Stuck between ex and dd....

[LuvCuteBoys]

I know nothing about the GI Bill... but as someone who paid for every penny of my college tuition on my own, I think she should graciously accept whatever it is he is giving her and accept it on his terms. Or don't accept it at all.

 

[JessicaR]

Okay - I think I understand. There is the money to pay tuition etc which will go to her college and then there is some sort of allowance that can be used to pay miscellaneous and living expenses and he is telling her that he'll give her some of that but is going to keep some for himself, even though he actually has nothing for expenses himself related to her education because he never even travels to see her?

So if this is my daughter this is what I'd say.

"Honey, this is what we call putting on our big girl panties and dealing with real life instead of ideal life. Dad is giving you one hecka alot of money and you really can't afford to gripe and moan that he isn't give you one hecka alot of money plus more money and piss him off and end up with squat. Now go put on your happy face and tell your Daddy thank you, and you better sound sincere about it."

Then I'd text your DH and say

"Welcome to fathering a teen."

Or you could just stay out of it too.

After reading through - this is the best answer!

 

[disykat]

Fraud?

This college tuition money is a benefit HE earned with his military service. He is CHOOSING to give it to his dd instead of keeping it for himself or giving it to another immediate family member..

No - it appears he's claiming the benefit and then choosing to only give PART of it to be used for college expenses. I don't think you can claim the benefit without someone in college.

The OP certainly didn't give any indication that he only reinlisted for this benefit.

 

[Briarmom]

I'm confused, too.

I'm using DH's GI bill. He is NOT retired, so no, you don't have to be retired to use their GI bill.

I don't get any extra money. All the money for my classes goes directly to the University. We don't get a cheque or anything. I get 36 months of school paid for, so if I will always make sure to take lots of credits at a time to maximize.

I'm just not sure where he's going to get this $$$.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

She will get 34k and 4 years of nursing at this school will be over 44k.

She knew that her stepdad and I had the money to get her through the first year and that her second year she would need a part time job etc.

She would have gone the first year free regardless, but that is it.

So this will be saving you about $10,000, too, won't it?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm confused, too.

I'm using DH's GI bill. He is NOT retired, so no, you don't have to be retired to use their GI bill.

I don't get any extra money. All the money for my classes goes directly to the University. We don't get a cheque or anything. I get 36 months of school paid for, so if I will always make sure to take lots of credits at a time to maximize.

I'm just not sure where he's going to get this $$$.

From the link above. (Sorry, couldn't copy and paste.)

Eligibility is established when you have completed at least 6 years of service and reenlist for at least 4 more years.

An eligible spouse can begin using the benefits anytime after the participant completes six years of service and completed [the required form] at the time of reenlistment.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That is indeed the question...is it fraudulent to take the GI bill and utilize the monies for things it wasn't intended for.

It seems the living expenses are for the student---thus why they provide a stipend. The question that remains if transferring the benefit means the WHOLE benefit or can he pocket some cash for himself (perhaps tax free?).

If the military calls it fraud--his service to the country is meaningless and his dd's conduct is irrelevant.

So does anyone know if it is fraud or not (as a fact...not an opinion)?

Fraud?

This college tuition money is a benefit HE earned with his military service. He is CHOOSING to give it to his dd instead of keeping it for himself or giving it to another immediate family member. He had to stay an additional 4 years in the military in order to qualify to do this. This benefit comes with a stipened which, again, he earned. Why he's choosing to keep half is up to him (or whether he'll even be able to, who knows, but I would imagine that the military might agree with a parent's prerogative/knowing best on how to use these funds when it comes to a child using them). Perhaps he knows something about the dd that we don't know and thinks, for whatever reason, it wouldn't be a good idea to give her the whole thing.

ETA actually Mom thinks it's a good idea, too.


But regardless, I hardly think it qualifies as fraud. It's a benefit to the veteran and to the veteran's family.

I can't believe people are turning this around to make it seem like he's being a manipulative, selfish jerk. Talk about looking a Gift Horse in the mouth. Geez. Many people would be very happy to have this. I know I would have.

 

[kellyg403]

I do want to clear up that I do think that it is a great gift to her. Those who have posted don't know me, him or dd. I do think giving her an allowance is an o.k. idea, not because she wouldn't handle it correctly or I don't trust her but the first year of college, two hours away from home is a heady experience. I think she should have to learn to manage her money etc. That is not an issue. I did not get involved in anything that went on with this since I figured he is the guy who would know what to do and it would be her benefit.

