Teen Daughter is Down on School--Normal or Not?

[Christine]

My DD is completing her first year of public high school. For the most part, things went fairly well this year but this past weekend she was telling me that she didn't want to go back. She wants me to take her out and put her in private school. I'm just not sure if this is a whim or if it's really that bad.

Let's go in reverse over a year ago. I had her in private school. I was entertaining the idea of continuing on to private high school even though it is VERY expensive. I just felt that it was the better place to be. The public schools in my area are just "okay". My DD "begged" me to let her go to public school. She was sick of the private school thing and wanted to go into the fine arts program (drama) at one of the local public high schools. I reluctantly agreed. Meanwhile, in private middle schools she was carrying As and Bs and did very well on her standardized tests. She was accepted into all the private schools we applied for, even the one that is hard to get into. I went ahead and let her do the public school thing. It nagged at me but it was MUCH cheaper and much easier (the private schools are not close to our home and transportation is a big deal).

So, we're going through the year. She's made some new friends and seems to be having a fun time. Too much at times. Her grades have not been great at all and I'm rather disappointed. I think she's the kind of kid that needs that "big brother is watching you" discipline that the private school offers.

This last quarter her grades basically SUCK.

She then tells me that she's just "tired" of the whole thing. Several of her friends are being pulled out of the school and being sent to various private high schools (not sure why as I don't really know them). She also told me that she's tired of the racial "BS" that goes on in the school and last week two kids were caught having sex in the bathroom. Every day in the hallway, going from class to class, is apparently an adventure and she's either "shoved" or "insulted" in a racial way or she's being made fun of for being thin.

The worst part is I kind of KNEW this would all happen. I knew she was used to a "smaller" group and not of a high school with over 3,000 students. But I had really hoped that I was wrong.

Now, I don't know what to do. Her grades aren't great so I know that at least one of the private schools will no longer take her. The other ones probably will but the cheapest one is $10,000 a year.

I'm just so angry with myself. I'm mad for listening to a teenager last year and going against my gut. On the other hand, I don't know if this latest complaint is temporary or if this "burn out" might be common.

What do you think?

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I don't really know how bad it is, but I think it's worth keeping an eye on. I went to my nephew's graduation and 40% of the kids that began in 9th grade had dropped out!!!! I was so shocked! This is supposed to be one of the best schools in their state too!!!

I think the dropout rate is out of control, and I think if I were you, I would do alot of talking with your daughter to try to find things she can get excited about and a solution that works for your family!

Good luck!

 

[Cindy B]

Well, my son is down with school as well and he's only in the 5th grade. He gets hit, shoved, verbally assaulted and ridiculed everyday as well. The sex in the bathrooms hasn't started yet, but a 5th grade boy/girl couple is "making out" every day in the far trees during recess.

I also am kicking myself for not placing him in another elementary school. My reasoning was that he was going to another school for middle school and I didn't want to have him change a school for one year and then go to yet another school in 6th grade.

His grades stink as well. It kills me because he is a highly gifted student and can do the work.

Our gut was to put him in the other elementary school. I'm kicking myself every day why we didnt' do that.

 

[disneygals]

I don't really know the answer to your question. Yes, I'm sure "burn-out" is normal for kids. I barely did anything in high school, pulled myself together for college and did fine in the business world.

I will say that you shouldn't be mad at yourself. She is old enough to learn from choices that turn out bad. You gave her freedom that she needed. My parents let me take a year off after 2 years of college and it was the best thing. I would have hated it if they "forced" me to go back.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is what you do....have her make a list/essay and plead her case.
That is what I would do.

 

[Christine]

Well, my son is down with school as well and he's only in the 5th grade. He gets hit, shoved, verbally assaulted and ridiculed everyday as well. The sex in the bathrooms hasn't started yet, but a 5th grade boy/girl couple is "making out" every day in the far trees during recess.

