Stepmothers....

[BabyTigger99]

Okay, I am playing the frustrated stepmother role, ready to give my DH a kick in the pants!! My DH and I have been together for 5 years, been married for 3. His DD is 10. She lives with her mother about an hour away, and we have her every weekend, unless my DH is gone for reserves. Part of me thinks this sounds very material and shallow when I say it, but then again, I will just speak my mind! I am sick of us spending our money, over and above what he pays in child support to get her nice things that go to her mom's and we never see again, or spend money on decent clothes that either don't come back to our house, or when they do, they have stains on them. Just this past weekend we had to go get her a new pair of khaki pants for church because the ones her mom sent had holes and stains. DH pays $325 a month in child support, and ex-wife is working as an RN (and is never around during the week, but that is a whole nother story...). I am just sick of it, and DH will not say anything about it to the ex-wife. We like our kids to look nice, what can I say? We have bought her a personal CD player every year for Christmas for the last three years, and she always needs a new one, because it gets broke, or her older brother (at her mom's) takes it. Why can't her mom buy her nice stuff for once???

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I understand your frustration, and I am sorry for it.

Could the things you buy her stay at your own house?

 

[kdibattista]

No offense but I really think you need to stay out of it. $325 doesn't sound like a whole heck of a lot of child support for you to be complaining that you are spending extra on things like clothes. Kid's toys get broken, their clothes get stained... that's apart of life. It sounds like there are deeper issues because this just seems petty.

 

[Jaimee]

I feel your pain!! We have my boyfriend's kids EVERY weekend, actually Friday-Monday night. My DS is 5, his kids are 5 & 4. We no longer allow them to bring the things we buy to their mom's house. He also pays child support, we have them every weekend, and during the summer they were with us more that their mom. Everything we send home with them either disappears or comes back stained and then she sends them to our house in clothes that are 2 sizes to small, or inappropriate for the weather (shorts and no coats when it's 55 degrees!) so we have to buy them something else to wear. Before I caught on I'd let the 5 yr old wear my son's clothes since they're the same age, but I soon realized he'd wear them to his moms and we'd never see them again. We did buy the older one all new school clothes (5 sets of uniform pants, shirs, socks and 2 pairs of shoes, a back pack and a fall jacket) and we sent those home. Other than that everything stays with us.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I am a stepmom, too. What a special thing to be!

My kids (there really are no steps) are 10 (DS) and 11 (DD). We have had some issues these past few months, and the kids aren't coming over as often as they had been. We really miss them (and they live less than 30 minutes away, it's just that their mom always has them doing something). Our child support is a lot higher than yours plus health insurance. But I never complain. I want them well taken care of. And they are. They live in a lovely gated community, go to a good school (as far as Florida standards go. We have offered to help with Private school, but their mom is happy with their schools) and have everything they need and more. Their mom makes about the same money as DH.

We take them on vacations and buy them nice things. Most of those items are taken to their mom's house, but since that is where they spend most of the time that is where they should be, so they can actually use them and not be in some shrine. lol

We do have our issues. You should have seen what was sent as Easter church clothes one year. But we all talked about it, and we haven't had a problem with clothes ever since. But even if we did, that's ok, cuz I love the kids to pieces and we can work through anything. And if I have to go out and spend a few more dollars I really don't care.

But our issues are different from yours. Their mom buys them nice things too.

But what is really going to happen if DH gets on his EX about these things. A nice fight will happen and more bad feelings will take place. Sometimes just letting things go is better. Believe me there will be bigger issues right around the bend that will require much more time and understanding.

I try to look at it this way. We all love the kids (DH, me and their mom). And because we (DH and me) love them, we need to respect their mom, too. I consider her a part of our extended family. And like any family we do disagree about things. Right now it's DS's grades and what should be expected of him. Now that is something that really gets me going because it's only a diservice to him to not expect more from him. So we are into about round 3 on that issue. lol

 

[LadyAurora]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Always my stepsons would come for their weekends in faded jeans with holes at the knees and permanent grass stains. Plain sweatshirts with arms that were too short. Their coats were always filthy. She never sent any other clothes with them (she knew we kept clothes at our house) so I would have to wash everything they wore over the weekend, regardless of whether it was one load or four (i.e. whites, jeans, cold, etc.). We never let anything we purchased go the their mother's house because a) we'd never see it again, and b) it would be ruined. I would wonder about where the child support goes, but I heard about the new big-screen TV.
Now we have moved down here. They live in IL. As soon as we got down here, she reneged on the visitation agreement we had worked out and only let the boys visit for two weeks this summer. Now we have to take her to court to get the visitation changed officially. I miss the days when I only had to worry about getting the boys' clothes clean!
Hang in there! Just keep clothes and belongings for her at your home. That is what we did, and it worked fine.

 

[MICKEY88]

if the clothes belong to the child they should go where she wants them..otherwise it's like loaning her the clothes..as for things being ruined or stained, if yopu let a child be a child,,and play..this will happen...

the only one hurt by fighting over petty stuff is the child...