Pea N Me, you are right you don't know ex, you only have one side and you are correct. I assure you though, there is not deep dark secret re: dd, she is just a bit immature regardless of what she thinks, and honestly never 'had' to budget. She has her savings account from working, but during her hs years working was NOT a priority as she had other activities. Mostly geared to getting good scholarships. When she didn't think she needed to apply for more scholarships. But ex. told her he expects me to pay 1/2 of what is given to her back to him. I don't agree when I am solely responsible for the two boys. I don't agree with the way the two of them are handling things since this whole speaks volumes about their relationship. For years she has not said or done anything unkind to him because she always wanted things to be rosy. If he called on fri at 5 when he was supposed to be here at 4 and said he had to work she said that is fine dad. Then on Sunday night when she saw the pictures of his w/end in Vegas she still didn't say anything unkind even though I had to wash away the tears and try to explain that sometimes things happened and she needed to talk to him about why he would do that. So, now we are in a snowball situation...the straw that broke the camels back and the two of them are expecting ME to figure out a way to make everything rosy again. I can't and quite frankly don't want to. Had I been consulted I would have probably DISAGREED with him doing this because of what is going on. This was BOUND to happen.

Kelly

 

[Bluestars]

Although it sounds like he hasn't been the best father, what he is doing for her will benefit her. Is she mad because she won't get all of the monthly money?

I think she should take whatever is offered, act grateful towards him, and suck it up when he says annoying things. It will be worth it for her in the long run. I think she needs to look at the big picture. She is getting a free education.

I can certainly understand how it would be difficult to deal with an absentee dad who is never around and then offers you something of value, only to hold it over your head. But it's a free education. Being nice will be a very small price to pay.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

That is indeed the question...is it fraudulent to take the GI bill and utilize the monies for things it wasn't intended for.

It seems the living expenses are for the student---thus why they provide a stipend. The question that remains if transferring the benefit means the WHOLE benefit or can he pocket some cash for himself (perhaps tax free?).

If the military calls it fraud--his service to the country is meaningless and his dd's conduct is irrelevant.

So does anyone know if it is fraud or not (as a fact...not an opinion)?

It appears to be at the discretion of the veteran.

Nature of Transfer

An eligible Service member may transfer up to the total months of unused Post-9/11 GI Bill benefits, or the entire 36 months if the member has used none (unless DoD/DHS limits the number of months an individual may transfer).

Family member use of transferred educational benefits is subject to the following:

Spouse:
May start to use the benefit immediately.
May use the benefit while the member remains in the Armed Forces or after separation from active duty.
Is not eligible for the monthly stipend or books and supplies stipend while the member is serving on active duty.
Can use the benefit for up to 15 years after the service member’s last separation from active duty.

Child:
May start to use the benefit only after the individual making the transfer has completed at least 10 years of service in the Armed Forces.
May use the benefit while the eligible individual remains in the Armed Forces or after separation from active duty.
May not use the benefit until he/she has attained a secondary school diploma (or equivalency certificate), or reached 18 years of age.
Is entitled to the monthly stipend and books and supplies stipend even though the eligible individual is on active duty.
Is not subject to the 15-year delimiting date, but may not use the benefit after reaching 26 years of age.
http://www.gibill.va.gov/gi_bill_info/ch33/transfer.htm

Transfer rights
The right to transfer Post-9/11 GI Bill benefits to a spouse or child is one of the most attractive parts of the new program to many career members.

In general, transfer rights are available to those with at least six years of service who agree to serve an additional four years in the military. Special rules apply to people who, on Aug. 1, 2009, were not able to serve an additional four years because of high-year tenure restrictions or because they already had an approved retirement date.

The service member allocates the amount of benefits to be shared, which must be done in writing. The transfer can be rescinded at any time and the amount of benefits being shared also can be changed, although changes are limited to one per month and the amount of shared benefits cannot exceed what members would have received if they did not share their GI Bill benefits.

http://www.armytimes.com/benefits/education/online_hbml10_education_post911gibill/

 

[minkydog]

To clarify, I do think dad is correct in giving her an allowance. I don't think she should get everything handed to her, hence the prior planning when we did not know if he would be paying for half as he was court ordered to do. I am just sick of hearing how ungrateful SHE is and how many sacrifices he has made. The two of them are acting like two spoiled two year olds and I am stuck in the middle when I had ZERO say in the situation.

