Taking in a Homeless Family Member *Update*

[MrsMork]

Thanks so much for all the advice. Greatly appreciate it!

To answer some of your questions, she is considered physically able, but I am not sure of her mental status, I truly believe that she is suffering from some sort of depression. She has no job skills, has only worked a few years of her life, she had 3 children that were born with a hereditary disease, she cared for them into adulthood, they had children, so she cared for her grandchildren because her adult kids were always in the hospital. Her 2 living children treat her horrible & don't care to help her. My thoughts are they treat her this way because they watched their dad abuse her emotionally & mentally. My aunt has a very sweet personality & has never stood up for herself.

Other family members don't want to help her because they feel as though she could have had a job at least at McDonalds or something & they don't want anyone living with them. While I agree, she is able bodied and could work, maybe I can help her become independent & encourage her to find a job. Because she has not worked enough, she isn't eligible for SSD, only for SSI & according to the website you have to be 65 to get unless you are disabled. She has not been to a DR in years, I plan to get her a check up ASAP. She did tell me her DH divorced her years ago, I don't know anything about his whereabouts but I will see if I can find out if she is eligible for any of his benefits. All this is new to me, I am just trying to help her become independent. She asked for my help, & I just can't turn my back on her like everyone else just because she has never worked.

Your rewards will be great.

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

My prayers are with you. We have twice moved homeless families into our home. Both times moving one of our children out of their room to make sleeping space. Neither related to us. Both times single mother with 2 children. Both times we did not know these families well. Both times we got burned somewhat. But, we did what we could to help and for that we feel good. If we had turned our back when asked for help, I don't think we would be proud of our actions. Do what you know is right and try to help her get the help she needs, whatever that might be.

 

[Colleen27]

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

What you're hearing is correct - most Detroit shelters take a "triage" approach and deal with the immediate problem but not long-term solutions. Often that is because those long-term solutions simply aren't available or take many hours of effort to help just one single person, while putting the same effort into running, funding, equipping the shelter helps many.

If you don't mind sharing, roughly what direction are you in relative to Detroit? It has been a long time since I worked in Wayne County but I still have a few contacts there and I'm familiar with some great resources in my county and the one where I grew up, but I know next to nothing about the west side & downriver 'burbs. Feel free to PM me about it if you want.

I was thinking the exact same thing. If NOBODY in the family is willing to help her, there is probably a good reason for it. If she has spent four years in a shelter and hasn't done what was necessary to get herself on her own two feet, there has to be a reason (she should have at least been on a list for subsidized housing, for example). OP, I hope you aren't getting yourself into a situation where she is going to be with you without contributing forever. If I had five kids and one of them was recovering from a serious illness, they would have to be my priority.

This is what trying to get subsidized housing looks like in Wayne County/Detroit. People camped out overnight in the thousands in January, knowing that most will be turned away empty handed. http://www.wxyz.com/dpp/news/region...-thousands-waiting-in-line-get-out-of-control

That's one thing that moving in with the OP might help - while there are still long waiting lists in suburban counties, it is relatively easier to get subsidized housing in areas where the need isn't as great. Depending on where the OP lives she may well be able to find her aunt a subsidized senior community in less time than the aunt spent homeless. In Detroit, that's not likely to happen.

 

[a742246]

How does your husband feel about this?

 

[Colleen27]

I think what you are doing for her is wonderful, I dont think I'd be able to do that myself. There would always be in the back of my mind that there must be a reason her very own children arent willing to. I know that in some families there are "kids" who are selfish and wont do anything for their elderly parent, but when its all your children, to me that means a red flag. Good luck OP, I hope everything works out for you.

I think the OP may already have touched on that reason - she said the aunt allowed herself to be abused for years. Maybe the kids resent that she never did anything to improve the situation and feels she should lie in the bed she made or maybe they're just following their father's example of how to treat her, but either way I don't find it especially surprising that children who grew up with an abusive relationship modeled for them would be less than loving and attentive to their parents in their old age.

 

[disneylove69]

My mom was in the same situation when I took her in. As far as food stamps went she listed herself as a renter even though we are family it was acceptable with the state. This way they did not use my income. This way she got to keep them.

