Stuck between ex and dd....

[Tinker'n'Fun]

The GI bill also allows for book fees, monthy living expenses, moving costs, and quite a few others.

If the daughter's allottment includes her housing and food plan and or if the young girl is living at home, I also feel the father is entitled to keep these funds. While the two may be like oil/water, I find it a huge step to give such a gift to a child. If mine we acting this way, I would take it back, especially since Mom is making it quite clear she was already prepared to pay. If he is still eligible I would try again when the next child is old enough.

 

[kellyg403]

Okay, so will the $10k per year be paid to her school directly? And then there is a monthly stipend which he would get (living expenses, books, etc) and then he said he would give her an allowance out of that?

So she would be guaranteed to get $30k of her $44k tuition covered? And you haven't heard her thank her dad for that?

Ungrateful is a good start...spoiled might be closer to it. She needs to get her head on straight right NOW, does she have any clue what it is like for kids that have to do that all on their own? Take the $44k in loans and then make big payments for 30 years?

She has issues with her dad, fine - but she needs to suck it up and be an adult and be thankful she has this opportunity. If she can't be grown up enough to do that - maybe she should work full-time for a year and see what it means to be an adult and how valuable $30k is.

It sucks that you are stuck in the middle, but what a nice predicament to be in - much nicer than those kids that are forgoing college b/c they can't get enough loans and won't have money to live on.

No, she did say thank you. At her graduation party, his family and he were here. She was asked about scholarships and she told everyone there that dad was giving her his GI bill and she was so thankful to him for it. At which point he said she should be thankful because now he couldn't give any to the boys and they will need scholarships. See what I mean..she gives he twists it she gets mad, they fight...he doesn't accept the comment because it was not in the way he wanted it and she tries. Is she perfect at it..no. Not at all. She can be bratty. She knows it and I know it. But, really the two of them have not really taken the time to know each other..he wants her to be one way, she wants him to be one way and they have not accepted each other at all. Then they want me to step in and explain both sides and make it right. I won't and I haven't for a year or so. The two of them have to learn to do this.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

My DH and I will be using some of the GI bill for my son's college. It never occurred to us to just hand over the stipend to our son. We will be using the stipend to help cover expenses, but I am not handing a big chunk of money over to my freshman son. I was SUPER responsible when I graduated high school, but I got crazy when I hit college. If my parents had handed me a wad of cash, I would have partied it away. I always laugh a little when parents go on about how responsible their kids are because I was always considered the responsible one too. I did way more than my parents ever knew and lost my way for a short time when I went to college.

Personally, I would be grateful for any amount of school he was willing to pay, not angry because I couldn't get more. I think that she is not looking at the big, long-term picture here. Graduating without any debt will be a huge deal in the future.

I agree that she should not get the whole amount. I never said she should. In your case you will need those things. I will be moving her to college, have paid all her fees etc. I do think that she will have life learning lessons the first year. So, I am NOT in disagreement with that issue. I am in disagreement that he doesn't realize that the two of them NEED to communicate.

Kelly

 

[Motherofboys]

No, she did say thank you. At her graduation party, his family and he were here. She was asked about scholarships and she told everyone there that dad was giving her his GI bill and she was so thankful to him for it. At which point he said she should be thankful because now he couldn't give any to the boys and they will need scholarships. See what I mean..she gives he twists it she gets mad, they fight...he doesn't accept the comment because it was not in the way he wanted it and she tries. Is she perfect at it..no. Not at all. She can be bratty. She knows it and I know it. But, really the two of them have not really taken the time to know each other..he wants her to be one way, she wants him to be one way and they have not accepted each other at all. Then they want me to step in and explain both sides and make it right. I won't and I haven't for a year or so. The two of them have to learn to do this.

