Sweet Mother of Fudge! 2/15 A Goodbye Summary~Pimples and Farts

[Goofyluver]

Repeats are always nice and important. The second coming...if you will.

As long as it's not the "morning after" a night out at Chili's...and Chili's strawberry daquiris...and the second coming that may or may not follow that.

Other than that...repeats are nice.

 

[whogirl'smom]

to Mama King!!

And welcome back to The Jiggler, who only gets funnier with time! Reruns are perfectly fine, especially tonight--whogirl'sdad has found a pre-season football game on. I will be a football widow very soon...

 

[Chris]

YEA!!! Mrs. the King is back!

and a great big WELCOME to Mrs. the King's mom!!!!

 

[Mrs. The King]

Ok I just got done reading your first TR!!! OMG I have not laughed that hard in so long. I am anxiously reading this one however I have neglected the kids too much today and we must go back to school shopping for shoes. They start Monday and need new sneakers for GYM class.

I'll catch up later!

I am so glad you laughed! Keep coming back

Did you just invite us to form a relationship with your tushy? What board is this?

And THAT'S the ballgame. Good night nurse! That is some kind of funny!

My tushy makes a good, noisy friend

I love it when I stumble upon the good stuff!!!!
Subscribing.....

Stumble on in!

I laughed just as much this year as I did when I read it last year!!! Of course, my two girls had to know why I was laughing so hard. So, of course, I read it to them...Maggie (10) swears she will never eat jello again!

Please write more!!!

Denise

Your wish is my command!

Omg....you have me laughing hysterically already. I have never read any of your other TR's but you can bet your hiney I'll be checking them out. I love your sense of humor and cant wait to hear more. Keep up the good work.....Stephanie

Oh, BTW my DD and DS are watching me like I've got the plague or something b/c I'm laughing so hard.....LOL.

The laughing plague is contagious

Hey, I just found your new trip report, lmao as usual

My favorite puggymamma ug:

Funny stuff Mrs. the King! A friend in high school had the wonderful Ford Festiva - I can totally picture it! LOL!

Those are really fun cars. If you like danger.

OK- I am laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face and I am alarming my daughter!! And sorry sweetheart, you can not read what is soo funny!!


And to think I read about the Jiggler ages ago- how must the jiggler naive be doing!

The Jiggler is getting older and more formidable

So glad I found your trip report!!! Loved the Jiggler story even more (if possible) this time around!

So glad you made it!!!!

Repeats are always nice and important. The second coming...if you will.

As long as it's not the "morning after" a night out at Chili's...and Chili's strawberry daquiris...and the second coming that may or may not follow that.

Other than that...repeats are nice.

Chili's repeats. I think we may be sisters. Sisters of the fart.

to Mama King!!

And welcome back to The Jiggler, who only gets funnier with time! Reruns are perfectly fine, especially tonight--whogirl'sdad has found a pre-season football game on. I will be a football widow very soon...

Football is only good at the Superbowl for the commercial's, come to Mrs. the King, here we avoid football. My mom is all up in here now!

YEA!!! Mrs. the King is back!

and a great big WELCOME to Mrs. the King's mom!!!!

Thanks for the welcome! Mom's on board !

 

[Mrs. The King]

****Flashback***

Just before we left for Disney I took the kids to a special program at the local Library. It was something about big and small critters. The programs have a decent reputation and considering how much PS loves animals, I thought it would be a good break before the long car ride. I was picturing live animals brought in for the kids to admire and maybe even touch. I had to pre register months in advance. Expectations were high. I met up with a fellow substitute teacher and her two boys there. We settled in to our seats. Our kids got great ones, right up front. I looked at my friend with eyebrows raised. In the front of the room there were no happy cages, no safari dressed bubbly animal wrangler. There was a woman who was blasted out of 1972 and plopped in front of a number of taxidermyed animals. Really old dead animals.

