Taking in a Homeless Family Member *Update*

[TLS4Mickey]

I see you have gotten a lot of good advice. I went through a similar situation about 7 or 8 years ago with my Uncle. He had a pretty good job and worked at the same place for 35 years, never married or had children. My brother and I were like children to him and we loved him and always had so much fun with him (I am talking of him in past tense because he passed away this past Spring). But when he lost his job of 35 years, he also, lost his house, car and everything. He didn't want to tell anyone he was have these problems, but, he did confide, somewhat in my Mother - who is his sister. But, she didn't know the extent of it. She knew he was living in a mens shelter and she went to visit him and they told her he hadn't lived there in a couple months. They had heard he had been sleeping in a park. She went looking for him and found him and took him to get something to eat. She called me crying and didn't know what to do. He was sleeping in a park and kids would kick him while he was sleeping. I told her to bring him to my house we would figure something out. She couldn't take him in for many reasons. So, he slept on my couch for a few weeks, because I didn't have any extra room at that time. But atleast he had shelter and warm meals everyday. But I worked hard in getting him some help. I called our public assistance office and told them he was homeless (I didn't let on that he was staying with me only that he was there to have dinner with us, that day) and they got him signed up for food stamps and medical and referred me to our local county housing authority. I called them and because he was homeless, they moved him up on the waiting list and he had an apartment in about 3 weeks. But he needed to have some kind of income to live in that apartment. It went by your income (I think 30% of your income was the cost of rent). We got him a doctors appointment because it was obvious that he had some health issues and the Doctor asked if he was apply for social security, but we told her he wasn't 65, yet (he was 60). She said that social security disabilty is for people who are disabled or too unhealthy to hold down a job - which he was in very poor health. (he had Emphysema, for sure, but they needed to do some test to see why he would get these attacks where he would black out and get dizzy, weak, etc - later we found out they were panic attacks and anxiety). Anyway, there is my story and hopefully you can get you Aunt some help. I did see that she got turned down for ssi. Everybody gets turned down the first time. If you get an attorney who specializes in social security, that should really help. They won't cost you anything, they will simply use her ssi settlement as payment. She's old enough that any health issues she has will be enough for ssi. Also, someone mentioned about her husbands social security and that is a good point. If they were married more than 10 years, she is eligible for that (but you do have to be 65). But, if she applies, again, for ssi, she will be eligible for cash through public assistance until they make a ruling on her ssi. Then sh will have income to move into public housing. I know things are bad in Detroit, but, maybe, your area is better off and you could look into public housing in your area. If you tell them she's homeless, they will move her to the top of the list. And atleast then she will have her own apartment. Then if she's denied again for ssi, she could get a part time job so, at least she'll be able to show income to her landlord. Good luck!!!

 

[LovesTimone]

I worked in the Health care field for 12 years, in Long term care. If your Aunt has been living in a shelter, receiving food stamp or other assistance, she should have a case worker.

I am not understanding why she has not applied for SSI disability, the case worker would have done this for her, if she is not able to it. If your Aunt can appear to get food stamps or call in or what ever your states process. This is a red flag.

While she does not have Medicare, due to her age. She most likely has Medicaid or will qualify for it as she receives food stamps. With that said, it she has some type of depression, or other mental health issues, you might be able to get her into a nursing home situation. There are state and government funded ones. As well as church funded ones. Which again if she is getting food stamps she might be eligible for.

I have worked in several facilities like this, and while not fancy, she will have a bed, 3meals a day, medical care. She will get the care she needs. This is a better option to living in a shelter or on the streets.

I re-read this several times, and something's are not adding up, on what you are being told by your Aunt. I am looking at this from a professional point of view. The facts are the facts, no one else is willing to take her, there is a reason. When it comes to family, I understand that you have the knee jerk reaction to help, I know I would, but look at it this way. If a friend was telling you this story, what would you think and be honest with yourself.

There are all kinds of red flags here, Please take a closer look into this before allowing her to come live with you. You could not realize there are a lot of underlying issue's drugs, alcohol problems, that you could bring into your home, and around your children. Also the habits that she could have picked up while living in a shelter, could be detrimental to you and your family's safety, health and well-being.

