Teenage Bullying-What do we do?

[luvsJack]

As the mom of a 16yo girl who was bullied at a small, private christian school, this upsets me so badly. Her bullying went on for several years and it took its toll. I watched her go from happy go lucky to very sad and withdrawn.

I have very strong feeling about bullies and how people handle it but I'm going to keep it to myself.
I have a friend whose son hung himself at 19 after being bullied by students and a teacher even ( ) and so my feelings are pretty raw and real.

So, so sad. And so sad and maddening that it is still allowed to happen.

 

[Tomader]

How sad when I read the article about this girl's death. How she came here for a good life and people were allowed to take it away. You can spin it anyway you want but in the end it was these kids that killed her.

 

[Disney Ella]

Being bullied every day in a place you can't get away from can certainly make someone emotionally fragile. I'm a fairly strong, happy adult, but if I had to face this every day, I might start to doubt myself too, who knows? I'm sure some people are stronger than me and would handle it better, but that's human nature - we're all different. I sure hope that High school is not survival of the fittest .

Exactly. If you are an adult and in a bad situation at work, you can find another job and get away, but kids are forced to go to school. Sure, reinforcing self-esteem at home and enrolling the kids in outside activities is nice, but if bullying is occurring, the only real way to help the child is to STOP the bully. Not come up with excuses why it can't be stopped or blame the victim who did nothing at all, but STOP it. It doesn't matter if someone is shy, socially awkward, different, etc., that is no reason to bully someone and I don't understand why THEY should be the ones to change. It's almost impossible to change your personality, but it isn't impossible to stop bullying if you really want to. Suspend, expel, arrest, if it comes to that, but make schools a safe place for kids.

 

[skater]

As the mom of a 16yo girl who was bullied at a small, private christian school, this upsets me so badly. Her bullying went on for several years and it took its toll. I watched her go from happy go lucky to very sad and withdrawn.

I have very strong feeling about bullies and how people handle it but I'm going to keep it to myself.
I have a friend whose son hung himself at 19 after being bullied by students and a teacher even ( ) and so my feelings are pretty raw and real.

I think your story about your DD illustrates my feelings about this. Some kids are somewhat fragile as teens, but under normal circumstances willl grow up and be normal, happy, strong adults. I've seen a girl go from Middle school as a strong self-assured child to high school and struggle with "mean" kids. I don't think anyone should assume that it can't happen to your child because he/she has great self-esteem or that you're a great listener. Aren't all teens fragile to a certain extent? I look at teens and see tender and vulnerable young adults that need positive social interactions. I remember going to school feeling great about myself and one important boy (to me) made a commment about my "poorly applied makeup." It devastated me and took a while to get over. It certainly didn't make me want to kill myself, but constant bullying day in and day out? Who knows?

Yes, kids need to be taught that self-esteem comes from within and it won't matter after high school, but kids are notorious for not being able to see ahead. And it doesn't always matter how great their parents are - it helps, but sometimes its the make-up of the child as well as the luck of who likes or dislikes them.

It is a shame that mean spirited kids can mess up otherwise fine children in this manner. Most likely, your DD would have been fine with a different group of peers. This is one reason that some people choose to homeschool. I've watched a lot of homeschooled kids grow up. With the exception of a few messed up families, they're all strong, self-assured kids with bright futures. They were able to spend their growing up and getting strong years with friends who like them and want the best for them. By the time they're ready to face the real world, they're ready for anything.

 

[luvsJack]

Exactly. If you are an adult and in a bad situation at work, you can find another job and get away, but kids are forced to go to school. Sure, reinforcing self-esteem at home and enrolling the kids in outside activities is nice, but if bullying is occurring, the only real way to help the child is to STOP the bully. Not come up with excuses why it can't be stopped or blame the victim who did nothing at all, but STOP it. It doesn't matter if someone is shy, socially awkward, different, etc., that is no reason to bully someone and I don't understand why THEY should be the ones to change. It's almost impossible to change your personality, but it isn't impossible to stop bullying if you really want to. Suspend, expel, arrest, if it comes to that, but make schools a safe place for kids.

ITA. It has to be stopped.

 

[FergieTCat]

Exactly. If you are an adult and in a bad situation at work, you can find another job and get away, but kids are forced to go to school. Sure, reinforcing self-esteem at home and enrolling the kids in outside activities is nice, but if bullying is occurring, the only real way to help the child is to STOP the bully. Not come up with excuses why it can't be stopped or blame the victim who did nothing at all, but STOP it. It doesn't matter if someone is shy, socially awkward, different, etc., that is no reason to bully someone and I don't understand why THEY should be the ones to change. It's almost impossible to change your personality, but it isn't impossible to stop bullying if you really want to. Suspend, expel, arrest, if it comes to that, but make schools a safe place for kids.

