Stepmom's business or no

[rodeo65]

You may be a step parent but it is still your house and you have responsibility for your stepson half of the time.

From the perspective of a parent who has just had to put an end to any out of school interaction between my son and one of his friends, I can tell you what went into that decision.

DS is 10 as is his friend. Our son is the oldest sibling while his friend is the youngest. Right off the bat the two sets of parents have different situations in their homes just from the age dynamics. Add in the fact that his friend's parents seem to be trying to let him be the "cool" kid at school and allow pretty much anything. He is given any video game he wants - any ratings level. There are no parental controls on any computer or TV in the house (Mom told me so). He is aggressive and rough with our son.

He was over (the last time ever) a month or so ago and DH was trying to find a movie on Netflix for the boys to watch. If there was not violence, gore, skin or adult content he was not interested and wanted to "wrestle" my son instead. He has no limits or boundaries so we have decided he is not a suitable friend for DS. DS actually agrees and said he feels uncomfortable with him AND gets hurt a lot of the time they play together.

You may find over time that with your stepson, the kids he ends up playing with or being friends with are the ones with parents who don't set age approporate limits as well and that kids you might prefer he hang around with are not interested or not allowed to. It may send him in a direction you don't want him going.

 

[surfergirl602]

I watch those HBO shows, and oh my god, I would NEVER be allowing a 12 year old boy to watch them. They even make ME squeamish! There is so much porn, blood and gore. Have you seem Spartacus, True Blood, Camelot, Game of Thrones???

IMO, that would be irresponsible parenting to let a child watch that kind of material.

I don't think you should stay out of it... I think you actually need to make some rules and stick to them.

Good luck.

 

[mamacatnv]

I'm not big on censorship but I do think that some common sense needs to prevail. I personally let my kids watch/play all sorts of things that other parents don't but in the event that another child is here in my house I always clear anything that is not "age appropriate" with their parents first.
The only thing I really monitored with both my kids was sexual content. Example, I will not allow my DD to watch Dexter or recently DH and I rented the movie series with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The reason, too much sexual content. I have no issue with violence but sex is a whole nother ball of wax to me.

In your circumstance I think you and DH need to arrive at some sort of compromise. My DH hates Modern Family, he thinks it is inappropriate but DD loves it and I don't think it is inappropriate. So, our compromise is that she watches it when he is not around.

IMO this issue is more of a parenting style than a step parent issue. You and DH don't agree, you have to resolve that first.

As to the HBO mobile, no way would I allow that again because I do respect the parents of my kid's friends and I respect their boundaries. With something like HBO Mobile there is no way you can monitor it or limit who see's it.

 

[luvmy3]

My 13 year old is not allowed to watch R rated movies (or TV shows) unless either dh and I have seen it and approve of it. There aren't many, and we watch with her if we need to mute certain parts
I think you have every right to not allow a 12 year old access to those movies and shows while under your supervision (and even though he isn't your child, he lives with you and that means you are a supervising adult during the time he does). If your dh wants to allow it, then maybe it should be only when he is with him instead of giving him carte blanche.

 

[Goofyluver]

Here's the thing that sticks out to me in all of this...

No, you're not this kid's biological mother. But, you are his parent. And as such, you and your hubby need to come to an agreement in how you will parent together...both your stepchild and your daughter.

In a few years, when you're in the same boat with your daughter, you have put yourself in a situation where the groundrules have already been set. You've agreed (in a way) that it is acceptable for a 12-year-old to have access to inappropriate television/media.

You need to come to a parenting agreement now. What will be acceptable in the future with your daughter should be acceptable now. If something will not be acceptable with the way you parent your daughter, then it shouldn't be acceptable now. In the same household (even with stepchildren), the same rules should apply to all children (in regards to situations like this).

I'm not sure why a 12-year-old needs access to HBO on his cell phone anyways. Heck, arguments can be made that maybe a 12 y.o. doesn't even need a cell.

You have a voice in this matter. Your house. Your input is important and is equally as important as this kid's father in your home.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm floored that your husband would be OK with your son watching that garbage. I don't know any parents personally who would be OK with that.

