Stepparent roles

[Tink888]

I agree it is better that my brother doesn't resent the child. But I feel my brother goes out of his way too much for his stepdaughter. My brother's wife doesn't work and even though she gets child support for her daughter my brother has to provide a lot for them and my brother takes her to his jobplace after school and there the little girl acts up and follows my brother around and caused disruptions at meetings. I think that is reason coworkers are concerned about my brother. My brother manages a local government agency and my aunt deals a lot with the agency because a non-profit group she is involved in. She told my mom that there was meeting recently in which my brother's stepdaughter caused an arugment between my brother and another person. The ages of the other three kids are 20 18 and 15. My brother gets along well with them.

I see what you're saying and read your other replies also. IMHO it sounds like maybe the girl has some minor behavior issues and the concern of your brother's family/friends is more of a "why does he halve to deal with this when it's not even his child" kind of thing rather than an inappropriate relationship?

That said, it sounds like your brother is maybe taking an added interest in the girl and giving her a lot of attention because he feels she might need that. To me - it's not inappropriate and any positive experiences the girl has with adults in her life are a good thing. As another poster said, there no such thing as too much love. Your brother sounds like a good guy and since he seems to have a good relationship with all of his wife's children, I wouldn't be too concerned about the relationship with the girl. It sounds like he's just doing what he can to make his new family work. That's a good thing KWIM?

 

[disneyjunkie]

Last year my brother married a woman with four kids the youngest is 11 years old. She has a father who is involved in her life. But the way she and my brother interact has really concerned by parents, my brother's coworkers and friends. Almost daily the stepdaughter goes to my brother's office after school and is always physically close to my brother. She is always following him around and I have heard from relatives that at their homes the stepdaughter is always walking around with my brother and my brother is always going out of his way to do things for her. Recently one of my brother's coworkers told my mom that my brother's wife is talways taking frequent trips out-of-town and she is living her daughter alone with my brother. They basically say that my brother acts like the girl's dad and that she acts like a daddy's girl with my brother. I find the relationship between my brother and his stepdaughter to be weird in a lot of ways. The girl spends two weekends of month with her father. She spends most of the summer with him. My question is should stepparents act like real parents even if a mother or father is still in the child's life? I have a couple of friends who grew up with stepdads and had close relationships with them mainly because their fathers really weren't involved in their lives. My family and I find the way my brother and the girl act to be weird. Please share your thoughts or experiences. What roles should stepparents have?

Besides having the the child spend so much time at his place of employment, I don't see a problem.

 

[bumbershoot]

I wouldn't find it strange at all. But the reason I do find it strange is because a couple of my close friends got along well with their stepdads but they weren't really close. The little girl follows my brother around a lot and is sort a pest with him.


But I feel my brother goes out of his way too much for his stepdaughter. My brother's wife doesn't work and even though she gets child support for her daughter my brother has to provide a lot for them and my brother takes her to his jobplace after school and there the little girl acts up and follows my brother around and caused disruptions at meetings.

My brother dated the mother a year before they got married and back then my family was concerned about how the girl acted around my brother. My brother's wife has only be married once and it was to the father of her oldest son. Her two middle children share the same father and the youngest has a different father.

I think the fact that the little girl is demanding and that my brother is always stepping up to provide her with things is what concerns my dad about this. We feel that my brother acts too much like a dad when the biological dad is still involved and the little girl treats and acts like my brother is her dad even though she had a dad in her life. I think that is the part we find difficult to understand.

It is the fact that he makes time for her and the fact that his wife sends her to job place almost daily after school is what concerns people. My brother's wife seems sort of neglectful. She doesn't have a job but she is constanly making trips to her hometown which is about 3 hours away and this is when she leaves the little girl with my brother. The little girl has said that her dad does a lot for her.


My brother's stepdaughter ...

We do expect my brother to treat her well. We don't think anything inappropriate is going on. But we feel my brother acts too much like father for her and my brother has to provide a lot for her because often the child support money she receives from her father doesn't last and my brother ends up buying stuff for her.