My sentiments exactly.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think your story about your DD illustrates my feelings about this. Some kids are somewhat fragile as teens, but under normal circumstances willl grow up and be normal, happy, strong adults. I've seen a girl go from Middle school as a strong self-assured child to high school and struggle with "mean" kids. I don't think anyone should assume that it can't happen to your child because he/she has great self-esteem or that you're a great listener. Aren't all teens fragile to a certain extent? I look at teens and see tender and vulnerable young adults that need positive social interactions. I remember going to school feeling great about myself and one important boy (to me) made a commment about my "poorly applied makeup." It devastated me and took a while to get over. It certainly didn't make me want to kill myself, but constant bullying day in and day out? Who knows?

Yes, kids need to be taught that self-esteem comes from within and it won't matter after high school, but kids are notorious for not being able to see ahead. And it doesn't always matter how great their parents are - it helps, but sometimes its the make-up of the child as well as the luck of who likes or dislikes them.

It is a shame that mean spirited kids can mess up otherwise fine children in this manner. Most likely, your DD would have been fine with a different group of peers. This is one reason that some people choose to homeschool. I've watched a lot of homeschooled kids grow up. With the exception of a few messed up families, they're all strong, self-assured kids with bright futures. They were able to spend their growing up and getting strong years with friends who like them and want the best for them. By the time they're ready to face the real world, they're ready for anything.

Thanks.

And yes, we chose to homeschool. This all came to a head in 8th grade. She is now completing 10th grade. I have my daughter back. So far, so good.

My daughter was "most valuable" on her basketball team, she was possibly the smartest kid in her class, she was outgoing and pretty even, yet, kind enough to not fight back. These girls (about 5 or 6 of them in a class of about 10 or 11 girls) were almost all teammates, were sneaky and said they were christians. All but one's parent's would have never believed it of their girls but since we confronted one's parents in 7th grade, we knew he wasn't even shocked his dd was participating in all this.

It happens to all kinds of kids. Even kids in the "in" groups. The "in" kids are never really "in", they are always just one step from being kicked out. I think that is what makes it so "cut-throat".

My dd is college bound and wants to be a doctor someday. Who knows? She might just do it and when one of these bullies falls and breaks a hip, they'd better hope she is more forgiving than I.

Seriously though, bullying is a huge problem in our society and we need to get some control of it and make it stop. We used to watch all the MOnk episodes and I remember the one where e'd been bullied in school. The tension in my LR that night was thick--it just brings back so much pain and heartache.

 

[themilesfamily]

Just another story of bullying here:

I went to grade school with a boy who was in a wheelchair, although he could walk short distances with braces. He had a condition that made his bones fragile, (he wore a helmet to protect his skull,) and he had some problem controlling his muscles. But he was also extremely intelligent and was always in the top classes, honor classes, etc.

I moved away in the 8th grade -- but recently came across his adult blog -- we're in our 40's now. He talked about being bullied so badly that he would come home from school everyday and think about how he could end his life.

What's so gross about this is the fact that bullies pick on the weakest in society. They torment those who are different or new or vulnerable. There is something so sick and sadistic about that.

I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but I think it bears repeating. 60% of boys identified as bullies by grades 6-9 have one criminal conviction by the time they're 24. 40% have three or more convinctions by the time they are 24. The bullies of today are the criminals of tomorrow.

 

[jodifla]

Then I really don't buy that the bullying by itself is what caused this girl to commit suicide.



I wasn't talking about Phoebe visiting her cousins. I was talking about kids in general since womeone asked what we would do to stop teenage bullying.

That's a very sad article in Boston.com, but it is only an article. The "mean girls" are innocent until proven guilty.

I'm surprised that anyone beyond the "mean girls" parents can rush to their defense, and come up with implausible reason after implausible reason why it's the victim's fault or her parents' fault.

The NY Times story has a lot of detail...the fact that there are multiple witnesses, both kids and adults, vicious text messages, Internet harassment....it's hard to see how these 9 are going to come up with a credible defense.

 

[aristocatz]

I'm surprised that anyone beyond the "mean girls" parents can rush to their defense, and come up with implausible reason after implausible reason why it's the victim's fault or her parents' fault.

The NY Times story has a lot of detail...the fact that there are multiple witnesses, both kids and adults, vicious text messages, Internet harassment....it's hard to see how these 9 are going to come up with a credible defense.

I agree....especially since these idiot girls continued to bash Phoebe AFTER she died, by slamming her on a memorial webpage that was set up for her. Police have their user names linked to their computers.....unfortunately, I don't think there are any laws currently to address "cyberbullying." It's true that there were multiple witnesses at school though.

Apparently, it was common knowledge that she was being bullied by both staff and students. This is why I hope to God that these teachers get penalized as well. It was happening ON school property & I strongly believe that actions occurring on school property are at the responsibility of the school to manage, stop, and punish. The teachers who witnessed it (and a few have already come out and admitted that they did) should have reported it to administration. Administration should have punished these bullies to the extent that would make them leave poor Phoebe alone. The bullies were mostly sports stars-punish them by notifying their parents, suspending them, making them miss school sporting events. This would have been incentive to back off. But, by doing nothing, all they did was enable these bullies and teach them to think that they have power in that school to say, do, and hurt whomever they choose. Makes me sick to my stomach

 

[jodifla]

I agree....especially since these idiot girls continued to bash Phoebe AFTER she died, by slamming her on a memorial webpage that was set up for her. Police have their user names linked to their computers.....unfortunately, I don't think there are any laws currently to address "cyberbullying." It's true that there were multiple witnesses at school though.

