Taking a "secret" to the grave question

[luvmarypoppins]

My aunt is terminally ill. Years ago I found out my mom knew a family secret. She only told me because my sister had a rare genetic disease, but it turned out my sisters case was not the genetic kind. Anyway my mom did tell me that my uncle (now deceased) had another biological son. She didnt say whether or not anyone in the family knew etc. I dont want to open a pandoras box, but I am wondering if my aunt (his sister) knows anything about this or ever told any of the other cousins. I am only thinking of this for medical reasons, like what if this man gets cancer one day and needs a transplant, and lots of heart problems run in our family etc. My aunt has like 3 months to live. I guess I do need to let go and let God handle it, but I guess it will always be in the back of my mind. I dont want to bring it up to my aunt. This other biological child has never been part of our extended family and all I know is my mom knew who the mother was etc. Have you had an experience like this?

 

[NMAmy]

You know, if your aunt is terminally ill, she probably has enough on her plate without bringing this up. If you'd like to mention it to your cousins after she's passed, I think that would be the time. If she's known all this time and hasn't mentioned it, then she doesn't want to talk about it. And if your uncle and your mom never told her, there was probably a reason for that.

 

[CathrynRose]

You know, if your aunt is terminally ill, she probably has enough on her plate without bringing this up. If you'd like to mention it to your cousins after she's passed, I think that would be the time. If she's known all this time and hasn't mentioned it, then she doesn't want to talk about it. And if your uncle and your mom never told her, there was probably a reason for that.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

Haven't had an experience like this, but if I did, I'd let it go. It's obviously something your aunt wants to take with her.

 

[MoniqueU]

I would let things go.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

This child is not the aunt's chid, right? It's her brother's child? So it's not a direct emotional tie, so to speak. In that case, I would try to find a tactful way of bringing it up. You have an opportunity that will soon be gone, and it's now or never.

I say this since we had something similar happen in our family, and now there's no way to find out what happened, since the older generation died out. In a nutshell, we think that my mom's father (my grandpa who died when I was a baby) was actually born from another family member (who was a teenager at the time), and she couldn't keep the baby, and instead gave him to my mom's grandparents. Very convoluted! The sad thing is, my two grand aunts may have known the truth, but died many years ago, and no one asked them. So now we have no way of knowing for sure.

I would find a way to ask, and soon! What's the worst that could happen? Probably more than likely she remembers very little, but maybe she could tell you something. Just my opinion!

 

[luvmydogs]

...If she's known all this time and hasn't mentioned it, then she doesn't want to talk about it. And if your uncle and your mom never told her, there was probably a reason for that.

Wise and compassionate words.

My prayers of strength for your aunt and your family.

 

[VSL]

I am only thinking of this for medical reasons, like what if this man gets cancer one day and needs a transplant, and lots of heart problems run in our family etc.

You really can't let that get to you. I myself am half adopted and only know 8 people who I am genetically related to, so I could be at a huge risk for certain types of cancer or whatever and I don't know, but you really can't live like that.
There's loads of us out there and we cope somehow

I have to agree with the other posters - your aunt probably doesn't need it.

 

[nliedel]

the woman is terminally ill. Love her with all your heart, make her smile and laugh and find peace. Please do not bring her pain now.

I am adopted as well and you just need to let this go. There are other ways if there is a disease. Truly.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I found out on my 18th birthday my mom had a son before me and gave him up for adoption.

My mom has no idea I know and I have never talked about it with anyone in her family.

It does bother me knowing I have an older brother out there but I dont think I could ever bring it up to her than I know.

 

[andromedaslove]

I have to agree. Medical reasons or not, if she doesn't know then maybe she shouldn't find out when she only has a short time to live. If she does know and hasn't brought it up then she has her reasons for it I am sure.

As far as Medical reasons, I know that my grandmother had a baby die when she was 7 months pregnant, my Mom had a child which she miscarried because as the doctors said "there was something really wrong", and it wans't until my son was born still due to a genetic defect that was "incompatible with life" did I wish that I had brought this up with grandmother more when she was alive. Unfortunately, now I'll never know wether my sons condition was a genetic one. I have also had people tell me for as long as I can remember that I need to find my "father" to find out his medical history. However, I have no intention of doing so whatsoever. There are plenty of us out there who have no clue about our families medical history and we make due.

Dana

 

[AuntieM03]

Well I know a bit about secrets taken to the grave. We found out about 10 years after my mom died that my brother did not biologically belong to my father. That she had supposedly been married before that (I am doubting the married part). I got that little bombshell handed to me by my step-mother (whom I had never met) because she decided that I should decide whether to tell my brother. I then got a call from my father (whom I had not seen since I was 2) forbidding me to tell my brother. I ended up calling my SIL and asking her what should be done. She told my brother.

 

[minkydog]

I don't think your medical reasons are good enough to consider brining heartache to a dying auntie. Lots of people get cancer and heart disease. Many of them do not know their family medical history, regardless of whether they were biological children or not. Knowing that your Great Uncle Felix had prostate cancer or your Aunt Bertie had high blood pressure has very little bearing on your own health, really. If I did not know my parents history(and I only know what my father ultimately died from, nothing else) I would assume there might be heart disease, high cholestral, cancer and diabetes and I live accordingly. I assume that's what people who were adopted do.

 

[Lyn5]

Some people don't want to know. My Grandmother is the eldest of many, many children and last year my Mother's Aunt told my Mom and told one of my Mom's sisters that my Grandmother and their oldest brother where not from my Great-Grandfather, but from a previous "marriage" I knew my Great-Grandfather and he was a wonderful man. Either my Mom or one of my Aunts had heard something about it before, but when they asked my Grandmother she said it was a flat out lie and that they (all the siblings) had the same parents. I thought about it and decided, it really doesn't matter. Obviously, one person is either in denial or knows more information or something, but it doesn't change who my Grandmother is, my Mom, my Aunts, my memory of my Great-Grandparents, myself or anything else. If everyone is happy with their memories/lives, I don't think the boat should be rocked at the end of its sailing.

 

[Mimi Q]

I wouldn't say anything to your aunt about it.

 

[Michie]

I really think you should keep quiet. It really isn't any of your business to bring it up, it would just cause pain.

 

[ElizaB39]

* SIGH *

I know too many "secrets". I hope I don't get a high fever one day and start rambling!

Really, I don't like to know so many things about other people's lives, but I do and I carry them around with me. I do this out of respect for the people whose lives I would greatly affect if I would "tell".

I believe one day the info will come out, but it won't be from me.