Sweet Mother of Fudge! 2/15 A Goodbye Summary~Pimples and Farts

[princessjv]

You have scared the bajeebers out of me for my dd's BBB appt. I am praying we don't get Edward Bobbyhands to do my TINK's updo. YIKES!



I call my ds a carbotarian, as he tries his hardest to eat all carbs and only carbs all day.



I stop him.




This momma knows he needs a titch more than carbs. I force feed him the proteins and vitamin rich foods.



Really.

 

[HomeschoolMama]

You have scared the bajeebers out of me for my dd's BBB appt. I am praying we don't get Edward Bobbyhands to do my TINK's updo. YIKES!

The ladies I had were wonderful. Maybe you can see their nametags on the pics in my TR and ask for a specific FGIT?

 

[Mrs. The King]

Chapter 8
About the same time my boys found us. PS returned from Ariel’s wet and wild line. Apparently, in an effort to cool her body PS put her face full in one of the sidewalk gushers. Repeatedly. She never puts her face in those things. But she did today.

She came back rubbing her eye. We get a bunch of drinks and a few ice creams. PC is looking so cute in his awesome hair style.
PS starts crying and rubbing her eye.

Now it’s time to discuss eyeballs in our family. Everyone has something that gives them the heebby jeebies. For me, it’s big hairy spiders. You can wrap a 12 foot snake around my neck. Throw a rat in each hand. I will be great. No worries. One baby spider in a room with me and I am screaming and twitching like a bride to be at one of those sample wedding gown sales.

Mr. The King lives in fear of making sure he catches the spider I have seen. Or I will haunt him all night. Slapping things and screeching for no reason. Because the spider might be on the loose. I always demand the body of the dead spider on a paper towel platter, like Cleopatra or some evil queen. Except I never look in the towel, cause I hate all the legs.

Gee whiz he’s probably been lying to me all this time I wouldn’t look in the towel.

Damn it.

Anyway. PS has a fear of eyeballs. She has never liked close up pictures, where you see red veins in the white part. One day she asked me about her terror.

PS in her sweet little voice, with her hands flittering near, but not touching, her eyes ~ “Mommy, what are eyeballs? What are they made of?”
Now I pride myself on being honest with my kids, I will answer their questions to the best of my abilities.
I get down low and capture her hands. I look kindly into her beautiful face and tell her
“Well, sweetheart,” I try and put my scarce knowledge about eyeballs into little kid vocabulary. “The eyeballs are like little bags full of jelly” I freaking think that is what they made out of. Who knows, really? “Jellybags” I say with authority.
PS’s own jellybags get large with horror. Her sweet lips part in disgusted surprise.
It is at this point I realize I have given her personal terror more definition, more description than her brain wanted to comprehend. Oops. She runs from me and buries her head in the couch.
PS~ “Jellybags!!!AGGGHHH!!!” she peaks at me “Can they pop?”
Me, (against anyone’s better judgment) ~“Yes, that is why you have to be careful with them”
PS~ “AGGHHH!! Jellybags”

So of course, like any good parent, I used the fear of jellybags to my advantage. Anytime she wandered in during a part of General Hospital not meant for kids I would say “Don’t look!! Jellybags!!!” And she would run in horror, and I could eliminate the offending TV screen with the remote, putting on a family friendly show.

Convenient. And I love hearing the word jellybags in regards to eyes. Makes me chuckle.

Now I know what you are thinking, “This short sighted mom’s torture of her daughter is going to bite her in the butt when that child needs and eye appointment someday”

And you would be right. And there was a little voice in my head saying the same thing. But I always figured we would spank that monkey when we came to it.

