Taking foster kids to WDW

[PaddingtonBear]

I'm going to bow to the wisdom of those who have been there done that. Also, will add that my parents fostered children and they did leave the fosters home when they vacationed if it made sense to do so. They quit fostering when I was little. I think the misconception here is that these are not adopted children who are being made to feel 'less than' the bio kids. This is a passing though stage, fosters are caring for the child while the bio family is getting thier act together. Especially with a 3 year old, I would not sweat this too much. Your kids need your undivided attention too.

 

[holden]

To the OP - We are foster parent also, and I understand why you would not want to take her. You do need time with your family. Fostering is emotionally and physically draining, and you need time to recharge so that you can be the best foster parent you can be.

As you said, she wouldn't remember going to WDW. She is going to be reunified soon, and that is what will be most important to her. Perhaps she can spend more time with her bio family while you are gone to prepare for the reunification.

Whatever you decide, enjoy your trip!! Don't feel guilty if you don't take her.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Families sometimes need to take advantage of respite care. This sounds like one of them. Thank you for your community service.

 

[bobbiwoz]

I'm an adult in my 60s who had a pair of foster sisters when I was growing up. This was when I was in high school and college, I have a birth younger sister. Our foster sisters always came with us on vacation.

I just got an e-mail from one of them. The foster sister relationship has lasted much longer than the "fostering."

Bobbi

 

[MomTo4+more]

Just wanted to add, I have taken all the children in my home on each vacation we have done so far. We don't typically do vacations though because of my son's medical needs and the number of children coming and going all the time. We had a great trip to an indoor water park with the toddler in my home. I didn't give bringing her along a second thought. My son's Make-A-Wish trip to Disney is another story. Her parents want to make those sorts of memories with her and don't really want her to go. My children very much want my time and attention on this trip. She hates the stroller so much anyway that Disney wouldn't be the best place for her. Each situation is different.


Now for my public service announcement - I feel like I may have been negative in my portrayal of fostering. I said it is hard and demanding - it is. But it is also rewarding! It is something I wish more loving families would be willing to try.

The program I serve with now is a volunteer program that tries to get to families before they need foster care. There is no subsidy payment for the children, no respite, or anything. The child's expenses all come out of pocket. The rewards of loving a child and seeing their family get stronger is worth every cent and every bit of enrgy.

I have a toddler right now who is profoundly deaf secondary to bacterial meningitis and two strokes. She needs tons of care. She is also a joy and an amazing little girl. Two weeks after coming to my home she had bilateral cochlear implant surgery. She now has therapies twelve hours a week - some in the home and some at three different facilities. Twice a week we drive 45 minutes to an hour one way to bring her to the best oral school for the deaf in our state. With homeschooling my three adopted children and managing the medical needs of my son with sickle cell disease and neuro disorders, it is certainly not convenient. We do it cheerfully and will continue to as long as this child needs a home because we love her. It's magical to hear her starting to speak and to watch her eyes as she hears a new sound.

Just this week I was able to tell two little girls that the state had decided they could go home. They had been with my family for a few days after a horrible tragedy in their home. The joy on their faces when I told them they were going home was something I won't soon forget. The oldest gave me a huge hug and cried tears of joy.

I get to know the parents of most children who pass through my home. It is incredible to be a part of them learning to be a strong and healthy family. There are a handful of moms who still check in regularly. Some will ask me to take their child for a few days occasionally so they can maintain the healthy life they have built. I am happy to be able to do so.

Some children who pass through my home have been hurt so badly that they have issues that are bigger than my family can handle. I have had children who have witnessed the death of siblings. One little girl would rage and scream for hour on end. Nothing could get her to stop. She would be a danger to herself during these rages. She was only 4. She had trauma therapy three times a week. She became too much for my family to handle because it took too much from the other children. I had two brothers who had attachment disorders. The toddler fractured my daughter's toe. His brother gave my other daughter a concussion. They were too much for my family to handle. Thankfully these cases are the exception.

When you foster, you get to know your family and yourself in new ways. You find you are stronger than you thought, and you learn to stretch in new ways. You learn the limits of what you can handle and start to draw new boundaries. You begin to appreciate your family in a new way.