Kelly

Okay, it sounded like in your original post you said she hadn't even thanked him for it -- sorry

I know the type you are describing - my DH and I both have dad's like this. Any time they do any little thing for you - you better throw a ticker-tape parade for them! But neither of us had our dad do anything of this magnitude, I think if my dad did - I would have sucked it up and kissed up and made him out to be the big "hero" until I graduated college.

Getting out of college with only $10k in loans is a major blessing.....but sometimes you have to know what you are trading for that (like the fact that he will be bringing it up for the rest of her life!).

But at least after she gets through college, she can say "Yes, dad - thanks for doing one good thing for me, it was the one time you were actually there for me!". And if he gets mad then, who cares!

 

[kellyg403]

Wait, so he is giving your DD the I bill (conditionally) and is not paying for his other children's education at all? Do I have that right? I am going to have to agree with you, you should not have to be stuck in the middle. I do not think that she should have to kiss anything in appreciation. From what you posted, I gather he has been mostly absent. It's the least he can do for her. I think it stinks that he is not doing something for the other kids, as well.

Yes, he may change his mind when the time comes and pay for something but has made it perfectly clear this will be the extent of his involvement. That is o.k. with me, because I knew a long time ago. He always said no matter what he would not help with college, they will have to get scholarships. That he offered his GI Bill, was like 'wow' when I heard. He has never said anything different re: college. I have saved for this day for quite some time knowing that I would be on my own because I felt differently about helping the kids. But I did feel that in their sophomore year they would need to start taking more responsibility for their education and living expenses so I was willing to 'help' at that point.

Kelly

 

[RitaE]

Okay - I think I understand. There is the money to pay tuition etc which will go to her college and then there is some sort of allowance that can be used to pay miscellaneous and living expenses and he is telling her that he'll give her some of that but is going to keep some for himself, even though he actually has nothing for expenses himself related to her education because he never even travels to see her?

So if this is my daughter this is what I'd say.

"Honey, this is what we call putting on our big girl panties and dealing with real life instead of ideal life. Dad is giving you one hecka alot of money and you really can't afford to gripe and moan that he isn't give you one hecka alot of money plus more money and piss him off and end up with squat. Now go put on your happy face and tell your Daddy thank you, and you better sound sincere about it."

Then I'd text your DH and say

"Welcome to fathering a teen."

Or you could just stay out of it too.

 

[kellyg403]

Okay - I think I understand. There is the money to pay tuition etc which will go to her college and then there is some sort of allowance that can be used to pay miscellaneous and living expenses and he is telling her that he'll give her some of that but is going to keep some for himself, even though he actually has nothing for expenses himself related to her education because he never even travels to see her?

So if this is my daughter this is what I'd say.

"Honey, this is what we call putting on our big girl panties and dealing with real life instead of ideal life. Dad is giving you one hecka alot of money and you really can't afford to gripe and moan that he isn't give you one hecka alot of money plus more money and piss him off and end up with squat. Now go put on your happy face and tell your Daddy thank you, and you better sound sincere about it."

Then I'd text your DH and say

"Welcome to fathering a teen."

Or you could just stay out of it too.

Thank you...I think this is exactly what I want to say!

Being the mother of a teen is just about as bad, because now that I am NOT commiserating with her she is mad at me too

 

[nowellsl]

"Honey, this is what we call putting on our big girl panties and dealing with real life instead of ideal life. Dad is giving you one hecka alot of money and you really can't afford to gripe and moan that he isn't give you one hecka alot of money plus more money and piss him off and end up with squat. Now go put on your happy face and tell your Daddy thank you, and you better sound sincere about it."

This is perfect!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

She would be foolish not to take full advantage of it.

And he is good to give it to her. It doesn't excuse his past behavior (though we're only hearing one side) but it sure is a HUGE gift to your DD, half a stipend or not.

If it were me and I'd gotten this response, I think I would have been tempted to forget the whole thing. Seriously.

He earned this money with his military service. It's a priviledge of service. He doesn't have to give it to her. He chose to. She should be grateful. Maybe it's a chance to begin to mend whatever happened in the past. That's what I would be guiding her towards if it were my DD.

