Taking kids and MIL but not spouse

[squirk]

Not a pending divorce or separation situation or anything like that.

We booked a NOLA cruise on opening day long ago for my wife, three kids, my MIL and myself. All was well until about three months ago when my wife realized that she had been invited to a good friend's wedding that conflicted with our sail dates. She had received the invite a ways back but never "connected the dots" that the two dates overlapped.

Rebooking the cruise was not an option for a multitude of reasons. And my wife's friend has some serious health issues where this wedding was particularly special and important. Suffice it to say that there will be other cruises; there will not be another wedding.

She clearly did not want to miss the wedding, so we agreed that she would go to that and not go on the cruise. And I am totally on-board with this decision, given the circumstances.

But now it's just me, my kids and my MIL (with whom I get along famously) on the cruise. It'll be fine, but it just seems really, really weird (and a little sad) to be taking a family vacation without my wife.

Anyone else ever found themselves in a somewhat similar situation? If so, how did the cruise go, in retrospect?

 

[MomOTwins]

I don't think anyone can advise you without knowing why it is not an option to rebook your cruise. Because, honestly, that seems to be the obvious thing to do here.

 

[starvenger]

Well I live with my mother-in-law and have done day trips with her and the kids without my wife but a cruise might be stretching things.

For me, I try not to lay too much on my MiL (or my parents for that matter) when we have been on vacation together, so probably there's added pressure on me to take care of the kids. So on a cruise, I'd let her do what she wants, and figure everything else out as I go.

Hopefully, this works out for you.

 

[squirk]

I don't think anyone can advise you without knowing why it is not an option to rebook your cruise. Because, honestly, that seems to be the obvious thing to do here.

Thanks. The “why” of why we can’t rebook is irrelevant. Not looking for advice, as much as a shared perspective with someone else who had a spouse who needed to drop out.

Well I live with my mother-in-law and have done day trips with her and the kids without my wife but a cruise might be stretching things.

For me, I try not to lay too much on my MiL (or my parents for that matter) when we have been on vacation together, so probably there's added pressure on me to take care of the kids. So on a cruise, I'd let her do what she wants, and figure everything else out as I go.

Hopefully, this works out for you.

Thank you. Kids are all old enough where they don’t need much monitoring. Neither I nor my MIL will need to pick up much “slack,” child-care-wise, due to my wife’s absence.

Again, I know it’ll still be fun. But not as fun as it would be if my wife was still coming.

 

[kj2mom]

Maybe you could try not to think of it as a little sad but as an amazing opportunity to share a once in a lifetime vacation with your children? You are going to make memories and have experiences that you and your children (assuming because you mention not needing much monitoring which makes me think they will be old enough to keep these memories) will treasure probably for a lifetime. And, your MIL will be there to soak it all in too! Sure, it may be a little unorthodox for some people but I would really try to turn that around and treasure every moment possible. I should probably tell you to take what I say with a grain of salt since last month my children turned 18 and being seniors in high school (next year they will both be leaving me for college) and I am the kind of person who gives experiences as gifts...making memories is far more important to me than the material stuff! It won't be the same kind of fun without your wife but it could absolutely be a different kind of fun that will stay with you always. Enjoy every second and I am sure your wife will enjoy hearing all about it (maybe the children could keep a journal to share with mom when you get back and they could keep it always as something they will have to look back on when they talk about their trip in the future)?

 

[squirk]

I am the kind of person who gives experiences as gifts...making memories is far more important to me than the material stuff! I

Thanks for the comments. Yes, that is how I am trying to approach it - maybe not the ideal experience, but something "outside the norm" that we can talk about down the road.

This is our sixth DCL cruise, and MIL has joined us on almost all of them, so the general DCL experience is not new to any of us. However, this will be our first time on a Classic ship (Wonder), so I regret that my wife will miss out.

 

[DuskKodesh]

Completely informal opinion here, dunno if it helps at all. I've taken day trips with the MIL without the hubs. She's lovely, but I couldn't hold it together on a cruise. Spouses just know you and they're used to you and I like being with someone who knows me well enough that I don't need to fill the silence sometimes. Which is not to say we don't talk.

You do have kids though, which I don't and it might be a great trip to get some bonding with them and the grandparent. I had none left by the time I was 22, so maybe I'm biased but it'd certainly be good to get them that time with her, they'll always have the memories. So maybe my advice is that it might get a little awkward sometimes, and you'll have to fill the silence up with chat but it would be worth it for the kiddos.

Also as someone that had a week trip once with my own mother and sister OH BOY do you come home with a greater appreciation for the spouse.

 

[Mommb]

I have traveled to Disneyland and Walt Disney World with my kids and without my husband. I have also visited my mother-in-law with my son and without my husband. I haven't cruised without my husband, but have cruised with both him and my mother-in-law. I find that on a cruise my family tends to split up anyhow, so it's not unusual to be with some of the group and not others. The only time we were all together consistently was at dinner (and, for those sharing a room, around bedtime and first thing in the morning).