I also am kicking myself for not placing him in another elementary school. My reasoning was that he was going to another school for middle school and I didn't want to have him change a school for one year and then go to yet another school in 6th grade.

His grades stink as well. It kills me because he is a highly gifted student and can do the work.

Our gut was to put him in the other elementary school. I'm kicking myself every day why we didnt' do that.

Oh man, that sounds awful. It's just so hard to know what the right move to make is. I probably would have done the same thing because you always hear how bad it is to keep changing schools.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is just a gut feeling on this, but good grades come from applying oneself. Maybe the fact she hasn't applied herself this year lies less with the fact that she's unhappy at school and more with some other type of stress in her life? What happened with the drama program? What are her friends at school like? What does she do with her spare time? Is home life stable?

I've seen it go both ways with friends and family - some have transferred out of private to go to public; others out of public to go to private. My own experience in high school was that the stress in my household prevented me from fully applying myself and although I was capable of doing the work, my grades suffered at times. Could this be an issue for her?

The other thing is that I agree, it stinks to have to deal with that crap in school. But (as long as she stays safe) think of the experience she'll have in getting along with all types of people. That should serve her pretty well in life. When I was in high school my school was profiled in Time Magazine for having lots of "racial issues". None of us really saw what the big deal was.

I would probably lean toward keeping her where she is and taking steps to "make it work". After all, she did make a choice. There are no guarantees she'll do better in private school, especially if other things are the real issue, and if she does run into problems there, then what? Tenth grade could end up being a wash, too.

Good luck, it's not an easy decision.

 

[run4me]

If she was my daughter I call the school and talk with the then about her change. See what they notice. I would talk to her and see if any other problems are around school such as drugs, bullying, sexual harasment, etc. See what is going on. If she is has no problems try to have her work on what she could do to make it a better year in the fall.

Maybe changiing to an other school would be in her best interest. I goal would be what is in her best interest.

 

[Christine]

This is just a gut feeling on this, but good grades come from applying oneself. Maybe the fact she hasn't applied herself this year lies less with the fact that she's unhappy at school and more with some other type of stress in her life? What happened with the drama program? What are her friends at school like? What does she do with her spare time? Is home life stable?

She hasn't applied herself as well as should could in my opinion. Initially, I thought it stemmed from the transition from Catholic school to public school. No more heavy authority, no one cared if she let it slip (except for me). In her private school, good grades were something that *most* of the kids strived for. In this school, good grades are looked down on by the others.

As for the drama program, she has become disillusioned with it. Her teacher, who she liked well enough in the beginning, she says no longer even speaks to her and she feels uncomfortable with her--she feels the woman doesn't care for her. She is a harsh teacher but I thought she was very motivational. Apparently not anymore.

She has many friends and most of them seem very nice. All of them are what I would call "average" students. No big partiers, parents all seem responsible.

Her spare time is spent going to movies with friends, having sleepovers, getting their hair done, etc. And her home life is stable.

My own experience in high school was that the stress in my household prevented me from fully applying myself and although I was capable of doing the work, my grades suffered at times. Could this be an issue for her?

About the most stressful thing about her home life is that both of her parents work and we get up pretty early in the morning. Maybe about 30-45 minutes earlier than she'd have to if one parent was at home. We also don't do a lot of "fun" stuff on the weekends because we are busy catching up with household duties. Maybe we are boring her to death!!

 

[pyrxtc]

well I guess I differ, If i could affor dit, I would put her back into the private school system but she has to promise that she will not complain again before she graduates cuz you are not switching her again. Also, does your school district have a school choice option where you send her to another school system? My younger brothers and sisters went to school outside of our district.

I ahted my high school. I went to a technical school but just wanted to go to our city's high school. I did got to a college prep program through there and knew a lot of the kids and a lot of the teachers and stuff and my grades were great with college prep but at the tech school they stunk. I hated it, wanted nothng to do with it and requested many times to change schools. It's not fun going to a school that you don't like and somewhere you don't want to be. I would ahve tried better in my classes if I went to a regular high school. I was so bored at the tech school and sick of the switching weeks between classes and shop that I didn't do much of anything.

