Sticky situation with dd

[tigercat]

My dd and her dh have 2 dd's. The oldest is 15. She is a fairly good kid, she doesn't drink. smoke, do drugs or run around. She looks after her 10 yr old dsis when the parents work. She does sometimes have an attitude especially around that time of the month. Tonight they had another blow up. My dgrdd is here. My dd is really mad and says that she is just a bad mom...my dsil says she is not to come home. That she is ungratful. My dd and dsil are very narrow minded and only feel that how they feel is right. My dgrdd is not. They only think of money. They have already told her that she is out of the house at 18 because that is how long they have to take care of her. After that she is on her own. They keep telling her that no one else is going to help her so she had better try and figure out what to do to take care of herself. She is so lost. Some of the stuff that was said by her (and my dd told me) is just stuff that a teenager will say. It wasn't horrible and my dd said a heck of a lot more to me. She drank, smoked, did drugs and had sex with various boys. She had my dgrdd when she had just turned 17. She married my dsil when my dgrdd was 3 1/2. My dgrdd wants to come and live with us. What do I do?
tigercat

 

[java]

Let her move in.

Let your daughter try to find a babysitter for the 10 year old and see how easy that is(NOT)

I am sorry you are going through this. Do you live close enough so that dgdd could actually stay at the same school if she did live with you?

And if it comes down to $$ You should talk with dd and offer to do it- along with $$ for lodging/food. You can't be a doormat either.

 

[karibritt01]

I'm sorry that you and DGD are going through this. I would let DGD move in with you. If she does end up going back to her home, then I would make sure that she knows she DOES have somewhere to go when she turns 18, and that you WILL be there to help her.

 

[tigercat]

Actually I am closer to her school than my dd so school wouldn't be problem. Actually it would save me from having to go pick her up and take her to and from school. She is quite a distance away and no bus service.
tigercat

 

[momof1princess]

thank goodness your dgd has you it must be horrible to have the threat of homelessness/poverty at 18 looming over you. i had loving grandparents i could always turn to as a teenager when my home life was falling apart, and i wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world. please make sure your dgd knows you'll be there for her, no matter what, and that she always has a home with you. trust me, it makes ALL the difference.

 

[Buckalew11]

I have a 15yo dd myself and I can't imagine saying those type things to her. Talk about making someone feel unwanted, unloved and scared. How would *you* like to be 15 and told you must take care of yourself at 18. I mean, maybe she'll be able to but to be 15 facing that? Nah, I think that kind of talk is cruel.

I think you should offer to do what you can to help your dgdd. But I'd set up rules and all that for sure. No way a 15yo is gonna backtalk me or whatever. So, while I wouldn't take her in and allow her to rule your roost, I would make her an offer and talk to her about what would be expected etc. I think 15yo need rules and need to know where the line is drawn. Sometimes they'll push you just to see how serious you are.

Good luck. You quite possibly will make a huge, huge difference in her life!

 

[Sparx]

how horrible to threaten to kick her out at 18. that is so wrong!! your dgd is lucky to have you.

 

[rie'smom]

This is by no means an excuse for you daughter's behavior but I'm wondering if she is worried that your granddaughter might make the same mistakes she did. Because of her fear, your daughter is acting out. Your gd is about the same age you dd was when she got pregnant.
All that said, I'd ask your gd to move in with you. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

 

[griffinstorme]

what in inconvenience

 

[omghidanielle]

What's their reasoning for wanting to kick her out at 18? Since she had your granddaughter at 17, did you kick her out? If it's really a money thing, can't they come to an agreement that she'd pay board or rent or something?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can you get legal custody or do you need to do something like that in Canada? I am thinking health decisions, college, school authorizations, the parent trying to rip the dd out of your house back home because she doesn't like your style (you will need to protect her), legal documents, etc...

Do you want her to live with you? Are you able to handle a rejected teen? That adds a whole other dimension of pyschological effects to the problem. Mother abandons dd to her mother. That is not pretty.

Can you handle the long term fallout of raising your granddaughter? I would image that this will change your relationship with your dd and any other children she has.

Ideally, it would be good to try and somehow intervene to repair the relationship between them of course. Sometimes things can be worked out or tolerated and sometimes they cannot.

Something to think about.

 

[merryweather20]

Actually I am closer to her school than my dd so school wouldn't be problem. Actually it would save me from having to go pick her up and take her to and from school. She is quite a distance away and no bus service.
tigercat

I wonder what your daughter would do without the free taxi and baby-sitting from Grandma? It might be worth reminding your daughter that she was not the most well behaved child, but that you are STILL providing her with lots of help and love.