Fostering is not for evey family, but if you are one of those who says, "I wish I could" or "Someday I will," I encourage you to give it a try. I thought it was something I would do once I was married. As I approached thirty and was still single, I decided to stop waiting and start fostering. I am so glad I did. You may be glad if you try it too!

 

[maxiesmom]

I have to wonder why you even asked for opinions if you didn't want to hear them?

 

[sunnyday123]

I have to wonder why you even asked for opinions if you didn't want to hear them?

I was thinking the same thing. The OP specifically asked if they should feel guilty. Obviously the situation is not black and white, or they would not have asked for opinions. I don't foster, but to me, if you open your home to a child, there shouldn't be qualifications or exclusions. If you feel you aren't giving your biological children enough time, it may be that you're overextending yourself and need to reign in on the fostering. To me it's like buying all buy one something and sounds more like a boarder than a child. Wouldn't the money you get from the state ( and I have no idea of the specific amount, but I know in the tri-state area there have been reports over the years of people fostering soley for the money) offset some of the costs of her trip?

Bottom line, you asked for our opinions, we gave 'em.

 

[badblackpug]

I have to wonder why you even asked for opinions if you didn't want to hear them?

I agree. You seem to have made your decision. I am not sure you feel entirely good about your decision, but you seem to have made it. Why ask for opinions?

 

[AntePrincess]

I have to wonder why you even asked for opinions if you didn't want to hear them?

Seems to me she listened to the opinions that she received and gave greater weight to those that had more experience with the same issues. That sounds reasonable to me. Hearing out opinions doesn't mean she'll end up agreeing with the majority, or specifically with you.

I have no experience in foster care matters, but as I understand it this is not adoption and there most definitely is a distinction between your children and the children you foster. The whole goal of the process is to successfully reunite a family in crisis. It's not to give a child wonderful experiences they might not have had otherwise, although that's always nice. In fact, if the wonderful experiences would in any way interfere with the goal of reuniting the family and keeping the fostering family intact and fostering, they have to go by the wayside.

It's always easy to say those that give at all need to give more. That's why volunteers from fostering to your local volunteer EMTs burn out, and then we have a shortage. There's always one more principle to adhere to, one more shift that needs covering.

 

[wildlandmedic]

For those of you who think I am not listening to opinions.....

If you would, please read the first line of the original post. It asks if other foster families have had to deal with this debate. I did not ask for people who do not understand a foster home. I very much value the opinions of the ones who have been foster parents, foster children, and foster siblings.

Please do not speak on that which you do not fully understand. Ignorance builds contempt and hard feelings. Feel free to post after you have had close experience with the fostering procedure.

 

[maxiesmom]

For those of you who think I am not listening to opinions.....

If you would, please read the first line of the original post. It asks if other foster families have had to deal with this debate. I did not ask for people who do not understand a foster home. I very much value the opinions of the ones who have been foster parents, foster children, and foster siblings.

Please do not speak on that which you do not fully understand. Ignorance builds contempt and hard feelings. Feel free to post after you have had close experience with the fostering procedure.

The thing is, you posted on a public forum. Anyone is free to respond, not just those you choose to hear from. May I suggest that if you only want the input of other foster parents that you post on a foster parents board, not a Disney forum? Othwerwise I am sure you will continue to get responses from people other than foster parents.

 

[trekkie2]

Although I don't foster children, I do work as case management for many families who's children have entered the foster care system. I also teach parenting classes for both these families and foster parents. One of the most important things you can do for yourself, your children AND your foster children is to care for yourself, take a break and keep your relationship to your spouse and your children strong. You can not take care of someone else, especially foster children (who come with plenty of issues of their own)
if you are not taking care of yourself and your family. You know best what your family needs and what will be in the best interest of the foster child you are caring for. trust yourself, you know what you're doing!!

 

[creativeamanda]

My niece was in a foster care situation. When she was removed from my sister's home, she was in a different state and I could not take custody for 6 months, so she went to live with family in the state she was living in. This was to keep her in the family rather than in the system.

