Tactful response to backhanded compliments

[brookmey]

I am a blunt, to the point person, but sometimes that's not always the best way to handle things. I could use some suggestions on how to address backhanded compliments in a tactful way, but yet still get the point across. Any suggestions?

 

[scrapquitler]

I am a blunt, to the point person, but sometimes that's not always the best way to handle things. I could use some suggestions on how to address backhanded compliments in a tactful way, but yet still get the point across. Any suggestions?

Say thank you, ignore the nastiness behind it....not letting it provoke you will irritate the other person

 

[lovesmurfs]

Life's to short to worry about this. I just say thank you and move on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Ahhh, grasshopper, I learned from a stealthy ninja manipulator, my mother was a grand master. Now without an example it's hard to say, most people like this have a step by step plan of attack, they are mean but lazy. In general I like the boomerang defense.

Let's say someone throws you an insult by-way of talking about you but pretending they are talking about someone else. A weaselly but common behavior. My move:

"Well, I have this friend, Bertha, I don't talk about her much, but she does this thing. She likes to talk about me but pretends she is talking about someone else, and she thinks I don't know she is talking about me because she's one of those people who always thinks she's the smartest person in the room but she's not (insert over the top here). Anyway, I'm not so sure how I should handle letting her know I'm onto her so she knocks it off before things get ugly. What do you think? Every know anybody like that? What do you think I should say or do?"

Then just watch the show. I'd like to say I'm big enough to let it slide, but I'm not and that would be lying. I let innocent slips slide by but a deliberate assault, nope never. Don't start nothing won't be nothing is my game, I seldom provoke but won't back off from a fight.

 

[minkydog]

I do not like the "snappy come-back method" for dealing with backhanded comments. Just pause for a beat, look them in the eye, and say thank you. Then let it go. People who make those comments(my mother and my MIL are two) will never see their comments as anything other than helpful. You will not educate them so save your breath and move on.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

The best way to annoy the people making these comments is by showing them they do not bother you in the least. If they think it is bothering you they will continue to do it.

However, I understand this is not an easy thing to do and i fail at it frequently.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Ahhh, grasshopper, I learned from a stealthy ninja manipulator, my mother was a grand master. Now without an example it's hard to say, most people like this have a step by step plan of attack, they are mean but lazy. In general I like the boomerang defense.

Let's say someone throws you an insult by-way of talking about you but pretending they are talking about someone else. A weaselly but common behavior. My move:

"Well, I have this friend, Bertha, I don't talk about her much, but she does this thing. She likes to talk about me but pretends she is talking about someone else, and she thinks I don't know she is talking about me because she's one of those people who always thinks she's the smartest person in the room but she's not (insert over the top here). Anyway, I'm not so sure how I should handle letting her know I'm onto her so she knocks it off before things get ugly. What do you think? Every know anybody like that? What do you think I should say or do?"

Then just watch the show. I'd like to say I'm big enough to let it slide, but I'm not and that would be lying. I let innocent slips slide by but a deliberate assault, nope never. Don't start nothing won't be nothing is my game, I seldom provoke but won't back off from a fight.

I love it! You crack me up.

I've been around master manipulators more than I care to recount. This is the type that never.lets.up. If you let it slide, you'll be buried under with this type of person.

Show and tell is the way to go.

 

[brookmey]

Thank you for the suggestions. The comments are mainly about my kids, right in front of them. The ones that are directed towards me, I just ignore. But when it's about my kids, especially in front of them, my temperature starts to rise and I can't let it go. Resentment grows while the irritation just festers inside me. I need to address it. It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat when she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How do I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I do not like the "snappy come-back method" for dealing with backhanded comments. Just pause for a beat, look them in the eye, and say thank you. Then let it go. People who make those comments(my mother and my MIL are two) will never see their comments as anything other than helpful. You will not educate them so save your breath and move on.

I look at it as holding up a mirror. I agree, you can't educate this type.

 

[Kitzka]

Wish I could help. I tend to respond with a WHAT? Or a F you. I too am blunt. I hate back handed 'compliments'. My mil is queen and hates my directness. So we just don't talk.

Lara

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thank you for the suggestions. The comments are mainly about my kids, right in front of them. The ones that are directed towards me, I just ignore. But when it's about my kids, especially in front of them, my temperature starts to rise and I can't let it go. Resentment grows while the irritation just festers inside me. I need to address it. It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How to I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

Maybe she knows it's wrong and does it anyway to get your goat and see how far she can run with it. Sadly, there are people like that. I can't imagine a person thinking the things she says are okay.

