Teen stuff.. LONG!!!

[staley7580]

Oh you are very welcome. We went the other way and I know what things really threw my kids for a loop and I was a teacher so I am always paying attention to the system here and comparing the two
Feel free to ask if you have ANY questions. I will say that the Hauptschule Chemistry books I have seen cover Chemistry in a MUCH more basic way than a typical US high school course would--so she may well have chosen it expecting something different.

One things we learned is that some times things are just SO different that the kids feel like they do not even know how to explain where the problem is so they avoid it all together (denial at its finest). This is especially the case when the difference (like rote memorization vs. problem solving) is such that most people have no idea there is a difference and just assume that the foreign child knows exactly what to do. ONE example is that my son really striggled teh first year and was getting low grades on tests. I would ask him if he had homework and he would say no (which, it turned out was totally true) and HE did not know that he just needed to study whatever was covered in class, and I did not even realize it at first either. So, we did not know what the root cause of the problem was for about half a year and then DD realized and explained to me that those tests were IT, that the teachers rarely give reading assignments, etc they jsut expect you to figure out what to study--which she was naturally able to do. DS still needs help and guidance on figuring that out on on figuring out how to learn the material (it is like create your own homework!).

Its helps so much understanding the difference in the two. We just couldnt figure it out. You know this stuff. You have done it before.. Where is the problem? If you dont understand it.. TELL US. No one wants you to fail. All we want is for you to SUCCEED!! But she never once tells us what is going on. But now I really feel like I have somewhere to go.. Next year.. she is taking some sort of forestry class for her science. Sounds much easier to me!

 

[Poohforyou]

Does your school district post grades and assignments online? Ours does and it has been a great tool for us. DD gets good grades because she tests well but has always been lax with turning assignments in on time. That can't happen now that she is in middle school. I don't check grades and assignments every day but it's a great resource to have and DD just knowing that have have access to that kind of info has been more on top of her homework.

 

[laurie31]

I don't think being stricter is the answer. It sounds like she's basically a good kid. I can't imagine being DONE with school and then moving to a foreign country to take classes in another language presented in a totally different way than I had ever been exposed to.

I agree with those who say she doesn't know HOW to express to you what is wrong. Add to this her parents' divorce and the culture shock of living not only in a different country, but in a totally different home life than she is used to. She may be doing the best she can.

What would she be doing if she had stayed in Germany? Would she just get a job? What field is she interested in?

Maybe she could attend community college and take less than a full load, or perhaps she could get a job. (or both!) Just some other thoughts for you.

I wish her (and you!) good luck.

 

[MrsPete]

Something that's worked very well for me in my classroom -- actually, let me say that differently -- this is something that's worked very well for me in my classroom WHEN THE PARENTS FOLLOWED THROUGH:

Read John Rosemond's book Taming the Homework Hassle. He's a conservative Christian author, and this book is dead-on target. The most important thing to read is the entire chapter on a system he developed for communication between home and school and punishment/reward based upon that communication. You should read the whole thing, but here's a snapshot of the system:

First, this system is for a student who CAN DO but isn't making good choices -- it's not for the kid with a learning ability who needs extra support or the kid who needs serious tutoring; rather, it's for the kid who is perfectly capable but who isn't getting her work done -- and I think that's the kid you're describing.

Second, the parent and the teacher get together and agree upon the specific behaviors that'll help the child "get it together". Kids aren't always very good at pinpointing the specific things that will help them be successful.

For example, I'm remembering one 9th grade girl with whom this system worked well. She consistantly ran into class 1-2 minutes late (which got her lots of detention), which meant that the rest of the class had already begun the day's warm-up . . . she couldn't finish it, so she wasn't ready when we started going over it. That'd make her mad, and she'd expect us to wait, but we couldn't. She'd become disruptive, and it was a real problem -- not the only problem I had with this girl, but it's the one I remember best (probably because the solution was so clear to me, yet she couldn't see it). So she'd sit there trying to finish the warm-up, and she'd miss the first bit of instruction . . . you see the cycle? She never "caught up" in class. Being 13 or 14 years old, she COULD NOT SEE that she was causing the problem herself. She thought I was teaching at too fast a rate, and she was too stupid to keep up with the rest of the class. So her target behaviors were something like this: 1) Be in your seat 1 minute before the bell rings. 2) Have all materials ready. 3) Begin the warm-up the very second it's put up on the board.

Next, the parent and teacher together make a check-list grid for those target behaviors /5 days of the week. The teacher provides the student with copies. This MUST be specific for every student; it MUST target the specific things that're holding back that specific student.

At the end of every class, the student hands the check-list to the teacher, and the teacher takes about 20 seconds to simply check off Monday -- yes to #1, yes to #2, no to #3, and then signs the sheet. This puts the responsibility directly on the student, and it doesn't take much time for the teacher to do it.

