Stuck between DH and DM

[HenDuck]

Somehow I always find myself stuck between what my DM wants and what my DH wants. And somehow, they are always 180 degree opposites of each other!

DM wants to take DS to Disney in May. DH is thinking of changing careers and doesn't know what he'll be doing in May.

I am trying to be an understanding wife, and give DH "his space" to decide. I want him to be happy in his career and I don't want to push. At the same time, we agreed last year that we would take DS to Disney next year (2006).

I can pay for the trip myself (as usual ) so money is not a problem.

I feel my mother breathing down my neck about Disney, but I soooo want to go in May too.

I brought the subject up to DH, but he just kind of says "uh-huh". Very non-comittal.

Am I being selfish? Disney will always be there, I know. But I'm tired of waiting for DH to get his act together and I believe that agreements should be kept, especially for the sake of DS (5).

I need advice on how to deal with this situation. They are driving me crazy!

Sorry, I don't know what board this belongs on, but it seems to have some financial aspects to it, so I posted it here. Please feel free to move me to another board.

Thanks!

 

[maggiew]

I'm not exactly sure what you are asking, but can't you and your mom take your son to Disney in May?? One year my mom and I took my girls to Disney because he didn't have vacation time left, but I am a teacher so had the summer off! Or doesn't DH want you to go without him??

Maggie

 

[paladin]

That's what I was going to say. Assuming it is not a financial issue, why not plan a trip with just you, DM and DS? Plus, if he does change careers, he may not have vacation time anyway.

 

[tlbwriter]

Is there a chance he wanted to go *without* your mom, with just the three of you, and that's why he's unwilling to commit to this trip?

 

[HenDuck]

All good suggestions/questions.

I may consider going without him, if he's okay with it, but it just wouldn't be the same...you know what I mean?

I'm not sure if he is sending me a subliminal message about traveling with my parents. We almost always do, and he seems to enjoy it.

Maybe we need to talk about it some more. I know May is 7 months away, so maybe I'll sit on it for another month or two.

Just needed some advice.

I appreciate your responses.

Thanks!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Is it possiable that Hubby has more things on his mind right now than Disney? I mean, you said he was in the middle of a carreer change..that will effect all of your lives. I understand that vacations are important..and they are a must in alot of peoples lives. But going without hubby b/c he wants to better his disposition work wise *which is for your family* seems a little well..*IMO* selfish. Your child will be happy whenever you are able to go, I am sure, but wouldn't they be happier if Daddy were coming along too? Esp. for the first trip? And I would just tell your mom that DH is working hard to better his carreer right now, and that Disney will come when he is ready. I mean, its You, DH and kiddo now. Not, You, DH, kiddo and mom. I think there is a boundry thread somewhere on this board.

Don't mean to be blunt. I have just dealt with the same sort of situa. for the past 2 years..(hubby in school, changed his major when he was almost finished...wanted to take dd to disney so bad i could taste it, had parents begging me to go, but we couldn't b/c dh had school and work.which i felt resentful for b/c he should have been done by then.) so I know where you are coming from. But I also have had quite a few sit downs with DH to understand where he is coming from too.

I hope you are able to have a great time whatever you decide!

 

[julia & nicks mom]

If you feel you have to choose between mom and DH here - the answer always has to be your DH - he is your family now

I believe he has to be 100% involved or at least on board with your decision - otherwise you could all be miserable!

 

[disneymom3]

If you feel you have to choose between mom and DH here - the answer always has to be your DH - he is your family now

I believe he has to be 100% involved or at least on board with your decision - otherwise you could all be miserable!

Totally agree with this!!! No contest between mom and DH.

 

[Kimmielee]

All good suggestions/questions.

I may consider going without him, if he's okay with it, but it just wouldn't be the same...you know what I mean?

I'm not sure if he is sending me a subliminal message about traveling with my parents. We almost always do, and he seems to enjoy it.

Maybe we need to talk about it some more. I know May is 7 months away, so maybe I'll sit on it for another month or two.

Just needed some advice.

I appreciate your responses.

Thanks!

I'd have a heart to heart and aski him how he really feels about traveling with your parents. Don't assume he's enjoying it.. he may be doing so to appease you! Good luck!!!

 

[Traveliz]

Totally agree with this!!! No contest between mom and DH.

Of course speaking from someone a bit older...assuming there is a good relationship with mom as well -- you know she won't be around forever and if you want to do Disney with her I would do it...of course I am one that would plan the trip 7 ways (just mom, me and child; the previous group plus husband IF he could come as late minute as possible or if he could come for the whole trip; would plan the trip for both groups and go twice...you get the idea)

Liz

 

[HenDuck]

ThreeMusketeers, you are not being blunt, but even if you are, that's what I need to hear and it's taken in the right spirit.

Yes, there are definitely boundary issues here. I could go on and on about that, but I won't. You are all so perceptive.

It's not DS' first trip either, we just wanted to hit DL for the 50th anniversary.