It's OK that a stepdad spends money on his stepkids. In fact it's lovely. It's nice that he's not treating them as some "other" that must not be cared for financially.

It sounds like this girl has had a tough life. Sounds like even though she has a dad that takes her places (which is something that you do with GUESTS...if her dad were still living with her mom they would not be DOING things every weekend...this shows me that she's a guest at her dad's house...at my dad's house, we hung around, read books, helped dad fix the car, etc...home-type things, not guest things), she is yearning for stability.

Sounds like her mom is a piece of work, and it's possible your brother won't be around for too terribly long b/c of this woman, BUT while he's there, he's providing those children with positive things that might last for them.


Please start calling them your step-nieces and nephews. OK?

And maybe instead of thinking there's something weird about him acting differently than the stepparents of your friends, try to see it as a GOOD thing. Maybe the moms of your friends weren't so messed up. Maybe they had better relationships with their fathers. Maybe their stepdads were jerks that had no interest in them.

The stability and assistance and presence that your brother is giving this girl and the older ones might prove to be invaluable, and might help the girl live her life differently than her mom.


And again, step-niece and step-nephew. Not "my brother's stepchildren".

 

[lulugirl]

We do expect my brother to treat her well. We don't think anything inappropriate is going on. But we feel my brother acts too much like father for her and my brother has to provide a lot for her because often the child support money she receives from her father doesn't last and my brother ends up buying stuff for her.

Since you don't suspect anything inappropriate I really think all the concerned family members and co-workers need to mind their own business.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I dunno. She's part of your brother's family now. Even though he isn't her biological parent, he is still a parental figure, and is responsible for her to a certain degree. If he's happy with the arrangement, then it's unfortunate that his family doesn't support him.

Of course, my personal opinion is that she shouldn't be with him at work, but it seems that his boss/coworkers should talk to him if it's causing an issue.

And poor girl. She doesn't live with her bio father, and her mother seems to have other priorities above her (from what I could glean from your post). No wonder she wants to spend time with the parental figure who IS accessible. It would be really a shame if your brother were to also indicate that he doesn't have time for her, or that his family might through some concern, make a little 11 year old feel badly for wanting to be loved.

 

[crashbb]

It is the fact that he makes time for her and the fact that his wife sends her to job place almost daily after school is what concerns people.

Wow - the part that I've bolded really jumped out at me. You find it strange that your brother makes time for his step daughter? Seriously? You expect him to ignore her and not make time for her?

As others have said, unless you think something inappropriate is going on (which you say you don't), I think you need to stay out of it.

 

[Tinijocaro]

There are so many battles between step-parents and step-children. I find, from what you've told me, your brother and his step-daughter's relationship to be endearing. She gets along with him. He is a positive influence in her life and she, as a pre-adolescent, is receptive to his influence. How can that be a bad thing. Unless of course, you think he is a pedophile. That's a whole 'nuther story. Eleven is a very cute age and from what you've told us, she is lucky to have a good male influence in her life, in addition to her father.

Last year my brother married a woman with four kids the youngest is 11 years old. She has a father who is involved in her life. But the way she and my brother interact has really concerned by parents, my brother's coworkers and friends. Almost daily the stepdaughter goes to my brother's office after school and is always physically close to my brother. She is always following him around and I have heard from relatives that at their homes the stepdaughter is always walking around with my brother and my brother is always going out of his way to do things for her. Recently one of my brother's coworkers told my mom that my brother's wife is talways taking frequent trips out-of-town and she is living her daughter alone with my brother. They basically say that my brother acts like the girl's dad and that she acts like a daddy's girl with my brother. I find the relationship between my brother and his stepdaughter to be weird in a lot of ways. The girl spends two weekends of month with her father. She spends most of the summer with him. My question is should stepparents act like real parents even if a mother or father is still in the child's life? I have a couple of friends who grew up with stepdads and had close relationships with them mainly because their fathers really weren't involved in their lives. My family and I find the way my brother and the girl act to be weird. Please share your thoughts or experiences. What roles should stepparents have?