Whatever you decide, make sure you have a plan. What is she going to be responsible for while living with you, Will she be helping out by cleaning, watching the children, cooking meals for the family? A time line for when she is expect to be out and on her own. How many job application a week. Then if she does not keep her end of the agreement you must be ready to put her out. While harsh, you have to protect your children and yourself.

I have seen well meaning family members take someone on, and end up with another mouth to feed, and personal items being borrow and sold. With this comes, the I can't because or I will later, and it never happens.

Whatever you decide. I wish you luck and pixie dust.

 

[Colleen27]

I worked in the Health care field for 12 years, in Long term care. If your Aunt has been living in a shelter, receiving food stamp or other assistance, she should have a case worker.

I am not understanding why she has not applied for SSI disability, the case worker would have done this for her, if she is not able to it. If your Aunt can appear to get food stamps or call in or what ever your states process. This is a red flag.

While she does not have Medicare, due to her age. She most likely has Medicaid or will qualify for it as she receives food stamps. With that said, it she has some type of depression, or other mental health issues, you might be able to get her into a nursing home situation. There are state and government funded ones. As well as church funded ones. Which again if she is getting food stamps she might be eligible for.

I just wanted to address some of this because while you have some very good points, some of the red flags you're seeing are state differences...

Having a food stamp case worker in Detroit isn't much help with obtaining other services. They're swamped just dealing with the applications in front of them and generally don't offer much in terms of human support of advice. She does have a case worker, but odds are it is just a name on an application, someone she's talked to once when opening the case and who mails out redetermination forms as needed. They state has been offering early retirement packages to workers since I was there, 15+ years ago, and is hiring roughly one worker for every five retirees. Combine that with the upsurge in need since the start of the "great recession" and case workers just aren't the resource they once were unless you are very proactive in seeking advice.

Second, Michigan doesn't offer medicaid to adults unless they are disabled or the sole caregiver to a minor child. There are county medical programs for adults living in poverty but again there's a big issue of resources vs need and needing to be proactive to know when and how to enroll. I helped a family member negotiate the process in Macomb county (just outside of Detroit) and I can't imagine how a homeless or depressed person would get through it without someone with a sound mind and a stable situation to help.

 

[danielle79]

God bless you for taking care of your Aunt when her own kids won't. I don't know why but I believe you are doing the right thing. My suggestion was going to be approach a manager at a furniture/mattress store and explain your situation I bet they can get something brand new for you very cheap. I work at a furniture store and I know "big wigs" love to do things like this. If the manager isn't helpful ask for a contact for someone higher up. If you were closer to my area I would get you a contact and you would probably get a free bed. Good luck to you and your family!

 

[ChristineNic]

Qualifying for SSI benefits for a disability is not easy, escpecially if your aunt has not been receiving regular medical care. Get her to a doctor for a physical and mental status exam. Make sure she continues with any and all care as much as possible (medication ect.)

Reapply for SSI disability. If she is denied again, ask SSA to reconsider. If she is denied at the recon level, hire an attorney and file a request for a hearing before a judge.

A lot of disability applications are denied because the claimant is not being treated for any chronic problems and thus there is no medical record documenting the health problems. Unfortunately, a lot people do not seek treatment for chronic issues because they can't afford medical care. It is a sad and vicious circle.

I hope everything works out for your family.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

As for her own children, her DD is mentally ill & is physically sick all the time. She hasn't seen her son in 10 years, he put a gun to her head & threatened to kill her because she would not tell him where his girlfriend was hiding (he was abusing his girlfriend). She is afraid of her son, & her DD treats her horrible & blames her for her hereditary illness.

 

[scoutie]

if she is good with children perhaps a live in nanny position would be feasable for her?

I would never hire a live in nanny whose mental situation may be unstable (according to the OP), is homeless, and has no references.

 

[it's kelly]

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

First off, what you're doing for your Aunt is great and I think with some positive influence she may start feeling better which can help her with her self confidence. Maybe she will be able to find some sort of job, fast food or grocery store and help out. It certainly wouldn't be enough to support herself fully but maybe she can help out with the rise in some bills with her stay.

Also, love to hear your son is beating the beast! My best friend's 7 year old lost his 5 1/2 year Neuroblastoma battle in February of this year. We both promised him his passing wouldn't be in vain and we do everything we can for the NB and childhood cancer world.

