Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[NHdisneylover]

I have sometimes have trouble figuring out what is "normal" behavior, and being justifiably upset about something vs being unreasonable an unreasonable "witch". This is something I really need to work on. I get SO angry about stuff, and then later I feel as if I should not have gotten angry over it, or I was just plain wrong. The Tinder thing hurt me more than it made me angry.
.

If you KNOW this about yourself, if you recognize this, why on earth will you not work with a professional to fix it so that you CAN have a truly loving, healthy relationship and make your dreams come true?

 

[Nancyg56]

This thread and OP fascinate me. <edited>.

But we all know someone whose life mirrors Kathryn's, dont we? My neighbor's ex wife was married THREE times before she got involved with him. THREE times married and divorced. after the two of them got together, all she did was complain about him, and I agree...he was no prize. SHe moved in, lived with him for a few years, complaining the entire time. Moved out. Moved back in and again, moan and groan. And again...he was no prize. But she wanted to get married, and eventually they did. The gloss was there for all of one month, and down the tubes it went. SO for 5 years they were miserable together, and then she found him on a website...cant even say it here, their life blew with up...she moved out....now the entire neighborhood knows his deficits....she shared them with anyone who would listen, and with folks who preferred not to know. They divorced. And.....you guessed it.....she is back.

I work with a woman who has three little kids, and her husband is the biggest jerk I have ever met. He is a drunk. An abusive self absorbed, controlling selfish and did I mention abusive???? Drunk. We all banded together to help her move her self and her three kids out...a friend of my boss worked tirelessly to find her a house to rent that was close to work and was in a neighborhood with children, the owner took the house off of the market becuase the realtor vouchers for her, and boom! She backed out.

Kathryn- we are all doing what your friends and coworkers are doing now. We smile and say "How sweet" when she chuckles that he loves her cakes so much that he ate three whole cakes and did not save even one small slice for those little boys. We nod when we hear her yelling at him for forgetting to pick up the buoys from school, and then tell us how cute....he was teasing. WE glaze over when she mulls for hours about the one meal a month she is allowed to plan that he may not like. If you pay attention, you may notice that the people you think are encouraging uyou are not. They have checked out, and are just going through the motions, because any other response is just too exhausting, On a personal level, I barely leave my office if my coworker is chatting about her life. I cannot because I will not be able to let that cake thing go ....what father wont save a little piece of cake for children???? I cannot hear the excuse of how old school her 40 YO husband is. My husband is 64, as old fashioned as they come, and was abused mercilessly as a kid. He would chop his own arm off for the children in our lives, has never laid a hand on any of them in anger, and moves Heaven and Earth to provide for all of us. Eat the last piece of cake? Not a chance.

My neighbors? I cannot even summon the energy.

You want to know what a good life is? Stop settling for any man who is breathing. DO as others here have suggested. Invest in yourself but seeking out a good therapist and begin to get acquainted with yourself. Offer opinions to your boyfriend, See how he reacts. You want to go to a movie? Go. Refuse to discuss your finances with him. If this is a problem you know what this guy is looking for. Stop pretending to be someone you are not in order to be what you think he is looking for, no one can or should keep that up.

 

[Aliceacc]

I don't think getting married is going to fix me.

These are the wisest words in this thread. Make them your mantra, and repeat them over and over and over until they're part of your soul.

Then start working on what WILL "fix" you.

 

[Skywalker]

I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it.

Wow he sounds like a master manipulator to me. He really knew how to shut you down and tap dance out of that one...and you fell right into line. I think you should run from him, but in all fairness to him, based on your past posts, I think he should run from you too. The only thing I am not sure of, is which one of you should run further and faster.

 

[phorsenuf]

 

[cabanafrau]

Think for a moment about the kind of man who would be attracted to this kind of behavior. It's the perfect bait for a narcissist. A healthy man wouldn't want this sort of relationship.

Kathryn, I know you spend a lot of time wondering why your relationships don't seem to work. I think you've answered your own question here. Your marriage ends, you go with the very first man to show any interest, and then hang on tight and don't let go. No matter what. No matter what red flags you see. You twist yourself into a pretzel, suppress your personality, walk on eggshells, anything to get him to stay.

Did you ever think that maybe you're missing out on a really good guy, who's really right for you, while you're clinging for dear life to Mr. Good-Enough, trying to force the relationship to work?

It's not supposed to be like this. There's not ANYTHING wrong with being single, until a good healthy relationship comes along. How will you ever find that really good guy if you're *not* single for awhile?

My life is good. With or without a guy. I've got wonderful family and friends, a career that I enjoy, and plenty of interests to fill my days. So, I have pretty high standards when I choose someone to add to that life. That's the place you need to get to.