** Editing some of my above post in light of additional information by LisaInNC and my own research.

 

[LisaInNc]

ok you need to find out the facts. Here is what I know about the GI bill. (DBF is in the Coast Guard and set to retire 7-31 after 28 year and will be using the GI bill).

Your Ex DH HAS to be retired for your DD to use it. He has to elect to give it to your DD BEFORE he retires. He has probably already done that once he retires he can't change it or take it back. If he is set ot retire in July I would play nice until then.

The max is 36 months.

It doesn't not cover book and school fees.

There is a BAH allowance which is the money that seems to be in question DBF looked it up and found this information. it is a minumum of 1,200 a month but can be higher and it's based on the zip code of where the school is not the home of record. He thought that it gets assigned to your DD. Your Ex DH either gives her the GI bill or doesn't. He can not do what he is saying he is going to do. Doing the joint checking account seems like a way to get around the system.

I would advise your going to military.com and search GI Bill. educate yourself don't go by what your Ex DH says.

It seems like he has already assigned it to her so I would refuse his taking half but I would not give that all to her. I would reserve it for books and that last year plus whatever other expenses she is going to have.

I would also think that she should be VERY GREATFUL for this opportunity. He does not have to give this to her he could use it himself, assign it to a wife or any other child.

I would require her to write him quarterly letters with copies of her good grades in it. Doesn't matter what kind of Dad he was....he is stepping up big time with this generous gift.

Lisa

 

[bumbershoot]

[/B]

WAs it great he offered? Sure...great, now that money will last longer for the two boys. I won't have to save so hard.

...but...if you offer one of them your GI bill and then turn around and be mad because she did not apply for scholarships because she thought she was getting the GI Bill, you should have set the ground rules first. I will give you the bill, you apply for the scholarships and the bill will cover what is left over. Somewhere in the mix, the two of them did NOT communicate and now they want me to fix it. I can't.

Kelly

I like the way you're thinking of his contribution. Even though the money is going to DD's actual college, in the bigger sense it's being spread around, because you won't have to work SO hard for the boys. Could he even have split it between each of them?

At which point he said she should be thankful because now he couldn't give any to the boys and they will need scholarships.

I've been dealing with an absentee dad a LONG time now...they divorced when I was 4, there were many many cancelled visits, more than a year of not seeing him at all (thanks to his misguided counselor), etc etc. Even now he is clueless; he was supposed to come visit last year this time, and still hasn't shown. It goes on and on.

I have always been amazed at the things his other kids can say to him and get away with...but the difference is that they KNOW him, they've lived with him (poor souls) and know what they can and can't say. I just followed the path of treading lightly, never wanting to spark anything. Until the last few years. And what I found out is that a statement like your ex said...probably wasn't meant to spark anything. Or if it was, it's BETTER to NOT react. Because ultimately it's true. She SHOULD be grateful.

My dad paid for my wedding. I am hugely grateful to him for that, and let him know it still.

Does it make up for everything else? Absolutely not. And it doesn't have to. There's no rule saying "just b/c he did this you have to forget and forgive all of that.". I'm still angry with what he put my mom through, for not contributing to college, for thinking he had a SAY in my college....while at the same time I can admit that he was RIGHT about what he did say about college (said I should do first two years at a CC since I had no direction, then could transfer anywhere I wanted), and I can thank him for what he HAS done.

I'm 40 now. I only figured all this out starting at 33 when I had my wedding that he paid for, and it all came home to me at 37 when I had to lay down the law for him with how he acts around my son (you don't get to call your wife the biggest baddest word in front of my 3 year old, basically). It would be better for your DD to not wait SO long to figure all this out.

I'm not even sure if my words answer anything you've said...but they just all came to mind.

