Suicide, A Personal story.

[Robin]

My husband committed suicide on Oct. 5th.... I woke up to find him lying in bed with a gun shot wound to the head, the gun on his chest (I had slept in my daughter's bedroom so he could rest)... . Dan was battling cancer and was in a great deal of pain... I never once thought of him as selfish. Dan was terrified that Caitlyn would only remember him when he was sick, he wanted us to remember the good times. In the weeks after his death I have cleaned out closets and unpacked his old things from boxes... I found poems that he wrote about Caitlyn and I, I found a good bye letter to Caitlyn... a letter to give her on her graduation day. Dan ended his life the way he did to lessen the pain on all involved. I wish that he never got sick.. I don't blame him for wanting to check out a little early.

To those that think suicide is selfish... Please thank God they didn't "take" someone with them! I feel so bad for the family that is left behind, but my heart breaks for anyone that feels that there is no other way out. Yes, It is very hard to be the one that is left behind. Yes, It's horrible not having the answers we seek. Yes, It is something that you can never get over. Yes, It was THEIR decision.

The past 6 weeks for me have been very hard... I take lots of deep breaths and try to remember to count to 10 before over reacting. Caitlyn is asking more questions.. and we cry a lot. (I'm crying now). On Halloween I dropped Cait off at preschool she was so happy.. I kissed her good bye and told her I would pick her up at 5 pm "No, Mommy Dan Daddy is coming to get me" I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach. I tried to explain that Dan was in heaven and he couldn't come to get her.. "But Mommy, Dan Daddy can come visit on holidays" I couldn't hold back the tears.... Caitlyn sat in my lap and wept. At a certain point it really hits.. I was doing great at first, now things are getting harder. I am a fighter and will get through this... it's just one day at a time now.

 

[Deb in IA]

I am sorry for the pain you and Caitlin are experiencing.

With the passage of time, although the memory will never fade, perhaps the sharp pain will lessen to a more bearable dull ache. . .

 

[preshi]

I am in tears....

I don't know what to say....

You and Caitlyn have been constantly in my thoughts!

 

[Serena]

Robin, I don't know what to say either. {{{hugs}}} to both of you

 

[binny]

(((Robin))))

I am in tears for you loss and his pain.

I have been thinking about you and Caitlyn and praying for you both!

 

[JerseyJanice]

It sounds as though you are handling the situation as best you can. I am so sorry for yours and Caitlyn's pain.

I don't know what else to say. {{{hugs}}}

 

[dizneenut]

I'm so sorry, Robin.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Caitlin.
{{{hugs}}}

 

[debster812]

Oh Robin, I have no words.

I am so so sorry for Dan's pain, and for yours and Caitlyn's.

All my best to you, and it does sound as if you are working through things as they come, and doing a pretty good job at it.

Deb

 

[browneyes]

I guess how one views suicide is a personal experience as most other things in how we associate it. Every suicide is different, done for a variety of reasons. I can understand why your Dan would choose to take the choice he took. I don't consider what he did as selfish at all.

In my own family experience with my aunt's suicide, she was physically very healthy. She evidentally had a mental disability that she nor the rest of us knew about. She had talked to me a lot about wanting to kill herself. I constantly urged her to seek the help she so desperately needed and it was always "I will someday". She too ended her life with a gun to the head. That was after she had shot and wounded her husband (he survived). So to me, her suicide will always be viewed as selfishness on her part.

My heart goes out to you and little Caitlyn. You two have gone through so much and from what I read Dan was such a sweet man. {{hugs}} And I'm sorry if you've read anything I've written about my personal view on suicide as hurtful. I have never meant to offend. As I said earlier, I don't consider what he did as selfish. He always thought of you and Caitlyn first.

 

[nativetxn]

So much pain for you and Caitlynn

I wish I could take away the pain, I wish I had some magic words.

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. Remember that we are always here, if you need to talk, and that we care.

Katholyn

 

[helenabear]

Robin, I don't know what to say either. You and Caitlyn are in my thoughts often {{{hugs}}}

 

[newmousecateer]

Keeping you and Caitlin in my thoughts, Robin.

{{HUGS}}

 

[Nikole]

Prayers and well wishes for you and Caitlyn! Your story has moved me to tears and I agree that no one has the right to judge the decision he made! Stay strong! Know that if you need anything we're here for you!

 

[mickey65]

Keeping you in my thoughts

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

 

[wdwnutze]

You and Caitlin will be in our thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks for all of you.

 

[CrazyBoutDisney]

I have been praying for you and Caitlin ever since that fateful day. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing and truly admire how you are holding up and handling your precious daughter and her pain. My heart goes out to both of you. My prayers continue. God bless you both. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

 

[kdibattista]

My father committed suicide when I was 4 years old and I still grieve (I am 26 now). It has gotten easier but be prepared for several phases your daughter will go through. My story is a bit different. The one thing that has always bothered me is that people "don't want to talk about it". I grew up not knowing what really happened. I knew he committed suicide but I didn't know the history. I have recently found out what his frame of mind was and I do not think at all he was selfish - he was mentally sick (I think schizophrenic - sp?). Just imagine how painful his life was that he choose to kill himself rather than deal. He left behind a wife and 2 children he adored. I also have a note left behind that I treasure and I know your daughter will too. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk!!

 

[Pixie Power!]

My heart goes out to you and Caitlyn, you are always in my thoughts my friend.


Hugs,
Emma

 

[RitaZ.]

Robin~ I have no words of wisdom, just {{{hugs}}} for you and your little girl.

 

[tkyes]

I'm so sorry Robin.

You and Caitlyn will be in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story.

{{{hugs}}}


Tamie