Stepparent roles

[Nicolepa]

First of all child support is not supposed to cover everything. It is supposed to help with the expenses. The parent recieving support will always have to pay for expenses out of their pocket. Since the mother doesn't work, that falls on your brother.

Second, good for your brother! Even if the dad is in the picture she's only with him 4 days a month. That means 26 days a month she is with your brother! So he should be as much of a father as her mother will allow.

My "step" dad is a wonderful man. He and my mom met when I was 6, married when I was 8. He NEVER referred to me as his "step" child. He thought that was offensive. I never called him my "step" dad. In the summer I would live with HIS parents. His parents and my moms parents lived in the same town. I started out staying w/my grandparents and seeing them on the weekends. After a couple of years it was reversed. I loved going over there. They had a pool. She would sign me up for tennis lessons, swim lessons, camp etc. She taught me to cook, sew, knit, garden you name it. He would play cards with me, house, whatever I wanted. They loved having a little girl around (They had 3 boys). They dotted on and adored me. My grandma died when I was 16. To this day I miss her. I missed not having her at my wedding. I miss that she never met my kids etc.

My mom & dad have been divorced for 18 years. I still call him dad. He was at my wedding and in all the family photos. He is grandpa to my kids. We wouldn't have it any other way.

If anything I would be worried about the lack of interest the mother shows to her own children. Now THAT sounds wierd to me.

 

[Babboo]

Where is the issue here? First the OP tries VERY hard to insinuate something inappropriate with the way the man has assumed the role of being the dad. In the case of a step-parent this is VERY difficult, especially when there is a caring and loving biological-parent actively involved in the child's life.

However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him making time for her - I think (as numerous others have commented) that it is commendable and wonderful. He is making this child feel special and I have no doubts he is doing so with the other step-children. I think he is trying very hard to be a positive and active part of their lives.

What I would like to understand is what the OP's problem with this situation is. It sounds to me the OP's got an issue with her brother. Perhaps with his new wife? Maybe the whole family's got a problem with this particular brother and his wife. I am not sure. Seems to me that something other than the relationship of the brother and his step-child(ren) is at question here. I would like to get the "Paul Harvey" on this one (IOW - there's more to this story).

One of my step children once said (because she was angry and irritated with me and life in general) the famous words "You're not my father". I was initially hurt by this but remained quiet - I later reflected and realized she's right and I was glad. Because I CHOSE them as my family. I gladly accepted the responsibility and am glad for any time I can have with my kids - be that talking for a few minutes - sharing something we do - or playing games. The fact that this child clearly cares for her step-dad (and yes, there is a HUGE distinction between a dad and a father) and that he feels the same is fantastic!! I wished every step parent could be so fortunate. Too often we are the outsider or the intruder who is seen as the enemy because we are taking away the other parent's attentions and love from them.

Personally I think the only "issue" here is something other than the child and step-parent. I think it's pretty sick to try and implicate something like this unless you have some pretty solid and conclusive evidence and not just because of some petty jealousy or unnatural fascination with a sibling. If it were me and a family member were making these unfounded accusations and insinuations there would be no problem seeing that person out of my life for good.

 

[cheermom1]

Where is the issue here? First the OP tries VERY hard to insinuate something inappropriate with the way the man has assumed the role of being the dad. In the case of a step-parent this is VERY difficult, especially when there is a caring and loving biological-parent actively involved in the child's life.

However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him making time for her - I think (as numerous others have commented) that it is commendable and wonderful. He is making this child feel special and I have no doubts he is doing so with the other step-children. I think he is trying very hard to be a positive and active part of their lives.

What I would like to understand is what the OP's problem with this situation is. It sounds to me the OP's got an issue with her brother. Perhaps with his new wife? Maybe the whole family's got a problem with this particular brother and his wife. I am not sure. Seems to me that something other than the relationship of the brother and his step-child(ren) is at question here. I would like to get the "Paul Harvey" on this one (IOW - there's more to this story).