SSI/Social Security took a lot longer. Though she had doctor's notes saying she could not work due to phiysical and mental issues. She had to get one of those TV atty's where they take part of the money she would get in the retro phase. That took about a year.

There was not much of a financial difference except for electric since my mom had cancer and we had to run heat/ AC more then if it was just me. Her food stamps paid for her food.

 

[luvmy3]

I think the OP may already have touched on that reason - she said the aunt allowed herself to be abused for years. Maybe the kids resent that she never did anything to improve the situation and feels she should lie in the bed she made or maybe they're just following their father's example of how to treat her, but either way I don't find it especially surprising that children who grew up with an abusive relationship modeled for them would be less than loving and attentive to their parents in their old age.

You could be absolutely right. If I was the OP I would have to know the exact reason before I took my aunt in. My decision to do so would depend on that reason and if it was something like you stated that would be fine but I would want to know for sure. But that is just me. I think the OP is doing a great thing, I just hope it doesnt turn out to be the wrong thing for her and her family.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

How does your husband feel about this?

My husband has never liked the fact that my aunt was homeless, it angers him that no one ever helped her. He told me a couple years ago that she could stay here with us, but she insisted staying in the Shelter because she thought she would get her own place, & she always feels as though she is a bother. My husband wants to help her just as much as I do.

 

[Gracie09]

I hope you understand what you have taken on. Most shelters I know of have some programs to get people back on their feet so I would find out what services she was offered and why she did not take them up on them. I would also be prepared to support this person for the rest of their lives. The money she gets probably will not be enough for them to live on so they will have to rely on you for support.
Good luck

 

[MrsMork]

You could be absolutely right. If I was the OP I would have to know the exact reason before I took my aunt in. My decision to do so would depend on that reason and if it was something like you stated that would be fine but I would want to know for sure. But that is just me. I think the OP is doing a great thing, I just hope it doesnt turn out to be the wrong thing for her and her family.

I wonder how one would find out the exact reason her children are not willing to help her. Asking them would get a very biased one sided answer with justification (real or not) as to why they are shirking all responsibility. None of us would say just because Dad taught me to be selfish and not respect Mom, even if that were the truth.

 

[crisi]

I think the OP may already have touched on that reason - she said the aunt allowed herself to be abused for years. Maybe the kids resent that she never did anything to improve the situation and feels she should lie in the bed she made or maybe they're just following their father's example of how to treat her, but either way I don't find it especially surprising that children who grew up with an abusive relationship modeled for them would be less than loving and attentive to their parents in their old age.

I'd lay dollars to donuts that mom wasn't the only one abused and the kids blame mom for not taking responsibility to pull them out. Just from knowing a few friends with similar relationships with their mothers....and I'll give you even odds that mom has or has had a substance abuse problem. Less than even odds that mom did some abusing of her own.

 

[manning]

Thanks so much for all the advice. Greatly appreciate it!

To answer some of your questions, she is considered physically able, but I am not sure of her mental status, I truly believe that she is suffering from some sort of depression. She has no job skills, has only worked a few years of her life, she had 3 children that were born with a hereditary disease, she cared for them into adulthood, they had children, so she cared for her grandchildren because her adult kids were always in the hospital. Her 2 living children treat her horrible & don't care to help her. My thoughts are they treat her this way because they watched their dad abuse her emotionally & mentally. My aunt has a very sweet personality & has never stood up for herself.

Other family members don't want to help her because they feel as though she could have had a job at least at McDonalds or something & they don't want anyone living with them. While I agree, she is able bodied and could work, maybe I can help her become independent & encourage her to find a job. Because she has not worked enough, she isn't eligible for SSD, only for SSI & according to the website you have to be 65 to get unless you are disabled. She has not been to a DR in years, I plan to get her a check up ASAP. She did tell me her DH divorced her years ago, I don't know anything about his whereabouts but I will see if I can find out if she is eligible for any of his benefits. All this is new to me, I am just trying to help her become independent. She asked for my help, & I just can't turn my back on her like everyone else just because she has never worked.

