talking with Teen DD about dating

[momz]

I need to talk with DD16 about dating (She is in her first "real" relationship). She and her boyfriend need to have some limits set. Here's what I have for my talking points so far.

I think that if I have this conversation with her, it will be easier for her to have the confidence needed when it's necessary. She needs to know what to expect in regards to dating and how she can a) prevent any unexpected situations, and b) know how to deal with things if they happen to find themselves pushing the limits.


Boundaries: They may hang out in the public places of our home. They may not hang out in the game room unless others are in there too. He is not allowed in her bedroom. She may not have male guests over if there is not a parent present. She may not visit his house if there is not a parent present. She must remain in the public areas of his home as well.

Respect: They must both respect each other. They must not accept or inflict pressure on each other. If one is unsure of the other's feelings on a matter, then they must back off.
Being safe: If you are not ready to be safe, then you are not ready. Intimacy is certain to change the dynamics of a relationship. If you are not ready for that change, then you are not ready.

Privacy: Intimacy occurs within a loving and committed relationship between two people and only two people. It is not something to be discussed with your friends, ever. As you well know, your friends will tell other people too (DD has told us about a friend of hers that has gone wild with her behavior...can't believe DD told us, but this is evidence that anybody will tell what they know). You do not want others knowing these details about you. Talk about embarrassing! If you are not 100% certain that intimacy and privacy is guaranteed, then you are not ready.

Thoughts?

My mother never talked to me about dating relationships. I did not understand that things can go from 0 to 60 in a second. I did not know how to slow things down, or stop for that matter. I did not have the confidence needed to make good decisions and I gave in to pressure.

I want my DD to at least know I'm on her side about these things.

 

[wilkeliza]

The only thing I would add is since she is in a relationship and you already plan to bring up intimacy perhaps talk to her about BC options. You can do it in a way that says you don't think she is ready and this is not you "giving her permission" but you want her to be protected from a life long "oops" in case she makes a choice even if you do not agree with said choice. Also maybe frame it in the fact that if she can't talk to you about birth control then she isn't ready for intimacy but that you will be open and non-judgemental when your daughter is ready to discuss that and that you want her to have the tools necessary to make the best choices for herself.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Talk about birth control. A baby isn't the worse you can come home with. There are some incurable STD's.

 

[gotomu212]

The only thing I would add is since she is in a relationship and you already plan to bring up intimacy perhaps talk to her about BC options. You can do it in a way that says you don't think she is ready and this is not you "giving her permission" but you want her to be protected from a life long "oops" in case she makes a choice even if you do not agree with said choice. Also maybe frame it in the fact that if she can't talk to you about birth control then she isn't ready for intimacy but that you will be open and non-judgemental when your daughter is ready to discuss that and that you want her to have the tools necessary to make the best choices for herself.

This and I'll add that my parents were very traditional and not the "I'm your friend" type, however my mother made it very clear that if I was every in a dangerous situation (drinking, people doing drugs, sex) I could call and they would come help without punishment. This saved me from getting in a car driven by a drunk friend that had a serious accident. I am forever grateful that I felt safe calling home for a ride and while my mom wasn't happy to pick up a drunk 17 year old it may have saved my life....and then we had a very very long conversation about drinking.

It's hard to manage the parenting/discipline part with an emerging adult who isn't around you and under your control 24/7. The more you make it about being a safe person to talk to and discuss values and less about what she is or isn't allowed to do the better I think.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think you are on the right track, OP. Please mention birth control, and make sure your DD knows she can come to you without being judged if she needs it. Also make sure she understands and is protected against STD's. I put a box of condoms in our linen closet that my daughters can take whenever they want. I also made sure they had the HPV vaccine. Finally I told them to remember that they are being intimate with every other person their partner has been intimate with before.