The time came for the foster family to go on family vacation to Disney. Without warning, my sister and her boyfriend both signed parental rights away to my cousin. The baby had no where to go, but my cousin had made her plans for her own family of 7. The baby was three. She chose not to take the baby.

I was at first angry, as an aunt, I would have gladly paid for her portion of the trip. But it had nothing to do with the cost. I was the fact that plans had been made and that family needed a break. It's not pretty. It's not fair. But they had willingly taken a child into their home with problems no one could have ever dreamed of. They dealt with night terrors no one could imagine. They dealt with irrational fears, and the cream of it all, a 3 year old with skills the level of a 6 month old due to a lack of interraction. They needed a break and now I understand completely.

The story ends well, though. THe little girl was adopted by a wonderful family who could not have their own children. She takes yearly trips to Disney World and is now on the same level as other 6 year olds.

OP, you have to care about your family. Do what's best for you and forget about what others think. It's like parents who focus forever on their kids and realize when the kids are gone they don't know each other anymore. You have to pay attention to that relationship, because you don't want to lose your family life in the process.

 

[treehugnmama]

Having fostered about 70 childfren, I can completely see where you are coming from. Your family does need time to be a family or you will burn out and not be able to continue doing foster care. Foster care is hard!! These children are loveable kids, but they do have unique challenges that I don't think can be fully understood or appreciated if you have never been afoster parent.

Your post sounds like you planned this trip thinking this child would be reunited with her family by the time you went. Perhaps you would have taken her along if you anticipated her being with you longer. Now you have gotten into the mindset of using this as family time, and things have changed in the child's case plan. Only you know the best decision for your family.

Since she is so close to being reunified, she should be having more frequent visits and maybe even overnights with her family. That is a priority right now more than an opportunity to see Disneyworld. She needs consistent time with her family, so she can more easily adjust when she is returned home.

Perhaps as you plan Disney things, you could plan fun things for her and her family. Maybe give her parents the money to take her to Chuck E. Cheese or another fuun children's place near you. Let her pick out special clothes for family visits. Let her get games or activities to do with her family. Then she has something fun to do with them and is making precious memories with them. You could even give her a disposable or a child's camera and have her take pictures of her time visiting family and doing fun things with her respite family. Enthusiastically enjoy her pictures when you get home.

Foster families give a lot of themselves. As foster parents we need to be careful to prioritize our own children and not let them get lost in doing good for the foster children. It's not that you don't love the foster children, but they are not your own - your children are. Your children have been entrusted to you first and forever and you can't take that lightly.

I try to be careful to let the children who pass through my home feel like they belong, but the truth is they want to know they still belong to their family. They love their families despite the issues they face. They identify with their families. If they start to feel like I am trying to replace their parents or make my family theirs, they feel threatened. They don't want to lose their family. They know they are loved here too, but they know there is a difference between here and home.



Well put. I also do not foster but work with foster children and thier families...it does take a toll and taking a week off is ok...you should not feel guilty..I am sure you will as it takes a caring person to be a foster parent. Thanks for Providing a home to the children that are have been or will be in your care. It is a demanding job and whatever choice you make will be ok

 

[brekin67]

I was thinking the same thing. The OP specifically asked if they should feel guilty. Obviously the situation is not black and white, or they would not have asked for opinions. I don't foster, but to me, if you open your home to a child, there shouldn't be qualifications or exclusions. If you feel you aren't giving your biological children enough time, it may be that you're overextending yourself and need to reign in on the fostering. To me it's like buying all buy one something and sounds more like a boarder than a child. Wouldn't the money you get from the state ( and I have no idea of the specific amount, but I know in the tri-state area there have been reports over the years of people fostering soley for the money) offset some of the costs of her trip?

Bottom line, you asked for our opinions, we gave 'em.

Trust me, no one makes money from fostering. When we started, daycare was not included. We got $10 per day for younger ones, and daycare was $17 per day. Then we had to buy diapers, etc. We had children that lived all over the state and had to drive them to court dates, family visits, etc. There is no reimbursement for the gas expense. The current Oklahoma rate is $365 to $498 per month depending on age. If people were making money off fostering, more people would do it. The OP was not concerned about the cost of the trip, that was not mentioned. OP just wanted time with just her biological children, and thought the child would be home before the trip. There is no way to gauge when a child will come and go. Some of the posters are getting negative about not taking a trip to Disneyworld when they have not even taken a child into their own home.

