Stepparent roles

[browneyes106]

Last year my brother married a woman with four kids the youngest is 11 years old. She has a father who is involved in her life. But the way she and my brother interact has really concerned by parents, my brother's coworkers and friends. Almost daily the stepdaughter goes to my brother's office after school and is always physically close to my brother. She is always following him around and I have heard from relatives that at their homes the stepdaughter is always walking around with my brother and my brother is always going out of his way to do things for her. Recently one of my brother's coworkers told my mom that my brother's wife is talways taking frequent trips out-of-town and she is living her daughter alone with my brother. They basically say that my brother acts like the girl's dad and that she acts like a daddy's girl with my brother. I find the relationship between my brother and his stepdaughter to be weird in a lot of ways. The girl spends two weekends of month with her father. She spends most of the summer with him. My question is should stepparents act like real parents even if a mother or father is still in the child's life? I have a couple of friends who grew up with stepdads and had close relationships with them mainly because their fathers really weren't involved in their lives. My family and I find the way my brother and the girl act to be weird. Please share your thoughts or experiences. What roles should stepparents have?

 

[cheermom1]

here's the thing though if her dad really isn't a dad such as she is only going to his house as a visitor or if they aren't close, I don't know if they aren't or are but taht could be a reason she is being a "daddy's girl" with your brother seeking a fathers love. or it could be taht your brother is just giving her any and everything she wants and finds that all she has to do to get the things she wants to buddy up to him kwim? - I don't really know if this is what the deal just some suggestions good luck

 

[MushyMushy]

There is no "should" in families. If they are close, good for them. Can we ever love too many people?

They way you were wording it, I thought something funny was going on. But if they're just close, then why is there an issue?

 

[doxdogy]

As a stepparent myself, I see nothing wrong with it. Just because she has a biological father that is involved with her life, is no reason for your brother to ignore her and not cultivate any sort of relationship with her. My daughter and I have a very close relationship. True her mother wasn't involved in her life. But even if she had, I think we would still have a close relationship.

I honestly don't see what business it is of the others what type of relationship your brother and his stepddaughter have with each other. My husband's feeling was if she was in our house, then she had to listen to the both of us and not just him.

 

[Bluestars]

There is no "should" in families. If they are close, good for them. Can we ever love too many people?

They way you were wording it, I thought something funny was going on. But if they're just close, then why is there an issue?

I was thinking the same thing.

My question would be would you think anything strange about the relationship if it was between a biological father and daughter? Is it the interaction that you find strange, or is it just because they have a close relationship and aren't biologically related? There is a huge difference.

 

[chattyann]

I am a stepparent and I do not find that strange at all. I have a stepson and we have been very close over the years. I do not think of him as my step child but as one of my children. I love him just as much as I do my other 2 sons. When he was younger he followed me around and wanted to go everywhere with me even if his dad was staying at home.

 

[Tink888]

As a step-parent I don't find it strange to have a close and loving relationship with a step-child. It doesn't mean your brother is trying to replace the girl's biological father. It is better than your brother not having any interest or resenting the child, particularly since it sounds like your brother and his wife have primary custody.

I'm wondering though why there seem to be so many people who know your brother and find the relationship strange? Also you mentioned his wife had three other children - what are their ages and what kind of relationship does your brother have with them?

 

[EpcotBeauty]

The way you worded your post makes it seem like your family suspects your brother of an indecent relationship with the child.

If that was not your intent, you need to re-think this whole post.

 

[bumbershoot]

"should stepparents act like real parents"

My usual answer for that is "you can try, but don't expect it to be reciprocated by the kids", but in THIS case I'm completely confused by the question.

Most 11 year old girls aren't following their fathers around unless they are trying to get presents, LOL. So I would assume that's the case with your brother too.

My stepdad (first stepdad) and I had a fairly close relationship for awhile, he taught me and my brother a lot and we stuck close because he was interesting sometimes. We DID spend time with our dad (though it never changed in the summer...dad's life wasn't set up for that sort of long visit) but I was still close with stepdad.

So I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

YOu say they were married last year, but how long did he date their mom? He could be a huge part of their lives, and if you're only judging it from since they were married then that's sad.

