Teen stuff.. LONG!!!

[staley7580]

Okay.. we have my husbands little sister living with us. She is 17 and a junior in high school. She is from Germany, and has lived their her whole life. She sent me a message last year via Facebook that she would like to live in the states for a bit.. Try out our schools.. Get her drivers license here. Just have the American experience for a while. She has dual citizenship. Of course we said yes right away.

She came to us in August, and her mom (my husbands stepmother) came with her to get her settled for 3 weeks. Her mom is amazing. Great lady, we loved having her here.. My older daughter cried the whole way home from the airport when we dropped her off! My sis-in-law is a GREAT kid. She has gone from a home where she was basically on her own most of the time.. Her mom works full time, and their parents are split up... To a house with four little kids, and I am a SAHM. So from total quiet, to total chaos! She has handled it amazingly well. She gives us almost no trouble, very teeny amounts of normal teen sass. I love her to bits, as does the rest of the family. She has incorporated very well into our family.

Now.. Why am I writing this? Our issues are her grades! My oldest is in the third grade, and is an amazing student. Testing into highly capable gifted program loves school... and.. well.. He is in the third grade. I have no idea how to handle a teenager! I didnt get eased into things as she got older.. You know what I mean? Suddenly.. I am the mother of a teen girl! She was doing great first quarter.. but then her semester she failed CHemistry.. Okay. Whats the problem? We make her buckle down.. she studies more.. Her mom talked to her, we talked to her.. Voiced our disappointment.. Okay, FINE.

Next quarter grades come out, she failed english and social studies, with a D in Chemistry, and a no credit in pre-cal. I was MAD. Her mom was LIVID. Coming here and continuing school was HER choice. SHe had graduated out of her German school. Her mom is sending a butt load of money to us each month to keep her here, not to mention flying her back and forth during the summer and whatnot. So we took away her computer, and gave her a solid bedtime, she has to study, and I have been in contact with the teachers. She has pulled up her ENglish and social studies to a C, math is going well.. I THINK I am asking the right questions.. Are you turning in your work? Can we help you with anything?? DO you have homework? Things are going well, we give her more freedoms.. Then BAM. Her Chemistry teacher called me this morning. SHe is missing 9 assignments. 9. Seriously? WHat the heck?

Now I am at a loss. Im so mad, I feel like she is doing this to me.. on purpose. I KNOW that is not the case. She really is a great kid otherwise. She is at school right now, but knows what she is coming home to, because I sent her a text to get the work before she comes home. I honestly dont know what to do. She wants to be here with us. She loves us, and loves living with us.. But the stipulation of her living here, is that she graduate, and keeps her grades up. So before I loose my mind at her, what do I say? If she wants to come back next year... fix this? She has gotten that threat from her mom, maybe it will sink in more from us? I just dont want her to think we dont want her, because we do. She has become one of my kids, you know?

I know in the grand scheme of things, failing CHemistry isnt that big of a deal.. But this is her choice to be with us, and these are the rules of being here. I dont want to overstep my bounds here, she isnt my daughter, but she does live in my house. My husband is about as clueless with a teen girl as can be. He isnt much help! He talks to her like she is a grown man, and just doesnt get that she isnt one! So those of you with teens.. what would YOU DO? and thank you for reading my novel!

 

[tlbwriter]

I'd tell her that if the experiment isn't working out, she needs to go home. Actually, her mother should tell her that.

 

[rie'smom]

She is breaking the rules, so she can't stay with you. If she was doing her best, that would be a different story. Missing 9 assignments is not doing her best. Show her that you will stick to your rules otherwise, you might as well tell her to do whatever she wants to do.

 

[EdiePA]

Okay, I may be coming from left field here, but it jumped out at me -- I'm assuming English is her second language. Is she having trouble with translating? Chemistry has technical terms that she may not know.

From everything you said, this doesn't sound like it's "on purpose", but like something else is going on.

Edie

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

Okay, I may be coming from left field here, but it jumped out at me -- I'm assuming English is her second language. Is she having trouble with translating? Chemistry has technical terms that she may not know.

From everything you said, this doesn't sound like it's "on purpose", but like something else is going on.

Edie

This was my first thought also. Is her English more conversational and maybe some things just aren't translating? What reasons does she give to why she's not doing her assignments?

 

[DisneyScraps]

I would be proactive with it. See if the teachers will email you each Friday with a status report. Make it plain to her, miss assignments, you can be grounded for the weekend.