The girl whom I described above -- the one who ran half a step behind the class because she came to class late -- railed against the whole idea, saying that this wasn't going to help her. BUT IT DID. Her mom was completely on board with it, and although the girl tested the limits a few times, her mom was consistant in punishment/reward, and the girl started doing much better in class . . . and her grades reflected it.

At home, the parent decides what privledges the student will have based upon the check-list that comes home. All checks would mean full privledges. Missing one check might mean no going out/no using computer. Missing more than one check might also mean no going out over the weekend.

The book addresses problems like substitute teachers, "forgotten" papers, etc.

This system has worked WONDERS for me -- when the parents were on board with it. A young kid inclined to let her mind wander is more likely to be serious about her school work if she knows that a punishment or a reward will come AT THE END OF THIS HOUR.

Admittedly, I used this back when I used to teach 9th graders -- I think it's just right for that age.

Good luck.

 

[hereyago]

I agree with Laurie31's advice.


OP: does your school system have a vocational/trade school that students and non students can go to learn things like: vet assistant, dental assistant, culinary arts,etc?

If not, I'd tell her you want the American experience? get a job, go to community college or the like and take studies of what she wants to do with her life.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Its helps so much understanding the difference in the two. We just couldnt figure it out. You know this stuff. You have done it before.. Where is the problem? If you dont understand it.. TELL US. No one wants you to fail. All we want is for you to SUCCEED!! But she never once tells us what is going on. But now I really feel like I have somewhere to go.. Next year.. she is taking some sort of forestry class for her science. Sounds much easier to me!

it has GOT to be frustrating (life with teens generally is anyway). Of course, there is no way you would realize just how different school life is in Germany vs. he US--when on the outside they look like such similar cultures (and in many ways they are--but in others they are very different). I can absolutely understand that you would be frustrated with her slipping grades and also with her seeming lack of desire to do anything to help herself with the issue by at least telling you what is going on and asking for help.

I do go back to what I said earlier about her very likely not even being able to pinpoint herself WHAT the differences are to understand WHY she cannot make this work. These things are really, really hard to see and figure out even as an adult living in the foreign culture and must be a lot harder as a teen. Then, the tendency is to feel badly and embarrassed that you cannot figure out these seemingly "simple" things o you are even less likely to ask for help (if you can identify what you need help with).

From how you describe her she probably is not trying to be difficult or obtuse or not proactive about this stuff--she just probably truly does not rasp where the problems lie, WHAT the differences are that are making school suddenly so much harder, etc.

I will also say the US social system at school is probably taking a lot of her energy to navigate. THERE the difference are likely to be much more obvious to her, so she can figure out what they are and then work with them--but that alone probably takes a lot of her concentration. Did you know there are no school dances here? Rarely any extra curricular at the school? Nearly everyone plays for a sports team, etc. but always for an outside club, not the school. Social life does not revolve around school to anywhere near the extent that it does in the US.

And you do not have so many people in your class! In Germany she would have had one class of up to 40 kids and they stayed together all day long (actually they probably split in half for some things and merged with another class splitting also but that is the extent of changing around who is in your class from subject to the next). Just getting used to teh change in seeing so many different people in class all day and going from classroom to classroom (here the teachers go to the kids except when the class requires a special room like gym or science labs).

What that all means is that EVERYTHING is really set up differently. As a kid/teen (or even an adult in the thick of it) you can fairly easily spot the obvious changes (like how in the US we switch WHO is in class with us with each subject and the kids move from room to room) but you can have one heck if a time spotting the more subtle things (like "oh in the US they want me to pay attention to an learn the overriding them and apply that in a critical thinking manner as opposed to in Germany where they want me to memorize names and dates). Those more subtle things can be incredibly hard to put your finger on--especially when you are distracted keeping up with the more obvious changes.


All of the above is just my long winded way of saying that I do not think she knows what the issues are to tell you herself. The best help you can give her is to figure out what the issues are FOR her and then enlighten her and help her find a way to work them out.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Honestly, she is done with school--she has finished her schooling in Germany and so how well she does here really doesn't matter that much to her. I would agree that she probably wanted to come live with you to get away from all the issues with the divorce.

I guess you and dh and her mom need to decide how much you want to fight it. If she is going back home to Germany soon, it may not be worth a huge battle.

What you can do is take away some privileges until she turns in the missing assignments/brings up her grades. No phone calls--no tv--no video games--no going out with friends, etc.

 

[rszdtrvl]

Honestly, she is done with school--she has finished her schooling in Germany and so how well she does here really doesn't matter that much to her.

This. I cannot figure out why, after getting her high school equivalent in one country, she wants to get a diploma in another (or doesn't want to, seeing that her grades are falling so much.

Take her out of high school. It doesn't matter anyway since she has completed it in her own country. If she wants additional schooling, have her go to community college, where she can take minimal classes (no more than her grades can handle) in something that she is interested in.