I'm glad your DGD has someone like you in her life

 

[denisem]

This is by no means an excuse for you daughter's behavior but I'm wondering if she is worried that your granddaughter might make the same mistakes she did. Because of her fear, your daughter is acting out. Your gd is about the same age you dd was when she got pregnant.
All that said, I'd ask your gd to move in with you. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

I think rie'smom is onto something. Your DD may be overreacting to her daughter's teenage backtalk because of her own past/fears. Try to avoid being caught in the middle by strongly suggesting some group counselling by a professional outsider.

If that's not an option, offer housing to your granddaughter but try to objectively determine the true problem. I'm not blindly taking sides here: until you live with someone on a daily basis, it's difficult to recognize if DD is expecting too much of her daughter, or if your granddaughter IS exhibiting problem behaviour.

My best wishes for a happy ending.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Either way your granddaughter needs a kick in the pants to try and get along with mom. Now she does not have to like it but trying to get along benefits her long term.

We have/had situations with a couple of nephews. Current nephew was counseled by us to stay with mom until he goes to college this fall.

Now the mom a control freak and off her rocker, etc....yes. She is mad that he is leaving & was trying her best to get him to go and live with my brother. They are divorced.

Anyway, he hung in there with our support. He has a few more days and is glad he stuck it out. Their relationship would have been damaged for the rest of his life with her, had he moved out. (Even though she was the one trying to throw him out. We told her don't fall for her tricks, we "get her"). He DID IT!

Other nephew, left at 17 with the clothes on his back. Went to NYC. He is doing great. Now he has no contact with his immediate family and probably never will. He is gay and was kicked out basically. He is pained that he can never repair the relationship, but he does have us.

Anyway those are 2 short stories. I have more.

 

[torinsmom]

You need to have a one-on-one conversation with your daughter and find out what is really going on. Are you getting the information about them not wanting her to come home from them or from your DGD? After talking to your DD, if you feel your DGD would be better off with you, tell your DD that this is an option for you. Or, offer to help with the cost of counseling if you feel that would help. I would think getting all the facts and being straightforward would be the best thing. Last thing you want is to be caught in the she said, she said mess.

Marsha

 

[Keli]

It would take a lot before I would undermine my dd's relationship with her children. Not saying I wouldn't ever step in but i think I'd do everything I could to get my dd onboard with the idea of dgd living with me before I ever mentioned anything to dgd.

And then dgd would have the same chores and restrictions as living at home. No easy life with grandma.

I guess I'm so hesitant because I have a very good friend whose mother basically did the same thing to her with her children. Not without some justification, I won't say I was agreeing with everything my friend was doing because I absolutely did not.
But it didn't turn out well for any of the kids, grandma was too easy on them and they've suffered the results of that which would appear to be worse than the results would have been from mom being too hard.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you cannot get your dd/dgd in counseling together perhaps you can persuade your dd to get your dgd to seek seperate counseling.

In fact if it came down to that I would certainly seek it for yourself/dgd if she had to live with you.

So my final advice is to look for resolution in this situation first.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I think you need to talk to your daughter before you let your grand daughter move in with you. It could start a war with your daughter because you're basically usurping her parental rights.

I would try and be the middle man between the two of them and try and broker some peace. Perhaps offer to the daughter that your dgd could come live with you to offer your daughter some breathing room.

I think if you ask your daughter vs. just letting the dgd come live with you it would all go a lot more smoothly. Plus if you have trouble with the dgd you'll have your daughter there to help as opposed to her saying "I told you so!"

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with all the posts. Sounds like your dd might be projecting a bit too much and is scared. The flip side, maybe your grandd needs to learn communication skills and once she is a bit more mature will understand less is more!

I, honestly, would not let grandd move in with me without a very big heart to heart with my dd. I agree that usurping her parental responsibilities without talking to her/sil would never be a good thing. The bottom line for me is that there are two sides to every story. Living with a teenager, a whole 'nother ballgame entirely. At 15, and you know yourself, they are pretty darn mouthy and know it all. Since you don't live there 24/7 it really is hard to gage the family dynamics and it surely does sound like all parties involved need to step back and take responsibility for their own actions. Giving your grandd an out is great but it doesn't teach her to take responsibility for whatever actions she is responsible for and it doesn't teach your dd that she has to figure out how to parent her teenager correctly. Will the 10 year old be the next teen living with you????

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. Definitely not a great situation to be in...but if you do, teach your grandd that she can't run away from her problems she has to learn solutions. That would be what I would be worried about in this situation. What happens if you and she butt heads, will she be running back and forth until she is 18?

As for the sil and out by 18 comment. Did you hear that??? Maybe grandd can move in with you when she turns 18!

Kelly

 

[lillygator]

I would definitely try and talk to your daughter.