I never figured that monkey drag himself up too sit on a table close to the Dumbo ride in the Magic Kingdom. He sat close to me, smiled his toothy, shaky lipped monkey smile, while wagging his butt at me.
I looked at PS rubbing her eye and crying. I take a peek. She obviously has something in it. I examine her more closely, and find the problem. The beautiful glitter in her hair. The shimmering teeny tiny glitter that looks like magic and princess sneezes all at the same time. It has migrated from her hair to her face. To her arms, to her hands, to my hands, my shirt where I hugged her.
She has this tiny glitter in her eyes. And she is rubbing more into her eye with each pass of her little fist. I stop her. She cries. I know I have to wash her eye. I know it is going to go over like a bag full of tarantulas in my underwear. Not well.

Me~ “Sweetie, I am going to have to wash your eye with this bottle of water.” I grab one ice cold Disney snack credit and show it to her open eye.

Say it with me everyone!!

PS ~ “Jellybags!!!!!Noooooo!!!”
In between screams, spanking the monkey, and trying to avoid the glitter, I convince her to let me pour the water on the jellybags. The fact the she lets me do this speaks to her discomfort. She closes her eye when the water comes.

This is not going to work. In the middle of Magic Kingdom, I am sitting with a screaming girl. The glitter is everywhere and I now see it as a threat. Bystanders are looking at the cute princess screaming “Jellybags” I saw a lady trying to help hold up a jellybean. I shake my head no, and mouth “thank you”.
I look at my family and say “I have to take her to get an eye wash at First Aid”

I know what PS is thinking. She has seen three things washed in her life.
1)The dogs, usually after one of them has rolled in poop. This “wash” consists of a dog on a leash being power washed with the hose.
2)Her hair. This “Wash” involves soap, scrubbing hands, and a shower head beating on her head.
3)And of course the car “wash” Which involves giant scrub brushes, hot oil, and high powered dryer.

She is trying to imagine her little jellybag in all these situations. Ow ! Eww!
The word “wash” becomes the new “jellybag”. I make a mental note not to say “wash”. Turns out mental notes don’t get thumb tacked to the back of your head for your loving family to see.

Grandma~ “Getting an eye wash? Great idea.”
Grandpa~ “Did you say Eyewash? I agree”
PC ~ “Dad, what does an eye wash entail? Will it pop her jellybag?”
Mr. The King ~”Well son, an eyewash is a process where the jellybag is held open…”

I scoop PS up, and we jog ahead. Geeze. The Jiggler is the least aerodynamic thing to attach to your back. And PS is no small potatoes anymore. 44 pounds of crying squirming fun. First aid is 16 miles away. Wasn’t this place built on the theory of forced perspective? Shouldn’t First Aid be closer?

Well, I was feeling forced. I think the monkey was spanking me at this point. I was almost there when I looked to my left. Mr. The King was trotting alongside.

His giant arm muscles swinging on either side of his body. He is an alarmingly strong man. And I would have loved for him to carry my giant potato instead of me for the past 15 miles.

I pass PS over. My back screams. The monkey screams. Mr. The King carries her so easily. I roll my eyes at him.

We bust into the First Aid place together. The nurse in charge takes us straight back. She was friendly, but had no trouble prying open PS’s eye and washing the glitter out.
And PS stops crying. The glitter in her eye was washed out.
Finally.

I say to the nurse, “Is there a sink here that I can wash out this glitter? I am afraid she will get more in her eye?”

The glitter is all over her body. Each piece is scaring me. After the pins in the head, now she has the glitter nightmare.
The nurse hands PS a trading pin and some stickers. She shakes her head ruefully at me. “Sorry, No.”

She suggests taking PS to the barbershop to have her hair washed. I know I have to get PS back to the hotel, out of her glitter filled clothes and get every stinkin piece of glitter off of her (And now me).

Getting out of the magic Kingdom is such a long marathon of transportation. If I am in route when another jellybag problem erupts, we will be in for a long ride. IS there first aid in the resorts? I might have to drive her to the ER. What a nightmare.