One of my step children once said (because she was angry and irritated with me and life in general) the famous words "You're not my father". I was initially hurt by this but remained quiet - I later reflected and realized she's right and I was glad. Because I CHOSE them as my family. I gladly accepted the responsibility and am glad for any time I can have with my kids - be that talking for a few minutes - sharing something we do - or playing games. The fact that this child clearly cares for her step-dad (and yes, there is a HUGE distinction between a dad and a father) and that he feels the same is fantastic!! I wished every step parent could be so fortunate. Too often we are the outsider or the intruder who is seen as the enemy because we are taking away the other parent's attentions and love from them.

Personally I think the only "issue" here is something other than the child and step-parent. I think it's pretty sick to try and implicate something like this unless you have some pretty solid and conclusive evidence and not just because of some petty jealousy or unnatural fascination with a sibling. If it were me and a family member were making these unfounded accusations and insinuations there would be no problem seeing that person out of my life for good.

I love this I will have to remember this, although I have been very fortunate that mine have never said that I am not their mother but then again I have never made them feel like I was trying to take over either but you better believe they know when I mean business too. but if they ever do tell me that i am not their mom I would just simply say "you're right i am not you have a mother and her name is_____ but when you are in my house it's my rules."


op please remember that children take their cues from the adults in their lives and them not getting close to you may not be a slap in the face but maybe they are shy or something else maybe holding them back I don't know but please give them time. and like I said b4 I don't think there is anything wrong with the relationship and if your brother doesn't have a problem then there isn't one. only your brother can make those decisions for himself.

 

[browneyes106]

Sounds like this is bothering you more than it's bothering your brother. I think it's wonderful when a "step" situation turns out so well....this coming from a stepmother who loves her step kids! My, then 11, year old step daughter and I were and still are very close.

again, am wondering if your brother is happy with the relationship he has with his stepdaughter?

I agree with the others that say your relationship with your step-niece will likely take some time to form. am wondering if the reason she refuses to do things with you is that she gets a judgemental vibe from you? not sure how well you mask that, or whether your brother is aware of your concerns about their relationship. if he is aware and not happy with your concern, it may be something he discusses with his wife, and it might be preventing his wife and her children from being close to you. It does sound like you are hurt and feeling rejected by your brother and his family...am hoping you both find a way to come together.

do you work with your brother, or are just so close to his co-workers that they are comfortable talking to you about their concerns about your brother's bringing the girl to work? I actually find it inappropriate that they discuss it with you and not with him, if it is such a problem in the workplace. certainly doesn't seem very effective.

My family lives in a small town and I know one of my brother's coworkers pretty good because she is cousin to one my close friends. They have discussed their feelings with my brother but he has brushed them off . I guess in a way my parents and I are feeling hurt and rejected by my brother and his family. My brother is always off doing things with his wife's side of the family and he doesn't spend a lot of time with my parents like used to. My brother in the past year has attended a lot events that happen in his wife's family and he hasn't attended anything for my side of the family.

 

[crashbb]

I guess in a way my parents and I are feeling hurt and rejected by my brother and his family. My brother is always off doing things with his wife's side of the family and he doesn't spend a lot of time with my parents like used to. My brother in the past year has attended a lot events that happen in his wife's family and he hasn't attended anything for my side of the family.

And that is what the whole issue is about. You seem to be jealous of this little girl, since she is taking the affections of your brother away from you (and your parents). That is problem between you and your brother - not between your brother and your step-niece.

 

[SharkyGoddess]

My family lives in a small town and I know one of my brother's coworkers pretty good because she is cousin to one my close friends. They have discussed their feelings with my brother but he has brushed them off . I guess in a way my parents and I are feeling hurt and rejected by my brother and his family. My brother is always off doing things with his wife's side of the family and he doesn't spend a lot of time with my parents like used to. My brother in the past year has attended a lot events that happen in his wife's family and he hasn't attended anything for my side of the family.

