Taking in a Homeless Family Member *Update*

[sweetpeakaris]

Thanks so much for all the advice. Greatly appreciate it!

To answer some of your questions, she is considered physically able, but I am not sure of her mental status, I truly believe that she is suffering from some sort of depression. She has no job skills, has only worked a few years of her life, she had 3 children that were born with a hereditary disease, she cared for them into adulthood, they had children, so she cared for her grandchildren because her adult kids were always in the hospital. Her 2 living children treat her horrible & don't care to help her. My thoughts are they treat her this way because they watched their dad abuse her emotionally & mentally. My aunt has a very sweet personality & has never stood up for herself.

Other family members don't want to help her because they feel as though she could have had a job at least at McDonalds or something & they don't want anyone living with them. While I agree, she is able bodied and could work, maybe I can help her become independent & encourage her to find a job. Because she has not worked enough, she isn't eligible for SSD, only for SSI & according to the website you have to be 65 to get unless you are disabled. She has not been to a DR in years, I plan to get her a check up ASAP. She did tell me her DH divorced her years ago, I don't know anything about his whereabouts but I will see if I can find out if she is eligible for any of his benefits. All this is new to me, I am just trying to help her become independent. She asked for my help, & I just can't turn my back on her like everyone else just because she has never worked.

 

[KY*Figment]

The whole STATE isn't in bankruptcy!!!! Just Detroit. The state itself is actually doing really well right now outside of Detroit (from a fellow Michigander)

My mistake.

 

[ilovemk76]

My 64yr old Aunt called me today, told me that she has stayed her limit at all Shelters & needs a place to stay until she can get on SSI at age 65(July 2014).
She has been living in Shelters for over 4yrs. She basically spent her life caring for her sick children, her DD died, husband left her homeless.

Long story short, we are the only ones willing to help her. I have family that are in a better financial position than us, but they are selfish. We have 5 kids, live on one income & honestly don't know how we will care for another person, but its only the right thing to do. We are picking her up tomorrow & I need ideas or resources for help. She told me she has a medical card & gets food stamps. Will she still get them if she moves in with us? I have a partially finished room in the basement, but no bed or TV down there.

I already use coupons, time showers, shop sales only. Any other ideas to stretch funds? Is there anywhere that will donate a bed or offer any kind of help?

Thanks!

Thanks so much for all the advice. Greatly appreciate it!

To answer some of your questions, she is considered physically able, but I am not sure of her mental status, I truly believe that she is suffering from some sort of depression. She has no job skills, has only worked a few years of her life, she had 3 children that were born with a hereditary disease, she cared for them into adulthood, they had children, so she cared for her grandchildren because her adult kids were always in the hospital. Her 2 living children treat her horrible & don't care to help her. My thoughts are they treat her this way because they watched their dad abuse her emotionally & mentally. My aunt has a very sweet personality & has never stood up for herself.

Other family members don't want to help her because they feel as though she could have had a job at least at McDonalds or something & they don't want anyone living with them. While I agree, she is able bodied and could work, maybe I can help her become independent & encourage her to find a job. Because she has not worked enough, she isn't eligible for SSD, only for SSI & according to the website you have to be 65 to get unless you are disabled. She has not been to a DR in years, I plan to get her a check up ASAP. She did tell me her DH divorced her years ago, I don't know anything about his whereabouts but I will see if I can find out if she is eligible for any of his benefits. All this is new to me, I am just trying to help her become independent. She asked for my help, & I just can't turn my back on her like everyone else just because she has never worked.

It certainly seems her immediate family, ex-DH and children, really treated her badly and took advantage of her.

I can also understand why others would not want her to move in. She has lived "off of others" for four year and says it will only be for another year. I would not be surprised if this is for the rest of her life. Once she gets her SSI, will she really move out or just see it as her money and stay and stay?

I would not make this decision lightly. You obligation is to your immediate family, as she did with hers, first.

For four years she could/would not work.

Food stamps, in my state, are based on the household income. Here you would lose them.

 

[auralia]

Don't do it like she is moving in with you. Draw up a lease and "charge her rent". Then she will not lose her aid as she is merely renting from family. I would actually charge what ever is in the lease even if it is 10$ just so it is all legal. I have been told this by a couple of doctors in regards to a teenager on medicaid that almost had to live with me for a bit. To have a lease and charge a pittance so she isn't a member of our household for her aid purposes. She never did end up with us, but this was the advice i received.

Could she watch the kids while you get a part time job perhaps to help supplement if you really want to help this would be an option that wouldn't affect her aid. If your children are school age it could even be a cafeteria job in a school so you will be home when they are and have holidays off? just a thought.

 

[auralia]

if she is good with children perhaps a live in nanny position would be feasable for her? if it is something she enjoys and you are in an area where there is need. Where we are near a military base one of my friends had a live in nanny (she was military and her DH had a job that required lots of traavel), then nanny divorced and had raised her children and then dumped by her husband with not much of anything. She paid her about 1000$ a month and provided a car and a bedroom in the house with kitchen privileges. It was a better deal then daycare and for the woman it was a good launching pad to becoming independent

 

[drcmk]

maybe I can help her become independent & encourage her to find a job.