I think you mentioned a current husband...if I'm right, if HE said something like that, that she SHOULD be grateful etc, would it spark a war between them? Or would it roll off her back? It would likely be the latter. It would do her well to start letting these things roll off her back. She might not be an adult yet (though she might be 18 I don't know...I wasn't when I started college), but she will be, and part of that is acting like one. She is now or will soon be, legally, his peer. (heady thought, that)

 

[disykat]

While I agree it's fine for parents to be involved in the distribution of finances to a college student, it doesn't sound like that's what is happening. It sounds like what started out as "I'm giving you my GI bill" has become a bargaining chip of some sort and he's trying to find a way to access that benefit to get some cash out of it.

I guess your dd needs to decide if she is willing to go through this or not. I think best case scenario would be to turn it down totally so that she is not under any kind of "debt" to him, because it sounds like one way or another he will make her "pay." However, money for college might be worth it.Your dd is really stuck in a hard place IMO.

I'm with LisainNC, the best way to help your dd is by finding out exactly how the GI Bill works.

 

[sunnyday123]

For everyone's sake your daughter should either decline his offer or accept it with the terms he offered.

Your daughter should realize by now what kind of person her father is and she needs to accept it. If she does not want the stress of dealing with him then it will probably be worth it for her to work her way through school.

Also, perhaps it would be better if everyone did not bring up the past. Nothing is going to change it. Now is the time to look to the future.

Let me get this straight...your ex has talked your daughter into claiming the GI benefit, while allowing HIM to siphon off part of the money? That sounds like fraud. Unlikely that he will get caught, but I wouldn't want to have my fingerprints on it.

The whole deal sounds kind of "off" to me. If he was concerned about her education, he would have been more involved up to this point. Now he's making some money. I understand the whole "allowance"-I don't think anyone should have a ton of money in college-but she should have enough to live on and not have to worry about expenses.

You've told her to be appreciative, and him to leave you out of it. Honestly, I think they need someone to mediate at this point. She's probably resenting him a little, he was never interested before and now he's going to get some additional funds for her going to college, and he's keeping some of it.

 

[dicar123]

While I agree it's fine for parents to be involved in the distribution of finances to a college student, it doesn't sound like that's what is happening. It sounds like what started out as "I'm giving you my GI bill" has become a bargaining chip of some sort and he's trying to find a way to access that benefit to get some cash out of it.

Exactly. The GI Benefit is a use or lose. If he doesn't want to use it himself, then the money just disappears. This way, he gets to play big daddy plus keep some of the cash for himself.

If he were simply giving her what she needed and holding on to the rest so that it didn't disappear before the final year, I wouldn't be so bothered. I don't think he cares enough to want SO much to help his daughter; he's exploiting their relationship for the cash AND causing trouble to boot.

 

[AC7179]

Can you explain something for me?

If he didn't give your daughter the GI Bill, he would lose it, correct?

And since he isn't in class himself, he wouldn't qualify to draw on it for the education or the allowance, correct?

So he is "giving" it to your daughter to help with her tuition, yet keeping the allowance, or part of it, for himself?

If that's the case, pretty sure the only reason he is being so generous is because it costs him nothing, and in fact, he will make some cash!

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Can you explain something for me?

If he didn't give your daughter the GI Bill, he would lose it, correct?

And since he isn't in class himself, he wouldn't qualify to draw on it for the education or the allowance, correct?

So he is "giving" it to your daughter to help with her tuition, yet keeping the allowance, or part of it, for himself?

If that's the case, pretty sure the only reason he is being so generous is because it costs him nothing, and in fact, he will make some cash!

ITA with this and others who have expressed a similar sentiment.

While "thank you," respect, and gratitude are called for, groveling and prostrating are not.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Exactly. The GI Benefit is a use or lose. If he doesn't want to use it himself, then the money just disappears. This way, he gets to play big daddy plus keep some of the cash for himself.