I take her by the hand and head her to the waiting room. We all fussed over her. So proud she got the eye wash, which she admitted was not too bad.
In the meantime Grandma had gone back to the Bibbity Bobbity boutique while we were in First Aid and described the experience so far to a manager. She refunded the money Grandma had paid for PS. Grandma refused a refund on PC’s appointment because he had had no trouble.

As we walked out of the First Aid we were greeted by a Marching Band.

Only in Disney.

We made a mad rush to the barbershop.

Well guess what? They don’t have sinks for hair washing. They spray the clients’ hair with a spray bottle.

Frustrated.

Grandma holds up the empty Dasani bottle. ~ “How about we wash her hair in the sink?”

Grandma is fearless. And thinks quick on her feet. I know she is right. The safest thing to do is get it out as soon as we can.
Grandma , PS and I head into the bathroom by the firehouse. I lay PS across the sinks. Her feet are on one sink, her butt is in the middle of the sinks, and her head is in the last one. Grandma was in charge of holding PS and trying to make her comfortable on the hard and sink filled surface. Automatic faucets are enraged by our efforts.. Gushing on and off in an angry symphony.

Ladies crowd close to try and wash their delicate hands.

Me, in a shrill tone~ “Move along People! We have a Princess Down Here, Princess Down!!”

And I am filling a bottle. Holding my hand on the auto sensor, I pour the water. I would have liked to go faster. But the Automatic faucets will work at their own pace like union employees. I see the sinks digging into her. Trying to get faster. I use the hand soap as shampoo. She is hanging in there like such a giant trooper.

No one is begrudging us taking up three sinks in a busy bathroom after my loud announcement of royalty in danger. Eventually, the hair is much cleaner. Not perfect, but better. Grandma and I start wiping down her skin with wet paper towels. More glitter is captured and thrown in the trash. Her shirt is soaking wet.

We finally emerge victorious. Grandma had saved the day with her ingenuity. While we were glitter warriors our boys were treated to a parade of sorts. I don’t know exactly what it was but, I know Pluto was in it.

Well, now what do we do? We were planning on staying in the Magic Kingdom all day. And all Magic Hours night. This is our one day in the MK.

I eye PC’s hair suspiciously. Although he does not have princess sneeze glitter, his hair is full of gel and paint. If he gets his head wet, it is going to sting his jellybags. I am equipped for many things in my bagallini, but not eye surgery. PS’s glitter is still spreading enough for me to worry. We all make the decision to head back to the resort for showers.

To kill the glitter, dead.

Oh no! I am going to attempt something that no sane adult would ever do. I am planning on leaving Main Street with out getting the jiggler it's fudge from the candy shop.

As we walk out I can almost feel it pulsating. I picture it angry. I am afraid to take a peak at it. Will I see something evil looking back at me, hissing like Gollum, rubbing it’s cheeks together, Plotting to kill me in my sleep?

I have never denied the jiggler its favorite treat in the whole world. I can’t stand the pressure and look at it.

The jiggler is just hanging back there at the top of my legs, following me fatefully like a happy cocker spaniel.

Thank God.

What will we do with the rest of our day? What is in our future? Will I ever get fudge?


Let me tell you about two important people. Ted was a WWII veteran who fought on the front lines. When he came home from the war he never discussed the horror he saw, though we do know he and his brave fellow soldiers freed some concentration camps. His wife, Florence, missed him so very much. She fought here on the mainland by building warplanes with other brave woman that were her peers.

Reunited after the war ,they were married for 63 years before he died. In one of his last phone conversations on this earth he spoke of his wife “I love her so much I married her three times”.

When he passed, she was devastated, as only someone who has been married to the love of her life for that long can begin to comprehend. In her grief she never forgot a birthday of her children, grandchildren, or her great grandchildren. No matter how painful it was to sign just one name to her cards.

Her granddaughter loved to speak to her on the phone. They would laugh about kids, life and relive her beautiful courtship with Ted. Her gorgeous laugh was a reward for a joke well told.