Also, obviously there was something that didn't work out with the other husband. Therefore she might not have been around a good parental relationship, and now she is learning what a good dad is like, what a live-in dad is like. This isn't a bad thing. It's probably better to take him as a father figure than her bio dad, if her bio dad isn't a terrific guy. Might save her a lot of "bad boy" boyfriends in the future, if your brother is a good man and she can see what a good man acts like. I had to move back in with my mom and her third husband (second stepdad) for a year when I was 25, just to get the idea of what a GOOD relationship is like to live around.



On the other hand, maybe there's something awful happening. But that doesn't seem to be your concern, despite all the worries you say people are having.

 

[browneyes106]

I was thinking the same thing.

My question would be would you think anything strange about the relationship if it was between a biological father and daughter? Is it the interaction that you find strange, or is it just because they have a close relationship and aren't biologically related? There is a huge difference.

I wouldn't find it strange at all. But the reason I do find it strange is because a couple of my close friends got along well with their stepdads but they weren't really close. The little girl follows my brother around a lot and is sort a pest with him.

As a step-parent I don't find it strange to have a close and loving relationship with a step-child. It doesn't mean your brother is trying to replace the girl's biological father. It is better than your brother not having any interest or resenting the child, particularly since it sounds like your brother and his wife have primary custody.

I'm wondering though why there seem to be so many people who know your brother and find the relationship strange? Also you mentioned his wife had three other children - what are their ages and what kind of relationship does your brother have with them?

I agree it is better that my brother doesn't resent the child. But I feel my brother goes out of his way too much for his stepdaughter. My brother's wife doesn't work and even though she gets child support for her daughter my brother has to provide a lot for them and my brother takes her to his jobplace after school and there the little girl acts up and follows my brother around and caused disruptions at meetings. I think that is reason coworkers are concerned about my brother. My brother manages a local government agency and my aunt deals a lot with the agency because a non-profit group she is involved in. She told my mom that there was meeting recently in which my brother's stepdaughter caused an arugment between my brother and another person. The ages of the other three kids are 20 18 and 15. My brother gets along well with them.

 

[MariDisney]

My ex and I separated when DD was 23 months old. My DH and I started dating several months later. My DD met him a few months later so I guess she was 2 1/2 or around there. We married when she was 4 1/2. She has no memory of life withpit her step-dad. Her dad is still very much in her life. For all intents and purposes she has 3 parents and is bonded very very closely with my DH/her stepdad. If I go out of town we stay on the same schedule so she would be home with her stepdad much of the time.

Now, I think when children are older, even slightly, it's harder for step parents to act like bio-parents. But, in our case I don't see more than slight differences in the step vs. bio parent roles. Now, since my DD is a pre-teen girl, I think she's closer to me in general than the 2 men.

The only thing that is different is that my DH takes a back seat role in working out the scheduling, finanicial stuff, etc. The ex and I do that together.

I do agree with the PP that said your post makes it sound like there is something inapppropriate going on in your situation. If there is a suspicion of that I'd act quickly to find out so that a stop could be put to it.

 

[browneyes106]

"should stepparents act like real parents"

My usual answer for that is "you can try, but don't expect it to be reciprocated by the kids", but in THIS case I'm completely confused by the question.

Most 11 year old girls aren't following their fathers around unless they are trying to get presents, LOL. So I would assume that's the case with your brother too.

My stepdad (first stepdad) and I had a fairly close relationship for awhile, he taught me and my brother a lot and we stuck close because he was interesting sometimes. We DID spend time with our dad (though it never changed in the summer...dad's life wasn't set up for that sort of long visit) but I was still close with stepdad.

So I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

YOu say they were married last year, but how long did he date their mom? He could be a huge part of their lives, and if you're only judging it from since they were married then that's sad.

Also, obviously there was something that didn't work out with the other husband. Therefore she might not have been around a good parental relationship, and now she is learning what a good dad is like, what a live-in dad is like. This isn't a bad thing. It's probably better to take him as a father figure than her bio dad, if her bio dad isn't a terrific guy. Might save her a lot of "bad boy" boyfriends in the future, if your brother is a good man and she can see what a good man acts like. I had to move back in with my mom and her third husband (second stepdad) for a year when I was 25, just to get the idea of what a GOOD relationship is like to live around.



On the other hand, maybe there's something awful happening. But that doesn't seem to be your concern, despite all the worries you say people are having.