Consider yourself rich. Not financially.

You remind me of a financially poor man I knew. He said his fortune was the love of his life, his wife. You've got your priorities right.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

I have not read through all the posts so please forgive me if this has been mentioned. I would be very careful about bringing a used mattress into your home. You could end up with bedbugs! You definitely don't need to deal with that.

 

[a742246]

My husband has never liked the fact that my aunt was homeless, it angers him that no one ever helped her. He told me a couple years ago that she could stay here with us, but she insisted staying in the Shelter because she thought she would get her own place, & she always feels as though she is a bother. My husband wants to help her just as much as I do.

I wish you the best! But before you take her in, I would think of an exit plan just in case it doesn't work out. To me I would call her adult children and speak to them before doing anything. As others hav said find out about SSI under her ex husband's name. With four years in shelters, she may not be the same person as you remember and with 5 children of your own there can be a safety issue.
Good luck.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

I have not read through all the posts so please forgive me if this has been mentioned. I would be very careful about bringing a used mattress into your home. You could end up with bedbugs! You definitely don't need to deal with that.

I thought about this too, i am a bit of a clean freak. I called my brother about the situation and he volunteered to give me $200 toward a new mattress for her, this will help a great deal. My husband & I organized the basement, got the finished room down there cleared.

Now I need to find the cheapest new mattress set.

She is here now, we had dinner, things are going good so far. She said that she is happy to be around family & seems happy.

 

[MrsMork]

I thought about this too, i am a bit of a clean freak. I called my brother about the situation and he volunteered to give me $200 toward a new mattress for her, this will help a great deal. My husband & I organized the basement, got the finished room down there cleared.

Now I need to find the cheapest new mattress set.

She is here now, we had dinner, things are going good so far. She said that she is happy to be around family & seems happy.

Blessings for you and your family. I'm sure she is very happy to be around family.

 

[shortbun]

I think if you start making calls, you'll get to the bottom of all the services soon. It took me almost no time to discover all about Ohio when we rescued my 59yo cousin. Lots of Ohio's services begin at 60. You also need to find out about low cost medical care-clinics that charge a sliding scale. If she were in Ohio, she wouldn't be getting much in the way of food stamps. Ohio would be giving her about $50 monthly so not a big loss if she loses them living with you.

 

[Mom2Christina]

First I think it is wonderful that you are able to help your Aunt, however, I did not read how well you have known her all of these years and to be honest I am so tired tonight I may have missed, but I thought I read you were not sure of her mental status, possible depression? I do not want to scare you but if that is the case, which is likely especially for someone under her circumstances for sure, she may have a bit of a hard time adjusting. I am no psychologist but I can venture to guess that things might be pleasant at first but complications could arise if some rules are not set right now. Maybe you feel there does not need to be rules, but as someone who has had family members live with me before, issues came to light later on and caused a few problems. For example, does she smoke cigarettes? If so, have you informed her that she cannot smoke around your children or inside the house? Try to think about all of the possibilities including what will happen if she does not seem to want to move out in a year or something goes wrong with her health or her ability to get social security, does not seem to take your advice on getting a job, etc. I wonder whether you are legally responsible for her if she say, stops eating and becomes malnutritioned and you can't get her to eat, if she passes away, etc.

I know the mention of a used mattress was brought up and you said you something along the lines of liking things clean, something came to mind that I hope you do not take offense to. If she has been living in shelters for years, she has been exposed to a lot of sick people, not to mention the possibility of people who carry something like body lice. Please do get her to the doctor as soon as possible and make sure that check for any conditions that she may have been prone to being exposed to. You do not want her bringing any health issues into your home, especially with a child in remission.

Whatever happens, please do not feel that you need to keep her in your home out, if in fact at any time, it is causing you, your husband or your children any stress of any kind. It is simply not worth destroying your own lives in the name of helping another. Always remember that you can seek the help of agencies if need be and explain to her in a loving way that it is not working out or that you can't afford to have her there any longer, etc. If it takes going straight to those family members that have shunned her, then perhaps that will be necessary at that time. My family was almost destroyed due to taking in a family member that could no longer help themselves (not homeless, another situation). Just please I urge you to remember yourself in this situation.