I like kj2mom's idea of keeping a journal that can be shared with your wife when you return. You can also take lots of pictures.

Yes, this trip will be different, but maybe you'll get to do things that you wouldn't otherwise because your wife wouldn't like them as much. Focus on what you can do, and not what your wife is missing. (If you have a great time on the Wonder, that's incentive to book another trip with her.)

 

[aliceinvunderland]

I’ve sailed twice without my husband, due to his crazy work schedule. We have always known that if we wait for the perfect time for him to go with us, it may never happen. So we plan as best we can, and deal with it if he’s unable to go with us at the last minute. A Disney Cruise is the easiest vacation, so doing it on my own with the kids is no big deal. Do we miss DH and wish he was with us? Yes! Do we still have fun? Also yes. Do I feel guilty and/or resentful? Absolutely not. Go and have a great time, and make sure to book a placeholder so your wife can join you for the next cruise!

 

[Karin1984]

I think it is going to be a good thing as you will get to know your kids in a new way and so do they. Parents should do more things separate with their kid(s).

 

[lklgoodman]

No experience, but I think it's lovely that your wife has chosen to go to her friend's wedding(and you support the decision). My father died before I was married. His brother and wife went on a cruise instead of coming to my wedding. I was close to them. While I understood all the reasons for them not wanting to miss the cruise, I was still hurt by them choosing it over me. Nearly 20 years later and my mom is still miffed by them not coming. I wasn't told they weren't coming until a few weeks before my wedding, so too late to reschedule it. If you find yourself feeling sad about your wife missing the cruise, just remember why she's not there.

 

[StarSeven7]

I have no advice to give, but I totally understand your feelings OP! My mom has tried to talk me into a few trips (longer than a weekend) without DH (just because of his difficulties getting vacation time - I'm a SAHM so it's not an issue for me!) and I've declined because I knew I would miss DH too much, even though he is supportive and would have no problems with me going without him! A few years ago just DH and I went to Hawaii and left the kids behind with my parents. We had a great time but we both really missed the kids and felt like half of our family was missing so it was hard to fully enjoy it! We're just a really close-knit family and we like to be together a lot! DH and I even watch TV together and never go into separate rooms to watch our own shows - which most people tell us is crazy but I guess we just like spending time together! LOL!

OP, I hope you're able to have a great time on your cruise despite missing your wife!

 

[MomOTwins]

Thanks. The “why” of why we can’t rebook is irrelevant. Not looking for advice, as much as a shared perspective with someone else who had a spouse who needed to drop out.



Thank you. Kids are all old enough where they don’t need much monitoring. Neither I nor my MIL will need to pick up much “slack,” child-care-wise, due to my wife’s absence.

Again, I know it’ll still be fun. But not as fun as it would be if my wife was still coming.

As the wife who had to stay behind on several family vacations due to work, my shared perspective is don’t do it if it is at all humanly possible to move the trip. I have never been more miserable in my life, and it would have meant the world to me if my husband hadn’t done it, even though I gave him permission to go. That’s why I asked why you can’t move the trip.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Not a pending divorce or separation situation or anything like that.

We booked a NOLA cruise on opening day long ago for my wife, three kids, my MIL and myself. All was well until about three months ago when my wife realized that she had been invited to a good friend's wedding that conflicted with our sail dates. She had received the invite a ways back but never "connected the dots" that the two dates overlapped.

Rebooking the cruise was not an option for a multitude of reasons. And my wife's friend has some serious health issues where this wedding was particularly special and important. Suffice it to say that there will be other cruises; there will not be another wedding.

She clearly did not want to miss the wedding, so we agreed that she would go to that and not go on the cruise. And I am totally on-board with this decision, given the circumstances.

But now it's just me, my kids and my MIL (with whom I get along famously) on the cruise. It'll be fine, but it just seems really, really weird (and a little sad) to be taking a family vacation without my wife.

Anyone else ever found themselves in a somewhat similar situation? If so, how did the cruise go, in retrospect?

Yes, most recently, my mom passed away 4 hours before we were due to leave for WDW with two of her great-grand children. Sent the man with the children and stayed at home helping oldest sister complete funeral arraignments for 2 days then joined the rest of my family in FL.
Many years before, the ex was working in the US Virgin Islands while my mother vacationed in Barbados. His father passed away and he had no way to return to France in time for the funeral nor did I. My mom broke off her vac to console the ex in VI.

I'm so glad your change of plans are for far more happier circumstances and the only advice I can give is to take life as it comes. View this vacation as time to connect with your children and MIL without tyour wife's filter. Then at some other point of life visit the same places with your wife alone. As life continues the combination of memories will make it all that much better. JMO and HTH.

