suggestions for coworker with cancer

[ez]

A coworker of mine has just begun chemo in her battle with hodgkins. We are both in our early 40s, and although we have known each other for 16 years, she has been working at the other office for the last 8 or so, so we have just recently reconnected, now she does the route next to me. She is unmarried, no kids. We are both being treated crappily by management, because of our physical limitations.(I am pg) According to the drs, her hair should start falling out anyday, and she will continue to feel worse and worse. I feel so bad for her, but I find myself being upbeat and making jokes. I don't know why, but somehow I feel this is what she needs from me. I told her in a year we are going on an all girls cruise with another coworker and celebrate her battle being overwith and won. Fortunately, I have never found myself in a situation like this before, and I am wondering, is it ok to take this approach. I mean, I am very sympathetic when she tells me about her hellish doctors visits, its not like I blow her off, but I find myself continually talking about when its all over, how good she will feel, She will be svelte and look hot, etc. I would appreciate anyones advice on how I can be a better friend to this woman. Thanks!

 

[HollyJoy]

I think just by doing what you are doing. TALK to her. So often, people avoid talking to those who are ill because they don't know what to say. She probably just needs someone to listen to her, to be there for her like any normal friend would be. Go get your nails done together, or take in a movie, invite her to dinner.. do girlfriend stuff. I know when my MIL was battling her cancer, her friends were really great. They'd call her all the time, show up to take her to lunch, send her little "pick me up gifts" from time to time. .. they were just always there. We should all be so lucky to have friends like that.

 

[kild]

I think you are being a great friend now. Your upbeat attitude will probably help her. I don't see a problem at all about making plans for after she beats this. Again, your attitude may be the ray of sunshine that she needs through this tough time.

Good luck to both of you. Here's to a full recovery.

 

[Cruise04]

It IS okay to be this way with her. Looking toward the future is sometimes what a cancer patient needs. Hope for the future!!!!

You're a good friend for being their for and with her!

 

[DoeWDW]

I think you should talk to your friend about this - ask her how she feels?? Tell her exactly what you told us - that usually you'll be upbeat but if that approach ever starts to rub her the wrong way, she should tell you about it. Start the conversation with her - she'll help guide you.

She's very lucky to have a good friend like you.

 

[tar heel]

I have a friend who is getting her second chemo treatment tomorrow. I'm taking a meal for her family tomorrow evening and also have offered to take her to chemo whenever she needs me. her treatments are on Fridays and I don't work on Friday. I also have told her and will continue to tell her to count on me for someone she can call to pick up kids, etc. I also took a meal over after she had surgery and plan to continue to do that a couple times a month until the treatment is over.

You said your friend is single. If she is alone, she could probably really use meals/company after the treatment. My friend felt okay that day but really yucky on days 3 and 4.

 

[4greatboys]

I think its okay to be upbeat but be sure to listen to her when she is down. Sometimes someone with terminal or possibly terminal just needs to get things off their chest and sometimes its something thats not easy to hear.

 

[mickeyboat]

Sounds like you know her well enough to take your cues from her as to what she wants. Tune in to her responses and tailor what you say and do accordingly.

She is probably hearing and feeling so much gloom and doom right now, she must enjoy your attitude.

Prayers for you and your friend.

Denae

 

[Magix]

Keeping a sense of humor and lightness through such a difficult battle is vital! When my mom was sick, I made jokes all the time. We laughed and had fun whenever we could. Sometimes my jokes may have seemed a bit inappropriate to other people (like when I kept making jokes while we made her funeral arrangements together), but to mom and I it was a necessary bit of light added to some very dark moments. Without humor, a battle with cancer would be much too difficult to bear.

Check out this website for some backup on this idea: Laughter Heals This is an organization started by comedian Craig Shoemaker to help those dealing with illness (and their families and friends) make laughter an important part of their treatment.

Keep laughing and looking forward to life after cancer with your friend. She'll appreciate it.

 

[Micca]

She probably needs different thing from different people during this difficult time. She is lucky to have a friend like you who is able to fill the role of the upbeat and funny friend.

 

[christineann]

Is she doing her chemo in-patient or day treatment? My friend Annie had leukemia, and she appreciated company when she had to go to day treatment. When she had in-patient treatment, several of us took turns sitting in the hospital with her, helping her get to the restroom and cleaning up when needed. When she lost her hair, we made a point to always wear a hat or cap when we went to see her (she had a great sense of humor and thought we were nuts). We were kindergarten teachers together, and one day we made hats out of construction paper and drew flowers with crayons all over them. We used to call her hospital room "camp Annie". Sometimes just being there to listen is the best. I wish your friend a good recovery!