I mentioned that I did not know how much contact you have had with your Aunt over the years. If there has been some time between seeing her, I would consider calling the shelter back and asking them about her. Maybe they can let you know if there are any issues of concern for depression or anything.

I truly hope that you do not have any issues and you can find that this is a rewarding experience for yourself and your family. I feel that if you arm yourself with the what-ifs and the answers to those questions, things will go smoother in the event that the what-ifs occur. Good luck hun.

 

[Mom2Christina]

Thanks so much for all the advice. Greatly appreciate it!

To answer some of your questions, she is considered physically able, but I am not sure of her mental status, I truly believe that she is suffering from some sort of depression. She has no job skills, has only worked a few years of her life, she had 3 children that were born with a hereditary disease, she cared for them into adulthood, they had children, so she cared for her grandchildren because her adult kids were always in the hospital. Her 2 living children treat her horrible & don't care to help her. My thoughts are they treat her this way because they watched their dad abuse her emotionally & mentally. My aunt has a very sweet personality & has never stood up for herself.

This concerns me, do you know her children? Can you go to them and simply ask what the problems were between them? If it were me, I would be concerned, she cared for her grandchildren while her children were sick in hospitals and yet her children have turned their back on their mother. That does not add up to me. Unless her children are suffering mental illness, I do not agree that they would treat her this way because they learned it from watching their Dad abuse her emotionally and mentally. I would think that they would love her and care for her that much more, if they were to have seen that sort of thing going on; again, not to mention all that she has done for them in watching their grandchildren. This is kind of a red flag of concern to me. I would want to know the answers.

Another thing came to mind. She may need clothing, personal hygiene items, etc. You said you are on one income and have a large family. Your original question was about the mattress and any other help...I just thought it would be a good idea NOT TO ASK her what she needs, simply provide things to her WHEN/IF you can. Otherwise, it could become a habit (without any bad intentions on her part of course) that she could start asking for things. I am just assuming she may have needs like clothing, shoes, glasses, etc. If she were to start asking and it is something you cannot afford, I would be honest about it. However, if she does start asking for things, it would give you the ability to suggest even a side job. You mentioned wanting to motivate her, assuming she will be willing. Even if it is not in the workforce, there may be other things she can do. Not knowing her full health abilities, perhaps housekeeping or dog walking in the neighborhood? Getting into the workforce at her age might not only be hard but not really be something she is interested in doing, especially with not much history in the workforce to begin with. You may have to sit down and brainstorm about what she can do, what her interests are.

 

[Jerseymomof2]

I thought about this too, i am a bit of a clean freak. I called my brother about the situation and he volunteered to give me $200 toward a new mattress for her, this will help a great deal. My husband & I organized the basement, got the finished room down there cleared.

Now I need to find the cheapest new mattress set.

She is here now, we had dinner, things are going good so far. She said that she is happy to be around family & seems happy.

We just got a twin mattress/box spring set at Sam's club for $198.00

I think what your doing is great. We took in an uncle and cousin for 8 weeks when they lost their house. They got it together and now 3 of them live in a 1 bedroom apartment but they are making it work. I hope it works out for the best for you and your family.

 

[wide awake]

Now that the aunt is there the only thing left to do is get paperwork going for SS, and if at all possible write out a plan for the aunt to move on, for example putting in at least 5 job applications a week. There are a ton of red flags here, and I am afraid the OP is going to be taken for a ride...along w/ her husband and children. There is at least one reason, and probably many, that her closer relatives aren't willing to help out. At the very least I'd be telling the aunt that she could stay no longer than a year, and after that she would move back into the shelter...but of course it is a lot harder to get rid of someone than it is to help them move in.
Finally, I don't know how old the OP is, but it sounds as if 64 sounds ancient to her...I'm 51 and I can say that 64 doesn't sound too old to me to at least try to support yourself. Especially since aunt didn't qualify for disability, either mental or physical.
Perhaps this will all work out, and the aunt is truly a victim, but I wouldn't bet tomorrow's lunch on that.