Suddenly Single

[BRDof3]

Wow, that's quite a load. First, you have a lot of friends here, hang onto that support thread. Second, you need a counselor, someone that can help with the legal coordination and then work on how/what/when to tell the kids.

I don't know the Army, but is there something that is the equivalent of a civilian employer's emergency assistance program? Is there a family services agency that works with the military families? There are several former military members on this site, maybe they can help identify the agencies you need.

You need to have someone that can help coordinate all the aspects of this, and help explain them. All of the people you mentioned are involved in the prosecution of dh. Their work may indirectly or directly benefit you, but they are not working to help you with your needs. Find someone that can. And please keep letting us know that you are OK.

 

[auntie]

Okay, forgive me please...but I'm not familiar with some of the terms. He has been arrested..or held by the army....and will be going to jail..yet he is out and about..or will be?
I would start with your older children..surely, if they are old enough to be married and have kids of their own, they can also be of some help to you in explaining that mom and dad will not be living together to the younger ones. I would think from what you've posted, that they are aware on some level that things haven't been going well, and I would be honest with them, given that it appears that social services is involved to some extent, and may want to remove your younger children. As far as what to tell the younger ones..I have no idea what it is that your soon to be ex husband has done..and I would limit the explanation and keep it simple. If he is a danger to the children or to you...no matter how old they are..they need to know that. Even if they don't know specifics. They can understand that they should not be out alone and they need to be with one of the older kids or you if they go outside. I think if you confide in the older kids together you can come up with a plan and preventive routines, until you are able to relocate.
I'm concerned with social services being involved..is it possible for the army to assign you an advocate of some sort to contact them, with an explanation that you and your children involved with what your husband is accused of. I also agree with the previous poster who indicated that perhaps there is a social worker of some sort that the army can provide that would be able to assist you in relocating and the other issues regarding your situation.

 

[jrandtysmom]

Oh honey I wanted to cry when reading your post but that'll do neither of us any good but here is a hug. What Rob said is right, find some advocacy/counseling group within the Army or even within your community if the Army is too slow in getting the help you and your kids need. I wouldn't wait as this situation sounds dangerous and although they can give you a piece of paper - that does nothing if he decided to come around to harm you. They will also help with telling your kids and the emotional support/counseling you'll need to get through/past this. My church does some volunteering and help with our local women's shelter and I've heard some horror stories from women who were/are married to very dangerous men and there was no way they could get themselves out of the situation - they needed help from our local agencies. It meant giving up everything in some cases and leaving with just the clothes on their backs and their children. Hopefully your situation doesnt come to that but I definately would find someone to help you. It's a good thing that he is already removed from your home but don't accept them wanting you to just wait it out to see what happens - insist that someone listen and go as high as you have to go to get them to get you out BEFORE he comes back. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[mamaloya]

Rob, I am in the process of starting counseling, but this storm has delayed many things. I have been bumped from one place to the other. It seems that no one knows who handles the victims advocacy here. Monday a friend is keeping my children for the entire day and I intend to visit every acronym known to the army until someone gives me an answer in writing as to what I can expect. My pastor back home has been working with me, but his cell phone is not working right now, I assume because of the storm. I have not even been able to tell him this latest news. When I told him what my dh did he was not even surprised. I asked him why not and he said "I always knew he was hiding something." My pastor and his wife are wonderful and I am actually moving close to them rather than my family. My friend, neighbor and chaplain here are also from where my pastor is and they are there all the time. They are all going to help me, but this storm changes things. Does anyone know Baton Rouge is doing?

I am a strong person and should be fine. My main concern right now is my children and my safety.

 

[BRDof3]

My main concern right now is my children and my safety.

We're praying for both.

 

[Shannone1]

My dh did something horrific. He got caught and is going to jail. He currently has 7-8 charges against him and some of the evidence is from me. This is why we are divorcing. He has always been an unbelievably cruel person. His emotional abuse was stifling.

First of all, you have to stop beating yourself up about your choice of husband. I'm very sure you did not know these things about him when you got married. You were young and in love. You are a very strong woman and I have a lot of respect for you and the fact that you reconized a bad situation and are making sure your kids are taken care of. It isn't easy to leave and you already made that step !! You will never be able to go back and change the past so you have to stop blaming yourself. Keep moving forward !!

I'm glad the army is helping you and will be there for you to help you get settled into your new life.

