's pretty normal to be slowly but steadily passed or pass someone.
Sometimes you have to turn it off, but I like to leave it on as much as possible.
During our trek, I slowly passed this green van.
Didn't think much of it at the time, just another in a long list of vehicles I'd passed this trip.
A few minutes later, I noticed that van was now passing me.
I remember thinking that I'd just passed it and maybe the driver upped his cruise,
or, more likely, was pushing a little harder on the pedal.
A few minutes later, I'm passing the green van again.
Whatever.
A few minutes later... you guessed it. He's back.
Now I don't mind if he can't keep a constant speed,
but what I do mind is that whenever he passes me,
he sits beside me for several minutes, matching my speed.
He wasn't doing it deliberately, it's just human nature if you're trucking along,
to match speeds with someone.
But don't do it with the car you're passing!
What would happen is, he would pull up beside me,
match speed with me, which meant I had to turn off my cruise and slow down...
Because I was catching up to the next vehicle in front of me!
So it went like this.
Pass the green van.
The green van pulls up beside me.
I have to slow down.
The green van would slow down to match me again.
I would have to slow down more.
The van would finally pull ahead.
Pass the green van... repeat ad infinitum.
Eventually, I was catching up to a long train of semis.
I looked in my side mirror and... oh no!
It's the green van, with a line of semis behind him!
I knew that if I let him catch up to me again I'd be stuck behind the semis for a long, long time.
There was plenty of space for me to get in front of the green van.
I'd just have to speed up a little so that I didn't cut him off.
It's either that or spend the next long, long while sucking on diesel fumes.
At slow speed.
Nope. Not gonna happen.
I pushed down on the pedal, accelerated to about ten or fifteen mph over the limit...
Changed into the passing lane...
And there, right in front of me, about a quarter mile up the road was a state trooper.
With his radar gun pointed right at me.
Terrific.
I studiously monitor my speed for the whole trip only to speed up once and this happens!
I swept past the cop with fingers crossed and breath held.
Did he clock me? Is he pulling into traffic?
There was lots of traffic in the passing lane (most notably, an old green van)
so it might be a while before he can get out onto the highway.
We round a curve and the cop is out of my sight.
Wait, did I see him pull out just before I lost sight of him?
Is that the car in my rear view mirror?
Luckily, I didn't get a ticket.
Didn't get pulled over.
I suspect that because I accelerated and pulled out right in front of him,
I was too close with too little time to get clocked.
Or maybe he was only checking for speeds more than ten - fifteen over the limit.
Nevertheless, I was nervous and checking my rear-view mirror for the next half hour or so.
I didn't fully relax until we got to the Mall.
At the Mall, the girls wanted to go shopping and I... did not.
I had one thing I wanted to do, but that was it.
I asked them what time they might like to have dinner, arranged a time and location to meet,
and sent them on their merry way.
I ran up to the second floor and headed straight for the Lindt Chocolate shop.
Kay has a sweet tooth and one of the things she loves is Lindt Stracciatella chocolate.
I figured I'd grab her some while I was in the neighbourhood.
Having finished with that (I may have snagged some for myself
) I thought about dinner.We were all meeting at the Lego store at seven p.m.
Hey! (Light bulb goes off over my head... yes it was dim, but it was there!)
How about Benihana?
I've never been, but I've heard it's fun! And there's one in the mall!
I go up another flight and walk in to the restaurant.
Can I make a reservation for seven fifteen? For three people? I can? Great!
Reservation done, shopping done, I now want just one thing.
To do nothing!
I just want to find a quiet little spot, sit down and read a book.
I head back to the car, drop off the chocolates (well, Kay's portion)
and grab my book.
Now to find someplace quiet.
I don't want to sit in the car and read, though I consider it.
Nah. I've spent enough time in that seat already.
Someplace in the mall?
Hmmm.... The mall's pretty busy... and noisy.
Wait.
The fourth floor might not be too bad.
So here's the plan.
I'll head up to the fourth floor, if I can't find a quiet nook someplace, I'll retreat to the car.
I head back into the mall and am pleased to see
that I am the only patron who is going all the way to the top floor.
Reaching the fourth floor, I look around.
To my left it looks busy. Plus that's where the movie theaters are.
Probably noisy.
To my right looks more promising.
The hallway in this direction seems to be fairly deserted and then does a dog leg to the right.
There's a sign set in the middle of the hallway.
"Emergency exit only. No exit to parkade."
I peak around the corner.
Not a soul in sight! Perfect.
I'm not going to exit, so I'm not breaking any rules by sitting here.