I don't know, it does read like a pretty comprehensive job description for a mistress. That sounds like such a fulfilling path to take.

 

[ariel71]

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault . . .
It takes forever to find a
way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall . . . it’s a habit . . . but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

You're stuck in Chapter Two. Please seek help.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Yes he has two children, one lives with him the other lives with his EX. They seem to love me. We get along very well and they think I am super cool. It seems like it took the younger one a while to warm up to me, but now things seem very good.



In regards to what my father doesn't like, he says that my BF doesn't look him in the eye when he talks to him, and he seems arrogant. He is the only family member that doesn't seem to like him.

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

He seems to have gotten rid of the Tinder app, so I can say that's improvement (assuming it is really gone, which I really believe it is). He has also stopped talking about past girlfriends so much thankfully.

I get very frustrated and angry sometimes, but I never say anything. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

No, it's not over. They still have a relationship. Maybe not a loving/sexually intimate relationship, but they have children together - they have a relationship.

I know I'm wasting my time, but just so you can look back and see that I, along with everyone else, was right - this relationship with him, and anyone else, is due to fail unless you get yourself into therapy. Period. Your views on relationships, on your own identity, on parenting, on social interaction...they all seem skewed. You really need help or best case scenario, you're going to soon be going on your third divorce.

 

[Tasha228]

This thread and OP fascinate me. <edited>

I don't believe she is a troll at all. I work in Health Care and do the coding so I see it all. And, let me tell, this isn't as abnormal as you might think. That's why I always caution to be careful because you never know what others are dealing with. Some go through some pretty horrendous things that are pretty shocking and you might never suspect. The OP's is tame in comparison but not unusual. Hers is more 1 of the "SMH because I can't shake her" type situations. I think there are some mental things going on and counseling/meds would benefit her GREATLY but, like so many I've seen come in over the years, I doubt that will happen any time soon. If we could simply shake people out of their stupors, some of our ambulance runs and ER visits would shrink drastically and psychiatrists wouldn't get to charge so much by the hour.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree with the above post.
I believe that there are many, many, of this type of women, and the narcissistic controlling type men that find them like heat-seaking missiles and take advantage of them.

In fact, I know one situation personally with a man and his wife. He is a controlling abusive person, he has kids from before her, and she is a stay at home mom to be his 'servant' and take care of his kids, while he argues and threatens and is abusive to his kids mother.

Just, IMHO, the type of person/woman as this poster actually fits a fairly common profile.

 

[okeydokey]

At least people don't pull punches here. It really makes me think. My friends (for the most part) encourage this stuff. I think they might just tell me what I want to hear. Of course I never told them about the Tinder thing because I was too embarrassed.

I realize that this relationship is kind of one-sided. For the entire 6 months I have agreed with every thing he said.I have been like a "cheerleader" for him the entire time. He decides everything we do. Which that is my own fault because I never offer any opinions, I just go along with everything. If something upsets me, or I don't like it, I just smile and act like everything is wonderful. I try to ignore his faults and live in denial about some big issues I have had such a fear of losing him.

I know that marrying him (anytime soon at least) is a mistake on an epic level. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't think getting married is going to fix me.

It sounds like you are starting to wake up here. That's good, and I hope you continue to do that. In the end you have to believe that you deserve good things. WE can believe it, but YOU need to believe it too. You are worthy of real happiness, you don't have to settle for someone who doesn't truly value you for who you are.

 

[cabanafrau]

Some food for thought. OP, this isn't your first trip to the rodeo. You've experienced the downside when a relationship/marriage goes wrong before. It's not pleasant and it takes a lot to rebound -- and more time passes, something you already have concerns about. You're already admitting to warning signs in this relationship, as in warning signs that you're noticing things about this man that concern you. Experience should have taught you those things don't improve over time. If you are determined to go forward with this relationship, be prepared to accept these warning signs as your permanent reality.

Much of the satisfaction you're taking from this relationship lies in the image you perceive yourself to be projecting, largely on social media. You know most of it is lacking in substance and is a stretch of the truth. Is that image really giving you that much satisfaction? How long will it fulfill you for? Is it even fulfilling you in any real way now?

You absolutely have it within your power to take steps to genuinely create a life for yourself that will fulfill you in substantive ways. Work toward more enjoyment and fulfillment on your own behalf, things like healthy living, pursuing hobbies and interests that spark your imagination, travel, etc. Making it a priority to get more active and exercise will pay off in many ways, including helping to elevate your moods. Another really good idea is get out of your own head and quit gazing indulgently at your navel 24/7. Look around and find a cause that speaks to your compassion and heart. Get involved by giving some time to support the cause. It will change your surroundings, make you focus on others in a healthy way, mix you in with other people who have caring hearts and minds You very much need to broaden your horizons, because living your life by the philosophy of shampoo bottle instructions clearly isn't working out for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent, EXCELLENT, post cabanafrau!