I would not rely on "maybe." I would insist that she hold some kind of paying job (or volunteer to get skills and experience) and participate actively in treatment for any physical or mental health problems as a condition of living in your house. I'd also consider collecting some kind of rent--even a nominal amount. This gets her into the habit of paying rent and having bills and allows you to either save that money for her as a down payment for her own place to live or let's you offset the cost of having another person in the home.

Finally, I would establish some ground rules--maybe no smoking, no drinking, no pets, no overnight guests--whatever is important to you.

Write this all down and have her sign it and maybe even get it notarized. This is just to prevent you from being taken advantage of and to reduce her dependence, since she has been in the habit of being dependent.

I'm not sure why all of these shelters never required her to get a job or job training. That is standard here. What has she been doing all day for four years?

 

[lucyem]

My MIL claimed Social Security at 62 or 63. She claimed it based on her ex husband's income all the years they were married. But claiming it early means you get less.

OP honestly I would be a little wary of this situation. To me that she has lived in shelters for 4 years is a red flag. I would start out helping her find information and see what her options are before bringing her into your house. She gets food stamps - does she have some sort of contact, social worker, who you can go in with her and talk to? Spend some time with her and make sure it is the right thing to do for all of you.

 

[Jeff_G]

I'm not sure why all of these shelters never required her to get a job or job training. That is standard here. What has she been doing all day for four years?

I dont get that either, in my area the shelters would be working with the individual to get them some form of job training. Unless of course the person did not want to try and work.

Depression could be a major factor here, in which case she should be seeking treatment for that. depression can lead to a disability rating from social security but that is a difficult road to travel.

I agree with others, you may be walking into a situation that will become very burdensome on your family, not only financially but emotionally.

It is great you want to help, but do remember your first obligation is to your own children and husband.

Make sure whet ever you do you are helping her up out of her current situation and not just continuing a pattern of behavior.

I would insist she work if able bodied if that mean house work or watching your children. Sit down and talk about the long term plan and where she will want to be in a year or two and how she will get there. What short term goal are needed to make that long term plan. Write down that plan and those goals.

Good luck, remember to take care of yourself too in this midst of all of this.

 

[Aliceacc]

Contact your local Department of the Aging. Here ate 2 to get you started:http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/handbook/gettingstarted/usingeldercare.html and http://www.michigan.gov/osa

With a little hunting, you should find someone who is in a real position to give you the answers to your questions. Speak to someone there about the points that have been brought up here about ground rules, employment, and other matters.

You're doing a wonderful thing. Not just for your aunt, but for your children. You're teaching them compassion and the importance of family.

 

[luvthemouse71]

I would be wary of the aunt watching the OP's or anyone's kids until it is determined what issues she has. I'm not saying she is a bad person, but if she has mental issues, you need to be careful.

I would make contacting social services my first step. Also, the lease idea is a great one.

 

[allison443]

Could she watch the kids while you get a part time job perhaps to help supplement if you really want to help this would be an option that wouldn't affect her aid. If your children are school age it could even be a cafeteria job in a school so you will be home when they are and have holidays off? just a thought.

If the aunt is capable of watching OP's kids, couldn't the aunt get a job babysitting? Or maybe the aunt can get the job in the school cafeteria.
(Of course this is assuming she is mentally able to watch kids)

OP you have a good heart. I just think you should carefully check out this situation because once your aunt is with you it's not clear if she will ever have the ability to move out. Best of luck to you.

 

[Bete]

To collect on her divorced husband's social security she needs to have been married to him for 10 years or more. Also, the ex husband has to be eligible to collect. Not sure how good it will be because it depends on how much he worked and also she gets reduced benefits because they are divorced and her age will cause a reduction, too. I would certainly check it all out. You may need to prove she was married to her ex husband like with a marriage license. She may not have that paper work considering she has been homeless. You may have to do some work to get a duplicate copy of her marriage license.

She could be a help at your home if she is willing to do some housework. It might be good for your children to have an aunt near by.

If you don't have much luck with charities and such to get a bed then I would consider an air mattress or cot for the time being.

If she is unfit mentally then she may qualify for disability benefits. This would probably give her more.

Thank-you for caring.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

Just wanted to say you sound like a truly good, generous person who is going through a lot of hardship right now.

 

[plummer925]

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

You sound like a godsend to her! I will be praying for your whole family!!

 

[luvmy3]

I read that you said there are other relatives who are being selfish and don't want to care for her. Does that include her own children ( if she has any)? If there's no family friction with them and they're using you as a doormat then they should be reamed out and your aunt should be dropped off at their house.

I cant imagine there not being any friction. Why on earth would any of your kids not be willing to help you if there wasnt?

Thanks so much for all the advice. Greatly appreciate it!

To answer some of your questions, she is considered physically able, but I am not sure of her mental status, I truly believe that she is suffering from some sort of depression. She has no job skills, has only worked a few years of her life, she had 3 children that were born with a hereditary disease, she cared for them into adulthood, they had children, so she cared for her grandchildren because her adult kids were always in the hospital. Her 2 living children treat her horrible & don't care to help her. My thoughts are they treat her this way because they watched their dad abuse her emotionally & mentally. My aunt has a very sweet personality & has never stood up for herself.

