Teen daughter - vent

[pinkxray]

My DD 17 is really starting to frustrate me. Dh and I are essential workers. We have not let DD17 get a job yet because the two of us have worked all through Covid and she needs to help out by watching her siblings DS7 and DD4.

She has to pick up DS 3 days a week from the bus stop. About once a month DH and I overlap weekends we work. He works day shift and I work third shift specifically so she only has to watch them like an hour between DH and I not being home.

In return she gets everything provided for her. Most of her friends work at a daycare after school and she wants to too. If she did that we would have to pay for DS7 to go to after school care.

Since we have told her no to working I am currently work extra shifts a few times a month in order to buy her a car. (Looking at a used Honda Civic) We currently pay her car insurance that went up a good amount when she started driving. (She got her license in Sept and needs a lot of practice before driving on her own)

She will start college (commuting to local state college) in Sept. Paid for by us. She will be driving a car paid for by us, insurance paid for. Once Sept comes we have told her she is free to get a job.

She is just constantly bringing up we won’t let her get a job. She hates having siblings. We don’t pay her. (Again pay for anything she needs-and she gets about $40 a week from us)

Yesterday she had to watch the kids one day during Xmas break. DH and I split the rest with vacation time. She laid around all day while DS7 pretty much took care of himself and DD4. He got their cereal for lunch, snacks, drinks etc. (have cameras in living room and dining room)

When DH and I were upset about it, DD gets all upset again about watching them for 1 day on her break. It’s her break! Let her sleep! She’s tired! None of her friends have to wake up early.

I wanted to just lose it. I told her if she has an issue with it we can hire a baby sitter. DS can go to after school care. She can get a job and pay her insurance and buy her own car. (No way she would even make enough )

This is after working all day(I’m an X-ray tech in a hospital with over now 100 Covid pts) We are extremely short staffed. Staff out due to flu, Covid,etc. I picked up an extra shift this weekend and will spend my days working in the ER that is overflowing or going up to the icu to do portables on Covid patients. I picked up this shift just to put towards saving for her car. (DH is home so she isn’t watching them)


Anyway, just a vent. Dh and I work so hard and to have her just not care is so frustrating. I really don’t know what else to say to get through to her.

 

[Karin1984]

I get it is rough, especially for essential workers and especially in the situation you are in at work, and that you are venting, but as this is a online message board, you will get unsolicited advice.

Here is mine: How you describe it, I get where she is coming from.
How you describe it, she didn't sign up to have siblings, to be the babysitter, or the unpaid help, that's something you decided for her. As you make it sound, she has no say in her life. You won't be able to get through to her if you keep talking to her instead of with her.

Maybe getting everything handed to her on a golden platter is not what she wants or needs. She probably wants freedom and independence, which is normal at that age. Is there any way you can come to a middle ground?

 

[slo]

Hugs to you
My older DD (now 23) behaved very similar to what you are describing, so I understand your pain and frustration. My DD did have a job at 17yrs old, but when it came to being a cooperative, grateful member of the family she was unbearable sometimes - she always wanted more more and more with everything.
Many times I had to fight fire with fire and you may have to do the same. If you choose to let her get the job and put your son in after school care then I would definitely have the money you give her dry up. When she officially takes the job then I would explain to her that she owes a certain amount for car insurance (both my girls paid 1/2 their car insurance) and she‘s responsible for her spending money. She’ll probably be mad, but you need to stay the course and not give in. Hopefully she’ll eventually understand how good she had it before. With DD#1, I would only keep $5 in my wallet, and I would hide more cash elsewhere in my purse, so when she’d ask for cash I’d show her that I only had $5 and she couldn’t have it - eventually she stopped asking. I told her, you have a job, budget your money and stop buying everything under the sun. Rethinking about these days gives me a headache. I hope things get better for you in 2022, and if you need to vent, then please do - it makes you feel better

 

[kymom99]

I know it’s a hardship to you, but I think you need to let her get a job and pay for some of these things. She clearly doesn’t understand the value of what you are doing for her. Also, even though she is going to local college, you won’t be able to count in her once she is on a college schedule. Seems like the days of her watching the younger kids are numbered anyway.
Is there a reason you are paying for everything? It sounds like she needs some skin in the game by being responsible for paying some of her college expenses.

 

[Southernmiss]

From what you've written, I'm on your daughter's side.

Mom of 4.

The things you are providing are typical parent provided things. Yes, teens are expensive. But as you know, so is daycare.

She, in her own teen way, is asking you to give her the opportunity to grow up. She is looking for ways to be independent. As a senior in high school, it's time you allow her to get a job outside the house.

You and your husband have had it 'easy' by having an in home person to care for your younger kids.

 

[Disneylover99]

If I were 17 and my parents wouldn’t let me get a job, I’d feel frustrated and resentful.
She should be able to get a job if she wants.

Maybe she’d be able to and willing to help you out at the times she’s not working. But at that age, you need to allow her the freedom to make choices and begin to live her life.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It’s a tough situation. She probably feels stifled that she can’t do what she wants to do. But on the other hand, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her to help out given all you are doing for her, either. Is there a way to find a compromise?

