Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Tasha228]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

Oh, dear Lord! You SHOULD want to remind him of his ex. His ex GIRLFRIEND, that is. Dump him. He's shown you ALL the red flags in the world and you've seen all you need to know. Marry him it will end in divorce, probably because he either cheated or you spoke your mind or you are too clingy or about a zillion other reasons I can list just from reading your posts.

You should not be dating ANYONE right now IMO. You are not emotionally healthy enough. Don't friend psychiatrists on FB. Go see one in person and stick with it.

I keep trying to resist posting. I know it's pointless but I'm hoping something clicks with you.

 

[diznygirl]

I keep reading this thread...even though I don't want to!! I really, truly can not believe that this post is real or that the OP is even real. I am having a really hard time believing that a 44 year old woman says "like" in every sentence or talks about Facebook the way she does. I think the OP is a 14 year old girl who is very bored!

OMG! Like, you just reminded me that this sounds like a girl I went to college with. She was a full-on Valley Girl, with "like" all the time, and she was also very very needy when it came to men. "Like, do you think he likes me? Like, I think he's really cute!" Maybe this is her all "grown up." LOL

Maybe I'm so different, that I would not think twice about saying, "Hey, what's up with Tinder on your phone? I thought we were a thing?" The OP needs to get therapy so she can reach that point of self-esteem that she isn't worried about losing the guy by sharing her true feelings.

OP - Newsflash: There are other therapists out there! Either get one, or take our advice and don't be afraid to confront your "boyfriend" on things that concern your relationship.

 

[Tasha228]

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

Ummm, who CARES?! First of all, you are giving yourself way too much credit if you think that many people truly care about your relationship status. And, if they do, I'd hope they'd be more concerned about that fact you keep jumping from relationship to relationship than whether you are single. If they do judge you for being single, make new friends because those kind suck and aren't worth keeping.

Also, you really should see a psychiatrist. It's possible just talking will help. But you could be dealing with some kind of personality disorder or hormone imbalance or something. You could benefit from meds, if that's the case.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly. This guy IS good to me and that has made me bonkers. I feel that he has made me a better person. He motivates me to be my best. I have almost completely quit drinking, I have lost weight, I try to dress better, I want to excel in everything I do.

<Snip>

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

I've noticed that you've mentioned the drinking thing in a number of your threads, giving credit to this relationship for being the reason you've cut back. Do you mean that in the sense of "I used to spend a lot of nights at home with a glass of wine as company, but now the relationship keeps me busy and as a consequence I don't drink as much... And drinking less is always a good thing, right?" Or do you mean "I have/had an alcohol problem?" If it's the latter, you've got bigger things you need to be addressing before even considering adding a new relationship to the mix. Sobriety is something you need to do for yourself, not something that's reliant on external factors. If your drinking is kept in check only because of this relationship, what's going to happen when the relationship falls apart? Right now you're just trading one dependency for another.

To be fair, maybe I'm reading too deep into your comments and you don't have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol at all. If so, disregard what I've said. It just strikes me as an odd thing to repeatedly mention if there's nothing more to it.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I'm going to ask again, out of curiosity, I guess. You are well aware of how people are going to respond to your posts. It will be the same suggestions to slow down and go to therapy..again and again. You ignore all of this. So, why do you continue to give all the details of this relationship? Of course, I realize you have every right to do this. I just wonder what your motivation is. Is it because you just want to let as many people as you can that you are in a relationship?

Attention seeking behavior would be my guess. Doesn't matter who/what/wear gives the attention, or good/bad attention, the OP craves it. I don't think she's a troll, I don't think she's making it up, but I do believe she LOVES all of the attention she is getting from all of us, Facebook, etc.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think it is more complex than that.
I think it is a combination of things.
The OP admits, and has shown many times over, that she is needy.

Maybe a person who needs and requires having their back stroked, constantly, and having to know that 'somebody cares about them', as a way to try to survive.
They do not feel self-validated, so they are always, and forever, and forever-amen, seeking 'validation'.
Not just 'attention'.
I don't think this is an attention seeker.
She is needy of constant validation.

I think that this is a person with multiple issues going on.
And, it would seem that none of the advice and well wishes and admonishments here are going to get thru.

As some have said, even her habit of posting personal and intimate lovey-dovey stuff publicly, for all to see, is a part of that.
Again, who really cares!!! Who shares that stuff??? Really.
It is not enough that the two share intimate lovey stuff between themselves.
She has to broadcast this to the world as proof and validation.

What would be absolutely devastating here, for the OP, would be if every one here just said, "Hey, do what you want with your life/relationship. Who cares...", and "Yawnnnnnnn...."

She is seeking self-esteem, validation, and any awareness of 'self', from others.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

In regards to the motivation for posting... I dunno, I thought maybe it would be some kind of validation. What I often have seen as progress might just digging myself in deeper. When this relationship first started I was scaring myself with my stalker-ish behavior. It was like I could not control myself and stop doing those crazy things.