 

[Miss Jasmine]

the only one hurt by fighting over petty stuff is the child...

Truer words were never spoken. Thanks Mickey for saying that.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

ok I'll be blunt.

$325 a month is $3900 a year. IMHO that is nowhere near 1/2 of what it costs to raise a child. Your husband is getting a bargain. It's very nice that her mother works as an RN. My Mom was an RN, the pay was crap and the hours were often horrendous. I don't know of any 10 year old kid who doesn't break things and stain their clothes. I own a 10 year old myself and just this morning was shaking my head over the 3 pairs of blue jeans with the ripped out knees in the wash, as well as the nice docker pants that for some reason were worn while jumping in leaf piles this weekend...... but I digress.

All that being said, I see nothing wrong with your husband buying his daughter 1 or 2 nice outfits to keep at your house. It would be a nice gesture actually and would also help with the continual packing and unpacking that these kids often have to go through. If it would make you feel happier too, even better.

 

[jx3smom]

You know kids are kids. Clothes get torn and stained. I can buy my DS clothes today and I swear tomorrow there will be something wrong with them. If you buy a child something it is theirs not just when they visit. Maybe you could keep church clothes at your house so she does look nice. As far as the CD player, my son has been through 5 or 6 already. They don't last. My older boys (not the one mentioned above) will not even speak to their dad anymore for many reasons. But, when they did visit him and he kept their gifts they said they didn't even want them. He never bought them clothes, just gifts at Christmas, etc. and they were for HIS and Steps house.

Also, isn't child support to go to housing, food, and all the other things including clothes. You DH really isn't paying a whole lot if you ask me. Every person in a household contributes to the cost of electric, gas, rent (need bigger home), water, food, transportation costs. Maybe after all that there isn't a lot left for new clothes everytime a child stains them.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

"I've looked at life from both sides now...." song lyrics and true for me with parenting/step parenting. I'm Mom to kids who left my house on some weekends and some who came to my house in the summer. They're all grown now and believe me we had issues over lots of things but the reminders here like Miss Jasmine's about extended family are important. Even though Jennie, Steve, Tim, Jeff, Melissa, Michelle, Micah and Andrew are grown their other parents are still part of their lives and of ours. Whatever can be done to keep the peace without sacrificing your sanity and your entire budget is the best thing to do, I believe. The children have enough stress moving from house to house and family to family. My advice is to talk to the parent(s) at the child's other home if she/he/they are at all reasonable people. Good communication and respect go a long way in helping raise healthy kids.

Now we're raising a grandchild (biologically related to my husband but bound to my heart like steel) so we have a dysfunctional set of parents to deal with plus other grandparents plus many aunts and uncles who want a say but don't want to get too involved.......... I struggle to have patience and maintain good communication because its best for Isabella.

Good luck. Its not easy to parent/co-parent/step-parent but its worth it when you see (in our case) that most of your children have grown to be wonderful, successful, caring adults. And it happens quickly, believe me.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Congrats on the weight loss and best of luck fighting that lymphoma!

 

[doxdogy]

DH and I had the same problem when DD was young. Except it was her mother and grandmother complaining about her clothes being stained and dirty. They didn't believe in letting her play in the dirt. So to solve the problem we talked to the DD and we all decided that the clothes we bought her would stay at our house. That way she had clothes at our house and it felt more like home to her then just a temporary residence. It also solved the problem of clothes being left behind. Because we would sure heard about it on Sunday night. Also, I never ever considered her my stepdaughter. She was and still is just as much my daughter as my husband's daughter. In fact, she is more like me then her own mother. It is amazing how alike we our in our personalities.

 

[Cindyluwho]

Okay, here's the opinion of a step-child. I'm now a well adjusted (well, kinda) 42 year old but I've had more than my share of step-moms so maybe I can give you the step-child perspective.

My first stepmother was VERY generous with her own two children (one was my Dad's) and only bought something for me one time. I still remember it, it was a "maxi" dress. Remember those, floor length hippy things. And I loved it! But I definately resented that she always took us kids shopping and bought tons of stuff for her own kids.

Step-mom number two always bought me pretty clothes at Chrismas and on my birthday. My mother and my step-father spent their money on themselves, booze etc so we always had hand-me-downs plus my mother didn't do a lot of wash. Step-mom always did my laundry for me and treated me like one of her own kids. I was expected to help around the house and that's where I learned to do housework and to cook. I really loved her and her kids and have very fond memories of the 11 years she was in my life.

Step-mom number 3 was a saint. Seriously! She brought our fractured family together. Her kids and all of my Dad's kids from his 3 other marriages. She made us a family. She saw my father through rehab for alcoholism and gave me the courage to finally walk away from my miserable mother and step-father. Sadly, she passed away after being with my dad only 9 years. But, she taught me so many things, too many to mention and I miss her every day.