Let her pcik her high school but make her stick with it for the next 3 yrs. You won't regret it.

 

[Christine]

Also, does your school district have a school choice option where you send her to another school system? My younger brothers and sisters went to school outside of our district.

Yes, our county allows high schoolers to "pick" their high school. She is not in the school that we are zoned from. She applied to the fine arts program (because she loves/loved) drama. She auditioned and was accepted. Other schools in the area offer an IB program, international studies, math, science, computer.

I think one of the problems is that the county has pretty much decided to do away with the fine arts program so her program will be disappearing. I think it took the "wind out of everyone's sails" so to speak. The county has determined that this particular program has not helped any of its graduates with college applications nor has the program been stellar enough to even be a standout in the fine arts it offers. Other high schools that don't even specialize in fine arts have better drama groups, better school bands, etc.

Another thing that I forgot to mentioned was that her 7th/8th grade English teacher felt that she would not do well in public school. I don't know what the specifics were but she felt my daughter would be one of those who would "fall through the cracks." Basically, she is just very average and she doensn't have an overly strong personality. In a large school, she just seems to get lost. I really didn't want to believe this woman, but it seems she may have been right.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, since you are asking for input here, these are my thoughts. Nobody can really tell for sure what is best, just from reading a chat-board. But, this is what I am thinking, based on your post.

My DD is completing her first year of public high school. For the most part, things went fairly well this year but this past weekend she was telling me that she didn't want to go back. She wants me to take her out and put her in private school. I'm just not sure if this is a whim or if it's really that bad.

Without seeing the situation, it is hard to say just how bad it is, or is not. I can say that your DD has now seen both types of schools. So, she knows by her own experience. Before, well, 'the grass is always greener'.

Let's go in reverse over a year ago. I had her in private school. I was entertaining the idea of continuing on to private high school even though it is VERY expensive. I just felt that it was the better place to be. The public schools in my area are just "okay". My DD "begged" me to let her go to public school. She was sick of the private school thing and wanted to go into the fine arts program (drama) at one of the local public high schools. I reluctantly agreed. Meanwhile, in private middle schools she was carrying As and Bs and did very well on her standardized tests. She was accepted into all the private schools we applied for, even the one that is hard to get into. I went ahead and let her do the public school thing. It nagged at me but it was MUCH cheaper and much easier (the private schools are not close to our home and transportation is a big deal).

Here grades and standardized test scores were very good. You say when you "went ahead and let her do the public school thing, it nagged at you". Sometimes it pays to listen to your gut????

So, we're going through the year. She's made some new friends and seems to be having a fun time. Too much at times. Her grades have not been great at all and I'm rather disappointed. I think she's the kind of kid that needs that "big brother is watching you" discipline that the private school offers.

I am not sure if I would call it 'big brother'. But, yes there is probably a big difference in the amount of discipline (or lack therof) and the amount of encouragement (or lack thereof) between these two schools?

This last quarter her grades basically SUCK.

That says a lot.

She then tells me that she's just "tired" of the whole thing. Several of her friends are being pulled out of the school and being sent to various private high schools (not sure why as I don't really know them). She also told me that she's tired of the racial "BS" that goes on in the school and last week two kids were caught having sex in the bathroom. Every day in the hallway, going from class to class, is apparently an adventure and she's either "shoved" or "insulted" in a racial way or she's being made fun of for being thin.

A lot to think about here. Is she wanting to follow one of these friends back into private school??? Also, about the social situation. This is tough to call. This could go either way. She could be exaggerating in order reinforce her point. Or, there could be serious things going on making her very very uncomfortable at school. Kids are very reluctant to go home and tell their parents about this kind of thing. They can be embarassed. They sometimes think that they should be able to handle things all on their own. This might be something that you want to speak with your DD about.