Every few weeks see how her grades are. Fall below a certain grade then she can spend each night studying.

She can also enjoy American Summer School in the subjects she is failing.

take away all privileges if you have to. Education is of the utmost importance. Much more important than "the American experience"

 

[staley7580]

Okay, I may be coming from left field here, but it jumped out at me -- I'm assuming English is her second language. Is she having trouble with translating? Chemistry has technical terms that she may not know.

From everything you said, this doesn't sound like it's "on purpose", but like something else is going on.

Edie

It is her second language.. and big concern we had with her coming here. Her dad is American, mom is German.. she has always gone to German school.. She was in American Girl Scouts all growing up. She is completely fluent in English. Doesnt understand our slang.. well, now she does! But at first we had to explain it to her. Honestly, we didnt expect much from her school-wise.. But she did SO WELL the first part of the year. All her teachers know she went to German school, her math teacher even went and found all the German to English translations on math terms. She doesnt even have an accent any more. Unless she is upset.

I keep thinking the issues are of the male variety.. If you know what I mean. She is gorgeous, and all German and exotic.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Which school track was she one in Germany? You say she had finished is I would guess NOT the Gymnasium track (which is college prep) which it is rare to finish before 18 (and often 19).
Jumping from the mid level track into high school Chemistry, etc in a second language could be tricky.
Or, at her age, knowing that most of her classmates have already started working and earning a paycheck she may be regretting the decision to stay in school at this point, but afraid to say so (especially if she wants to stay in the US and sees that as tied to her being in school).

It sounds like most of the issues are with missing assignments. Our experience in Germany is that there are VERY few assignments to be turned in. Grades are based almost solely on a handful of big exams. Perhaps she is just having a very hard time getting used to our very different system and to having to be organized and get "busy work" done and turned in. She could be missing hearing what the assignments are at times as well (DS missed hearing what to study a lot the first few months we were here--often that got tossed out at the end of class just as everyone was packing up books, etc and it was hard to hear over the other chaos when you are not as good in the language). Maybe you could try to not make it a punishment thing, but just work WITH her to help her learn how to organize this type of school. Sit with her every night and look over the assignments. Help her figure out what should be completed and how. Encourage her to call or text classmates to find out for sure what homework there is. Etc.

 

[staley7580]

This was my first thought also. Is her English more conversational and maybe some things just aren't translating? What reasons does she give to why she's not doing her assignments?

SHe told me she was doing them.. I havent gotten the latest excuse since she is still at school. She knows if she doesnt get it, come to us!

I would be proactive with it. See if the teachers will email you each Friday with a status report. Make it plain to her, miss assignments, you can be grounded for the weekend.

Every few weeks see how her grades are. Fall below a certain grade then she can spend each night studying.

She can also enjoy American Summer School in the subjects she is failing.

take away all privileges if you have to. Education is of the utmost importance. Much more important than "the American experience"

I on it. Im going to talk with her tonight, and email all her teachers first thing in the morning. She cant do sumer school because she is going home for the summer.. and if she GETS to come back, she might well be enjoying some wonderful American night school! AND Im pretty sure I just got me a new laptop.

Oh yes.. the smack is coming down at the Staley house tonight.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is her second language.. and big concern we had with her coming here. Her dad is American, mom is German.. she has always gone to German school.. She was in American Girl Scouts all growing up. She is completely fluent in English. Doesnt understand our slang.. well, now she does! But at first we had to explain it to her. Honestly, we didnt expect much from her school-wise.. But she did SO WELL the first part of the year. All her teachers know she went to German school, her math teacher even went and found all the German to English translations on math terms. She doesnt even have an accent any more. Unless she is upset.

I keep thinking the issues are of the male variety.. If you know what I mean. She is gorgeous, and all German and exotic.

First, not turning in work and then keeping it from you is breaking the "contract" so to speak.

Get with the stepmom and ask what does she want to do. I suppose I would have the stepmom be the heavy here. I do not see the point in forcing her to learn in this situation.

Is she going to summer school to make this up?

I would write up a "contract" and then have her sign it. Explain the terms of living here on paper. Obviously run it by her mother first.

Come to an agreement and then follow through.

 

[phorsenuf]

You mentioned she was done with school in Germany. Done as in graduated with a diploma done? If so then maybe she feels grades just don't matter since she's 'done' with school. School for her now is just a social outlet.