Tell your DD that even with your rules, you know that whether or not she is intimate with someone is her choice - not his, and not yours. I have told my daughters my thoughts about intimacy - that it should be something shared privately between two people who love, respect and trust one another. But ultimately it is their decision to make. I felt that this way they knew how I felt, but at the same time empowered them to make the choice to be intimate or not, not because I made a bunch of rules where they would never be in a position to be intimate. We do have rules at our house, but I am not so naive as to think there won't be opportunities for intimacy outside of those boundaries.

My mom didn't talk to me about relationships or intimacy, either, other than to say that I should not have sex until marriage. I didn't want that for my girls.

Good luck to you!

 

[wilkeliza]

I just want to say thanks to the parents who said stuff to their kids outside of the "don't have sex until marriage" script. My mom never formally talked to me (of course we had the stranger danger don't let anyone do something to you talk when I was little) but all I ever heard was you were dirty if you had sex outside of marriage. That overrode all the don't let people hurt your talks because I felt dirty when I was abused. Mentally I couldn't get past the unpure and dirty conversations all around me that I never came forward because I didn't want my church and adults in my life to think I was unpure. I think being open about it and not putting it in the frame of marriage (even if that is what you believe in and there is nothing wrong with believing you should wait) it does help young women speak up if something bad happens to them.

 

[godders]

Privacy: Intimacy occurs within a loving and committed relationship between two people and only two people. It is not something to be discussed with your friends, ever. As you well know, your friends will tell other people too (DD has told us about a friend of hers that has gone wild with her behavior...can't believe DD told us, but this is evidence that anybody will tell what they know). You do not want others knowing these details about you. Talk about embarrassing! If you are not 100% certain that intimacy and privacy is guaranteed, then you are not ready.

It's great you're being proactive about dating and talking about healthy loving relationships with your daughter. However I would just be careful with what I've quoted above. It reads to me (and this may not be how you mean it) that she shouldn't talk about sex with her friends because it is something she should be embarrassed about.

I understand you want to protect your daughter from those who do gossip but she needs to be able to discuss things to see if they're normal or if other people are going through them too. Talking about sex and intimacy is healthy and normal among peers and people you trust. She told you about her friends behaviour because she trusts you. Perhaps she's concerned about how her friend is acting, or she's unsure if it is normal.

The way it comes across to me in the way it's phrased (and again you may not mean it in that way and I've just interpreted wrong) is that sex and interest in sex is something she should be ashamed of and keep to herself and ONLY talk to her bf about. While I think she should be open with her bf and you are quite right about the importance of intimacy and privacy between them, it is really important she be able to talk about things she's learning or unsure of. Her bf knows as little about this stuff as she does so he shouldn't be the only person she talks to.

I can completely understand why you would worry that young people might gossip but most 16 year olds are all in the same boat at this age about the issues you want to discuss with your daughter. I can't imagine going through that age without talking to my friends about what was going on. Heck I can't imagine not talking to my friends at any age about sex and relationships. You run the risk of someone repeating what you've said every time you open your mouth no matter the topic. You need to trust that she has some good friends and that she trusts you enough to come to you or someone else with more experience of these things when she needs to.

Also completely agree with PPs about the importance of talking about birth control

 

[Marchand63]

I told mine, boys btw. Two things we will not provide diapers & bail.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with education about birth control and STD prevention. Very important.

And I also talked to my kids about intimacy in a relationship, but I just want to add that casual sex is very common today (among teens and adults) and so although it's good to let our kids know our thoughts on it, they're also out there in a world in which that may appear to be old fashioned thinking. Look at Tinder, for example. (Not sure what it is? Google Vanity Fair's "Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocolypse".)

I think it's not a bad idea to have guidelines in the house, but I also think that if kids want to fool around, they'll find a way, even right under your nose.

 

[DaisyJ]

Talk about birth control. A baby isn't the worse you can come home with. There are some incurable STD's.

Talk about condoms. Birth control pills and other forms of female birth control don't do anything to prevent STD's.