I wander down the deserted hall and notice a door on my left.
It's a strange door.
It's elevated off the floor by at least a foot, forming a natural bench.
Perfect!
I've found my reading nook.
I settle myself in and blissfully relax and read.
Ahhhh.....
Time? Plenty of time before seven.
<sigh>
Boy this is the most relaxing time I've had this trip!
This is the life.
Not a care in the world.
..................
Whoops! Someone's just come around the corner.
Oh, darn, I hope whoever it is doesn't bother me, I'm quite comfortable here.
It's not someone. It's someones. Three someones.
And not just any someones.
Police.
Not mall security.
Police.
With big guns.
I try to look like I don't see them but I watch them out of the corner of my eye.
Probably a routine patrol.
Although, not sure why the cops patrol the mall... maybe it's part of their beat?
Maybe they get to go through the Do Not Exit exit.
I stopped wondering and started getting alarmed when they stopped and surrounded me.
uh, oh.
What was passing through my mind right now was
"What are the girls going to do when I don't show up at seven? Or ever?
Who do I call to bail me out of jail?"
Oh, and "Oh, CRAP!!!"
One of the cops addresses me
while the other two stand oh so nonchalantly with their hands resting on their gun butts.
"Sir? May I ask what you're doing here?"
"Um. Reading a book.
My daughter and her friend are shopping and I'm just passing the time while I wait for them."
Even to me it sounds made up.
Good grief! Who'd buy that story!
I'm obviously a terrorist!
Take him down, boys!
"Sir, so you're just reading?"
He says "sir" in a way that suggests he's using it but really hoping for an excuse to shoot me.
"Yes, that's right. Am I not allowed here?
The sign only said no exit and I'm not exiting. I'm reading." I finish lamely.
"Well, the area's not restricted, but it is sort of off limits."
"Oh!" Says I, says I in my most un-terrorist-like voice. "No problem! I'll just go read somewhere else!"
"Thanks, sir. We'd appreciate that."
He now says "sir" like he's disappointed that he won't get to shoot me... yet.
I got up and walked back the way I had come, earlier.
I did not sashay.
I instead concentrated on trying not to run.
When I was out of eyesight (and gun sight) I breathed a sigh of relief.
Defeated, I retreated to my car.
Oddly enough, I had trouble concentrating and didn't get much reading done.
At a quarter to seven, I re-enter the mall and make my way over to the Lego store.
I am a wanted fugitive, but they'll never take me alive!!!
I'm a bit early, but you never know, the girls might already be waiting.
Besides, if they are early, then we don't have to rush up to Benihana for our reservation.
At five to seven there's still no sign of the girls.
At seven I'm starting to look around for them.
You know the stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance?
There are stages of parenting with a late child.
Annoyance, Anger, Worry, more Anger, Really Worried.
At five after seven, I was annoyed.
Now we'll have to rush if we want to make our reservation.
Ten after seven. Where are they? I angrily think.
Here I go to the trouble of making a reservation and we're probably going to miss it!
Quarter after seven. Well the reservation is gone. Where are they? They didn't have any problems did they? I worry.
Twenty after seven. Where the Aitch-Eee-double hockey sticks are they?!?!?
This is ridiculous! They've kept me waiting twenty minutes already!!
I am ticked!
Twenty five after seven. Okay, this is getting serious. Where are they?
Are they okay? Are they hurt? Lost? Kidnapped?
(Every parent imagines the kidnap possibility. It's a rule.)
Really worried now.
A minute or so later, I see them walking towards the Lego store.
I take several deep breaths.
(Do not kill them. Do not kill them. Think of all the paperwork.
Plus Dee's folks will want to know why I killed her.
Although they might support my decision, they still might be miffed that I didn't consult them first.)
"Hi! You guys have fun shopping?"
"We did! We got some nice shirts and stuff!"
"Okay, you guys hungry?"
They told me they weren't hungry but wanted to shop more.
"Okay. Meet me back here at nine o'clock."
I can't help adding, "Not five after or twenty after. Nine o'clock. Okay?"
"Okay!" They cheerfully reply, unaware of how perilously close to death they have just come.
For the next hour and a half, they shop.
I go for dinner.
I don't really know where I want to eat, but finally decide on Bubba Gump's.
How many of you have seen Forest Gump?
I'm betting most, if not all of you have.
Why not? It's a great movie!
After taking my order, my waiter came back and asked me
if I wanted to play a trivia game to help pass the time.
Sure. Why not.
He asked me a series of questions and believe it or not,
I answered each and every one of them correctly.