Apparently, it was common knowledge that she was being bullied by both staff and students. This is why I hope to God that these teachers get penalized as well. It was happening ON school property & I strongly believe that actions occurring on school property are at the responsibility of the school to manage, stop, and punish. The teachers who witnessed it (and a few have already come out and admitted that they did) should have reported it to administration. Administration should have punished these bullies to the extent that would make them leave poor Phoebe alone. The bullies were mostly sports stars-punish them by notifying their parents, suspending them, making them miss school sporting events. This would have been incentive to back off. But, by doing nothing, all they did was enable these bullies and teach them to think that they have power in that school to say, do, and hurt whomever they choose. Makes me sick to my stomach

It's interesting and sad to me that many of today's teens are so self-absorbed and stupid that they can't fathom they are basically publicizing their own crimes and providing vast amounts of evidence that points directly at them from text messages and Internet sites.

 

[aristocatz]

It's interesting and sad to me that many of today's teens are so self-absorbed and stupid that they can't fathom they are basically publicizing their own crimes and providing vast amounts of evidence that points directly at them from text messages and Internet sites.

I agree Well, better they are getting stupider for the victim's sake.

Looks like Phoebe's parents hired a lawyer, thank goodness:

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/re...awsuit_against_school_would_break_new_ground/

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Bullies are cowards. They are weak and have low self esteem therefore they pick on others to make them feel better and make them feel like they have some kind of power over others. At least that's what I believe. I also agree that it needs to end, NOW!

Just this week, a friend of mine called me in a panic because her son was on a "hit list" from school. He is in the 6th grade, and my middle child goes to the same school. When asking her about it, she said that the school was not going to do anything to the girl who wrote that she wanted to kill this boy and a few others because they pick on her. In other cases like this the kids have been expelled. The girl told the principle that he, my friends son, had said "Do you want to be my best friend?", and he poked her. Now, I am sure that there is more to it, but this is what my friend said. She was livid because the girl was still in school. I wonder how the girls parents feel? I have no idea what the other kids did.

You want to know my take? If the school is not going to do anything, they must have a reason in this case. They did give her one day of counseling. This is a smart little girl in the gifted class who some or most consider to be a nerd. She does not fit in with many of the kids, which would be hard for her. To me, she is being bullied, even if these kids don't see it as that. It's still mean. Just leave the girl ALONE!

I didn't really get into it with my friend other than to tell her to have her son stay away from the girl & to leave her alone. One, so that nothing would happen to him & two, to leave the girl alone. My friend does not see it as her son was being a bully, but he was. Anytime you make fun of or pick on a child, or say things that YOU KNOW are going to hurt that child, you are being a bully. I HATE IT!

I honestly wish that they would hold parents responsible for some of this too. The school should notify the parents and let them know what is going on. Give them a warning or something to get the child under control. If it happens again, the school or parents of bullied child should press charges or kick them OUT of the school or what ever it takes. I would kick some you know what if I got a call from the school about one of mine doing this. I can promise you that.

I am so sick of parents who think they are raising little angels, who are really raising the opposite.

I guess I should add that my friends son is normally a nice kid and not known as a bully, but this is how it gets started. Stop it before it gets out of control.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

These kids should be tried as adults. I'm not sure what the case would be... but... there has to be SOME way that this is illegal.

 

[PaulaSB12]

The family trying to build self esteem can only do so much. When you have a child being physically and mentally bullied at school by other pupils. When you have a head teacher telling the pupil they are so worthless they don't even deserve to live you have no chance of stopping it. I still wish my parents would have just got me out of that school but I had 3 years of it.

 

[twinklebug]

Just found this thread... When kids are turning to the adults for help - the problem has usually gone way too far. Teens try so hard to be grown up and handle problems themselves and not get adults involved. With bullies, however, trying to stop them on your own can cause it to get worse.

Bulling has been a huge problem in our local schools (suburban, regional, over 2,000 kids in the HS alone). The school system claims they're doing everything they can to stop it. My 16yo DD learned the hard way back in middle school that kids have to stand up for each other to tell the bullies to stop. She has no problem with vocalizing her concerns when she sees bullies picking on kids and telling them to "Just quit it. It's not cool." Today she went to her favorite teacher and asked if they could get an after school group started so kids could have a place of peers to turn to when they're being overwhelmed by bullying and just to get together to talk about issues. Her idea is to encourage others to stand up for those being bullied even if they aren't friends to start with. Although a teacher will need to be involved to assist, it's all about students helping students. She is aware that if something severe crops up the adults and police would have to be involved, but the idea is to stop it before it goes that far.

I don't know if her idea will work. Kids might be afraid to join such a group & show weakness. Then again, the response might be good and is worth trying.

I'll do everything I can to help her, but wondering if any other schools have started such groups and how they worked out.