Stepparent roles

[crashbb]

Given that you refer to them at "the girl", "my brother's wife" or "my brother's wife's daughter", I wonder how sincere they felt that your invitations were - I know that I wouldn't feel like you actually had any interest in spending time with me and were only inviting me because you wanted your brother.

I'm guessing you don't actually refer to them my those terms to their faces - but they give an idea of what your feelings towards them are like.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We have accepted them and we have tried numerous times to reach out to them and include them in things since before the marriage and they have refused our attempts. We are doing our best to live in the present but it hurts when the only son and brother left isn't around much.

Stop playing "hurt". You are only furthering your rift.

Your brother will have to come around on his own.

Accept the situation. I know it stinks.

Stop blaming an innocent 11yo for your brother, for starters.

Realize this is YOUR BROTHERS CHOICE. Say that over and over when you feel the pull to blame the SIL or the kids. Esp. when you are with family.

Psychologically you can skip a whole lot of baloney if you realize that your brother is the one driving this bus.

 

[HoneyPooh]

And your response to this hurt is to talk about him behind his back with his co-workers about his relationship with his step-daughter?

Wow.

 

[sunnyday123]

Given that you refer to them at "the girl", "my brother's wife" or "my brother's wife's daughter", I wonder how sincere they felt that your invitations were - I know that I wouldn't feel like you actually had any interest in spending time with me and were only inviting me because you wanted your brother.

I'm guessing you don't actually refer to them my those terms to their faces - but they give an idea of what your feelings towards them are like.

It does sound like your family in general is not very welcoming to your sister in law and her children. People can tell when they are not wanted, and won't want to participate. Also realize that once someone marries, they have another family that they do have to and will want to spend time with. They cannot spend every holiday or special event with just your family. Her family is probably way more welcoming and doesn't refer to your brother as "that guy".

 

[browneyes106]

I have really tried with them since my brother and sister in law were dating. My parents have tried as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have really tried with them since my brother and sister in law were dating. My parents have tried as well.

So since that is not working you plan on attacking the 11yo child?

You cannot change your brother. Accept what is and leave it alone.

Stop poisoning your brother. DO NOT sit there and talk behind his back with family, friends, coworkers.

Wish him well and then let it go.

 

[browneyes106]

My intentions weren't to attack the 11 year old. I know I can't change my brother but I'm hurting a lot because I don't have many friends and my brother and I were really close. His coworkers came to my parents and I about their feelings. I guess at this point I have to give up my friendship/relationship with my brother.

 

[MushyMushy]

My intentions weren't to attack the 11 year old. I know I can't change my brother but I'm hurting a lot because I don't have many friends and my brother and I were really close. His coworkers came to my parents and I about their feelings. I guess at this point I have to give up my friendship/relationship with my brother.

I don't think you have to give up any relationship with him, but from the sounds of it, you and your family were probably laying some unrealistic expectations on him. It's perfectly normal for a married person to quit focusing so much on parents and siblings and to spend more energy on their new family. What you need to do is go out and make more friends -- it's just not healthy to expect your brother to be everything to you. That's far more "strange" (for lack of a better word) than the attention he is giving his stepchildren.

 

[sunnyday123]

My intentions weren't to attack the 11 year old. I know I can't change my brother but I'm hurting a lot because I don't have many friends and my brother and I were really close. His coworkers came to my parents and I about their feelings. I guess at this point I have to give up my friendship/relationship with my brother.

WHY is this an all or nothing relationship??? His co-workers need a swift kick in the rear. And your parents should have given to them. Really, your brother is the bad guy because he's being a nice, loving person to his step-daughter?? It sounds like everyone is trying to plan a guilt trip and your brother isn't going.

I really think some family counseling is in order. Maybe that will help bring everyone together.

 

[Bluestars]

My intentions weren't to attack the 11 year old. I know I can't change my brother but I'm hurting a lot because I don't have many friends and my brother and I were really close. His coworkers came to my parents and I about their feelings. I guess at this point I have to give up my friendship/relationship with my brother.

If I were you I would have a heart to heart conversation with my brother. You can let him know that you miss him being a part of your life and let him know that you would love to be included in some things with him and his family.

There could be many reasons why he has pulled away. He could be busy. His wife might feel uncomfortable around your family. He might think you don't like his wife or children. The only way to find out what he is feeling is to talk to him about it. Ask if there is anything you or your family is doing that would make his family feel uncomfortable or unwanted.

Communication goes a long way. Good luck to you. It sounds like you really miss your brother. He sounds like a great guy.

 

[Loverly]

Almost daily the stepdaughter goes to my brother's office after school and is always physically close to my brother. ?

I'm trying to figure out how it is actually permisable for a child to be at an office daily. Does he own his own buisiness?

Besides that, it seems like your brother is being a great step-dad. good for him.

 

[castleview]

My intentions weren't to attack the 11 year old. I know I can't change my brother but I'm hurting a lot because I don't have many friends and my brother and I were really close. His coworkers came to my parents and I about their feelings. I guess at this point I have to give up my friendship/relationship with my brother.

Change can stink, but it's always for the better. This may sound harsh, but you need to find something to do...something that makes you happy and might enable you to meet new people.

I was the girl that took DH from his family. I often heard how they "wanted the old DH back", how "he's changed" and "we never see you anymore". Trust me that drives away both the family member and his significant other.

Keep going forward yourself and your brother and his wife will fall in line with you eventually. But you have to be positive, any negativity will only drive them farther away.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My intentions weren't to attack the 11 year old. I know I can't change my brother but I'm hurting a lot because I don't have many friends and my brother and I were really close. His coworkers came to my parents and I about their feelings. I guess at this point I have to give up my friendship/relationship with my brother.