Here are the questions, see how many you know.
(answers at the end)
1. What was floating in the sky at the beginning of the movie?
2. Who is the first President Forest meets.
3. How many drinks did Forest have at that meeting? (bonus if you remember what he was drinking)
4. What did Forest tell the President after drinking those drinks?
5. How many presidents did Forest meet? Name them. In order.
6. Why was Lt. Dan yelling when he was on Forest's boat during the storm?
7. What was the name of Forest's first boat?
Here are the answers:
1. A feather
2. JFK
3. Fifteen bottles of Dr. Pepper
4. "I gotta pee."
5. Three. JFK, Johnston, Nixon
6. Because he didn't die in the war like all his ancestors.
7. Jenny
How'd you do?
At nine o'clock I arrived back at the Lego store.
Hooray! The girls were on time!
And they were a little hungry.
"You didn't eat anything? It's nine o'clock!"
"We weren't really hungry then. All we want now is something light."
I suggest a smoothie store which is a couple of flights above us.
They agree.
I don't recall what Elle got (probably something with strawberries),
but I do remember that Dee got something... weird.
I think it had kale... and seaweed... and rutabagas in it.
Or something like that.
<shudder>
We were heading out of the mall towards the car
and I noticed that Dee wasn't really drinking much of her smoothie.
"Don't you like your smoothie?" I asked.
She sadly shook her head.
"There's a Jamba Juice just up ahead, I'll get you another one, okay?"
She perked up and happily nodded her head.
We got to Jamba Juice. Just moments after they closed and locked their doors.
I put my hands together in a prayer like pose,
put on my best sad puppy dog expression and mouthed, "Pleeeeease."
to the clerk who'd just locked the door.
He visibly sighed... then nodded and let us in!
(Probably didn't want to see what other horrible faces I could make.)
I thanked him profusely and Dee asked for a more normal smoothie.
Now I know that they'd probably already cleaned up and cashed out,
so I did feel a little bad for making him do this.
And yes I know, he could have just said no.
He handed Dee her smoothie and said it was on the house.
Probably easier than to open up the till and re-do the cash out.
Nevertheless, I tipped him five bucks and he seemed really surprised and pleased.
I'm glad it seemed to make his day, considering he'd helped us out.
With that, we made our way to the hotel where we spent an uneventful rest of the night.
The next morning, we packed the car for the last time.
Today, we'd be getting back home!
The drive from Minneapolis to the border was mercifully free of suicidal drivers
or mysterious green vans.
Heck, you get to North Dakota and there's nothing there except for a cow or two.
We get to the border and after a short wait, pull up beside the first available agent.
"Where do you all live?"
"Winnipeg."
"Who's with you in the car?"
"My daughter and my daughter's friend."
"Where are you coming from?"
"Niagara Falls."
"Bringing in any firearms, tobacco or alcohol?"
"No. And I am NOT CONSTIPATED!"
He hands back our passports and bids us adieu.
An hour later, I pull up at Dee's house.
I kick her out of the car, dump her suitcase on the driveway and dump the tutus on top.
With barely a glance I slam the car in reverse, lurch back onto the street
and with tires squealing, leave her in my dust.
Okay, maybe I paused long enough to make sure she got in the house okay.
A few minutes later.... We're home!
I don't know what I'm more happy to see, my wife, my youngest daughter...
or my bed!
The End
And that's it!
Now you know the whole sordid tale.
Somehow, I managed to take two teenaged girls on a three thousand mile
road trip and lived to tell the tale.
And I didn't kill them either, although it was a close thing some days.
On both sides.
Would I do it again?
I guess I'm a sucker for punishment, or maybe my love of travel outweighs my common sense.
Either way, the answer is "Yes!"
I might do things differently, but some things I wouldn't change.
Hope you all enjoyed the report.
If you did, tell me! I live for that, ya know.
If you didn't, well, tell me that too.
If I ever write one of these things in the future, I'll know where I went wrong.
Nighty, night.
GGGAHHH!!!!!!!you are ALIVE!!! I miss you I love you! what is WRONG with you??!!!I hug my kid fiercly,almost choking the breath out of her. ... vas loss mit du???!!!!! ( myhands around my kids throat) my hands now actually choking the breath out of her.
Yeah, that's about it! It was a near thing, I tell you.
Like Nebo's, I've enjoyed all your reports. I'm a loyal follower just a terrible contributor
. I wish the Disboards had a "like" button like Facebook, cause I would use that all the time 
I guess), I've seen you here and there on the DIS...