Oh no! Will PS have nightmares? Will she figure out that they are dead? Front row seats mind you. We had two little foxes, faces arranged in snarls, baring teeth. A large bird, talons exposed, A black bear, ferocious glare in place. And the saddest piece of all, a momma raccoon with her small dead baby raccoon in her mouth. Holy Guacamole, who thought this one was great show for kids! The refugee from 1972 began her presentation in the most monotone, boring tone of voice she could fester up. I think listening to an insurance salesman discuss the virtues of looseleaf paper would pack more of a punch. The kids ranged in ages from 2 to about 12. They were like angels listening as 1972 picked up one dead animal after another pointing to various dead parts and moving them slowly in a macabre horror show. She got to the raccoon family. She holds them up. All of the mothers in the audience look horrified. 1972 points out that these dead animals are so old, the mama raccoon’s “fingers” have worn off to nubs. Why did I let my kids sit through this? Well, the reward was getting to “pet” the animals.
1972 pulls my son out of his chair. He always gets picked for stuff, but usually it’s good stuff. She hands him the two stiff, dead foxes. He dutifully stuffs one under each arm and holds them at the right height for the other kids to “pet” them. PS gets on line and waits for her turn. Her reward. All of us mothers stand around waiting for our kids to do the exact opposite of what we would tell them in the wild.
“Don’t touch the dead animal!!” is echoing through all our heads. I guess you can put anything in a library, label it a “kids show” and we will all put up with it. I am thinking of all the road kill I will try and prevent the kids from seeing in our hours on the road. But I brought them out special for this nightmare. I look at my friend and say “I really hope the kids won’t be too disappointed when we get to Disney and the characters move around. Dead animals are so electrifying.”
We get in the van. I turn to look at their confused faces. PC sums it up with a “Well mom, that was weird”
Sorry Kids. Oops. Let’s rub some Disney on that weirdness until it goes away.

We have one last home dinner before we leave. I sit us down at the dining room table for a little reminder course in table manners. We are indulging in our first Disney Dining Plan experience this trip. Cast members and their families get a deal and we love deals. We made our ADR’s after careful deliberation of menus, reviews, etc.
We came up with Crystal Palace Breakfast, Boma, Chef Mickey Breakfast, O’Hana, and Hoop dee Doo Review for our table services. Mr. The King examined our list and came to the realization that we had unknowingly enrolled in the Disney Extreme Eating Plan. Every table service was “All you care to Eat”. Now, as far as we know, we are the first members of the DEEP. So here is a few tips for anyone else that has the gall (and the gallbladder) to enroll in this plan. First things first, you have to build up your endurance to get more than your money’s worth out of each meal.

Stretching your stomach to competitive eating strength is recommended. Begin shopping at a store like Sam’s or B.J.’s and buy your entrée’s and sides in bulk. Instead of dividing them up into more sensible portions, COOK IT ALL. And have at it. Eat. Learn to burp to make more room. Serve Tums in little finger bowls.

Back to our tutorial. Besides competitive eating, we like our family members to be polite at the table. There is only one sure fire way to remind the kids of the manners we like to see.

Show them what not to do. Mrs. The King cracked her knuckles and her neck, poured a tall soda and served chili dogs.

After much inappropriate and then, corrected appropriate, expelling of digestive noises, including, but not limited to the sentence “Kids, if you have to fart, try not to squeeze the cheeks, because that turns them into screamers!” Mr. The King noted that he felt like he had just had dinner with pirates. The kids asked to be excused from the table (good kids!). We were ready to take on eating in the World.
******

That, my friends was a flashback, from time to time, the trip report halts and throws us back to previous King experiences. Just hang in there.

Now the Kings were driving to Disney, straight through, cheating stops at McDonald’s when alas, eventually, after we learned that Georgia and South Carolina need Adult supercenters and their girls are TOPLESS! TOPLESS! TOPLESS!, we hit the first smattering of Palm Trees, then the “Welcome to Florida” sign.

We traditionally stop, drink Orange Juice take pictures, and move on. It feels wonderful there. Your whole trip is in front of you. Tinkerbell has been farting her pants off the entire ride, bestowing presents on my beautiful kids. I call my Dad for refresher directions to their retirement park. Really it’s like a town. This place is the Disney World of retirement parks. There are five pools, beautiful amenities, Mr. The King and I want to retire in that very place when the time comes..