The worst part is I kind of KNEW this would all happen. I knew she was used to a "smaller" group and not of a high school with over 3,000 students. But I had really hoped that I was wrong.

Yep, your gut feeling again. And, just personally, I am sitting here thinking 3000 students!!!!! I personally would be concerned about that type of a 'college' environment.

Now, I don't know what to do. Her grades aren't great so I know that at least one of the private schools will no longer take her. The other ones probably will but the cheapest one is $10,000 a year.

WOW!!! Yep, the money must be a big concern!!! I am thinking that you have paid for private school in the past. And you have considered keeping with private school. It can be hard to separate issues, but I would encourage you to try to separate these other issues from the money issue.

I'm just so angry with myself. I'm mad for listening to a teenager last year and going against my gut. On the other hand, I don't know if this latest complaint is temporary or if this "burn out" might be common.

This says a lot to me. You are a bit angry for yourself for going against your gut, and possibly making the wrong decision. Well, it is a new year now. Two wrongs never make a right. It never pays to make the same mistake twice. Now, I am not sure about the possible 'burn-out' I think that if it were me, I would try to talk to my DD about all the above issues and see if you can make any determinations.

What do you think?

Personally, just from what you have posted, I would be leaning towards private school. But only you can make the decision that is best for you and your DD!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think one of the problems is that the county has pretty much decided to do away with the fine arts program so her program will be disappearing. Other high schools that don't even specialize in fine arts have better drama groups, better school bands, etc..

So, one of the big reasons why your DD chose to try this school was for a program that has not worked out for her, and is now disappearing altogether... That is a huge factor!

 

[Christine]

Wishing On A Star--

Thanks for your feedback? Yes, I've always really wanted her to be in the private school. That is the "snob" side of me coming out. I really never wanted her exposed to the amount of "riff-raff" that she is. I know that's a non-PC think to say, but there it is. I know we have to function in the world with EVERYBODY and we do, but it is just over the top in these schools.

The money is a big issue for me and I am kind of cash-strapped. I can always make it work, I suppose but it really adds a whole new stress to things. Financial strain is a burden. Yeah, I was paying of her private school but it was $3,000 versus $10,000.

By the way: you do quotes very well!!!

 

[momof2inPA]

Can you imagine being pushed or harrassed and frightened every time you walked down the hallway at work? I wouldn't put myself through that, much less one of my kids.

If you can afford it, bite the bullet and put the kid in private school.

Can you still enroll her for next year?

 

[Christine]

So, one of the big reasons why your DD chose to try this school was for a program that has not worked out for her, and is now disappearing altogether... That is a huge factor!

Yep! As for the drama thing--my DD is really a very good little actress. She does very well in the parts that she does get (not many are awarded to freshman). However, I have tried to encourage her that, in order to gain more parts (which she thinks she wants), she needs to do voice and dance. She refuses. So, she is very limited in the parts she will get. That bums her out but it still doesn't make her want to get out and do more to better herself. I've told her how I feel on the matter. It's her decision. I will not force dance lessons and voice. Period. This has to come from within her. If she doesn't want to put in the effort, then she doesn't want it badly enough. Right now, everything I predicted is playing out. And, oh, I how I really wanted to be wrong.

 

[Christine]

Can you imagine being pushed or harrassed and frightened every time you walked down the hallway at work? I wouldn't put myself through that, much less one of my kids.

If you can afford it, bite the bullet and put the kid in private school.

Can you still enroll her for next year?

It's bad. Doesn't happen everyday, but it happens enough. And this goes on with everyone so it's not like she is being specifically targeted or bullied.

I have made inquiries into the the private schools. Haven't heard back you. The application is a lengthy process too.

Then there is the transportation issue. These schools, at a minimum are a 30 minute drive from our home. The fact that I work doesn't bode well. If the school does not offer a bus service or organzied car pools, I'm out of luck.