This alone makes it sound as if you and your family are disapproving of the new wife and using the daughter as an excuse. I would also say there is a fair amount of jealousy in your tone.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, as a stepmom and a birth mom I am happy to see when a stepparent has such a fantastic relationship with their step child. I was very lucky in my life. Back in the 60's my mom and my birth father divorced when I was a baby. Mom met a man who became my step father when I was four. In every way he was my father. Was he always a good parent? No, he had some issues related to his time in Vietnam. But you know what? He was my dad. To this day he is my dad. And he is my children's grandfather. And my step children's grandfather and my brothers adopted children from a second marriage grandfather. He has a heart that includes all children, genetics are not a factor. I have a good friend who is divorced from his wife, his step children are grown and have children of their own now. But they know him has granddad and the delight I saw on his face this last Christmas when they came home was enough to light up the world. The point is, family can include anyone you want to include. Your brother has made a choice to make this child his family. Your brother has decided that something she needs from him and he is freely giving his time, attention and love to her. She may or not be getting that from her real parents. I do not understand why your family feels that they should protect your brother or wonder what his problem is that he has made a decision on who his family should/will be.

I also know that some kids, especially teens, who have come from a broken family are more likely to take time to form a bond with a new family or a new parent. Sometimes, they challenge you, as the adult, to leave them, dislike them in order to protect themselves and validate the fact you won't be around for long. As the adult, you are responsible for continuing to make them know they are welcome in your life, you like having them there and you will continue to ask them to do things with you so you can get to know them better. Even kids get the vibe that they are not welcome in someone's life. Why should they bother to get close to you or your family if they feel you do not like them. What possible good could come out of that.

IMHO, your brother is trying to go above and beyond the call of duty because it sounds like his family does not like his NEW family. Imagine where he is coming from. It almost sounds like your family feels like there is something wrong or weird going on. And by the way, depending on the amount of child support, it doesn't cover all the expenses of having a child or all the things we WANT our children to have. That he spends his money on her is a good thing, not a bad thing. From the sounds of it, her real parents give a care whether she has what she needs emotionally or physically. I think your brother should be commended for trying, cause it sure sounds like noone else is.


Kelly

 

[agnes!]

OP - Are you *serious*? It's up to your DBro and your SIL to fix the aituation if that is necessary.

Btw, you do realize that your brother's "new wife" is your sister-in-law, don't you?

agnes!

 

[Breezie]

My family lives in a small town and I know one of my brother's coworkers pretty good because she is cousin to one my close friends. They have discussed their feelings with my brother but he has brushed them off . I guess in a way my parents and I are feeling hurt and rejected by my brother and his family. My brother is always off doing things with his wife's side of the family and he doesn't spend a lot of time with my parents like used to. My brother in the past year has attended a lot events that happen in his wife's family and he hasn't attended anything for my side of the family.

This whole thread has been a little disheartening to me. But the bolded above especially. The vibe I get from your posts is that you want your brother to act like his step-daughter is just some random girl who inhabits the house. I can't tell you how refreshing it is, when I see a step-parent step up and love these kids as their own.

My parents got a divorce when I was 12. It was heartbreaking to me. I thought I'd lost everything. Many years later, my Dad started dating a woman and now she's his wife. She is a wonderful person and I'm so thankful my Dad has her. I may be in my early twenties, but she is always there for me if and when I ever need her. She hasn't taken on the role as my Mother. I have a Mother. She is wonderful also. But she still creates a loving and caring environment.

I've been on the other side of this equation too. My Dad also dated (not very long) some women who treated myself and my brothers as pariahs. It's a terrible feeling, feeling as though you are unwanted. Even by someone who "isn't your parent".

It makes my heart swell that your brother is doing a great thing for this little girl. It's not easy being in this situation for anyone. I think you should have a little more compassion for the situation. He's doing a great thing.

 

[NMAmy]

My family lives in a small town and I know one of my brother's coworkers pretty good because she is cousin to one my close friends. They have discussed their feelings with my brother but he has brushed them off . I guess in a way my parents and I are feeling hurt and rejected by my brother and his family. My brother is always off doing things with his wife's side of the family and he doesn't spend a lot of time with my parents like used to. My brother in the past year has attended a lot events that happen in his wife's family and he hasn't attended anything for my side of the family.