Last night, after being apart from her love for 6 years, Florence, my grandmother joined Ted, my grandpa for a dance. I am positive she flew straight into his arms.

I dedicate this silly chapter to her. I hope I get to hear her laugh in my dreams tonight. I love you Grandma.

Chapter 9 A Poop Is A Wish Your Fart Makes

 

[HomeschoolMama]

Oh, Deb! What are you trying to do to me? Make my jellybags cry?!

Thank you for sharing such a sweet story about your grandparents with us. I never had any grandparents but now i wish I had.

 

[Mrs. The King]

I love your PTR!!!!!

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time!!!

Waiting for more!!!

That makes me so happy I love when people laugh. Thank you for reading and posting!

Hi I've enjoyed reading your report!!
you are so funny!!
Are you going to post a picture of your family?
I love to see who is writing.
Please come read our report.
We are going to POP Sept. 3-10th!!

I am so glad you are reading! You will have wonderful time at Pop. I am glad someone will be keeping it warm while we are gone. I actually don't post pictures of our faces. But I made MR. The King take lots of back of the head shots just for the Trip Report.

The FGIT is lucky she didn't get a bobby pin stuck in her eye after that!!!

My DD has a reservation at the BBB for this trip for the first time ever. Hopefully the mad bobby pin lady will be off that day!

My advice is to be very direct with your FGIT. Maybe saying "My daughter needs a very gentle set of hands or she will be upset?, Can you give me your friendliest FGIT?"

You have scared the bajeebers out of me for my dd's BBB appt. I am praying we don't get Edward Bobbyhands to do my TINK's updo. YIKES!



I call my ds a carbotarian, as he tries his hardest to eat all carbs and only carbs all day.



I stop him.




This momma knows he needs a titch more than carbs. I force feed him the proteins and vitamin rich foods.



Really.

Carbs are my sweetest friend. I curl up with a loaf of bread and buy it wine.

The ladies I had were wonderful. Maybe you can see their nametags on the pics in my TR and ask for a specific FGIT?

Some of them were so amazing with the girls. Maybe we can start a thread about who (FGIT) was good/bad so people know who to ask for?

Oh, Deb! What are you trying to do to me? Make my jellybags cry?!

Thank you for sharing such a sweet story about your grandparents with us. I never had any grandparents but now i wish I had.

You can share mine with me. They will be happy to look out for your family as well as mine. I am going to try and post a picture of them so you know what your angel grandparents look like!

 

[Backstage_Gal]

You are a wonderful writer. I am so enjoying your reports. Thank you!

 

[ncsjodi]

Deb, that was beautiful and hilarious, rolled into one perfect chapter! Somehow I can totally see the Jiggler running across the Magic Kingdom toward First Aid while carrying your little princess. And the idea of your DD lying across three sinks has me almost crying in laughter!

Thanks for a great update!

 

[whogirl'smom]

Your grandmother would be very proud of you today. I am so sorry you lost your dear grandma, but so glad you had her for so long. I lost my dear mamaw four months after we got married, and I still miss her.

You have, however, effectively erased any mommy guilt I had over the lack of a BBB appointment and I thank you for that! Get the troops showered and back to Main Street on the double before the Jiggler revolts (no, not that kind of revolt! ) I just love this trip!

 

[rachel3]

oh,deb that was sooo sweet. i'm sorry about your grandmother, but at least now she is reunited with her love.

 

[jewjubean]

I wish one day to have a love like your grandparents had. It something people my age take for granted. Great update im sorry your daughter had a glitter attack... but it makes for a "funny when you get older" story!!!

 

[mkluvsmickey]

Another wonderful update - lots of laughs. I will always think of my eyes as "jellybags" now!

So sorry about your grandmother.

 

[winkers]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma!

 

[HomeschoolMama]

Some of them were so amazing with the girls. Maybe we can start a thread about who (FGIT) was good/bad so people know who to ask for?

That's a good idea!