 

[TwoMisfits]

At this point, whatever you've saved for her car thanks to her babysitting should be put in an account for her to be gifted later.
Local college seems like it was already agreed to, so that should also stay in place.

But now, if I were you, I'd sit down with her and your spouse and discuss the possibilities of you working more and her sitting the kids for her car money or you working less and her working towards what more she needs for a car. I'd mention how thankful you are for all the times she's already watched the kids for you in the past.

I think she will ultimately want to work and encourage you to work less. And you need to be okay with that.

 

[anniemae]

That is a tough one. What you are describing sounds like a sweet deal........to an adult. To a teen? not so much. She see's it as a prison sentence. She needs to experience real life. Like a pp said, she didn't sign up to be your babysitter. I think she will wind up resenting you and her siblings if you keep forcing her to do it.

I would let her get a job, but she will have to pay you a certain amount for the car and insurance. Sit down with her and talk to her like an adult, lay out the rules, the amount of money she has to give you each week/month, and any expectations you have about her helping with siblings if you need her to when she is not working. She may be more agreeable if she has a job. Maybe you could take some money off the amount she owes you each month as way of payment for watching the kids when she isn't working. It will teach her about budgeting and give her some real life responsibility.

 

[Jennasis]

On one hand, teenagers, amiright?

On the other hand, she is your DAUGHTER, not your nanny. If you want her to be Wendy to the Darling children, then pay her. The kid is clearly yearning for some freedom to decide her own life. I would absolutely resent my parents for forced labor (teens don't see all the stuff you provide as payment).

There has to be a compromise here.

 

[sam_gordon]

My DD 17 is really starting to frustrate me. Dh and I are essential workers. We have not let DD17 get a job yet because the two of us have worked all through Covid and she needs to help out by watching her siblings DS7 and DD4.

She has to pick up DS 3 days a week from the bus stop. About once a month DH and I overlap weekends we work. He works day shift and I work third shift specifically so she only has to watch them like an hour between DH and I not being home.

In return she gets everything provided for her. Most of her friends work at a daycare after school and she wants to too. If she did that we would have to pay for DS7 to go to after school care.

Since we have told her no to working I am currently work extra shifts a few times a month in order to buy her a car. (Looking at a used Honda Civic) We currently pay her car insurance that went up a good amount when she started driving. (She got her license in Sept and needs a lot of practice before driving on her own)

She will start college (commuting to local state college) in Sept. Paid for by us. She will be driving a car paid for by us, insurance paid for. Once Sept comes we have told her she is free to get a job.

She is just constantly bringing up we won’t let her get a job. She hates having siblings. We don’t pay her. (Again pay for anything she needs-and she gets about $40 a week from us)

Yesterday she had to watch the kids one day during Xmas break. DH and I split the rest with vacation time. She laid around all day while DS7 pretty much took care of himself and DD4. He got their cereal for lunch, snacks, drinks etc. (have cameras in living room and dining room)

When DH and I were upset about it, DD gets all upset again about watching them for 1 day on her break. It’s her break! Let her sleep! She’s tired! None of her friends have to wake up early.

I wanted to just lose it. I told her if she has an issue with it we can hire a baby sitter. DS can go to after school care. She can get a job and pay her insurance and buy her own car. (No way she would even make enough )

This is after working all day(I’m an X-ray tech in a hospital with over now 100 Covid pts) We are extremely short staffed. Staff out due to flu, Covid,etc. I picked up an extra shift this weekend and will spend my days working in the ER that is overflowing or going up to the icu to do portables on Covid patients. I picked up this shift just to put towards saving for her car. (DH is home so she isn’t watching them)


Anyway, just a vent. Dh and I work so hard and to have her just not care is so frustrating. I really don’t know what else to say to get through to her.

I don't see her as being unreasonable. I am confused about something though... you say you're working extra to buy her a car, you're looking at a type of car, but you're currently paying for HER car insurance. Are you talking about paying for YOUR insurance and she's been added on to it? So she doesn't have an actual car yet, she's using yours or your DH? That's (IMO) a normal part of being a parent to a teen.

If you only need her to pick up the older one three days a week, why can't she get a job the other four days? Or work around the times she needs to watch them?

I think there's compromises here to be made. You let her get a job and she can help pay for the car and insurance. She could still help around the house.

Use what PP said... talk WITH her, not TO her.

 

[wenrob]

I get it is rough, especially for essential workers and especially in the situation you are in at work, and that you are venting, but as this is a online message board, you will get unsolicited advice.

Here is mine: How you describe it, I get where she is coming from.
How you describe it, she didn't sign up to have siblings, to be the babysitter, or the unpaid help, that's something you decided for her. As you make it sound, she has no say in her life. You won't be able to get through to her if you keep talking to her instead of with her.

Maybe getting everything handed to her on a golden platter is not what she wants or needs. She probably wants freedom and independence, which is normal at that age. Is there any way you can come to a middle ground?