Well, it only took 3 pages for us to get to the main issue here. browneyes, I think you and your family are feeling a bit left out of your brother's life. That's understandable but if you live in a small town and you're phrasing your concerns to others the way you did in your OP, you might want to rethink that. Your post made it sound as if something inappropriate was going on and that was your concern. Do you really want your brother's coworkers and neighbors thinking he's being inappropriate with this girl? I don't think that's the way to bring him and his new family back and will even drive a further wedge between you. If everyone is happy to run and gossip with you about his work life, they'll run back the to him and your comments will get back to him, as well.

DH is my dd's stepfather. She has a dad who is very involved in her life. She and DH have a great relationship--and yes, he buys her stuff and spends time doing things with her and I've never hesitated to leave the two of them home alone. He spoils her more than my ex or I do and she thinks that's great.

Child support is a 50/50 thing--one parent is not supposed to provide for their child's every need. Since your SIL is not working, your brother has admirably stepped up to the plate and is helping to financially support this girl. As long as no abuse is going on, this is none of your business.

 

[browneyes106]

We don't want my brother to treat the girl like a random person or resent her and we are hurting because my brother in the past year hasn't spent much time and ignored a lot of events for my family. He and his family didn't attend my grandmother's birthday party, they didn't attend several graduation parties and other events. They spend every holiday with sil's family. We do want my brother to treat the girl well but we feel he is acting too much like a father when she already has one.

 

[Clarice]

I'm going to be blunt. It doesn't matter what you feel. Your brother has his family now. His wife and his children. They are his priority and maybe the reason they are not spending as much time with you is because they all pick up on your family's disappoving and resentful attitudes. I'm a stepchild and although my stepfather did not have any family close by, I know he would not hesitate to back off from anyone who treated us as the "stepchildren".

My advice, be thankful your brother is man enough to accept responsibilty of being a true stepfather. Mind your own business and leave him to his.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm going to be blunt. It doesn't matter what you feel. Your brother has his family now. His wife and his children. They are his priority and maybe the reason they are not spending as much time with you is because they all pick up on your family's disappoving and resentful attitudes. I'm a stepchild and although my stepfather did not have any family close by, I know he would not hesitate to back off from anyone who treated us as the "stepchildren".

My advice, be thankful your brother is man enough to accept responsibilty of being a true stepfather. Mind your own business and leave him to his.

Amen!

Browneyes, how old are you? If you're a teen, then I'm sorry and don't mean to be harsh. But if you're older than that, then you and your family need to grow up. Your brother seems to be the only one who's acting like a reasonable adult here.

 

[disney kid at heart]

I haven't read all the posts but I will tell you what I am going thru. My DGD is 13. She lives with her mother and step-father. Mom and step-dad care for their 2 children and DGD feels like 3rd wheel. Her father moved to Louisiana with step-mom and they love their 2 boys. These statments are on their myspace which DGD sees all the time. Her mother shows pictures of their 2 kids and none of DGD. Her father and mother, and step-mother and step-father do not care for her. She is fighting a battle no 13 yr old should face. I have always believed that when u marry a man with children you should treat them as though they were your own. I love my DH dearly and love his children as they are a part of the man I love. For some strange reason people don't see it that way. I feel that step-parents have the responsibilty to love spouses children as their own. IMO so do not flame me.

 

[sunnyday123]

We don't want my brother to treat the girl like a random person or resent her and we are hurting because my brother in the past year hasn't spent much time and ignored a lot of events for my family. He and his family didn't attend my grandmother's birthday party, they didn't attend several graduation parties and other events. They spend every holiday with sil's family. We do want my brother to treat the girl well but we feel he is acting too much like a father when she already has one.

Well honestly, you sound like you are treating his wife and his step-children as they have become a wedge into the family, and that is probably the reason he has stepped back. THEY are HIS family now, and any man with an ounce of sense would try to protect them from any situation that makes them feel unwanted. And from your post, that is how they sound.