Me ~ “Hi Dad”
Dad ~ "I will call back in a minute I am about to get a needle” Click.
Huh.

I have a great imagination. I am coming up with nada. What the heck are they doing?

“When you wish upon a star” my phone sings to me. I know my father is getting Minnie Mouse answering on his end.

Me ~ ”Dad?”
Dad ~ (slurring) ~”I’m in the dentist getting a tooth pulled, the dentist is here”
Dad slurs through the directions. And like a trooper hangs up to get a tooth ripped out. Last time I spoke to my parents, they were shopping in Wal Mart. That’s quite a jump from buying yoo-hoo to the dentist chair.

We still have three to four hours of driving, so we pile in. Mr. The King and I worry about Dad. I once had a tooth removed by a horrible dentist and wound up with Dry socket and no way to get a pain reliever. I am determined that Dad will not have to go through that.

A little about my Dad. I have known him my whole life. He is actually an invincible superhero. Tall, great looking, ridiculously strong with an impeccable sense of right and wrong. He is a superb driver, funny, and smart. When all the other Dads would sit on the beach at the lake, my Dad would be in the water throwing me and my sister high in the air, however many times we asked him, over and over again. My friends would line up behind me and he would throw them too. Our own personal water park.

None of the other Dads got off their lounge chairs. Now, as a grown lady, I realized how tired he must have been, working all week with overtime thrown in. It would have been so nice to lay on the beach for a little while.

He built me a tire swing, and treehouse and a dollhouse. He didn’t complain when he took me on Big Thunder Railroad for the first time and I peed on us both. What a great Dad. I have such High expectations for Mr. the King. I am proud to say he has never let me down once.

Right after Christmas my invincible Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He beat it. Get your PSA levels checked gentlemen, and ladies make sure your man gets his levels checked. It is a simple blood test and it can save lives. Easily run at an annual exam. Get a healthy baseline so you always know what your levels should be.

We were supposed to get a visit from my parents in April, but the cancer treatment needed to happen. We had not seen them since Christmas and it was now July. I wanted to see my Dad. I know the cancer is gone, and I was happy, but I wanted to see him with my own eyes. And my mother. 38 years of marriage. My parents are inseparable, miserable without one another. What was it like to go through this worry with your two daughters so far away?

And they miss the kids. We get closer.
And finally, we pull into the driveway and flood out of the van, Hugs and kisses and holding hands. And breathe. There is Dad, looking great, saying he is no pain from his tooth removal. And Mom, happy, crying scooping the kids up.

We are here. We made it. Florida is so far away and I feel like we leave part of our hearts there every time we head back home. The vacation has started. Fill up the drinks with light up ice cubes, and make the music loud. We have arrived.



Chapter 3 Body Hair Triage

 

[PrincessV]

Dude, the Jiggler stories never get old.

But. I'm still partial to The Ding. Or more specifically, the Great Manure/Festiva Incident. That's good stuff there!

 

[whogirl'smom]

We're doing the DEEP this time, too,--five AYCEs, but it wasn't intentional. I just don't want to stand in character lines this time. Live characters, mind you. That story reminded me of Feasting on Asphalt when they had the stuffed porcupine in the drug store.

 

[princesslibby]

“Kids, if you have to fart, try not to squeeze the cheeks, because that turns them into screamers!”

Funny stuff! Thanks, I needed an afternoon pick-me-up.

 

[Mr._The_King]

I have such High expectations for Mr. the King. I am proud to say he has never let me down once.

Did she really post this. (I must cut....and paste....and save for future reference.) LYMI
-MR.TK

 

[Goofyluver]

Awwwww. Funny sappy is always good.

Competitive eating...good advice!

Now where's this thing headed next??

 

[ZZUB]

PC sums it up with a “Well mom, that was weird”

At this point, that could be the title of this Trip Report.

Let’s rub some Disney on that weirdness until it goes away

Excellent line. If I said I was DED, would that mean anything to you?

After much inappropriate and then, corrected appropriate, expelling of digestive noises, including, but not limited to the sentence “Kids, if you have to fart, try not to squeeze the cheeks, because that turns them into screamers!” Mr. The King noted that he felt like he had just had dinner with pirates.