My current step-mom is my Aunt. HONEST TO GOD!! She's 13 years older than my real mother. Her and my real mom have never gotten along, in fact no one in my mother's family ever got along with my real mom hahahaha Her name is Ramona, but I call her Mo. I always called her Aunt Ramona growing up but that got wayyyy too many weird looks after she married my Dad. MY DD was born a year after her and my dad got together and she's the best Grandma you could imagine.

Bottom line: Treat your step-daughter as you would your own. In the future she'll appreciate it more than you can ever guess. Don't point out her mother's shortcomings. Even if she agrees, you're speaking about her mother and that will lead to bad feelings. Be patient, be loving.....

Bless all you step-parents, your job is so big, but you can make such a difference in a child's life.

 

[doxdogy]

I think that is why DD and I get along so well. I was never able to have any children of my own due to health problems. But, there was never any doubt in her mind how much I love her. And DH and have never spoken ill of her mother around her. Even to this day we don't do it. We have always encouraged a relationship with her mother. Though sadly her mother doesn't seem to want to put much work into their relationship. Being a parent; step, natural or adoptive is a tough job.

Originally posted by Cindyluwho
Bottom line: Treat your step-daughter as you would your own. In the future she'll appreciate it more than you can ever guess. Don't point out her mother's shortcomings. Even if she agrees, you're speaking about her mother and that will lead to bad feelings. Be patient, be loving.....

Bless all you step-parents, your job is so big, but you can make such a difference in a child's life.

 

[Tiggeroo]

i'm going to agree with alot of the other posters. You have to look at the big picture. If your dh's ex did not have any children living with her how much less might her bills be. She could live in a one bedroom apt. with utilities included if she wanted to. But she had kids, with the thought that she would be married to your dh and he would be working hard to help with the expenses. If he was living with her and raising those kids a whole lot more of his check then 345. a month would be going toward kid expenses. They need a house, at least 3 bedrooms, a yard, toys, video games, dance classes or soccer stuff, clothes, a few bucks in their pocket when they go to the dance or to the movies with their friends, when they go to the dr. they not only need health insurance but the co-pay for appt. and scripts, etc...
And kids break things all the time, even careful ones, they put holes in their clothes and get grass stains, they need new toothbrushes, toiletries... You just can't imagine how much kids really cost on a daily/monthly basis.
Then the marriage ends and all the money is what the mom makes plus 345. a month from dad. Huge difference. And yes I am both a mom and step, with a difficult ex in the picture so I understand.

 

[gravymom]

I usually try to steer clear of subjects like this, but this struck a nerve with me. Sorry in advance if what follows offends!

First, I am sitting here in a pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans (that I did get on sale) that were stained today while helping out at school. It was an accident. If it happens to adults, you can bet it happens to kids. Does your DH ride you when you stain something? Gripe about how much you cost him each month???

Second, I hate to break it to you, but $325 a month in child support is paltry. You mentioned that the ex is an RN. Well, she must be living high on the hog. I mean, the $20 or so an hour they pay her plus that princly sum of $325 - why, she's rolling in the dough!! Maybe you should take her back to court and reduce her child support! At least she is working - if not, that would be something else to gripe about!

You did not mention how many kids you have together. I can guarantee that you would not be so happy with $325 a month if you two ever split.

I apologize for the bitterness of this post. I am not divorced and do not have to deal with stepchildren. However, as a stepchild, I can tell you how bad it sucks to have to deal with a stepmother who is similar to you. Her kids always come first. I bet it is the same in your situation.

Maybe the reason he does not say anything is that it is not worth the turmoil it will cause. I cannot tell you the number of times my mother (who was one of those overpaid RNs who was never around cause she was working extra shifts to make ends meet, never mind extras!) was unable to purchase us stuff we needed. Yeah, we were ratty when we went to Dad's cause the pittance he paid my mother did not allow for super nice clothes and most times the mortgage was more important than buying us new clothes. And mind you, this was back before kids had to have the latest and greatest clothes, etc. It sucked having to ask my dad for any extra money for anything because he and the stepmonster would refuse and state that is what they paid child support for.

And finally, after reading your signature, shouldn't you (facing a very serious disease) realize the importance of family and the insignificance of money?

You had better pray that your kids (assuming you have some) NEVER have to walk in your stepdaughter's shoes. It is a long, hard path. But you keep up this attitude and I can pretty much assure you that they will. Maybe they will be blessed with a stepmother a little more generous of both heart and money.

 

[christineann]

I have to agree with the other posters as well. I've been single for almost ten years, and the ex is "voluntarily underemployed". I am supposed to get a $500/month for two teenagers. The ex and his wife spend more than that a month on booze, slasher videos for their "video library" and their pack-a-day habits. "Dinner out" is the $6.99 pizza special. But we consider ourselves lucky - we haven't seen or heard from him in 3 years, and we have a very stable, peaceful home. I work about 50 hours per week in a very stressful job and would love to have an easier job that I could leave at 5:00 - but I could not support my family on that.