As for what to tell the kids. Keep in simple for the younger ones. Tell them daddy did something bad and he won't be coming back home for awhile. Tell them that he still loves them, they will need to hear that. Your older ones will understand better and you may be surprised at how much they have already figured out on their own.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You know we are all here for you. You can PM me if you want to go into more detail or talk further about things.

 

[mamaloya]

Phyllis, the army's justice system is a little different. He has been "arrested" the way the army does it and charges have been filed. The CID (NCIS for army) feel it is an open and shut case. THey have enough evidence to nail him. He has been held underguard while overseas to keep him out of the way over there. And, I assume, for his safety as a few people over there would like to see him dead. They are bringing him back, but he is free until trial. CID told me they were trying to keep that from happening, but his commander has the call. CID got OCS/CPS to back off and the agent in charge of the case actually came to my home when the CPS SW came by to keep the SW from breaking any laws. OCS/CPS is civilian and can do what they want. THey have received calls from ACS, MPs, CID, and a civilian investigator as well that told them to back off that my dh is not here and I am handling things fine. I have been told that OCS is like a bulldog and doesn't like to let things go. The SW is new as well, so she is like salivating over this. My children have all been interviewed by a children's advocacy center in Alexandria and the SW seems to have backed off for now, but she says she has the right to stop by anytime.

I just feel helpless. I can't do anything until this storm blows over, which may be why I have been focussing on Gustav so much, trying to take my mind off of things.

 

[auntie]

I see you mentioned the kids have been interviewed...I'm curious what explanation did you give them for this? It would appear that perhaps the older kids may already know?...If not, I think you know you have to tell them quickly so as to help in preparing the younger ones. I'm no expert (by a LONG shot)...but maybe you need to consult an attorney, who could represent YOU..in regards to issues pertaining to both CPS and the future prosecution of your husband. An advocate whose primary and only interest in this situation is the welfare of you and your children. Perhaps your pastor could advise you in regards to this...or even know of someone who might be able to lend a hand.
Please know I will pray for your safety and that of your family.

 

[AuburnJen92]

I am definitely with Phyllis. I know the storm is in your way, but the faster you find an advocate, the better all of us will feel. We are very worried for you and your family.

 

[seabee]

Sandra,

I'm not sure who you have in your corner, but how is your relationship with your husband's command? Are you able to talk with his CO? Maybe they can get things rolling for you. When my DH was hurt and we needed to pack out quickly his command was great at cutting through the red tape. In fact they got my pack out approved and done with in 2 days. Something that I was told would take at least 3 weeks. I don't know if they can do that with the situation, but it's worth the try. Even if it isn't to send you to your permanant place, but a safe place. I don't understand why he isn't going to be in custody of the army, even if he is back at your base. It shouldn't really matter if they want him or not, he is a threat to you and your children.

Another place to try, I don't know what the Army has, but the Navy has the Navy/Marine Corp. Relief Society. You can go there for financial help, etc. in an emergency. If the army has something like that maybe you could get them to help you financially, or maybe they have contacts to help you to get to a safe place until the court martial is over, then you can do your move. At least you would be away of the area where you husband can get to you.

For you personally, sit down with your older children and explain the situation. It won't be easy, that is for sure, but it IS necessary. Tell them the precautions that are important that they take. And explain as much as you can to the younger children. They must be aware of some of what has been going on. Let them know that you are trying to protect them, that it is going to be tough for a while, but your priority is to keep them safe. Daddy is not a safe person to be around right now. They need to know that. It will probably be one of the hardest things you do but you have to be honest and straight forward with them. They may surprise you, and they are proabably more scared not knowing what is going on then if they knew the truth.

I really wish I could be more help to you. I don't know much about the way the Army works. You and your children will be in my thoughts, and I wish you safety and a quick remedy to your situation. Good luck Sandra, and stay safe.


Edit: I just read your above post-I see that his commander could be the one that lets him go. I think that Phyllis is right. You might want someone away from the military looking out for you and your children.

 

[VACAMPER]

just know that we are all here for you and are praying for your family. Hang in there and be safe.

 

[F4disneyfan]

I am actually too angry to male bash right now, but I sure will make up for lost time when I am up for it.

As for the chit chat though, I could use some useless chit chat right now. I am avoiding my neighbors right now not knowing who knows what. I am usually outside all day everyday after school hanging out with everyone while the kids play. The army is small though and gossip gets around here like wildfire. I have always avoided gossip and have never been the center of it. It is about to get like an army wives episode around here. Yes, I watch that show. And, no, it is not very realistic, until now. And, no, I did not do it.

