Taking in a Homeless Family Member *Update*

[Earstou]

I have talked with her about seeing someone for help, & she quickly shoots the idea down. Assuring me that her mind is healthy. Unless she is threatening to harm herself or others, I can't have her admitted anywhere, already called around & checked. Do to the fact that she for the most part acts normal, I think she could possibly pass a mental health exam, in fact I heard they administer them in the shelters, so it's possible she has passed one already.

If I was in this situation, I would make seeing someone for help a condition for your aunt to continue to live with you.
Plus I would mention to the healthcare professionals what is going on with her AND ask her during the appointment if God is talking to her right now and what is the last thing he told her. See if you can get her talking about it so they can hear what is going on with her.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have talked with her about seeing someone for help, & she quickly shoots the idea down. Assuring me that her mind is healthy.

You have to be in charge here, not her. She is displaying signs of serious mental illness (as I and many others here suspected she would, unfortunately. She may not be competent to make her own decisions, even; she really needs a professional evaluation). You need to be smart about this for the sake of your family. *Right now* I would worry less about her children or other family members (which you cannot control, but will waste precious time trying to), and simply deal with the problem you have within your four walls (which you can).

 

[crisi]

Whatever it takes, get the rest of the family involved, get Aunt medical help. When a doctor tells you she's straightened out, then give her a place to stay for her recovery if you must. As it is now, you are not helping your Aunt; you are helping your aunt's illness.

And putting your own children at risk doing so. Schizophrenia is a big deal. Its dangerous to others. Your first responsibility is to your kids.

 

[bumbershoot]

Even if her insurance wouldn't cover counseling, etc, I bet it could get her diagnosed. And there simply have to be low cost mental health clinics around.

Honestly I think you are now seeing exactly why her children don't help. You might have thought it was because they are awful, but this sort of problem and an unwillingness to help it, along with the lying, will push family members away entirely.

Beyond SSI, I'm jut not understanding why she can't get plain old SS$ based on her ex husband's info. Assuming they were married long enough. Then again, who knows what she would so with the money?

 

[sweetpeakaris]

Her ex was a cab driver, never paid taxes, therefore no work history on file so to speak, just crazy!!!

 

[southlakejr]

It could also be dementia. My great grandmother was never schizophrenic, but suffered a great deal of delusions as she aged and her mental status deteriorated. Of course, there was the obvious memory loss. But other times she couldn't sleep because the pigs under her bed were making too much noise. Or the facility staff was digging a hole to bury her in in her wheelchair. Or the time she was convinced my mom was an imposter because the floating radio had told her my mom had passed. I went to visit her once and she was getting ready for her prom.

Regardless of whether it is schizophrenia, or dementia, or any other form of mental illness, she needs treatment. Perhaps this can be worked into a medical appointment?

 

[mhfrau]

I have talked with her about seeing someone for help, & she quickly shoots the idea down. Assuring me that her mind is healthy. Unless she is threatening to harm herself or others, I can't have her admitted anywhere, already called around & checked. Do to the fact that she for the most part acts normal, I think she could possibly pass a mental health exam, in fact I heard they administer them in the shelters, so it's possible she has passed one already.

Her kids or other family has never tried to help her, so she doesn't have a bad track record with other relatives. Her kids basically don't care, I asked them both if they could send her $10-$20 for some toiletries & I haven't heard back.

First off, I think you are a very noble person for stepping up to take care of your aunt, but, and this is a BIG but, being compassionate and caring does not include putting your own family at risk because of an unstable person. If you have ever had any dealings with someone suffering from any type of delusional illness, including schizophrenia/dementia or otherwise, you would understand that it can potentially go from seemingly harmless to very dangerous very, very quickly.

Please don't allow the "I'm fine" and your not wanting to overstep to guide the situation. Fact of the matter is that you have taken in a person that you feel sorry for, and while I totally commend you for doing that, your first responsibility is to your family... kids, husband and yourself. This is a little "Mom tough love" here, not criticism

I would immediately take her to your county mental health office and get an evaluation. If she balks, then don't give her a choice. Show her the door. If she is truly unable to handle her affairs, you know she won't walk out. If she is talking to someone that isn't there, then she's got some serious issues, and the last thing you want is for that "someone" to tell her to do something to your kids!

Whether or not her kids are involved is not relevant. You took on the responsibility for her as soon as you took her in, so unfortunately, now it is time to put your big girl panties on and seize control of the situation because it's not going away.

 

[C-CMom]

Here's how it works around my locale... one can apply for SSI, and the SSI folks will request records for any existing mental or medical care to determine if a disability is documented. If not documented, they will pay for a separate evaluation to help make the proper determination. If a person is found to have a disability (mental health included), he or she might have some additional eligibility to actually get insurance coverage (such as Medicaid) to provide for appropriate treatment. Does it work exactly this way everywhere? Not entirely sure, but seems worth checking out. Good luck.