My brother dated the mother a year before they got married and back then my family was concerned about how the girl acted around my brother. My brother's wife has only be married once and it was to the father of her oldest son. Her two middle children share the same father and the youngest has a different father. The yougest's father lives in a small town where my uncle and aunt live and they have said he seems to be a nice person and his family owns a hardware and a restaurant.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

The way you worded your post makes it seem like your family suspects your brother of an indecent relationship with the child.

If that was not your intent, you need to re-think this whole post.

I find your post stranger then the relationship you describe. Seems as though you are trying to plant seeds in peoples minds.

 

[browneyes106]

I think the fact that the little girl is demanding and that my brother is always stepping up to provide her with things is what concerns my dad about this. We feel that my brother acts too much like a dad when the biological dad is still involved and the little girl treats and acts like my brother is her dad even though she had a dad in her life. I think that is the part we find difficult to understand.

 

[mrsltg]

My father (biological) is still very much alive. My Dad (stepfather) is who I think of whenever someone asks, "How's your Dad/father?" No, there is nothing wrong with stepparents becoming close to their stepchildren. I lived with my father until I was two. I lived with my stepfather from the time I was 6 until I moved out at 21. My stepfather walked me down the aisle and hosted the wedding. My stepfather is the first call I make when I have news (good or bad.) My stepfather adores his granddaughters (my 3 girls) and is their "Poppa." My heart will be broken when I lose him.

 

[sunnyday123]

As a step-parent I don't find it strange to have a close and loving relationship with a step-child. It doesn't mean your brother is trying to replace the girl's biological father. It is better than your brother not having any interest or resenting the child, particularly since it sounds like your brother and his wife have primary custody.

I'm wondering though why there seem to be so many people who know your brother and find the relationship strange? Also you mentioned his wife had three other children - what are their ages and what kind of relationship does your brother have with them?

Is there other things going on that make people think this relationship is "strange"? Or is it just the fact that he makes time for a child that isn't "his"?

My DD is the same age. Her fathers X claimed they had a "weird" relationship because she followed him everywhere when she was with him. Basically, it's her way of ensuring she gets any attention from him, because the only way she get's it from him is to be in his face. He thinks nothing of working all day, both days he has her, and then going right to sleep when he gets home, or sending her to his brothers house.

Maybe your brother is giving her the attention she isn't getting from her Dad, and he's more or less like a new toy. DD told me once she wouldn't mind me getting married again because then she would have a Dad that lived with us and played with her and went to her soccer games and practices.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think the fact that the little girl is demanding and that my brother is always stepping up to provide her with things is what concerns my dad about this. We feel that my brother acts too much like a dad when the biological dad is still involved and the little girl treats and acts like my brother is her dad even though she had a dad in her life. I think that is the part we find difficult to understand.

How does your family expect him to treat her? I'm really confused. Do they think your brother is being innappropriate with her?

 

[browneyes106]

Is there other things going on that make people think this relationship is "strange"? Or is it just the fact that he makes time for a child that isn't "his"?

My DD is the same age. Her fathers X claimed they had a "weird" relationship because she followed him everywhere when she was with him. Basically, it's her way of ensuring she gets any attention from him, because the only way she get's it from him is to be in his face. He thinks nothing of working all day, both days he has her, and then going right to sleep when he gets home, or sending her to his brothers house.

Maybe your brother is giving her the attention she isn't getting from her Dad, and he's more or less like a new toy. DD told me once she wouldn't mind me getting married again because then she would have a Dad that lived with us and played with her and went to her soccer games and practices.

It is the fact that he makes time for her and the fact that his wife sends her to job place almost daily after school is what concerns people. My brother's wife seems sort of neglectful. She doesn't have a job but she is constanly making trips to her hometown which is about 3 hours away and this is when she leaves the little girl with my brother. The little girl has said that her dad does a lot for her. My brother's stepdaughter isn't involved in any sports or extracurricular activies but she has told my relatives usually when she spends weekends with her dad they go to the movies or events going on in the town. She said they play video games and stuff at her dad's. I do think her father pays attention at to her at his home.

 

[browneyes106]

How does your family expect him to treat her? I'm really confused. Do they think your brother is being innappropriate with her?

We do expect my brother to treat her well. We don't think anything inappropriate is going on. But we feel my brother acts too much like father for her and my brother has to provide a lot for her because often the child support money she receives from her father doesn't last and my brother ends up buying stuff for her.

 

[mtemm]

how does your brother feel about his relationship with his stepdaugher?