All of this. As the oldest with much younger siblings I resent to this day being treated like the built in babysitter and maid. They’re your kids, not hers. My oldest is 9.5 years older than her siblings and if I ever needed her to watch them I would ASK.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

she's a teenager, and she wants the independence she thinks her friends have.

It's a close thing, I understand you don't want to pay for babysitting, but you'll have to anyway once she starts going to college, I assume? Maybe let her get a job now, have her pay some toward her car and insurance, it will help her to become independent. At some point in the future, you do want her to pay for her own car, insurance and housing.

 

[amylevan]

I would sit down with her and discuss the finances and let her make her own decisions. Whatever you have already saved for her car can be hers in exchange for the work she has already done. And from this point forward, offer to pay her for her time or let her get a different job, but put no more directly toward her car. She will need to save her own money for a car (either from a new job or from working as your babysitter).

Teaches budgeting and allows her to feel compensated if she chooses to continue as your sitter. If she opts to get a job instead, the money you would have put towards her car can be used to pay for after care instead.

 

[pinkxray]

Wow…ok..I guess I’m just totally wrong, lol. Didn’t expect everyone to take DD’s side but knew what I was getting into posting here. Was looking for outside eyes.

I do feel as though we tried to compromise with DD. She is so set on working at the daycare. Hours are 3-6, Mon-Fri. Dh gets home after 4. She has no way to get there. It is 2 miles away and I guess she could walk but we live in CT. Walking 2 miles in the winter on busy roads doesn’t sound like the best idea to me.

She does not have a car yet. She is added on our insurance and would need to use one of our cars. She can’t just work there on certain days.

Another issue is grades. Her grades aren’t always the best. She barely maintains them now and doesn’t work. Not sure how she will manage not to fail if she starts working.

We have said all along she can work weekends. I even pointed out sign at a pizza place a few months ago looking for help and said that would be a good option. They probably need help weekends. She didn’t want to work there.

As far as watching the kids I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. She walks 100 yards to DS bus stop. She zones out on her phone while DS watches cartoons until DH comes home 20 minutes later. She gets paid $40 a week to do this.

Yes, she had to watch her siblings 1 day of her break. She has 11 other days to do what she wants.

She will go to college in the fall. Living home and going to state college was here choice. We will treat it as though she is not home and she will not be depended on to help with kids all at. They will both go to after school car.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

ok, if she wants a job she needs to get one that hires people for weekends and she probably can't have the one job she wants, which she probably wants because that's where her friends are. But maybe start on paying for that after-school care now, since you're going to do so after she starts college anyway. You aren't saying she shouldn't get a job because she needs to pull up her grades, you're saying she shouldn't get one because you need her to watch the siblings (and underpaying her vastly for that, because you can)

you dont' see what the big deal is because you aren't 17. It's normal for teens to want more independence.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I'm with the PP's--let her get a job, and start making some choices in her own life.

I have to ask--is going to college locally and commuting HER choice--or yours? I have a DD18. She wound up going to college local (NOT her first choice, but crap happens). We said we'd pay for her to live on campus, so she could get the full college experience. Then she got a small scholarship to live on campus, anyway. She works, and because she's so close, we see her several times a week (she'll flit in, cadge snacks, grab a sweatshirt or whatever, then head back to campus).

You seem to be making all the decisions for her--you want her home, taking care of her siblings, but she'd rather have a "real" job. Having her on your insurance is your problem, not hers--she's a minor. I say this as someone with 4-soon to be 5--licensed drivers in the home--OUCH! I get it! Especially since the young drivers don't touch my 2018 minivan, but are insured as if they do. DD18 drives a 16yo Sequoia.

She didn't ask for siblings, she didn't ask to care for them, she doesn't get paid for her time--you paying for "everything" doesn't really count--she's a minor, it's your job. Obviously, there's some discretion in there--you owe her a healthy dinner, not lobster every night. But your post comes across like you resent her for costing you money, when it's the nature of parenting.

Maybe have a sit-down, acknowledge all she does to help keep the family running, and talk about how you can all be happier going forward. She'll resent her siblings less if she feels like she's a respected almost-adult, versus their live-in babysitter, always on call.

I wish you luck. Things will change next year, it's not too soon to be thinking about how you'll all manage.

 

[pinkxray]

Dd will most likely not have a car of her own until June. So unfortunately, she would have to work around our schedule to get a job. When school first started we had told her she could get a job if she could something on the 4 days I don’t work or if she could work after 430 which is the soonest DH could get home and she could get to work.

I think she might have applied to the movie theater but never got a response. They weren’t hiring. At that point her grades were pretty low and we said don’t even bother trying to look for a job until she gets them up.

I get people who have siblings might resent watching them. I was 16 and a straight A student. My dad made me get a job the day I turned 16 and my grades tanked. That is always on my mind with her.

 

[Donald13]

You need to pay a sitter. $40 a week for her is nothing for what she does. Hire a sitter for after school and days when your and your husband work overlaps. If this keeps up, she will leave and not look back.

 

[anniemae]

As far as the grades go, I would set expectations when you have a talk with her (see my post above LOL). If grades drop, she has to quit her job.