 

[Klayfish]

Wow, I don't envy you. I'm not at that point yet, my kids are 13, 9, 9. Only one is a girl, one of my twins. I know we'll have to talk to DS13 soon. It's a really tough call. I think a lot of that talk comes in foundations that are laid with your kids when they are much younger. Not about relationships and sex, certainly. But in building that relationship with them about anything you talk about, and boundaries you set, rules you make, etc...so that they trust and respect you and your opinion at an early age. So that when you have "that talk", they take it to heart and hopefully follow your advice.

In thinking about the boundaries part of your post, I totally understand it and 100% agree with it. I think what I'll worry about is that if they're bound and determined, then they'll find other places for privacy (not talking about your DD in specific, just in general). So for me, I think that while I will set rules like you will, because I completely agree with them, I also want to really focus on being smart when adults aren't around because I darn well know that if they really want to, they'll find a way. Like you said, OP, it's knowing when you're ready and when you're not, how to handle it, etc... Yeah, I'm a guy and I was pretty rebellious as a teen (I didn't care at all what my parents said), but I wasn't alone. Plenty of guys and girls I knew were the same way...and they all came from stable and solid families. So for me, I want to not only set rules, but try to be realistic and teach them how to handle situations they may put themselves into.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

 

[ronandannette]

I'd also add some specific counsel prohibiting compromising photographs (selfies or otherwise). It's a shame to have to address it, but that's the world our kids are living in.

 

[rigs32]

You should think about reframing the no talking about sex piece, as a PP suggested.

I read that and thought, "I guess at almost 40 I'm not ready for sex because I've talking to friends about it." There's a big difference between telling friends exactly what you did with a particular partner and conversations about sex in general. Your OP made it sound like sex should never be discussed except directly with your partner and that's a very insular message to give a teenage.

I think your point would be stronger if you framed that part of the discussion using the example of her friend - that your DD knows, *you* know, who else knows. And does she want her friends' parents to know about her choices. Talk about easily personal, private information can spread, not that she's immature if she talks about sex.

 

[okeydokey]

Do either of them drive? If so are they not allowed to be in a car either? I think when she has sex is going to be up to her regardless of what you want. Talk to her about respecting herself enough to make suitable choices for herself when she wants to and to use birth control when she needs it.

 

[wilkeliza]

Talk about condoms. Birth control pills and other forms of female birth control don't do anything to prevent STD's.

Why not both? Talking about condoms 100% puts the decision in the boy/mans hands. So many of the babies born to teenagers when I was in high school was because the boy told the girl something about condoms. Parents didn't discuss other options or daughters didn't feel like they could talk to their parents about sex and so it ended up in a teen pregnancy. Teens and young adults should know that both is the best option because you just don't know what you are dealing with. So yes condoms for STD but if you don't want to get pregnant then take it upon yourself to prevent that as much as you can. Yes there is always that 1 story of someone doing everything to prevent it and it still happening but realistically if you are using both you should be protected pretty much 99.99% from STDS and pregnancy. I still smh at the people I know who thought babies couldn't be conceived if there was no love or they weren't married because they were always just told married couples have babies. This was in the early 2000s. Of course we were in an abstinence only south Texas rural high school so that's probably why.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with a lot of the comments here!

OP, please do know that most teens today might not feel any embarrassment about these personal things.
So, that might not be the approach.
Perhaps, instead, you should VERY MUCH EMPHASIZE privacy and good personal boundaries.

I would want to talk a lot about personal boundaries. That, and self value and self esteem.
I would want my DD to feel confident in setting and standing by good healthy personal boundaries.
You don't do something, or share something, because you think the other person's interest might be more important than yours.

Here is something that comes to mind...
Boyfriends and even some 'friends' can come and go... but, your life and your personal decisions will be there forever.

Just, my experience, back in the dinosaur days... My mother was not one of those to be involved and share. But, I did end up calling her once, after an overnight party that had gone the wrong direction... I called her first thing the next morning. (I just waited it out until then, no immediate crisis) She did not judge or say harsh words. (What good would that have done) So, I am a firm believer that it is very important to not judge or punish. Communication, when needed/appropriate, is much, more, important.

 

[DaisyJ]

Why not both?