But see? You don't *have* to be stuck in the middle. If your daughter is old enough to go to college then she is old enough to negotiate some kind of financial arrangement with her dad. And it sounds like she did. I frankly agree with her dad--he *should* give her a stipend, at least until he sees how she manages her funds. And if sounds like he's offering to pay over 75% of college expenses. How many HS grads get that? IMO, your daughter should be on her knees thanking her dad in every way she can. I know you think he's a complete jerk, that's evident from your post. But this is between them, so you need to bow out and let them handle. What's the worst that could happen? He withdraws the funds? She has to get loans? Like all the rest of us?

(Personally, she may decide it's not worth the stipulations. My 22yo DNephew recently had a showdown with his parents over their micromanaging his college career. His dad threatened to dry up funds and DN challenged him to do so. Now DN is paying his own way, living on his own and being an adult. And his dad is mad because he no longer has any control over him. Go Nephew!)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Pea N Me, you are right you don't know ex, you only have one side and you are correct. I assure you though, there is not deep dark secret re: dd, she is just a bit immature

I understand things get sticky. Believe me.

I just think that, as I mentioned before, your dd would be foolish not to take full advantage of this gift that her father is giving her. And I'll go one step further to say I think it may actually go a long way towards healing whatever hurts you've all suffered in the past. You just have to work with it. He has done good here even if he has not in the past.

I know you worked unbelievably hard all these years as a virtual single parent. It must have been really difficult for you and I'm sure I'd feel angry, too, if I were in your shoes.

But OTOH, a military life is not easy, either. And I haven't met a perfect parent yet. My father was a Veteran and he was always very proud of the benefits he earned in service to his country (and they certainly weren't as good then as they are today).

At any rate, good luck to your family and to your dd in college/nursing school. I wish her a great career.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It appears to be at the discretion of the veteran.

That is all I was asking...thanks for the posting. It didn't seem right to jump on the brat bandwagon without knowing I what he was doing was even allowed.

As for OP's latest posting---I am now more confused than before.

I have dad issues and while it seems the adult thing to tell a teen to be grateful for what they do get...sometimes it just goes deeper than the actual gift. I'm still on the fence regarding an opinion--part of that is my own personal prejudices. But at least dad isn't misusing the GI Bill.

 

[clh2]

But ex. told her he expects me to pay 1/2 of what is given to her back to him.

Ohh boy...your ex is telling your DD that YOU need to pay him back half???? Sorry - but I do not know ANY 18 year old who can handle that type of negotiation. And then he's wanting her to kiss his behind as well???

The DIS is a family place, so I will respectfully keep my comments out of cyberspace. Please feel free to use your imagination though You'll probably be right on target

 

[Pea-n-Me]

But ex. told her he expects me to pay 1/2 of what is given to her back to him.

Yeh, I have no idea what that's about. The only thing I could suggest would be to clarify it with him as maybe your dd misunderstood or misinterpreted what he said. It doesn't even make sense, really. Unless this is his way of paying half? (In which case I'd say, "Dude, your on your own now". )

 

[sparklynails23]

I think your daughter should threaten to quit taking the money at all if he takes more than half of the stipend. He isn't trying to help his daughter, he's using her to make a buck. What a piece of work.

 

[disykat]

It appears to be at the discretion of the veteran.

You highlighted the part where the service person allocated the amount to be shared. Certainly. He doesn't have to give any of it or all of it to her. No one disputes that. What you're missing is that if no one is in college they don't get the money - period. He wants his dd to use the benefit so he can get his hands on the money.

Now we find out not only that, but he wants his exwife (the OP) to pay him half the value of any benefit he paid out. That way he would get "free" money from the government AND his exwife.

He is using his dd to get cash. There's a point where that is not a gift.

 

[Bluestars]

Now I'm confused. I get that the GI thing pays for nearly all of her tuition, plus there is extra money per month that the ex wants to keep and then give the daughter half per month. But does the ex expect the OP to reimburse him for half of the tuition that the GI bill pays?

 

[Lucky4me]

Shared benefits in this case does not mean he gets a cut of the college stipend. It just means he can use the GI bill to send a child or spouse to school. (thus "sharing") The stipend will be hers and for him to expect her to cut him a check for half is very much fraud.
I'd tell him to eat dirt. Sounds as if he will hold this over her head forever.

 

[shortbun]

Let me get this straight...your ex has talked your daughter into claiming the GI benefit, while allowing HIM to siphon off part of the money? That sounds like fraud. Unlikely that he will get caught, but I wouldn't want to have my fingerprints on it.

I was wondering the same thing. Is he actually allowed to do this? I wouldn't pay him a cent until I checked about the laws. Could be he's trying to pull a fast one on we taxpayers...don't participate.