And he should act like a father to that child. HE is her STEP FATHER. HE is with her way more then her biological father. Her mother and her father I am sure are grateful that he is being a loving, caring, supportive person when he is with her. Should he just breeze past her in the hall in the morning? Not form a relationship or a bond with her because she isn't blood?? I truly hope that you or anyone in your family is never divorced, and never has to deal with weeding out all the losers in the world to find someone who treats their child as a person, and a member of their familly instead of a guest. I am just appaled at the way your family is thinking he is "being a father to this child" and really you don't have to wonder why they haven't warmed up to you, just go back and read your previous posts. If someone thought about my children what you family does, I wouldn't want them around said family. Sorry if this comes across a little harsh, but I've received calls from my daughter at 3am crying because of what her fathers girlfriend has said to her, or called her, and truly wish that she was being treated as a member of that family instead of an outsider.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I find your post stranger then the relationship you describe. Seems as though you are trying to plant seeds in peoples minds.

Yes. You really sound like you want to start trouble with your brother and this girl.

It is very sad.

How old are you?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We don't want my brother to treat the girl like a random person or resent her and we are hurting because my brother in the past year hasn't spent much time and ignored a lot of events for my family. He and his family didn't attend my grandmother's birthday party, they didn't attend several graduation parties and other events. They spend every holiday with sil's family. We do want my brother to treat the girl well but we feel he is acting too much like a father when she already has one.

Seriously?

Your family needs to act like a family. You attack his new family and can't figure out why they don't want to spend holiday's with you?

Wake UP!

ETA.....

Your family is hurting your brother and new family.

However that seems to be OK with you.

The fact that he responds by staying away from and thus hurting you is not OK.

Do you see the irony here?


---

 

[browneyes106]

Amen!

Browneyes, how old are you? If you're a teen, then I'm sorry and don't mean to be harsh. But if you're older than that, then you and your family need to grow up. Your brother seems to be the only one who's acting like a reasonable adult here.

Well honestly, you sound like you are treating his wife and his step-children as they have become a wedge into the family, and that is probably the reason he has stepped back. THEY are HIS family now, and any man with an ounce of sense would try to protect them from any situation that makes them feel unwanted. And from your post, that is how they sound.

And he should act like a father to that child. HE is her STEP FATHER. HE is with her way more then her biological father. Her mother and her father I am sure are grateful that he is being a loving, caring, supportive person when he is with her. Should he just breeze past her in the hall in the morning? Not form a relationship or a bond with her because she isn't blood?? I truly hope that you or anyone in your family is never divorced, and never has to deal with weeding out all the losers in the world to find someone who treats their child as a person, and a member of their familly instead of a guest. I am just appaled at the way your family is thinking he is "being a father to this child" and really you don't have to wonder why they haven't warmed up to you, just go back and read your previous posts. If someone thought about my children what you family does, I wouldn't want them around said family. Sorry if this comes across a little harsh, but I've received calls from my daughter at 3am crying because of what her fathers girlfriend has said to her, or called her, and truly wish that she was being treated as a member of that family instead of an outsider.

Seriously?

Your family needs to act like a family. You attack his new family and can't figure out why they don't want to spend holiday's with you?

Wake UP!

ETA.....

Your family is hurting your brother and new family.

However that seems to be OK with you.

The fact that he responds by staying away from and thus hurting you is not OK.

Do you see the irony here?

First of all I'm 23 years old and almost nine years ago my family lost my other brother to a accidental gunshot wound. I became really close with my brother after that. My parents became closer to their children and wanted to have close relationships with them. Our family became closer after the death of my brother. When my brother starting dating my SIL he started more time with her side of the family. He stopped going to a lot of our family events and when I would invite him and his family to events they would refuse my invitations. There were couple of times the two of us went to the movies. When they became engaged they did go to a couple of our family events but since they have married they haven't gone to anything. My parents for the past couple of years have felt they have lost another son and sometimes I feel like I don't have a brother left in my life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Stop living in the past and embrace the present.

Your brother has married someone with 4 kids. That is alot to take on.

Change is a normal thing.

If your brother wants to spend time with you, he will. Quit blaming others.

I am almost 44 and been there, done that.

Stop the poisoning in your family, trust me. Accept that your brother is in a new family now.

Yea, you have "lost him" for awhile. That is NORMAL considering the circumstances.

 

[browneyes106]

We have accepted them and we have tried numerous times to reach out to them and include them in things since before the marriage and they have refused our attempts. We are doing our best to live in the present but it hurts when the only son and brother left isn't around much.