 

[graygables]

Which school track was she one in Germany? You say she had finished is I would guess NOT the Gymnasium track (which is college prep) which it is rare to finish before 18 (and often 19).
Jumping from the mid level track into high school Chemistry, etc in a second language could be tricky.
Or, at her age, knowing that most of her classmates have already started working and earning a paycheck she may be regretting the decision to stay in school at this point, but afraid to say so (especially if she wants to stay in the US and sees that as tied to her being in school).

It sounds like most of the issues are with missing assignments. Our experience in Germany is that there are VERY few assignments to be turned in. Grades are based almost solely on a handful of big exams. Perhaps she is just having a very hard time getting used to our very different system and to having to be organized and get "busy work" done and turned in. She could be missing hearing what the assignments are at times as well (DS missed hearing what to study a lot the first few months we were here--often that got tossed out at the end of class just as everyone was packing up books, etc and it was hard to hear over the other chaos when you are not as good in the language). Maybe you could try to not make it a punishment thing, but just work WITH her to help her learn how to organize this type of school. Sit with her every night and look over the assignments. Help her figure out what should be completed and how. Encourage her to call or text classmates to find out for sure what homework there is. Etc.

Yeah, all of that (I grew up in Heidelberg, btw!) Also, since she finished school in Germany, she may be feeling that this is a bit of a step backwards. It sounds like she wanted an American "experience", not getting slammed with all kinds of classes that she may not have been prepared for. Is there a reason she is being pressured with things like chemistry rather than taking some easier courses?

 

[luvsJack]

This doesn't sound like something that punishment is going to work for. Try working with her and with her teachers to figure out the best way for her. There is more than just language differences between American and German schools.

 

[staley7580]

Which school track was she one in Germany? You say she had finished is I would guess NOT the Gymnasium track (which is college prep) which it is rare to finish before 18 (and often 19).
Jumping from the mid level track into high school Chemistry, etc in a second language could be tricky.
Or, at her age, knowing that most of her classmates have already started working and earning a paycheck she may be regretting the decision to stay in school at this point, but afraid to say so (especially if she wants to stay in the US and sees that as tied to her being in school).

It sounds like most of the issues are with missing assignments. Our experience in Germany is that there are VERY few assignments to be turned in. Grades are based almost solely on a handful of big exams. Perhaps she is just having a very hard time getting used to our very different system and to having to be organized and get "busy work" done and turned in. She could be missing hearing what the assignments are at times as well (DS missed hearing what to study a lot the first few months we were here--often that got tossed out at the end of class just as everyone was packing up books, etc and it was hard to hear over the other chaos when you are not as good in the language). Maybe you could try to not make it a punishment thing, but just work WITH her to help her learn how to organize this type of school. Sit with her every night and look over the assignments. Help her figure out what should be completed and how. Encourage her to call or text classmates to find out for sure what homework there is. Etc.

THANK YOU! No, she was in the middle school. I forget the name. Im glad you told me all this, because honestly.. I was like.. How do you NOT know what grades you are getting on this stuff? But its making more sense to me after reading this. I dont know much about her old school.. except she graduated out with the equivalent of a GED.

Okay. I knew this was the right place to come. Thank you all. Big talk, email teachers, set out studying plan. I telling you.. I would rather deal with my tomato throwing two year old twins then this teen stuff. I just never know where my bounderies are.. or how strict I should be?? Am I too soft?

 

[staley7580]

You mentioned she was done with school in Germany. Done as in graduated with a diploma done? If so then maybe she feels grades just don't matter since she's 'done' with school. School for her now is just a social outlet.

Yep. Done. She has the equivalent of an American GED. Thats kinda what IM feeling like. I told my husband that if she would have come to us with that in the first place, or even just told us that things sucked at home and she wanted to get away.. (they do.. her parents are having a BAD split.. BAD.. her other brother, who is one year older then she is wont talk to their mom, barely talks to Julie.. and came to stay with us for over a month with one days notice! But thats another story!) Anyways.. If she would have come to us with that.. Cool. We would still have let her come, maybe not put her in such challenging classes. Something! I honestly thought she wanted a chance at college.

 

[staley7580]

Yeah, all of that (I grew up in Heidelberg, btw!) Also, since she finished school in Germany, she may be feeling that this is a bit of a step backwards. It sounds like she wanted an American "experience", not getting slammed with all kinds of classes that she may not have been prepared for. Is there a reason she is being pressured with things like chemistry rather than taking some easier courses?