 

[Tinijocaro]

Now that I've read some more posts, I have to say that when you marry someone with children, you become an instant family. Your family should be thrilled that he is taking his role seriously, not looking to criticize. His wife is lucky to have found him-imagine if you got divorced and your new husband was indifferent to your children. It would break my heart. He must know how much her mother loves her.

 

[Bluestars]

I think the fact that the little girl is demanding and that my brother is always stepping up to provide her with things is what concerns my dad about this. We feel that my brother acts too much like a dad when the biological dad is still involved and the little girl treats and acts like my brother is her dad even though she had a dad in her life. I think that is the part we find difficult to understand.

If that's all you are worried about, then I see nothing wrong with their close relationship. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was raised by my mother and step-father. I had a great relationship with my step-father. He always treated me like a biological child (he had several). I worked out in the yard with him. I would choose to ride with him over my mother when we drove somewhere and used two cars. He was a great father figure to me and I appreciate the way he was able to treat me the same as he did his other children.

If the girl is disruptive at your brother's work, that is your brother's problem, not the girl's. Your brother needs to be the one to handle that.

 

[browneyes106]

The thing about the workplace problem is my brother is a town adminstrator for local government. He is the boss of the other employees. The person that my brother answers to is the town mayor and so far the mayor hasn't done anything about the complaints from the coworkers.

 

[Bluestars]

From your posts, your brother sounds like a great step-father to this girl. She is very lucky. I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with a person having a great relationship with their step-daughter, as long as there is nothing inappropriate going on, which you said there wasn't.

If she becomes a problem at his workplace, then I'm sure his boss will discuss it with him. The best thing the rest of the family can do is let him live his life. He isn't hurting anyone by being kind to this girl and treating her as his own. Good for him.

 

[browneyes106]

It's OK that a stepdad spends money on his stepkids. In fact it's lovely. It's nice that he's not treating them as some "other" that must not be cared for financially.

It sounds like this girl has had a tough life. Sounds like even though she has a dad that takes her places (which is something that you do with GUESTS...if her dad were still living with her mom they would not be DOING things every weekend...this shows me that she's a guest at her dad's house...at my dad's house, we hung around, read books, helped dad fix the car, etc...home-type things, not guest things), she is yearning for stability.

Sounds like her mom is a piece of work, and it's possible your brother won't be around for too terribly long b/c of this woman, BUT while he's there, he's providing those children with positive things that might last for them.


Please start calling them your step-nieces and nephews. OK?

And maybe instead of thinking there's something weird about him acting differently than the stepparents of your friends, try to see it as a GOOD thing. Maybe the moms of your friends weren't so messed up. Maybe they had better relationships with their fathers. Maybe their stepdads were jerks that had no interest in them.

The stability and assistance and presence that your brother is giving this girl and the older ones might prove to be invaluable, and might help the girl live her life differently than her mom.


And again, step-niece and step-nephew. Not "my brother's stepchildren".

There are some things that don't seem right with my brother's wife. She constantly makes one week trips to other places. I agree some of the things she does at her dad's are guest things but she does get attention from her dad and I'm sure they do home type things. I just weird calling them step niece and step nephew. The kids really aren't friendly to me and I have tried to take them places and they refuse. So I guess I kind of don't see them as step-nieces and step-nephews.

 

[cheermom1]

Brown eyes - it takes time for kids to come close to other adults in a new family so don't take it personal that they haven't wormed up to you - as you can see from my sig i have three stepsons i have been in their life for more then 5 years and they still are not close to my parents. it just the dyanamatcis of our lives and theirs. I really don't see anything wrong with what is going on with the way you have described the situation. the girl just sounds as if she needs some stibilaty and your brother is providing it for her and she might also know that it may not last long b/c I'm sure she has seen what her mother is doing if you can she can.....