 

[motherdaughtercruisers]

I agree with previous posters, think about this as a once in a lifetime opportunity! You are getting an incredible chance to spend intimate time with the kids without having to split your attention between them and your wife - and let me tell you, from your children's perspectives, this will be such a treasured experience for them because to a degree, children also feel that they have to be fair with their attention as well splitting it between mom and dad equally because they love you both the same. I would seriously take this vacation as such a valuable experience that might be hard to come by in the future. I understand it will be hard without your wife, but take this time to put your feelings aside and put the children first and give them an experience with you - you never know why this might have happened... maybe going on this trip will be a profound experience for someone and change the course of their life for the better?

Just my opinion - take it for what it is.

I hope you have a wonderful trip!

 

[GPaLarry]

You might consider doing something we did for our daughter and her family when we did a Med./WBTA a few years ago that they could not go on (our grandkids, all three, we very upset). We asked each of the five who their favorite princess/prince was, then, ala Flat Stanley (look the book up), we made paper images of the characters and replaced the faces with theirs and took them to photograph with us as we experienced excursions, dinners, etc. I know this isn't ideal, but perhaps your wife's spirit could enjoy your cruise.

 

[msmama]

If Mom is staying behind because of something she wants to do, she may look at it as a vacation anyway! Several days without kids is always fun!! If you're feeling guilty and if there's time, get her gift certificate for a massage or something.

That said, when I traveled with my mother, I had to be very clear that we were NOT going to be spending every minute of every day together. My son likes the kids club, I need my alone time. It worked out fine. So you may need to set different expectations traveling without Mom.

Have fun!

 

[squirk]

As the wife who had to stay behind on several family vacations due to work, my shared perspective is don’t do it if it is at all humanly possible to move the trip. I have never been more miserable in my life, and it would have meant the world to me if my husband hadn’t done it, even though I gave him permission to go. That’s why I asked why you can’t move the trip.

Before I discovered the date conflict, a lot of logistics had been locked into place. Put mildly, said logistics would be difficult to unwind. The kids (and my MIL) were all geared up for the Mardi Gras cruise on the "new" (to us) ship. My wife didn't want to be responsible for ruining everyone's good time because she whiffed on the dates.

So, actually, it was the other way around. She was all set to skip the wedding, but I could tell that she really wanted to go - all the more so given her friend's health - so I reassured her that it was OK to do so.

Again, we've been on plenty of cruises, and we'll be on plenty more. So it's not like she'll be missing out on a "once-in-a-lifetime" thing. Further, we've scheduled a WDW trip in late May as a "make-up" family trip of sorts, and we're going to Aulani for Thanksgiving '20, so we'll still get plenty of "entire family" vacation time next year.

Still, I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself on the ship. Kids will go to clubs. My MIL will go off and do her things. I will be left to my own devices, which on the surface sounds kind of cool, but feels weirder and weirder the closer we get to our sailing date.

 

[kj2mom]

I can totally understand that. One year my children were at their dad's for a month and I decided to do a solo trip to Disney World. I soo wanted to go and do whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it, eat whatever I wanted etc etc etc. I was soo excited! While there though I found it wasn't quite the joy that I had anticipated. It could have been partly influenced by the fact my daughter couldn't stop crying when I told her but I just found myself not wanting to do a lot of things because it just didn't feel right doing it without them. I am glad I went and experienced what I did (my friend's daughter was doing Dance With The World, but I might think twice about doing it again. That said, this is not apples to apples since your children will be with you. Maybe look over the navigator each day and decide certain times that you will divide and certain times where you will all be together...or maybe even you with one child then a separate time you and the other child then even more times with you and both children. Treasure a few stolen moment of people watching/relaxing/reading but also make sure everyone knows the schedule (like meals and shows are always experienced together or whatever criteria you set for yourselves). I really think you might be surprised how much you enjoy a little time at the bar chatting with the bartender or the person next to you knowing an hour later you and one of your children has a date to play shuffleboard !

 

[gotomu212]

Both my husband and I have taken solo trips with the kids, and while it started out of a necessity (someone couldn’t get off work/ another time needing to care for a sick relative), it has become a really treasured opportunity that we continue occasionally. There’s just a different dynamic that happens on a trip when it’s just you and the kids. We’ve found ourselves relating very differently to them, treating them older, learning new things about them, and having some real bonding experiences. We’re a normal, happy family, but the solo trips have seemed completely stress free (even when there were little hiccups) and it’s been great to have a few separate fun memories with each kid.

Assuming MIL has her own room, I’d just make sure that she’s okay doing her own thing for stretches of time, and you can plan individual activities with one of the kids at a time, or take time to just relax on your own. if your wife is already on board with the idea, I say embrace it.