 

[Dan Murphy]

An important thing, ez, is to be there, for your friend, months from now. When the 'novelty' of communicating with the 'new' cancer patient wears off and not many people are reaching out to help, you try and be there for her. People don't 'disappear' on purpose, but the newness of trhe moment wears off, people get on with their own lives. You are doing great, IMO, just great, keep it up. My best wishes with prayers for her.

 

[antbritt]

I am sorry to hear about your coworker.
I have a dear friend who is a coworker whose wife is undergoeing Chemo right now for Breast CA. It is so hard to see him try to figure out how to make his wife feeel better. She cannot have flowers as the smell really bothers her now. She has lost all of her hair and She has lost weight she also is on medical leave from work
We are all supporting her and him the best we can. But There was something that we collectively sent to her that made her day. This was a Pajamagram. It is pajama 's that come in a special box. They have nes for all occaisions. She loved this so much her husband bought her another pair for mother's day. It made her feel pretty when she was feeling down. \
Check out the link below
http://www.pajamagram.com/
My prayers for your friend for a complete recovery.

 

[elmosmom]

Being a good friend is the best medicine and I think your doing a wonderful job.
During some difficult times in my life I needed people to just talk to me about real things. Movies, books, t.v. aything but my health. It made me feel connected to the real word.
A long time friend of mine made jokes about my hair loss and that really hurt me.
I think overall I appreciated a hug, a smile and just being treated like I was okay~~

 

[Trish5768]

What you are doing is wonderful!!! I know that I felt so alone when I was diagnosed, I found myself comforting my friends who would just cry and act like I had one foot in the grave. I would have loved to have had a friend like you at the time who would not treat me any differently than they did the day before I found out. Keep up the good work, I'm sure it means more to your friend then you will ever know. I'll be praying for her and you as well.

 

[Chuck-PA]

My wife's sister (she lived in Fla) had lung cancer and while going through chemo treatments and all, the family called her, sent jokes via emails, anything to keep her upbeat and her mind off of cancer. We even talked about her going on a cruise with her husband. She loved HSN and was ordering clothes for the trip.

My other sister in law, went to visit her and went with her to cut her hair short prior to losing it all and helped her pick a wig out, so as to ease her into it. It is a big thing when her hair is gone.

While visiting her, we sat and reminsced about good times, and just laughed. She needed that because all of the other times she would be sick or in constant pain and would think about her cancer, and have the "Why me" blues.
At some point, a serious conversation may have to take place, does she have everything in order in the event things get worse.
Things like, a living will and last will and testament?
Meals are a great suggestion, but do not be upset if she doesn't eat, her taste buds change during chemo and also may not be hungry.
Also, if she is on meds, she may need help making sure she takes them. She might forget or if she dont like the taste, she won't take it.

 

[disneyfan551]

I think you're being a great friend. It's so nice of you to think of her needs at this time.

I'm also struggling. We're leaving today to see my DGM that just found out she has cancer (spread all over her body, and they can't treat it...). She doesn't know that we know yet, and I'm so unsure of how to treat the situation. I know we have to be positive though! My dgm will probably handle it better than my Mom. It's a tough time.

 

[Disney Doll]

Humor is a great healer during illness. Take your cues form your friend. If she seems liek she is getting annoyed with the humor thing, back off it a little. Or, as another poster suggested, tell her to tell you if she's not "in the mood" for humor that day or whatever.

I can remember when my DFIL was dying, my DMIL felt she had to tell him it was "OK" for him to "go". It was a very tender moment, with her telling him she'd be fine, the kids would take care of her, and he should o when he was ready. Then she added "But don't take forever. I ean, don't go right now if you don't want to, but don't drag this out for a month." I know it sounds like ...oh my God, how uncaring...but if you knew my in-laws and knew their relationship, it was so "them" and so perfect, and such a perfect illustration of their life together, that it was priceless!!!!

PS- My DFIL died a few hour slater. Probably didn't want to "PO' the "Queen" (his nickname for her) one last time!

 

[disneyfan551]

Sweet story, thanks for sharing.

 

[Dan Murphy]

DD------