 

[Colleen27]

Two suggestions on where to start - call your county health department and find someone who can put you in touch with community mental health programs in your area, and contact the area agency for the aging to inquire about resources there as well. You might want to try your aunt's Medicaid/food stamps caseworker as well - some are more helpful/knowledgeable than others, but the better ones are familiar with a wide range of charitable programs in the area.

This is a difficult situation because your aunt doesn't want to seek help, but in the long run it is best for everyone involved if you force the issue. Be prepared - she might choose homelessness over treatment, and leave rather than comply. But at this point you have to at least try, for her sake and for that of your family.

And FWIW, I don't necessarily agree with the posters who are jumping immediately to potential danger. During their battles with Alzheimer's, both of my grandmothers believed wrong things about the past/family situations and one heard voices (not God, but my deceased grandfather), and according to both doctors that isn't particularly unusual in dementia patients. However, that does come with its own set of risks - the unintentional dangers of someone with dementia trying to cook, for example (we had to shut off the gas to my grandmother's stove when it wasn't in use because she would leave it on, or worse, not realize that the gas was on but the burner hadn't lit).

 

[nunzia]

Indeed, a deity without the sense of timing to avoid interrupting a conversation is one not worth following.

The kind of 'wrong thinking' and unrealistic perception your aunt is conveying to you are very difficult for many people to wrap their heads around. She sounds disassociated from reality at least at times and may be in a very fragile position.

As might you be. To a much lesser degree I was in your aunt's place a decade or so ago. Following a particularly unpleasant event I had a period marked by unrealistic thought. Let's say I never heard the voices but I was willing to believe they were there.

The alienation from my friends and family was the hardest part. But my wife stood by me and we got through it together.

All that being said... your home is not the right place for her. Your avatar pic, that's your little girl? Your other kiddos are young as well? They are your first responsibility. This is not Aunt Broke-her-leg, it's Aunt Hears-God-speak (as the tribal elders would name her). What happens when God tells her to bind up your kid like he told Abraham? She doesn't tell god not to interrupt her when she's speaking, she may not tell Him murdering a baby is a bad deal either.

Whatever it takes, get the rest of the family involved, get Aunt medical help. When a doctor tells you she's straightened out, then give her a place to stay for her recovery if you must. As it is now, you are not helping your Aunt; you are helping your aunt's illness.

Wise advice. And because our mental care system is completely broken, hard to get her the help she needs if she refuses. My brother is a diagnosed bi polar paranoid schizophrenic who also has a genius IQ. It has ruined his life and damaged those around him. He refuses to take his medications as he doesn't like how he feels on tem. This country will not let Alzheimer patients wander the street because they 'feel' like it, but mental health people are allowed to be ill with no one intervening. After ruining his marriage, career, relationship with children and grandchildren and financial destruction my brother ended up in jail for a time where he will probably be at least taken care of until he gets out.
You had a big heart to take in your aunt, even though there were many, as we see valid, red flags beforehand, and I'm afraid getting her out will not be as easy as allowing her in. She must be evaluated, but again, even if she is she would probably not take the medication. There is no easy answer. I would be on guard constantly and never let her be alone with the children. Best of luck to you.

 

[luvmy3]

And FWIW, I don't necessarily agree with the posters who are jumping immediately to potential danger. During their battles with Alzheimer's, both of my grandmothers believed wrong things about the past/family situations and one heard voices (not God, but my deceased grandfather), and according to both doctors that isn't particularly unusual in dementia patients. However, that does come with its own set of risks - the unintentional dangers of someone with dementia trying to cook, for example (we had to shut off the gas to my grandmother's stove when it wasn't in use because she would leave it on, or worse, not realize that the gas was on but the burner hadn't lit).

Potential danger is just that, potential. It doesn't mean its inevitable, I don't think anyone here is saying it will happen. There may be a very very slim chance that the OP's aunt harms anyone, but there is still a slim chance. Would you be willing to risk your children on that? I know I wouldn't. The aunt has not been evaluated so the OP knows nothing of her condition, that is what is "dangerous" about this woman living in her home, with her children.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

Thanks so much for the advice everyone!

My neighbor is a psychiatrist, I didn't want to bother her with my problems but I'm glad I did as she is eager to help. She was able to give me explanations about my aunts behavior in a way it makes total sense. I took my aunt in today for an evaluation at my neighbors office, She doesn't feel that she is a danger at all, but of course can't guarantee. She will have weekly 1hr sessions and we will see how things go.

When my aunt DD died, she left behind 3 children(1 girl, 2 boys), my aunt had raised them from birth until the kids dad won custody & took them away, never saw or heard from them in over 12 yrs. Therefore, my neighbor says that my aunts way of dealing with that pain was to create 3 more grandchildren that she knows dont exist, but it gave her comfort.