I know there are a few of you on here who became suddenly single after a few years of marriage. How did you adjust? I am not looking for dating tips, because I don't ever plan on dating again. I am washing my hands of men altogether. I am done!!!!!!!!! Just want to know how you handled the switch.

Also, still waiting on designs on tatoos.

Here are my 2 current Disney related tattoo's

 

[mamaloya]

I just told the kids that someone wanted to talk to them about how their life was. The psycholist was wonderful. She truly understands how to handle kids. She was so nonchalant about the whole thing that the kids actually thought it was fun and did not want to leave. They had really cool toys.

My dd12 knows everything, but the younger ones do not. dd20 is in Germany with a new baby and does not need to deal with this right now. ds17 is in New Orleans (well MS until the storm blows over) and only knows that I am moving back home and getting a divorce. Those 2 are not my dh's children. ds17 moved in with his dad last year as the schools here are not very good.

I am too old to be going through all this drama and starting over. I am a grandma for crying out loud. I am supposed to be settled in and homey. I know the Lord will see me through this, but I wish He would make it quick.

I actually went online just now looking at teaching jobs in FL. The pay is the same as here, but cost of living is lower here I think. Where I am moving is only 10 hours from FW, but would love to go to Tallahassee.

I think after the storm passes I will tell the littles. I will pray that the Lord will give me the right words and the strength. I will then find the victim's advocacy program here, wherever they are hiding it, on Monday. From there, they should be able to get me home and start getting settled. Maybe they can delay returning him here until I am gone. I was planning on moving in Dec. My dd12 decided to go to public school, so she started at school last week. It is going to stink to have to change schools already. I have a friend who will keep her while I get settled, so she will have maybe another month here. I was planning on going home to look for a house in Oct when she had a couple of days off. Now I will go and spend a week at my pastor's house (well outside in the driveway in my camper) while I get everything lined up. Please pray that a house, job and schools fall into place quickly. I can just take essentials to start out with. I can live on air mattresses until the army sends my stuff. I have not done anything like this on my own in close to 20 years.

The only thing I know for sure is that I need to disappear unless they can post a guard at my house 24/7.

OK, I have to get downstairs, the wind is really starting to pick up hear and is sounding rough out there.

Thanks for being my sounding board guys. It is helpful to have the opinion of people a little removed from the situation.

 

[Gatordad]

Keep your chin up. Good things happen to good people....

 

[seabee]

Hang in there Sandra. I can tell you from my personal experience you will be surprised how much you can handle when you have to. Please know that we are all praying for you.

 

[terri01p]

Not really knowing the full story it's hard to speculate on what you should do, all I can add is, get help from your pastor that you trust. I pray that everything works out quickly for you and your children, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[lisa8200]

Try to remain strong. I don't think I need to point out how serious this sounds, you seem very aware of this already. Sorry I don't have any advice on how to handle this. I know what I would expect Lisa to do in that situation but, views on protection( and laws per state) vary. our prayers for this to to end swiftly and without further incident are with you.

 

[PolynesianPixie]

sandra....I don't have a clue what to say. My heart is breaking for you. I will pray for you and your children. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you! Truly! We will always be here to listen.

 

[RvUsa]

Ok, let me preface this with saying, I am a guy, so I may be way off on this. But is there a chance you could get the local/national media involved in this? If it was out there:

1: It would put pressure on his CO/commander (I am not sure of the term sorry), if everyone knew what was happening, he would be less likely to just let him go on his own. It is amazing how different people act when under the "eye" of the press

2: It may give you some more support. A person or agency that might not know about it now, may find out and be able to help.

3: It may also put the pressure on the social worker to do what is right, and help you not try to hurt you.

4: Like I said, I don't know the specifics, but there would also be the revenge factor of letting the press know, they could tell your side of the story and embarrass the heck out of him.

Like I said, I am a guy, so I could be way off on this, but in my defense I am a guy LOL.
Just know, that even tho I am a guy, I am praying for you and your kids to be safe, and I hope that your life gets back to normal as soon as possible.

 

[ntsammy5]

Sandra, I'm speechless.

My prayers are with you.

What level command are you talking about? Company, BN, BDE? My suggestion is that if his commander won't help move up the chain until you get someone who will.

Good luck and keep us posted.