 

[lsyorke]

I think the fact that the little girl is demanding and that my brother is always stepping up to provide her with things is what concerns my dad about this. We feel that my brother acts too much like a dad when the biological dad is still involved and the little girl treats and acts like my brother is her dad even though she had a dad in her life. I think that is the part we find difficult to understand.

Sounds like this is bothering you more than it's bothering your brother. I think it's wonderful when a "step" situation turns out so well....this coming from a stepmother who loves her step kids! My, then 11, year old step daughter and I were and still are very close.

 

[sunnyday123]

It is the fact that he makes time for her and the fact that his wife sends her to job place almost daily after school is what concerns people. My brother's wife seems sort of neglectful. She doesn't have a job but she is constanly making trips to her hometown which is about 3 hours away and this is when she leaves the little girl with my brother. The little girl has said that her dad does a lot for her. My brother's stepdaughter isn't involved in any sports or extracurricular activies but she has told my relatives usually when she spends weekends with her dad they go to the movies or events going on in the town. She said they play video games and stuff at her dad's. I do think her father pays attention at to her at his home.

Then the only thing I find strange is the fact that your family feels that by your brother treating this child like a member of the family, and like a daughter, that this is strange.

You should be proud of your brother, and ashamed of your family.

 

[Bluestars]

The kids really aren't friendly to me and I have tried to take them places and they refuse. So I guess I kind of don't see them as step-nieces and step-nephews.

I think you should keep trying. Some relationships take time. If the kids feel like other family members might resent them, they might be hesitant to form a relationship with the family members. If you are kind to them and sincere, then I think they will eventually respond to you.

In my experience, people like to talk about themselves and their interests. Maybe you can find out some of their interests and talk to them about those things. That might warm things up. Usually people respond to kindness, if it is sincere. They might not know how to react to you just yet. They probably have their guard up.

 

[browneyes106]

I think you should keep trying. Some relationships take time. If the kids feel like other family members might resent them, they might be hesitant to form a relationship with the family members. If you are kind to them and sincere, then I think they will eventually respond to you.

In my experience, people like to talk about themselves and their interests. Maybe you can find out some of their interests and talk to them about those things. That might warm things up. Usually people respond to kindness, if it is sincere. They might not know how to react to you just yet. They probably have their guard up.

I have been trying with the kids while my brother and sil were dating. I invitied to college sporting events, concerts and other things and they always refused my invitations. My parents and sister have tried as well. I have talked to them about interests and they do listen to artists whose concerts I invited them to and they watch the football and basketball games I invite them to on TV. I still try here and there but they also refuse things.

 

[mtemm]

again, am wondering if your brother is happy with the relationship he has with his stepdaughter?

I agree with the others that say your relationship with your step-niece will likely take some time to form. am wondering if the reason she refuses to do things with you is that she gets a judgemental vibe from you? not sure how well you mask that, or whether your brother is aware of your concerns about their relationship. if he is aware and not happy with your concern, it may be something he discusses with his wife, and it might be preventing his wife and her children from being close to you. It does sound like you are hurt and feeling rejected by your brother and his family...am hoping you both find a way to come together.

do you work with your brother, or are just so close to his co-workers that they are comfortable talking to you about their concerns about your brother's bringing the girl to work? I actually find it inappropriate that they discuss it with you and not with him, if it is such a problem in the workplace. certainly doesn't seem very effective.

 

[mtemm]

There are some things that don't seem right with my brother's wife. She constantly makes one week trips to other places.

am wondering, is it possible you are more concerned with your brother's relationship with his wife than with her daughter?

 

[MushyMushy]

Then the only thing I find strange is the fact that your family feels that by your brother treating this child like a member of the family, and like a daughter, that this is strange.

You should be proud of your brother, and ashamed of your family.

I totally agree! I'm appalled that the family thinks there is something wrong with a stepparent and stepchild bonding.

I think the family should mind their own business.