 

[momof2inPA]

Then there is the transportation issue. These schools, at a minimum are a 30 minute drive from our home. The fact that I work doesn't bode well. If the school does not offer a bus service or organzied car pools, I'm out of luck.

Hey, it's the DC area. Practically every home has two parents working. I'm sitting at my sis's house in Maryland, while she and her husband are both at work (my kids are watching cartoons).

IMO, this is an important enough issue that you need to "make it work." It may not be a possibility, but I would move to get my kid into a better school environment. From what you say about her grades, her future may depend on it. If you or DH are military, the housing allowance would probably allow you live many places, maybe some with better public schools or cheaper private schools. Do you have any other kids that would have to go through the same school system?

 

[Christine]

Hey, it's the DC area. Practically every home has two parents working. I'm sitting at my sis's house in Maryland, while she and her husband are both at work (my kids are watching cartoons).

IMO, this is an important enough issue that you need to "make it work." It may not be a possibility, but I would move to get my kid into a better school environment. From what you say about her grades, her future may depend on it. If you or DH are military, the housing allowance would probably allow you live many places, maybe some with better public schools or cheaper private schools. Do you have any other kids that would have to go through the same school system?

We are not military. Right now, there is no way I could move in the current housing market. I definitely could not move out of my little area. I have been trying to do that for 2 years and the mortgage payments would just go way above what we can do.

I have a 5th grader who will also be in this bind; however, they are opening a new Catholic High School in my town in 2008/2009 and it will be 5 minutes from my house. Hopefully he will be okay.

 

[Hannathy]

What reason does she give for her grades being down? I see a lot of "excuses" in your post but no real reasons. I think she is having a hard time dealing with in HS they expect you to be responsible for keeping track of everything yourself and don't treat you like elementary school. I went to a large HS and the truth is you tend to be with only the kids in your type of classes so the other stuff is only in the halls and easily avoided. I think she may also be seeing that there are a lot of very talented people out in the world and she may no longer be able to compete, even with dance and voice at this late date. In our town we have a lot of kids whose parents teach at a fine arts university so the level of performance is great and can be discouraging to kids who would be stars at other schools- is this happening? My DD saw this and decided to switch gears and went behind the scenes and was student director/stage manager for the musical - and won the school theater award this year.

My DD chose to leave her school after 4th grade to go to a new charter school for the highly gifted and it was hard. They housed the "school" (2 classrooms) at a very low income racially diverse school because it had room. The other teachers at this school resented these students and were very hard on them and excluded them from school things, the other kids picked on them in the halls and playground, the outside aids gave them detentions and punished them for breaking rules if they did something that was ok at their old schools but not at this one- like taking a ball off the grass or putting their coats aginst the wall instead of in front of the windows,little tiny things nothing big. Guess what the stuck it out learned a lot of self esteem and thrived. They have been together for 4 yrs and are great kids. In fact on Friday they had a pool party at a girls house because next year they will all go to different Highschools. This party was arranged by them and there were 22, 14 yr olds at this house for 4 hrs with 1 adult, no problems, they all brought food or soda, behaved had fun and cleaned up when I picked my DD up the only thing out of place were 1/2 dozen left towels-they are 14 yr old boys afterall.

Do I expect some sadness from my DD next yr at her new school - of course but life changes. You either adapt or be miserable. I expect my DD to be dissapointed when she is not included in social things because she will be in mostly classes with 11th graders and as I have explained don't think they will include you in their weekend plans! She says thats ok I have my own friends.

What does your DD think is going to be different at a new school? I would want her to lay out to me what she thinks will change and why I should sacrifice things to send her to this school. How is she going to change and why she can't do this at her present school. I would want concrete reasons and promises not excuses. Good luck I know I couldn't afford 10,000 a year so my DD better get along with those 11th graders-next yr I'll probably be on here asking how I tell my 14 yr old she can't date a 17 yr old even if he is captain of the debate team! ( we haven't had that yet because this group have been together for so long they say ugh that would be like dating my brother!)