 

[Doodlebug939]

I feel for your situation. I am in a situation where my mom lives with us about 6 months out of the year. (In the winter she is in a senior area in Florida) So I do know what it is like to have someone in the home long term.

My points are based on my experience and just some words of wisdom that I have learned along the way.

We have been doing this for the past 8 years and I am thankful to have my mom here. She is a blessing. But that does not mean that there are not hick ups.

1. I am a mom first and foremost to my children but Mimi sometimes oversteps her boundaries. (Nothing abusive-move of making a mountain out of a mole hill)

2. I am her best friend and she depends on me for everything social. I have tried to get her involved in local stuff to no avail. This leaves very little room for me to see my friends when she is here because she makes me feel guilty. (Again my fault for not standing my ground but a mothers guilt is pretty powerful )

3. Cant talk freely to my husband in the living room, kitchen or any public space. Not that we have any issues but keeping information till bed is sometimes difficult. It is just the freedom of being able to chat about things financial, relationship, or other that doesn't need my mothers ears.

Again having her here is a blessing and I am thankful that my laundry is always done. Even though my water bill takes a hit from all of the small loads.

But there are negatives that you have to work out as a family to make the transition easy.

 

[a742246]

I think what you and your husband is doing is quite noble. Now that she moved in with you feel free to post anything that can help you cope.
I had a MIL (85+) move in with us for a couple of months so I have some knowledge.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

Added a update.

 

[okeydokey]

Wow, sounds like you have a long year ahead of you.

You may want to re-post the update here at the end of the thread to make it easier for folks to see.

As far as finding mental health coverage, I would start with a call to your local county or city health department. They can probably help you find services in your area. Your Aunt has no income so she should be able to get some kind of coverage. There may be an elder affairs office in your city or town as well.

Good luck. I hope it goes well for you all.

 

[luvmy3]

Update: 8/14-

It's been 2.5 weeks since I took my homeless aunt in. Things are going ok, but I have some concerns & I'm not sure what to do. First off, she has a form of Adult Mecicaid with very limited coverage, no vision, dental, or mental health services.

I'm no Doctor, but I think she has Mental Health issues. She claims that God talks to her & tells her everything I'm thinking, & tells her everything she needs to do. She went years without Food Stamps & Indentification because God told her she didn't need those things. She will start a conversation with me, then will say "shhh, God is talking to me". Now, we do believe in God, & I grew up in a Christain household, but I think her behavior is a bit odd.

Also, she says a lot of things that are not true. I had another aunt that had a breast biopsy(small nodule removed) due to suspected Cancer, all results were negative. However, this aunt tried telling me that breast cancer runs in the family & aunt D had her whole breast cut off because she had cancer. I talk to aunt D everyday, so I know this is untrue. She also claims to have 3 biracial grand kids that live in California, I spoke to her son, & this is not true. He only has 2 children & has never visited California. When I was talking to her about a senior living apartment that my uncle lives in, she told me that building was for women with hip replacements, again not true. She can't get SSI till 65, unless she has a disability, I'm thinking she has a undianosed mental illness, not sure how to go about getting her help since her medical insurance doesn't cover mental health. I also don't know how much longer I can tolerate her lies or delussional thoughts.

Other than that, she cleans my home, keeps herself clean, & interacts good with the kids.

OP, I think based on your update you need to get her children involved. Your heart was in the right place but you rushed in to help her without really knowing anything about her. While you can't throw her out on the streets, it really isnt fair for you (and your dh and kids) to have the responsibilty of this woman's medical issues- its her kids.
Good luck.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

The biggest question, IMO, is whether she's a danger to herself, you or your family. And that cannot be answered without a full evaluation. What if God tells her to burn the house down? Or harm your children? There may be a good reason she has nobody else in her life. (Not saying it's right, or that she's not worthy of help, but perhaps others have just already BTDT with her.) It's noble of you to want to help her, but you shouldn't do it if it means putting yourself and your family at risk. Please get some professional advice ASAP.

 

[luvmy3]

The biggest question, IMO, is whether she's a danger to herself, you or your family. And that cannot be answered without a full evaluation. What if God tells her to burn the house down? Or harm your children? There may be a good reason she has nobody else in her life. (Not saying it's right, or that she's not worthy of help, but perhaps others have just already BTDT with her.) It's noble of you to want to help her, but you shouldn't do it if it means putting yourself and your family at risk. Please get some professional advice ASAP.