You can share mine with me. They will be happy to look out for your family as well as mine. I am going to try and post a picture of them so you know what your angel grandparents look like!

That is one of the sweetest things I ever had someone say to me!

 

[Mrs. The King]

You are a wonderful writer. I am so enjoying your reports. Thank you!

Thank you so much for reading along

Deb, that was beautiful and hilarious, rolled into one perfect chapter! Somehow I can totally see the Jiggler running across the Magic Kingdom toward First Aid while carrying your little princess. And the idea of your DD lying across three sinks has me almost crying in laughter!

Thanks for a great update!

If you can see the jiggler I need to send you some sympathy flowers

I felt bad about the three sink hogging. Thank you so much for reading

Your grandmother would be very proud of you today. I am so sorry you lost your dear grandma, but so glad you had her for so long. I lost my dear mamaw four months after we got married, and I still miss her.

You have, however, effectively erased any mommy guilt I had over the lack of a BBB appointment and I thank you for that! Get the troops showered and back to Main Street on the double before the Jiggler revolts (no, not that kind of revolt! ) I just love this trip!

I am glad the mommy guilt is gone for you. It is still here for me I wish I had passed on that experience this time around.

oh,deb that was sooo sweet. i'm sorry about your grandmother, but at least now she is reunited with her love.

It really is a beautiful love story. I should be ashamed at myself for crying because I know she is so very happy. I keep seeing butterflies and I know that is her way of comforting me.

I wish one day to have a love like your grandparents had. It something people my age take for granted. Great update im sorry your daughter had a glitter attack... but it makes for a "funny when you get older" story!!!

It is funnier now, that we have distance and it turned out ok. I bet you will find that love!

Another wonderful update - lots of laughs. I will always think of my eyes as "jellybags" now!

So sorry about your grandmother.

Jellybag Convert!!!! Yes! My work here is done people! Thank you for the condolences. It means so much to me

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma!

Thank you

That's a good idea!




That is one of the sweetest things I ever had someone say to me!

 

[lazydoxy66]

You have such a way with words.
Who would have thought that a little glitter would cause such a mess. I'm sorry the jiggler didn't get it's fudge. I'll have some for it while I'm there.

You have my deepest sympathy for your grandma's passing.

 

[team weasel]

Oh snap. I think I have something in my Jelly Bag. It's a tear. Actually, I think it's two. One for the full on funny you brought in this installment, and one for the Notebook style lovestory of your grandparents. Sometimes the last dance is the sweetest.

Can't wait to read more.

 

[carrieannie]

I`m laughing so hard I`m crying!! And I`m only on page 4!!

I followed your link from TFW...wished I had come sooner!!!

 

[Mrs. The King]

You have such a way with words.
Who would have thought that a little glitter would cause such a mess. I'm sorry the jiggler didn't get it's fudge. I'll have some for it while I'm there.

You have my deepest sympathy for your grandma's passing.

Actually, Mr. The King thinks that the water gusher injured her eye and the glitter was just a bystander. I blame the glitter.

Thank you

Oh snap. I think I have something in my Jelly Bag. It's a tear. Actually, I think it's two. One for the full on funny you brought in this installment, and one for the Notebook style lovestory of your grandparents. Sometimes the last dance is the sweetest.

Can't wait to read more.

I love that you are a jellybag convert. You made me pop a tear out of the jellybag with your last statement

I`m laughing so hard I`m crying!! And I`m only on page 4!!

I followed your link from TFW...wished I had come sooner!!!

Ahh. Fockers have wonderful instincts. I am so glad you jumped on

 

[linmc1129]

Found this trip report, and went back and read your first one. It was sooo funny. I'm lovin' this one too. Can't wait for more. I am so sorry about your grandmother.

 

[princessjv]

bawwww....

Loved the chapter. What a total BBB disaster! Total!


But I am tears for what you wrote about your grandmother. I bet she is dancing with your grandfather all day long.