Chemistry she chose. She had taken Chemistry, Physics.. all the sciences in her old school. She liked chemistry, found it fairly easy. I do know that she is finding it more challenging. Her teacher told me that she is a very smart girl, and if she did the work.. SHe would be fine.

 

[NHdisneylover]

THANK YOU! No, she was in the middle school. I forget the name. Im glad you told me all this, because honestly.. I was like.. How do you NOT know what grades you are getting on this stuff? But its making more sense to me after reading this. I dont know much about her old school.. except she graduated out with the equivalent of a GED.

Okay. I knew this was the right place to come. Thank you all. Big talk, email teachers, set out studying plan. I telling you.. I would rather deal with my tomato throwing two year old twins then this teen stuff. I just never know where my bounderies are.. or how strict I should be?? Am I too soft?

Okay, so she has jumped from a track that is NOT college prep at all (Hauptschule) into classes like Chemistry, etc. This would be tough. I think she may well be in over her head with the material as well as the adjustment to a completely different organization to classes.

Another major difference between US and German schools is that German schools, by and large, as still VERY heavy on rote memorization and do VERY little with critical thinking or creativity. She may be being asked to do things in assignments which are totally different than anything she has done before and she may be completely overwhelmed as to how to go about them (and often those more critical thinking type things are assigned more and more as the year moves on so this could be getting harder and harder for her).

I think you and she should meet together with a counselor to try to come up with a more realistic schedule for her for next year. Also work out a plan to help her organize (as I said before) and be sure she has not missed assignments. I think those two things will really make a difference.

Good luck

 

[staley7580]

Okay, so she has jumped from a track that is NOT college prep at all (Hauptschule) into classes like Chemistry, etc. This would be tough. I think she may well be in over her head with the material as well as the adjustment to a completely different organization to classes.

Another major difference between US and German schools is that German schools, by and large, as still VERY heavy on rote memorization and do VERY little with critical thinking or creativity. She may be being asked to do things in assignments which are totally different than anything she has done before and she may be completely overwhelmed as to how to go about them (and often those more critical thinking type things are assigned more and more as the year moves on so this could be getting harder and harder for her).

I think you and she should meet together with a counselor to try to come up with a more realistic schedule for her for next year. Also work out a plan to help her organize (as I said before) and be sure she has not missed assignments. I think those two things will really make a difference.

Good luck

You're amazing. Thank you. I really appreciate you explaining all this to me. I feel like I have a place to go now.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Chemistry she chose. She had taken Chemistry, Physics.. all the sciences in her old school. She liked chemistry, found it fairly easy. I do know that she is finding it more challenging. Her teacher told me that she is a very smart girl, and if she did the work.. SHe would be fine.

You're amazing. Thank you. I really appreciate you explaining all this to me. I feel like I have a place to go now.

Oh you are very welcome. We went the other way and I know what things really threw my kids for a loop and I was a teacher so I am always paying attention to the system here and comparing the two
Feel free to ask if you have ANY questions. I will say that the Hauptschule Chemistry books I have seen cover Chemistry in a MUCH more basic way than a typical US high school course would--so she may well have chosen it expecting something different.

One things we learned is that some times things are just SO different that the kids feel like they do not even know how to explain where the problem is so they avoid it all together (denial at its finest). This is especially the case when the difference (like rote memorization vs. problem solving) is such that most people have no idea there is a difference and just assume that the foreign child knows exactly what to do. ONE example is that my son really striggled teh first year and was getting low grades on tests. I would ask him if he had homework and he would say no (which, it turned out was totally true) and HE did not know that he just needed to study whatever was covered in class, and I did not even realize it at first either. So, we did not know what the root cause of the problem was for about half a year and then DD realized and explained to me that those tests were IT, that the teachers rarely give reading assignments, etc they jsut expect you to figure out what to study--which she was naturally able to do. DS still needs help and guidance on figuring that out on on figuring out how to learn the material (it is like create your own homework!).

 

[NHdisneylover]

One more thing:
She may truly just want to be out of the bad separation stuff and not really in school but be afraid to say that either because she thinks then her parents will not allow her to stay with you, she thinks you will not allow it, OR she thinks that would hurt her parents' feelings too much (or all of the above).
Maybe YOU and your DH need to be the ones to bring that up to her if you think that might be the issue.