 

[roseaster]

OP. I know some people have been harsh. There are some things you need to think about. 1st, what is the void in your life that you are trying to fill with a relationship? What things, other than relationships, make you feel satisfied and good about yourself? Why is your happiness dependent on what other people think about you? Why do you value yourself so little that you feel that your opinions and feelings don't matter?

I also want to touch on the drinking thing. Please, if you have a problem, seek help. AA meetings are everywhere. If you are employed, if you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) seek them out. They will help you find help for your drinking and find a reputable therapist.

So much of what you post really sounds like you have some pretty serious issues with self esteem. Someone who loves and values themselves don't seek out, or continue in one-sided, dysfunctional relationships.

I get feeling lonely, or not wanting to be alone, but not being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to be lonely. Broaden your social circles. Seek out opportunities to enrich your life that don't require someone else to make you happy. Take a class, volunteer, join a club.

Relationships are like shoes. You can buy those shoes that don't fit too well, but look really cute on, but after a while they start to hurt. You may even be able to walk in them for a while, and a lot of people may admire them, but in the end, they don't fit, and they hurt your feet, and they have to come off.

 

[Bluestars]

At least people don't pull punches here. It really makes me think. My friends (for the most part) encourage this stuff. I think they might just tell me what I want to hear. Of course I never told them about the Tinder thing because I was too embarrassed.

I realize that this relationship is kind of one-sided. For the entire 6 months I have agreed with every thing he said.I have been like a "cheerleader" for him the entire time. He decides everything we do. Which that is my own fault because I never offer any opinions, I just go along with everything. If something upsets me, or I don't like it, I just smile and act like everything is wonderful. I try to ignore his faults and live in denial about some big issues I have had such a fear of losing him.

I know that marrying him (anytime soon at least) is a mistake on an epic level. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't think getting married is going to fix me.

It sounds exhausting trying to live your life to please another person at the cost of your own real happiness. That's not a life and you deserve better. Wouldn't it be better to build up your own self esteem by doing things you enjoy and maybe helping other people and then being in a relationship where you aren't afraid to express your feelings? In my marriage, I am honest with my husband. If something bothers me, I say so. Both of us decide things to do. It's give and take. Your relationship is very one sided and I don't think you can truly be happy in the long term unless things change.

What faults are you ignoring and what big issues are you in denial about? You say you have a fear of losing him, but wouldn't it be worse to spend the rest of your life hiding your true feelings and walking on eggshells? If you aren't interested in therapy, maybe an online self help group would be something that could help you.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

OP. I know some people have been harsh. There are some things you need to think about. 1st, what is the void in your life that you are trying to fill with a relationship? What things, other than relationships, make you feel satisfied and good about yourself? Why is your happiness dependent on what other people think about you? Why do you value yourself so little that you feel that your opinions and feelings don't matter?

I also want to touch on the drinking thing. Please, if you have a problem, seek help. AA meetings are everywhere. If you are employed, if you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) seek them out. They will help you find help for your drinking and find a reputable therapist.

So much of what you post really sounds like you have some pretty serious issues with self esteem. Someone who loves and values themselves don't seek out, or continue in one-sided, dysfunctional relationships.

I get feeling lonely, or not wanting to be alone, but not being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to be lonely. Broaden your social circles. Seek out opportunities to enrich your life that don't require someone else to make you happy. Take a class, volunteer, join a club.

Relationships are like shoes. You can buy those shoes that don't fit too well, but look really cute on, but after a while they start to hurt. You may even be able to walk in them for a while, and a lot of people may admire them, but in the end, they don't fit, and they hurt your feet, and they have to come off.

I really do not know what void I am trying to fill with a relationship. I do believe that there is one, I just do not know what that is. I have been that way since I was old enough to have a relationship. Since I finally found a BF when I was 17, and yea I am 44 now, I have only been completely out of a relationship and "single" a short amount of time. I would say in 27 years of dating/marriage, I have only ever been truly "single" for maybe 6 months collectively. As far as what besides relationships make me feel satisfied or good about myself, I really don't have much. That is just a sad truth. I feel good about what I do for work, but I would rather be with my BF of course. I keep up more pictures in my cubical than anybody else does, and I probably talk about him too much. I do feel as if I am trying to save the world with work. However, I do not want to be one of those people who only thinks about work and that is their entire life. I don't have any real hobbies besides shopping, and that sounds way too cliche. Wine used to be a hobby, but since my BF isn't too into drinking... well right there was my motivation to quit drinking. I might have a glass or two of wine a week at the most, a lot of weeks it is absolutely none. I don't really miss it, other than the fact it was a hobby and something I was really interested in. I dunno why my happiness depends on what others think. I have just always had this incredible need to have everybody like me. I don't know why I value myself so little that I feel as if my opinions and feelings don't matter. I don't know why I am like that.