I have sometimes have trouble figuring out what is "normal" behavior, and being justifiably upset about something vs being unreasonable an unreasonable "witch". This is something I really need to work on. I get SO angry about stuff, and then later I feel as if I should not have gotten angry over it, or I was just plain wrong. The Tinder thing hurt me more than it made me angry.

I guess what I have always wanted more than anything is to be with somebody and be in a loving relationship. Granted I have never had one for very long at a time. It is like you look around you and you see couples together and happy, or at least together I suppose (only they know if they are happy). I just do not want to be alone in the world. It also seems as if the older you get, the less your chances are of finding that. So yea, I guess I kind of went overboard with my efforts. It is like trying to establish a history and cram years worth of memories and stuff into a short amount of time because you realize you are NOT getting any younger. Each day that passes, your chances become even less.

 

[jevs]

I
It also seems as if the older you get, the less your chances are of finding that. So yea, I guess I kind of went overboard with my efforts. It is like trying to establish a history and cram years worth of memories and stuff into a short amount of time because you realize you are NOT getting any younger. Each day that passes, your chances become even less.

This is rubbish. Complete and utter nonsense.

 

[Bluestars]

In regards to the motivation for posting... I dunno, I thought maybe it would be some kind of validation. What I often have seen as progress might just digging myself in deeper. When this relationship first started I was scaring myself with my stalker-ish behavior. It was like I could not control myself and stop doing those crazy things.

I have sometimes have trouble figuring out what is "normal" behavior, and being justifiably upset about something vs being unreasonable an unreasonable "witch". This is something I really need to work on. I get SO angry about stuff, and then later I feel as if I should not have gotten angry over it, or I was just plain wrong. The Tinder thing hurt me more than it made me angry.

I guess what I have always wanted more than anything is to be with somebody and be in a loving relationship. Granted I have never had one for very long at a time. It is like you look around you and you see couples together and happy, or at least together I suppose (only they know if they are happy). I just do not want to be alone in the world. It also seems as if the older you get, the less your chances are of finding that. So yea, I guess I kind of went overboard with my efforts. It is like trying to establish a history and cram years worth of memories and stuff into a short amount of time because you realize you are NOT getting any younger. Each day that passes, your chances become even less.

If he is constantly battling with his ex about the kids, that will most likely not change until the youngest is 18 (at the very least). This needs to be something you can accept because it will not change any time soon. Maybe when he is arguing with her, you can find other things to do. I can see how it would be annoying, but this is beyond your control. You can't change other people's behavior. Hoping they will change is unrealistic. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. All you can do is either accept it or decide that you don't want to live that way.

If something is bothering you, you need to be able to communicate with him about your feelings. It doesn't have to be after you have put up with something until you can't take it any more and explode. Try talking about it when you are both calm. The bad part about holding in your feelings is that someday they will come out and it won't be in a way you can control because you've held them in for so long. Better to release steam a little at a time and deal with it. If you break up just because you are being honest with him about your feelings, then it was never meant to be.

Even though you don't want to be alone, surely getting married again and then divorced is not a better option. It sounds like you are living in fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of him leaving you. Fear of growing old with nobody to love. The answer isn't going to be found in another person. It's inside of you. You are very insecure now and I don't see that changing just because you might wear a wedding ring someday. You should find things to do that you enjoy that aren't dependent on another person. The thing is, when you do things that make you happy and learn to love yourself, you will become a person who attracts those feelings from others. I wish you well.

 

[Pugsly]

In regards to the motivation for posting... I dunno, I thought maybe it would be some kind of validation. What I often have seen as progress might just digging myself in deeper. When this relationship first started I was scaring myself with my stalker-ish behavior. It was like I could not control myself and stop doing those crazy things.

I have sometimes have trouble figuring out what is "normal" behavior, and being justifiably upset about something vs being unreasonable an unreasonable "witch". This is something I really need to work on. I get SO angry about stuff, and then later I feel as if I should not have gotten angry over it, or I was just plain wrong. The Tinder thing hurt me more than it made me angry.

I guess what I have always wanted more than anything is to be with somebody and be in a loving relationship. Granted I have never had one for very long at a time. It is like you look around you and you see couples together and happy, or at least together I suppose (only they know if they are happy). I just do not want to be alone in the world. It also seems as if the older you get, the less your chances are of finding that. So yea, I guess I kind of went overboard with my efforts. It is like trying to establish a history and cram years worth of memories and stuff into a short amount of time because you realize you are NOT getting any younger. Each day that passes, your chances become even less.

Wow. I have absolutely no words.

 

[jevs]

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

At least people don't pull punches here. It really makes me think. My friends (for the most part) encourage this stuff. I think they might just tell me what I want to hear. Of course I never told them about the Tinder thing because I was too embarrassed.

I realize that this relationship is kind of one-sided. For the entire 6 months I have agreed with every thing he said.I have been like a "cheerleader" for him the entire time. He decides everything we do. Which that is my own fault because I never offer any opinions, I just go along with everything. If something upsets me, or I don't like it, I just smile and act like everything is wonderful. I try to ignore his faults and live in denial about some big issues I have had such a fear of losing him.