 

[stace1214]

Thank you for all that you do as a foster parent. Having worked with many families and their foster children, I know it's not just a simple matter of having another child in your home. It takes an incredible amount of dedication, patience and love to be a good foster parent. As several others have said, you will get burned out without taking time out to regroup with your family. Fostering can definitely take a toll on other children in the home and you're smart to be concerned about everyone involved. Please don't feel guilty with what ever you decide to do. Only you know your family and what would be best.

 

[pfp258]

PFP, as much as it will probably irk you, yes a foster child is part of our family. However, they play a different role in our family than our children. These kids are not orphans. They have not been abandoned. They have mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They also have foster parents, grandparents, etc... We are not trying to replace their parents. We are giving them a home while their parents are going through some stuff that they don't need to be around.

I am not sure what "role" they would play...are they not simply children that need love and support during a difficult time in their lives? I am not judging you in any way for your decision, just weighing in with my own personal opinion. (I think that is still allowed here.)

 

[jana616]

I've never fostered but plan to when my kids are a little older. I just wanted to say thank you for what you do, and to have a wonderful trip! You should not feel guilty about leaving this child behind. It sounds like you treat her with love and respect, but also realize that this is a limited time role and your own children are yours forever. This sounds reasonable to me. It also sounds like you are working on a well-thought out, loving plan for her while you are gone. You would not be asking for support and advice if you weren't concerned about being fair and generous, which tells that you ARE those things already. So, please take some time for your "original" family, recharge, and come back and love her until she is reunited with her biological family. Have a great trip!

 

[brymolmom]

I, like some of the pp's, always had this vision of foster parenting as 'bringing a child into your home to love and raise as your own and to give him/her those 'family' experiences that he/she would not otherwise get'.

Then my best friend became a foster mother. Now I am just about as close to a fostering situation as you can get without actually being the parent and it has completely changed my views. I went to a couple of the foster parenting classes with my friend as her 'support system' person and I came out of those classes thinking of fostering as more of 'feeding and boarding someone else's kids'. And now that she has had 2 boys for a year, I still think it's a lot closer to that. There are visits you need to schedule around and that are changed or canceled last minute making you scramble to adjust schedules, there is permission to be recieved for any number of things you would like to do with the kids, there are court dates and COUNTLESS NUMBERS of phone calls from the mom, aunts, uncles, etc. So my view (at least in this type of fostering here) of the situation was just WRONG! You never have time to do the work on the homework with the child around the kitchen table - you just have to give them a quick meal before they leave for their visit. And you have trouble talking with their teachers about their progress because you have to invite the mom (who does not necessarily have the same schooling views as you) to all the meetings, etc. So basically, it isn't necessarily that you don't want to make these kids a part of your family life for their short time with you....it is likely more that it just isn't possible with all the other stuff they need to do with their parents.

So I can totally understand where the OP is coming from. My best friend, BTW - has 'babysat' 3 children for other foster parents while they went on vacations. Please do not feel guilty, especially since your little girl will be at her 'end goal' so soon afterward. It is a time to be happy for her as she will be getting what she needs most while your family is getting what it needs most.

 

[hiddenj]

I am sitting here waiting for my foster license to arrive (probably another 8-10 weeks). I don't know what I would do. In an ideal world I would always bring the kids I am fostering everywhere we go, but I know that's not the case. Foster care can be draining on a family and that's why respite care exists. You need to take care of your family in order to care for others. I guess some of the questions I would be asking myself are:

-Does my family need this time in order to continue providing a home for more children?
-If we take the child, will this cause a problem with visitation?
-Will we be able to get permission to travel for this child?
-Who is providing respite care and how comfortable is this child with that family?
-How will the child react to being left?
-What's the likelihood the case plan get changed again?

There is a reason that less than 50% of the people that started the foster classes we were in finished. Foster care is HARD. Good luck making your decision. I know whatever you decide will be right for all involved.