I think you have a "special" witch on your hands. She deserves blunt. I'd just ask her who does she think she is. Stand up to her. Your daughter needs to know how to stand up for herself whether it's family pushing her down or not. Tell her the things she says are false and not okay. That will shock her into next week.

 

[hereyago]

Maybe she knows it's wrong and does it anyway to get your goat and see how far she can run with it. Sadly, there are people like that. I can't imagine a person thinking the things she says are okay.

I think you have a "special" witch on your hands. She deserves blunt. I'd just ask her who does she think she is. Stand up to her. Your daughter needs to know how to stand up for herself whether it's family pushing her down or not. Tell her the things she says are false and not okay. That will shock her into next week.

ITA. WHy be tactful when it comes to your kids? because it's family? Family schmaily. Tell her to keep her trap shut if she can't then she can get the blank out of your house.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you for the suggestions. The comments are mainly about my kids, right in front of them. The ones that are directed towards me, I just ignore. But when it's about my kids, especially in front of them, my temperature starts to rise and I can't let it go. Resentment grows while the irritation just festers inside me. I need to address it. It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat when she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How do I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

OK, I would have Molly write the questions she has for her aunt about the comments she is saying.

Second, I would sit with SIL and Molly and have Molly read the comments to SIL and then see what she says.

Since as Molly says, you are allowing SIL to slide with the rules in the house she needs to be called to the carpet.

That is what I would do and have done it MANY times with family.

You say you like to be BLUNT. This is up your alley and it gets the questions answered for you and your dd.

 

[Ceila]

Be blunt. Be direct. When she says something in front of your kids, call her on it. Immediately. Like you said, I don't care if people try to hurt me, but I'm not going to let anyone get away with hurting my child, family or not.

 

[manning]

A toast "Here's to you as good as you are and here's to me as bad as I am. As good as you are and as bad as I am, I am as good as you are and you are as bad as I am."

That has stopped a few in their tracks.

 

[Michelle67]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that kind of passive aggressive behavior. Honestly, my tactic would probably be to be honest with my child and say, "I'm not really sure why Auntie feels the need to be rude and hurtful, but you should just ignore her when she is being like that. You are wonderful just the way you are." If it got really out of hand, I'd switch up the wording and deliver the comment directly to Auntie.

 

[hereyago]

I like Mystery Machine's idea.

if that doesn't work, and SIL opens her pie hole again especially in front of your DD, blast her and tell your dd in front of her that her aunt is rude and will be leaving.

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

I think you should tell your DD, "I don't know why Auntie said that. Next time she says something like that, ask her." I'd like to see the look on Auntie's face when a kid calmly asks a sincere question like that. And, I do believe that the kid has legitimate question. Would Auntie really have the stones to tell a kid to their face why they have a negative quality? If so, then the entire room will know what a schmuck Auntie is. Auntie might just listen to herself and think twice next time. It's a good learning opportunity for DD. It doesn't have to get emotional or negative. Just ask the question and disengage. Watch Auntie spin her wheels, lol. Sometimes I think people say stuff to hear themselves talk or make conversation and don't really pay attention to what they are saying. You could tell DD that Auntie may just be thoughtless.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The next time she makes a comment, I'd start with a quiet "Little pitchers have big ears." If she doesn't get it, and asks you to explain, then come right out and tell her that while her 5-year-old may not listen to adult conversations yet, your 7-year-old is mature enough to understand them, and her feelings are being hurt by the kind of things her aunt has been saying - especially when you have a house rule against put-downs. (Point to it here if they are posted.)

 

[Lionqueen2]

Thank you for the suggestions. The comments are mainly about my kids, right in front of them. The ones that are directed towards me, I just ignore. But when it's about my kids, especially in front of them, my temperature starts to rise and I can't let it go. Resentment grows while the irritation just festers inside me. I need to address it. It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat when she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How do I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

I think it is important to remember that people who make comments like this feel inadequate and inferior probably caused by a touch of jealousy.

It sounds as if your DD is a capable young lady with a good self image and her DD is not. Her comments are most likely made to help justify her DD's behavior in her own mind as she compares the two girls.

I would take a suggestion from LuvOrlando and tell her you know a woman that seems so jealous that she always gives backhanded compliments and follow with a made-up example. Tell her that otherwise you like this woman, but it is sad that she feels so inadequate around you and your family.

As far as DD, I'd explain that, in life, not all people are good at expressing themselves and sometimes don't realize the impact of what they are saying. Let her know that auntie won't be the only person like this that she will meet in life. Your daughter should learn to say, 'It's too bad you feel that way, auntie!', the next time she hears her aunt say something inappropriate.