As for thinking that God is talking to her. She was homeless for years, with absolutely no family, friends or anyone to talk to. She does believe in God & therefore believe that he was the only one she had by her side & its not uncommon for lonely people to think they hear God or people talking to them. My aunt also told my neighbor that she doesn't remember much about her life prior to becoming homeless, so she is definitely blocking out the pain & trauma she's been through.

In a nut shell, she has been through alot, needs closure, & most of all needs to feel loved. I'm glad that I have someone right next door that has offered her support. My aunt is truely a sweet woman, & deserves to live a healthy, happy life, & I hope I can help her through this. I've seen her grow so much in the 2 weeks she's been here, that I know she really needed to have people around her that care. She is constantly thanking my husband & I for taking her in, she loves being apart of our family.

 

[Colleen27]

Potential danger is just that, potential. It doesn't mean its inevitable, I don't think anyone here is saying it will happen. There may be a very very slim chance that the OP's aunt harms anyone, but there is still a slim chance. Would you be willing to risk your children on that? I know I wouldn't. The aunt has not been evaluated so the OP knows nothing of her condition, that is what is "dangerous" about this woman living in her home, with her children.

If I felt the potential was slim enough, sure. I'm not one to avoid risk at all costs. In this case, I'd push for an evaluation but I wouldn't be leaping to any conclusions in the meantime.

Thanks so much for the advice everyone!

My neighbor is a psychiatrist, I didn't want to bother her with my problems but I'm glad I did as she is eager to help. She was able to give me explanations about my aunts behavior in a way it makes total sense. I took my aunt in today for an evaluation at my neighbors office, She doesn't feel that she is a danger at all, but of course can't guarantee. She will have weekly 1hr sessions and we will see how things go.

When my aunt DD died, she left behind 3 children(1 girl, 2 boys), my aunt had raised them from birth until the kids dad won custody & took them away, never saw or heard from them in over 12 yrs. Therefore, my neighbor says that my aunts way of dealing with that pain was to create 3 more grandchildren that she knows dont exist, but it gave her comfort.

As for thinking that God is talking to her. She was homeless for years, with absolutely no family, friends or anyone to talk to. She does believe in God & therefore believe that he was the only one she had by her side & its not uncommon for lonely people to think they hear God or people talking to them. My aunt also told my neighbor that she doesn't remember much about her life prior to becoming homeless, so she is definitely blocking out the pain & trauma she's been through.

In a nut shell, she has been through alot, needs closure, & most of all needs to feel loved. I'm glad that I have someone right next door that has offered her support. My aunt is truely a sweet woman, & deserves to live a healthy, happy life, & I hope I can help her through this. I've seen her grow so much in the 2 weeks she's been here, that I know she really needed to have people around her that care. She is constantly thanking my husband & I for taking her in, she loves being apart of our family.

So happy to hear it. I love hearing about neighbors helping one another, especially since it is helping you to give your aunt what she needs to get her own life on a more positive track. I hope you are all able to get past any adjustment issues and that this works out to be a blessing all around.

 

[luvmy3]

Thanks so much for the advice everyone!

My neighbor is a psychiatrist, I didn't want to bother her with my problems but I'm glad I did as she is eager to help. She was able to give me explanations about my aunts behavior in a way it makes total sense. I took my aunt in today for an evaluation at my neighbors office, She doesn't feel that she is a danger at all, but of course can't guarantee. She will have weekly 1hr sessions and we will see how things go.

When my aunt DD died, she left behind 3 children(1 girl, 2 boys), my aunt had raised them from birth until the kids dad won custody & took them away, never saw or heard from them in over 12 yrs. Therefore, my neighbor says that my aunts way of dealing with that pain was to create 3 more grandchildren that she knows dont exist, but it gave her comfort.

As for thinking that God is talking to her. She was homeless for years, with absolutely no family, friends or anyone to talk to. She does believe in God & therefore believe that he was the only one she had by her side & its not uncommon for lonely people to think they hear God or people talking to them. My aunt also told my neighbor that she doesn't remember much about her life prior to becoming homeless, so she is definitely blocking out the pain & trauma she's been through.

In a nut shell, she has been through alot, needs closure, & most of all needs to feel loved. I'm glad that I have someone right next door that has offered her support. My aunt is truely a sweet woman, & deserves to live a healthy, happy life, & I hope I can help her through this. I've seen her grow so much in the 2 weeks she's been here, that I know she really needed to have people around her that care. She is constantly thanking my husband & I for taking her in, she loves being apart of our family.

Maybe with your neighbors professional help, and support and love from you and your family your aunt will be be able to heal her old wounds and work on getting herself back. Good luck to you all

 

[shortbun]

Love the way you are willing to step in and help out a family member down on her luck. BRAVO !!!
Kudos!!! And a big hug!

Keep up the good work. God sent you to your aunt! I believe that she will do some healing once she feels safe for a while and has good nutrition and love.
Your neighbor is another blessing. Good luck and good job.