Yes, this can't be stressed enough.

 

[Mrs D]

Just stepped into this thread, read your post and update but not all the replies.

My Dad was Bi Polar Manic Depressive. It took a sever Psychotic Episode to get diagnosed. In that episode he told me God was talking to him through the television and he was writing a book to accompany the Bible. With the help of family we were able to convince him to check himself into the hospital where he was evaluated and began to receive to meds & therapy. He did follow up with outpatient therapy.

I wish I had a good end to the story. He never liked the meds he had to take, completely ignored (and never disclosed) major health issues and died of heart failure just over a year after his diagnoses. Personally, I think he didn't care to live anymore and ignored the heart issues.

If you can't convince the Aunt to check herself into the hospital then you would need to call the police with information that she is either a threat to herself or others and she could potentially be involuntarily checked in.

I would think very long and hard before putting my children in proximity with a mentally unstable relative. You just never know if/when they may snap.

Good luck and good on you for having your heart in the right place. Perhaps you can help her by getting her connecting with the services she needs.

 

[heartsy77]

I am a nurse and hearing voices or communications from God is a huge indicator of schizophrenia! Taker her to your local county mental health office for an evaluation. They usually do it for free or like 5$ an visit! She needs help!

 

[sweetpeakaris]

I have talked with her about seeing someone for help, & she quickly shoots the idea down. Assuring me that her mind is healthy. Unless she is threatening to harm herself or others, I can't have her admitted anywhere, already called around & checked. Do to the fact that she for the most part acts normal, I think she could possibly pass a mental health exam, in fact I heard they administer them in the shelters, so it's possible she has passed one already.

Her kids or other family has never tried to help her, so she doesn't have a bad track record with other relatives. Her kids basically don't care, I asked them both if they could send her $10-$20 for some toiletries & I haven't heard back.

 

[heartsy77]

I have talked with her about seeing someone for help, & she quickly shoots the idea down. Assuring me that her mind is healthy. Unless she is threatening to harm herself or others, I can't have her admitted anywhere, already called around & checked. Do to the fact that she for the most part acts normal, I think she could possibly pass a mental health exam, in fact I heard they administer them in the shelters, so it's possible she has passed one already.

Her kids or other family has never tried to help her, so she doesn't have a bad track record with other relatives. Her kids basically don't care, I asked them both if they could send her $10-$20 for some toiletries & I haven't heard back.

A good phycologist, with experience, would see through what she would tell them. The fact that she thinks she has grandkids she doesn't in Cali means she is also having delusions. ANOTHER INDICATOR !
The fact she has been homeless for four year is another one as well.
I would call Mental Health explain it to them and tell her whatever you have to get her to go for an eval.
I'm not trying to scare you, as it seems she isn't violent, but schizophrenia is tough mental illness. It can be managed with meds and close monitoring.
Good Luck ! I think you are DH are great people for helping her!

 

[cobright]

She will start a conversation with me, then will say "shhh, God is talking to me". Now, we do believe in God, & I grew up in a Christain household, but I think her behavior is a bit odd.

Indeed, a deity without the sense of timing to avoid interrupting a conversation is one not worth following.

The kind of 'wrong thinking' and unrealistic perception your aunt is conveying to you are very difficult for many people to wrap their heads around. She sounds disassociated from reality at least at times and may be in a very fragile position.

As might you be. To a much lesser degree I was in your aunt's place a decade or so ago. Following a particularly unpleasant event I had a period marked by unrealistic thought. Let's say I never heard the voices but I was willing to believe they were there.

The alienation from my friends and family was the hardest part. But my wife stood by me and we got through it together.

All that being said... your home is not the right place for her. Your avatar pic, that's your little girl? Your other kiddos are young as well? They are your first responsibility. This is not Aunt Broke-her-leg, it's Aunt Hears-God-speak (as the tribal elders would name her). What happens when God tells her to bind up your kid like he told Abraham? She doesn't tell god not to interrupt her when she's speaking, she may not tell Him murdering a baby is a bad deal either.

Whatever it takes, get the rest of the family involved, get Aunt medical help. When a doctor tells you she's straightened out, then give her a place to stay for her recovery if you must. As it is now, you are not helping your Aunt; you are helping your aunt's illness.