You are not "giving up". What you need to do is change.

It is clear that your family is resistant to change and perhaps that is one of the attractions that this new family has.

Open your heart, get a new life, and one day he will come back to you.

However if you continue on the path you are on you will lose him.

Cut the guy a break, he has 4 kids to care for.

 

[tasha99]

I'm not understanding why you think a step father isn't a real dad. I have a stepdad and a stepmom, and both are just as much my parents as my mom and dad are (still, and I'm in my 40's).

It sounds to me like your brother is doing what is right for his family and protecting them. I think that's the mature choice--his new family has to come first. Nothing is worse than going to a family gathering where you're considered an outsider, and from the word choices in your posts, it seems like they aren't ALL welcome.

 

[browneyes106]

I don't think you have to give up any relationship with him, but from the sounds of it, you and your family were probably laying some unrealistic expectations on him. It's perfectly normal for a married person to quit focusing so much on parents and siblings and to spend more energy on their new family. What you need to do is go out and make more friends -- it's just not healthy to expect your brother to be everything to you. That's far more "strange" (for lack of a better word) than the attention he is giving his stepchildren.

Maybe we were laying unrealistic expectations on him but we were at least hoping he would still do things with us once in awhile. I do understand my brother needs to give his family attention. I'm the type of person that doesn't make friend easily. I don't click with people right away. I have a couple of close friends but they are married and have families too.

WHY is this an all or nothing relationship??? His co-workers need a swift kick in the rear. And your parents should have given to them. Really, your brother is the bad guy because he's being a nice, loving person to his step-daughter?? It sounds like everyone is trying to plan a guilt trip and your brother isn't going.

I really think some family counseling is in order. Maybe that will help bring everyone together.

We don't think my brother is a bad guy for giving attention to his stepdaughter we kind of find it weird in a way. We weren't inteded to give him a guilt trip we are only hoping that he realizes that he has sort of left us out.

If I were you I would have a heart to heart conversation with my brother. You can let him know that you miss him being a part of your life and let him know that you would love to be included in some things with him and his family.

There could be many reasons why he has pulled away. He could be busy. His wife might feel uncomfortable around your family. He might think you don't like his wife or children. The only way to find out what he is feeling is to talk to him about it. Ask if there is anything you or your family is doing that would make his family feel uncomfortable or unwanted.

Communication goes a long way. Good luck to you. It sounds like you really miss your brother. He sounds like a great guy.

I'm not sure about having a conversation with my brother about being included in some things with him and his family. I don't like to impose on other people so I kind of don't want to force being included on them. My parents and I have done our best to make his family feel wanted. We do want to be friends with them and we have given them presents and tried our best to do things with them. I do miss my brother a lot.

 

[crashbb]

I'm not sure about having a conversation with my brother about being included in some things with him and his family. I don't like to impose on other people so I kind of don't want to force being included on them.

So, you'd rather talk about your brother behind his back (with his co-worker and here), post stories that make it sound like your brother has a sexually inappropriate relationship with an 11 year old, and carry a grudge against your SIL and step-nieces and nephews?

 

[browneyes106]

So, you'd rather talk about your brother behind his back (with his co-worker and here), post stories that make it sound like your brother has a sexually inappropriate relationship with an 11 year old, and carry a grudge against your SIL and step-nieces and nephews?

I agree I have made mistakes over the past couple of days and I didn't intend to post any stories that would paint my brother in a bad light. I went about talking about this the wrong way. I meant in my post that I didn't want to include myself in my brother's family unless they wanted me around them and they wanted to do things together. I don't have anyone really to talk to and I do miss my brother a lot. My family misses him too. I'm not trying to carry a grudge aganist my SIL, step nieces/nephews. I'm just longing to be accepted and trying to accept them. I have just found it weird that my brother has a close relationship with them because other people I know who have stepparents aren't really close to them.

 

[browneyes106]

I'm not understanding why you think a step father isn't a real dad. I have a stepdad and a stepmom, and both are just as much my parents as my mom and dad are (still, and I'm in my 40's).

It sounds to me like your brother is doing what is right for his family and protecting them. I think that's the mature choice--his new family has to come first. Nothing is worse than going to a family gathering where you're considered an outsider, and from the word choices in your posts, it seems like they aren't ALL welcome.

I agre my word choices have been wrong. I find it weird and sort of hard to say and write different things because I have an awkard relationship with them.

 

[Poohlovr]

Forgive me for bringing up past posts (not normally my style, because I can't usually remember them- lol), but here I go...

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2015400&page=1&highlight=

In this thread, you were upset that you were not asked to be part of the wedding party. It was pretty clear that you were not thrilled that your brother was marrying this woman with 4 kids by 3 different fathers, and had been married to only one of them.

Maybe your disapproval of her was not as hidden as you would have liked? Maybe the disapproval of her pushed your brother away? Could he have felt that he was being forced to make a decision between his parents/sibs and his new family? If so, I can promise you the new family will win most of the time.

Then, in another post, when you found out that your brother had fathered a child with another woman, you seemed...hopeful...that the news would change things and maybe your brother would not be getting married.

(http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2015809

But I think the stuff that has come out will effect the wedding and other things

Yep--I think you were a little too obvious with your disapproval and now your S-I-L doesn't want to be around you...and apparently, your brother has sided with his wife...as he should.

You need to try to make a clean start with them. If necessary, apologize for your past behaviors. Accept that your brother is married, whether you like it or not. Accept his wife and her children as your family and quit looking for something wrong in everything he does with them.

 

[Loverly]

Now I remember this poster. all her gripes were about a "friend" . but it was really about her disapproval of her brother and his new wife. So now the target is the youngest kid. Sad.