Sounds like you just had dinner with the ZZUBS.

A little about my Dad. I have known him my whole life. He is actually an invincible superhero. Tall, great looking, ridiculously strong with an impeccable sense of right and wrong. He is a superb driver, funny, and smart. When all the other Dads would sit on the beach at the lake, my Dad would be in the water throwing me and my sister high in the air, however many times we asked him, over and over gain. My friends would line up behind me and he would throw them too. Our own personal water park.

None of the other Dads got off their lounge chairs. Now, as a grown lady, I realized how tired he must have been, working all week with overtime thrown in. It would have been so nice to lay on the beach for a little while.

He built me a tire swing, and treehouse and a dollhouse. He didn’t complain when he took me on Big Thunder Railroad for the first time and I peed on us both. What a great Dad.

What an incredible thing to write about your dad! I have two daughters and I pray that when they are older they speak as well of me. I pray that I'm the kind of dad who deserves the kind of praise you've given your father.

 

[Chris]

Awwww, Mrs. the King what nice things to say about your dad.
Honestly sounds like mine!! We're very blessed!! Glad to hear he is doing well.

 

[Mother the King]

Crazy funny, so love the visit to the library. I laughed, and cried again. They say laughter is the best medicine, apparently you plan an healing the world. Thank you.

 

[princessjv]

Crazy funny, so love the visit to the library. I laughed, and cried again. They say laughter is the best medicine, apparently you plan an healing the world. Thank you.

Wow, will the entire King family be joining the DIS?


I second ZUBB. (did I really say that?). In 25 years or so, I hope that I have left such an impression on my children.

 

[praisehisname]

Great chapter(ish)! I went from snort laughing to tears in my eyes! I feel the same way about my dad, and I can't imagine what it must be like to live so far away from him.

Looking forward to more!

Denise

 

[DarthMickey03]

My first time reading one of your reports and I can't stop laughing. I even called my wife on the Tinkerbell toots and read it to her.

Subbing and can't wait to read more.

 

[PrincessV]

Darn - I must've replied to the last-last update just as you were posting the latest update... I missed it! Until now...

“I really hope the kids won’t be too disappointed when we get to Disney and the characters move around. Dead animals are so electrifying.”
We get in the van. I turn to look at their confused faces. PC sums it up with a “Well mom, that was weird”

We were supposed to get a visit from my parents in April, but the cancer treatment needed to happen. We had not seen them since Christmas and it was now July. I wanted to see my Dad. I know the cancer is gone, and I was happy, but I wanted to see him with my own eyes. And my mother. 38 years of marriage. My parents are inseparable, miserable without one another. What was it like to go through this worry with your two daughters so far away?

Oh sure, make me laugh AND cry in the same post!

We are here. We made it. Florida is so far away and I feel like we leave part of our hearts there every time we head back home. The vacation has started. Fill up the drinks with light up ice cubes, and make the music loud. We have arrived.

Yay!

Question: If Tinkerbell farts in a forest, but no one smells it, does it still smell like vanilla?

 

[Sabrina_Mouse]

This is going to be a great report! I can't wait to tell my daughter about the Tinkerbell toots!

 

[Mrs. The King]

This is the T shirt I made for my Grandpa's party for PS to wear, matching bow

The back of G-pa's shirt

Pluto front

Pluto Bows

Pluto Back

Pluto back shorts

Chip and Dale from the front with matching bows, ring, bracelet

Chip and Dale back

Ducks in love front and bows

Ducks in love back

I do these shirts with a combo of iron on images and hand painting with fabric paint. They have been washed a few times and the integrity of the images are breaking down a bit. I lightly went over the iron ons with fabric paint to make the colors pop and though they looked cute the first few times she worn them the fabric paint did not hang on to the iron ons. PS also helps paint a portion of each outfit except for the Chip and Dale one.

 

[blabbermouth]

Dear Mrs. The King.

Could you have a little bit more respect for those reading this at work?

As a general rule, my boss doesn't tend to think me not working is quite as funny as I find it.

*Sigh* Entirely too funny for work.

Enjoying this/can't wait for more/Going back to read the cockroaches,

Kelsey