If he were simply giving her what she needed and holding on to the rest so that it didn't disappear before the final year, I wouldn't be so bothered. I don't think he cares enough to want SO much to help his daughter; he's exploiting their relationship for the cash AND causing trouble to boot.

No.

In transferring HIS benefits to a dependent they must be used within 10 years after Honorable Discharge. A dependent child must use them before the age of 26. It also looks to me like he had to serve EXTRA TIME in the military to get his benefit of transferring his benefits.

http://www.gibill.va.gov/documents/Army_Transferability_to_Dependents.pdf

 

[Tink888]

Only read through page 1 of the thread.

I'm kind of with Dad on this one. She's getting money for college, plus an allowance that neither you nor she anticipated. Be grateful. College is expensive......any money that doesn't have to come out of you or your daughter's pocket is a huge help.

I can understand your frustration with feeling stuck in the middle, however, you don't have to put yourself there. The next time your ex or your daughter starts venting to you with the complaints just tell them to talk to each other about it, which is what they should be doing anyway, and walk away.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

have a hard time forming an opinion on this until I fully understand what dad is doing and if it is ethical or if it is fraud. Is he simply allocating the stipend so that it isn't inadverently wasted or is he using this as a cha ching opportunity to increase his income for 4 years?

I can't gauge your dd's reaction unless that were clear.

If he plans in using the money for himself--I have a complete problem with that since he wouldn't get it without the GI bill being used and thus he wouldn't be using it as it was intended. If dd senses that, I have a hard time calling her spoiled when daddy warbucks is using the gift to commit fraud.

She sounds like she has a sensible head so unless she is throwing hussy fits b/c dad prefers to ration the money so that it will last, I'm siding with her.

But I'd like to know if what dad is planning is considered fraud. If it is---his dd's reaction is the least of his concerns.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

have a hard time forming an opinion on this until I fully understand what dad is doing and if it is ethical or if it is fraud. Is he simply allocating the stipend so that it isn't inadverently wasted or is he using this as a cha ching opportunity to increase his income for 4 years?

I can't gauge your dd's reaction unless that were clear.

If he plans in using the money for himself--I have a complete problem with that since he wouldn't get it without the GI bill being used and thus he wouldn't be using it as it was intended. If dd senses that, I have a hard time calling her spoiled when daddy warbucks is using the gift to commit fraud.

She sounds like she has a sensible head so unless she is throwing hussy fits b/c dad prefers to ration the money so that it will last, I'm siding with her.

But I'd like to know if what dad is planning is considered fraud. If it is---his dd's reaction is the least of his concerns.

Fraud?

This college tuition money is a benefit HE earned with his military service. He is CHOOSING to give it to his dd instead of keeping it for himself or giving it to another immediate family member. He had to stay an additional 4 years in the military in order to qualify to do this. This benefit comes with a stipened which, again, he earned. Why he's choosing to keep half is up to him (or whether he'll even be able to, who knows, but I would imagine that the military might agree with a parent's prerogative/knowing best on how to use these funds when it comes to a child using them). Perhaps he knows something about the dd that we don't know and thinks, for whatever reason, it wouldn't be a good idea to give her the whole thing.

ETA actually Mom thinks it's a good idea, too.

To clarify, I do think dad is correct in giving her an allowance. I don't think she should get everything handed to her

But regardless, I hardly think it qualifies as fraud. It's a benefit to the veteran and to the veteran's family.

I can't believe people are turning this around to make it seem like he's being a manipulative, selfish jerk. Talk about looking a Gift Horse in the mouth. Geez. Many people would be very happy to have this. I know I would have.

Her dad, thru the military, offered her his GI bill. She thought that was great and said yes. It has been one argument after another since. DD should be looking forward to school. I guess as part of it all she gets a monthly stipend but dad said he would disburse her an allowance out of it. She thinks he thinks she is untrustworthy, I see her point. Dad says at the very least she should be over the top grateful spouting thanks for a 'free' education..which it isn't.