I know that marrying him (anytime soon at least) is a mistake on an epic level. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't think getting married is going to fix me.

 

[Disneylover99]

At least people don't pull punches here. It really makes me think. My friends (for the most part) encourage this stuff. I think they might just tell me what I want to hear. Of course I never told them about the Tinder thing because I was too embarrassed.

I realize that this relationship is kind of one-sided. For the entire 6 months I have agreed with every thing he said.I have been like a "cheerleader" for him the entire time. He decides everything we do. Which that is my own fault because I never offer any opinions, I just go along with everything. If something upsets me, or I don't like it, I just smile and act like everything is wonderful. I try to ignore his faults and live in denial about some big issues I have had such a fear of losing him.

I know that marrying him (anytime soon at least) is a mistake on an epic level. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't think getting married is going to fix me.

Wake up!!!! It's not too late.

Disagree with him. Make your own plans. Invite him or not. Be ticked off if you're ticked off. Tell him what you really think. Confront him if necessary. Be real.

Then let the chips fall where they may.

 

[CarolAnn856]

At least people don't pull punches here. It really makes me think.

And based on your threads, all you do is think. You don't actually take any of the advice. So, again, why bother posting?

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

At least people don't pull punches here. It really makes me think. My friends (for the most part) encourage this stuff. I think they might just tell me what I want to hear. Of course I never told them about the Tinder thing because I was too embarrassed.

I realize that this relationship is kind of one-sided. For the entire 6 months I have agreed with every thing he said.I have been like a "cheerleader" for him the entire time. He decides everything we do. Which that is my own fault because I never offer any opinions, I just go along with everything. If something upsets me, or I don't like it, I just smile and act like everything is wonderful. I try to ignore his faults and live in denial about some big issues I have had such a fear of losing him.

I know that marrying him (anytime soon at least) is a mistake on an epic level. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't think getting married is going to fix me.

Just remember, you will forever and ever have to keep everything to yourself. You won't ever be able to share your opinion or decide what you guys are doing. You will always just have to smile and act like everything is wonderful. Because otherwise he might not like it and he may leave?

Is that what you want? Just so you can post on facebook that you are a couple? Really?

 

[Disney_traveler]

Hello, I'm a 32 year old single female with no desire whatsoever to EVER be married or have children. I have felt that way since I was in high school and classmates had puppy love, throughout college with friends looking for "the one" and even now as a successful grown woman. No comments of "the clock is ticking" or "you're past your prime" bother me. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. Seems you could learn a little of that but more than likely you just see me as a pathetic, unloved, alone, hermit.

 

[MataHari22]

 

[Tuffcookie]

I was married for 20 years and I have been divorced for 24. After my divorce I told my sister to hit me upside of the head if I ever talked of getting married again!

I do have a boyfriend but we each maintain our own homes. (We are in our mid 60s). I truly love my singleness and have no desire to get married again.

Why do you feel you have to be married over, and over, and over again? Like Dr Phil asks, "How's that working for you"?

You need to believe that you will not die without a man in your life. It is much better to be alone than married to the wrong person for the sake of being married!

I relish the liberty I have to do what I want, when I want! I got a 2nd dog in April, right after we got back from Disney World. I didn't have to ask anyone else about the decision! This summer, a group of ladies I grew up with went to NJ and had a fabulous week-end. Didn't have to clear it with anyone.

Instead of enjoying your single life you are treating it like a disease that has to be cured with a wedding ring! Until you own up to this and get some help, you will be divorced again.

TC

 

[handinpocket]

I don't believe a word of this. Nope, not one sentence. From the invalid husband this person supposedly left....to the new flame. This is entertainment, no way it's real.

 

[Lynne M]

I realize that this relationship is kind of one-sided. For the entire 6 months I have agreed with every thing he said.I have been like a "cheerleader" for him the entire time. He decides everything we do. Which that is my own fault because I never offer any opinions, I just go along with everything. If something upsets me, or I don't like it, I just smile and act like everything is wonderful. I try to ignore his faults and live in denial about some big issues I have had such a fear of losing him.

Think for a moment about the kind of man who would be attracted to this kind of behavior. It's the perfect bait for a narcissist. A healthy man wouldn't want this sort of relationship.

Kathryn, I know you spend a lot of time wondering why your relationships don't seem to work. I think you've answered your own question here. Your marriage ends, you go with the very first man to show any interest, and then hang on tight and don't let go. No matter what. No matter what red flags you see. You twist yourself into a pretzel, suppress your personality, walk on eggshells, anything to get him to stay.

Did you ever think that maybe you're missing out on a really good guy, who's really right for you, while you're clinging for dear life to Mr. Good-Enough, trying to force the relationship to work?

It's not supposed to be like this. There's not ANYTHING wrong with being single, until a good healthy relationship comes along. How will you ever find that really good guy if you're *not* single for awhile?

My life is good. With or without a guy. I've got wonderful family and friends, a career that I enjoy, and plenty of interests to fill my days. So, I have pretty high standards when I choose someone to add to that life. That's the place you need to get to.