 

[LisaR]

I really do not know what void I am trying to fill with a relationship. I do believe that there is one, I just do not know what that is. I have been that way since I was old enough to have a relationship. Since I finally found a BF when I was 17, and yea I am 44 now, I have only been completely out of a relationship and "single" a short amount of time. I would say in 27 years of dating/marriage, I have only ever been truly "single" for maybe 6 months collectively. As far as what besides relationships make me feel satisfied or good about myself, I really don't have much. That is just a sad truth. I feel good about what I do for work, but I would rather be with my BF of course. I keep up more pictures in my cubical than anybody else does, and I probably talk about him too much. I do feel as if I am trying to save the world with work. However, I do not want to be one of those people who only thinks about work and that is their entire life. I don't have any real hobbies besides shopping, and that sounds way too cliche. Wine used to be a hobby, but since my BF isn't too into drinking... well right there was my motivation to quit drinking. I might have a glass or two of wine a week at the most, a lot of weeks it is absolutely none. I don't really miss it, other than the fact it was a hobby and something I was really interested in. I dunno why my happiness depends on what others think. I have just always had this incredible need to have everybody like me. I don't know why I value myself so little that I feel as if my opinions and feelings don't matter. I don't know why I am like that.

Do you know who will know? A qualified therapist! And if you have been this way for 27 years, please understand that it will take some time to not only understand what is going on with you but it will take time to fix it for good. But none of that matters if you aren't willing to admit that you have a problem and that you want to fix the problem. Read what you wrote. You seem to realize that this isn't normal behavior. Do you want to change it? If you don't seek help, I assure you this behavior will continue.

 

[MataHari22]

1. If you back off from this relationship and find a good therapist, you can find out exactly what that void is.

2. You need to find a hobby or two. Preferably, two. One thing you thoroughly enjoy and do for yourself, and one thing that you do for others, like voluteering. Something selfless and something that gives back to your community and or something that helps people in need.

3. Save the world with work? I'm not even sure what this means. I can tell you, that work is important, and if you like what you do, that is outstanding, but work isn't everything, and also, if you left tomorrow, wherever you work, would still keep going. Work is important, but the most important thing is your health, mental and physical. I worked myself to death for a lot of years until I got cancer, it wasn't worth it.

4. The last thing you need, is wine as a hobby. Or shopping, really. That spends money, and just accumulates stuff.

5. I can empathize with being a people pleaser. I can also empathize with low self worth and self esteem. There are a couple of people in my life that can twist me in knots with these two things, and I'm learning how to be stronger and learning how to deal with these issues. Part of the reason why my feelings don't matter to them, is they just do not care, and they believe their feelings and thoughts to be correct, and above mine and think my feelings are wrong and or unimportant. Sometimes, you can cut people like this out of your life, and sometimes, they are so close to you, you cannot entirely do that. If you cannot, you can learn how to deal with them. You can find out why you do this to yourself in therapy. But to live a life where you cannot be yourself, and you just cling to the crumbs that someone gives you, because you don't want to be alone, is an awful way to live. This, combined with you not being strong and healthy enough to be on your own, keeps you from ever meeting a great person and having a fufilled shared life with another good person.

6. Therapy is hard. Change is hard. Change and therapy hurt. They are so hard. Often times things can get worse before they get better. Did I mention it's hard? It's not easy. You have to work at this stuff. You are now like you are, because it's a pattern. It's your behavior. It's easy. It's what you do, and who you are. It's your identity. You can change, but it's hard and you have to want to do it. See @ariel71 's excellent post about being stuck in chapter two. Read it, and then re-read it, and read it again until it sinks in.

I've been alone quite a few years now. Yes, there are times I get a little lonely. But I can be who I am, and I am authentic to myself.

 

[Disney_traveler]

"Since I finally found a BF when I was 17"

You make it sound like this is the age of some spinster.

"However, I do not want to be one of those people who only thinks about work and that is their entire life. "

I can assure you that being single does mean that I think only about work or make it my entire life. I have friends and family. I am sure you do too. Or have they all gone by the wayside since this quest for a man began?

"I don't have any real hobbies"

Get some

"Wine used to be a hobby"

Making wine is a hobby, drinking wine as you refer to it being a hobby is an ADDICTION.

I sincerely believe this is no longer a plea for help or advice. This is a desperate attempt at attention seeking behavior. OP is obviously not getting that from family, friends or the many loves of her life, so she is reaching out here. Ignoring posts of advice and solutions and answering posts that feed into the sob story. Troll or not, we are still feeding into her needs.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

OP Do you have children?