I meant make sure she adds condoms to her list of birth control to talk about, not just putting her daughter on birth control pills. Girls can buy condoms just as easily as boys can, so no, it doesn't put the decision 100% on the male.

 

[smiths02]

It's great you're being proactive about dating and talking about healthy loving relationships with your daughter. However I would just be careful with what I've quoted above. It reads to me (and this may not be how you mean it) that she shouldn't talk about sex with her friends because it is something she should be embarrassed about.

I understand you want to protect your daughter from those who do gossip but she needs to be able to discuss things to see if they're normal or if other people are going through them too. Talking about sex and intimacy is healthy and normal among peers and people you trust. She told you about her friends behaviour because she trusts you. Perhaps she's concerned about how her friend is acting, or she's unsure if it is normal.

The way it comes across to me in the way it's phrased (and again you may not mean it in that way and I've just interpreted wrong) is that sex and interest in sex is something she should be ashamed of and keep to herself and ONLY talk to her bf about. While I think she should be open with her bf and you are quite right about the importance of intimacy and privacy between them, it is really important she be able to talk about things she's learning or unsure of. Her bf knows as little about this stuff as she does so he shouldn't be the only person she talks to.

I can completely understand why you would worry that young people might gossip but most 16 year olds are all in the same boat at this age about the issues you want to discuss with your daughter. I can't imagine going through that age without talking to my friends about what was going on. Heck I can't imagine not talking to my friends at any age about sex and relationships. You run the risk of someone repeating what you've said every time you open your mouth no matter the topic. You need to trust that she has some good friends and that she trusts you enough to come to you or someone else with more experience of these things when she needs to.

Also completely agree with PPs about the importance of talking about birth control

I'd also add some specific counsel prohibiting compromising photographs (selfies or otherwise). It's a shame to have to address it, but that's the world our kids are living in.

I agree with this. I would counsel about what she puts in writing (text, e-mail, FB, whatever) and in photographs, but she is going to want to talk to her friends.

 

[wilkeliza]

I meant make sure she adds condoms to her list of birth control to talk about, not just putting her daughter on birth control pills. Girls can buy condoms just as easily as boys can, so no, it doesn't put the decision 100% on the male.

The decision part we'll have to agree to disagree on then. When you are young and "in love" it is so easy to manipulate the situation and it is the male's body that it goes on so yeah ultimately it is on him (literately even). I consider condoms apart of birth control because they are. Talking about BC shouldn't ever be just the pill because there are so many options some that work for some women and not for others. So yes BC talks should always include condom talk as well.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow, I don't envy you. I'm not at that point yet, my kids are 13, 9, 9. Only one is a girl, one of my twins. I know we'll have to talk to DS13 soon. It's a really tough call. I think a lot of that talk comes in foundations that are laid with your kids when they are much younger. Not about relationships and sex, certainly. But in building that relationship with them about anything you talk about, and boundaries you set, rules you make, etc...so that they trust and respect you and your opinion at an early age. So that when you have "that talk", they take it to heart and hopefully follow your advice.

In thinking about the boundaries part of your post, I totally understand it and 100% agree with it. I think what I'll worry about is that if they're bound and determined, then they'll find other places for privacy (not talking about your DD in specific, just in general). So for me, I think that while I will set rules like you will, because I completely agree with them, I also want to really focus on being smart when adults aren't around because I darn well know that if they really want to, they'll find a way. Like you said, OP, it's knowing when you're ready and when you're not, how to handle it, etc... Yeah, I'm a guy and I was pretty rebellious as a teen (I didn't care at all what my parents said), but I wasn't alone. Plenty of guys and girls I knew were the same way...and they all came from stable and solid families. So for me, I want to not only set rules, but try to be realistic and teach them how to handle situations they may put themselves into.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

You are a bit late in the game with your teen, but 9 is a great age to get the discussions going. It's way easier to talk about sex with a 9 year old than a 13 year old. We have this book, geared towards younger kids, lots of information.
http://robieharris.com/?page_id=215