Other family members don't want to help her because they feel as though she could have had a job at least at McDonalds or something & they don't want anyone living with them. While I agree, she is able bodied and could work, maybe I can help her become independent & encourage her to find a job. Because she has not worked enough, she isn't eligible for SSD, only for SSI & according to the website you have to be 65 to get unless you are disabled. She has not been to a DR in years, I plan to get her a check up ASAP. She did tell me her DH divorced her years ago, I don't know anything about his whereabouts but I will see if I can find out if she is eligible for any of his benefits. All this is new to me, I am just trying to help her become independent. She asked for my help, & I just can't turn my back on her like everyone else just because she has never worked.

I think what you are doing for her is wonderful, I dont think I'd be able to do that myself. There would always be in the back of my mind that there must be a reason her very own children arent willing to. I know that in some families there are "kids" who are selfish and wont do anything for their elderly parent, but when its all your children, to me that means a red flag. Good luck OP, I hope everything works out for you.

 

[MichelleVW]

I just spoke to a worker at the Shelter, she did confirm that my aunt has to be out today as her 90days are up. She told me that the majority of the shelters have closed & she called around for 2 days trying to find placement or her with no luck, you have to wait 1 yr after your stay for help again. The worker also told me they helped her apply for SSI but she got turned down due to not having a disability, so they advised her to wait till 65 to reapply, & it would be approved do to age. I have no idea why they have not helped her with finding a job, Detroit has a high unemployment rate

I live in a suburb, about 40-50mins from Detroit, & I am hearing that the shelters in Detroit really don't help people become independent or offer job training. I do know that the city has a lot of poor & homeless people. My husband is going to pick her up around 4pm today. I have a busy week ahead of me, but I have faith that it will be worth it & I can help her turn her life around.

Me getting a job & her watching my kids are out of the question for now. I have a son in remission from Neuroblastoma Cancer, & he has a lot of Dr appointments due to some long term complications from treatment, plus my 2 yr old is quite busy, I am very busy with 5 kids, this is why I quit work to stay home for a few years.

I do not want to enable my aunt, do I will push her to get a job & become independent.

You sound really sweet, but get ready for her to move in and stay forever. If she's 64 and has lived in shelters for 4 years I can't see her changing and becoming independent no matter what you do.

 

[scrapquitler]

I cant imagine there not being any friction. Why on earth would any of your kids not be willing to help you if there wasnt?



I think what you are doing for her is wonderful, I dont think I'd be able to do that myself. There would always be in the back of my mind that there must be a reason her very own children arent willing to. I know that in some families there are "kids" who are selfish and wont do anything for their elderly parent, but when its all your children, to me that means a red flag. Good luck OP, I hope everything works out for you.

I was thinking the exact same thing. If NOBODY in the family is willing to help her, there is probably a good reason for it. If she has spent four years in a shelter and hasn't done what was necessary to get herself on her own two feet, there has to be a reason (she should have at least been on a list for subsidized housing, for example). OP, I hope you aren't getting yourself into a situation where she is going to be with you without contributing forever. If I had five kids and one of them was recovering from a serious illness, they would have to be my priority.

 

[irishsharon]

Prayers for you and your family, you are doing a wonderful thing for your aunt.

 

[bumbershoot]

Contact your local Department of the Aging. Here ate 2 to get you started:http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/handbook/gettingstarted/usingeldercare.html and http://www.michigan.gov/osa

With a little hunting, you should find someone who is in a real position to give you the answers to your questions. Speak to someone there about the points that have been brought up here about ground rules, employment, and other matters.

Absolutely positively. You need to go to the experts. It sort of sounds like the shelter lady had her heart in the right place but didn't know everything.

I only have the one child so helping my MIL work through the muddle of Medicare (and a few years ago, SS and pension and all that) hasn't been overly difficult. With you, I would see if there is anyone in YOUR life who could come and amuse the children for half the day while you make phone calls with/for your aunt and even go to the SS office, etc. Get to the heart of the matter. But that stuff is hard to do when you've got even one kid clamoring for attention, so I definitely recommend asking for help while you help your aunt.


SSI: "The Supplemental Security Income (SSI) program pays benefits to disabled adults and children who have limited income and resources.

SSI benefits also are payable to people 65 and older without disabilities who meet the financial limits. "

SSDI: "Social Security Disability Insurance pays benefits to you and certain members of your family if you are "insured," meaning that you worked long enough and paid Social Security taxes."

SS based on spouse: "Even if you have never worked under Social Security, you may be able to get spouse’s retirement benefits if you are at least 62 years of age and your spouse or ex-spouse is receiving or eligible for retirement or disability benefits. You can also qualify for Medicare at age 65."



I think people are confused that they didn't help her apply for SS, not just SSI. Even though she didn't work, it's likely her husband (or ex?) did, and unless he's much younger than her it would seem she could apply under his info.