I just really have a hard time seeing things objectively. I don't want to be "B" but I don't want to be held hostage to my DH's indecision either. I know it's selfish, but his career has been a source of stress to both of us for years, so I'm about out of patience on that issue.

You're all right, I have to choose DH over my DM, and we don't have to go in May. We may still be able to hit the 50th anniversary before it ends.

But I will have a heart to heart with my DH and see how he really feels about all of this.

so, THANK YOU!!!

 

[maggiew]

If you feel you have to choose between mom and DH here - the answer always has to be your DH - he is your family now

I believe he has to be 100% involved or at least on board with your decision - otherwise you could all be miserable!

But I didn't get the impression that DH was AGAINST going to Disney or that she had to choose one over the other. I just got the impression that he wasn't all that excited about going now because he had other things on his mind and in the works. I wasn't trying to imply that she "pick" her mom over her DH.

I know that my DH is luke warm on Disney while I love to go. So my going with my mom wasn't "picking" her over my DH, but it was a way to satisfy everyone. DH was more than happy to let me go with my mom so that he was able to get out of going himself.

So I am wondering exactly what is going on in the OPs case. Does DH NOT want you to go with your mom? Is he opposed to that? Would he view that as picking her over being supportive of his career change??? It seems to me there are more issues going on here.

Maggie

 

[CajunDixie]

Maybe your DH is thinking he married you and not your mom. You might just ask him straight out if he'd rather vacation somewhere of his choice or just vacation without your parents. I know I wouldn't want to spend my vacation with any of my in-laws. Nor would I want to vacation with my own parents.

 

[Colleen456]

If your DH would communicate with you I think a lot of your unanswered questions would become a lot clearer and easier to answer. I speak from experience, my DH can be very tight lipped at time and its so frustrating. There are times when I've looked at him and said "honey, use your words"

If it were me I'd tell DH you're not a mind reader and you don't plan on becoming one anytime soon.

I also agree that you are a family unit and need to stick together, but I also know my DH would never tell me not to take a kick butt vacation because he can't go because of his work situation.

Good Luck, I hope you find a peaceful resolution.

 

[HenDuck]

Colleen456,

I love your comment, "use your words"! haha.

Ok we really have a communication problem. DH just shuts up when he's stressed about something. It has a lot to do with the job situation. He's afraid if he has this trip planned, it will interfere if he tries to get a new job somewhere.

He insists that he likes to travel with my parents, sooooo...I guess I'll have to take his word on it.

On the other hand, my DM can be overbearing. She has this not-so-subtle way of making HER wishes known, and I'm just a weakling, so I buckle or stress out about going against her wishes. I know, I know, I just need to grow up. I'm trying.

I truly appreciate all of your comments. It has really helped me to think about this situation more objectively.

Thanks again!

 

[Dory's Twin]

DH just might like the time alone if you went to Diz with your DM. I know that when my DH is really stressed about work, sometimes it's best to take the pressure of family away...just leave him to work etc and not have to worry about family obligations...he may look at this trip as an opportunity to do just that. So I casually ask...."are you okay if the kids and I go...for a quick vacation"....and if he wants to go he says so, if he can't go he says so....

Communication is the key...best to ask straight out!
Good luck, sometimes these guys don't talk as much as we gals need!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Of course speaking from someone a bit older...assuming there is a good relationship with mom as well -- you know she won't be around forever and if you want to do Disney with her I would do it...of course I am one that would plan the trip 7 ways (just mom, me and child; the previous group plus husband IF he could come as late minute as possible or if he could come for the whole trip; would plan the trip for both groups and go twice...you get the idea)

Liz

I couldn't agree more! I lost my dad 5 yrs. ago, & my mom 3 yrs ago. I would love to have an opportunity to do things with my parents again. If the trip won't put a financial strain on your marriage, I would go with your mom even if DH couldn't. On the other hand, if your DH is objecting because he's worrying about the cost of the trip, that's another story. Your DH very well may want some family vacations with just the 3 of you, but just doesn't want to make waves in the family. Perhaps you should consider taking your DS & going with your mom to Disney, then a seperate trip of DH's choosing for the 3 of you. You shouldn't be made to choose between your DH & DM. If your are, you need to talk it over with the person causing the conflict & resolve it. Hope it all works out.

 

[geetey]

Ok we really have a communication problem. DH just shuts up when he's stressed about something. It has a lot to do with the job situation. He's afraid if he has this trip planned, it will interfere if he tries to get a new job somewhere.

When interviewing, your dh doesn't have to even bring up the vacation. After a job offer is on the table and a start date is being discussed, he simply has to inform them that he has a vacation planned for x dates. Most employers will be more than understanding about it. He may not get vacation pay, but he will certainly get the time off. Your dh could also decide at that time that it isn't worth missing those first days on the new job, and not take the trip.

Last time DH switched jobs, he started May 1 and we left for a 10 day vacation on June 3. Since DH was living in a different state, he had to leave a day earlier to travel to us, to then travel as a family. It really wasn't a big deal.

I say plan the vacation and then, if a job change occurs, then tweak any plans made.

Good luck! I would love to see DL for the 50th anniversary!