But, unless the issue is that you don't want that crap in your house, I think it's a situation where it's his father's call.

I don't have step children, so don't have to deal with anything like this. But I would need to make 100% sure that my own child never encountered it in my home. What your dd sees is your call. If that means parental controls are installed, so be it.

 

[Nancyg56]

My DH was not the father of my three kids but we always made decisions together. While he never disciplined the kids, that was my job, we did discuss parenting together. If he did not agree with a decision of mine we talked in private but we always were united in front of them. What strikes me in your case is that you do not seem to have any input in the day to day decision regarding your DSS upbringing unless it pertains to "our house" kind of rules.

FWIW, I would not have R rated films available for a 12 YO, and if the child was allowed to see one it would have been previewed by me. I have a hard time understanding why your DH would allow this if he knows that this is so uncomfortable for you. If he does know and still allows his son to watch in spite of your misgivings then you and he need to have a chat, as others have pointed out, this is a marriage problem.

I would point out to him that even if he determines his son is adult enough to make a mature decision regarding R rated movies, other parents may not find it appropriate for their kids. If my child was allowed unsupervised TV viewing one time that would be the last time a visit happened. I would also turn into one of those hovering parents when your DSS came to visit. My DD must do this with her DD's friend. She watches and listens to all kinds of adult material and then shares it with DGD. My DD has not stopped the child from visiting but will not leave them out of earshot.

 

[kirstenb1]

*sigh*...I think, OP, that your hubby doesn't want to be bothered and/or doesn't want to make any waves with his son and the ex. This is actually a marriage issue between you & your DH...if you think it's uncomfortable now, just wait until the 12 year-old gets into high school...girl-friends? curfews? alcohol? The two parental figures in the home need to be in agreement about what the rules are for the kids in the home.

Btw, 1)how much one-on-one time is your DH spending with his kid and 2)how much time is he spending parenting this boy?

Another thought is, if he thinks it's so great for his son/your stepson to indulge in these types of activities...is the father present when the movies are on? Is he playing these games and seeing what the content actually is? Sometimes (not always, just some times), parents think things are fine to have around until they have to participate...and then they think...hmmmm...maybe Johnny shouldn't be watching people's heads getting blown off.

agnes!

Great post!!

 

[kirbsam]

it is absolutely within your rights to put your foot down. as an aside, if my 12 year old were at a friends house watching r rated movies, you can bet they wouldnt be coming over much longer.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I really appreciate your input. It's just that sometimes, as a stepparents, you really can't win. Tell me anyway of handling something and there will have been someone who really resented their stepparents for that very thing. I have frequently been told that people resented their stepparents for overstepping into "parent" type decisions.

Bolded by me because I totally agree!

I am in the "my house, my rules" camp as well. There is no way that I would let one of my DSS's watch HBO unattended at that age. It's just not age appropriate.

Talk to your DH about the specific graphic content on HBO and see if he changes his mind.

 

[SmallWorld71]

Here's the thing that sticks out to me in all of this...

No, you're not this kid's biological mother. But, you are his parent. And as such, you and your hubby need to come to an agreement in how you will parent together...both your stepchild and your daughter.

In a few years, when you're in the same boat with your daughter, you have put yourself in a situation where the groundrules have already been set. You've agreed (in a way) that it is acceptable for a 12-year-old to have access to inappropriate television/media.

You need to come to a parenting agreement now. What will be acceptable in the future with your daughter should be acceptable now. If something will not be acceptable with the way you parent your daughter, then it shouldn't be acceptable now. In the same household (even with stepchildren), the same rules should apply to all children (in regards to situations like this).

I'm not sure why a 12-year-old needs access to HBO on his cell phone anyways. Heck, arguments can be made that maybe a 12 y.o. doesn't even need a cell.

You have a voice in this matter. Your house. Your input is important and is equally as important as this kid's father in your home.

I agree with this 100%. DS15 is my step-son and I know how hard it can be. But, if you and DH don't come to terms with each other on how to parent your kids, you are going to have major issues down the road with both kids. Good luck.

And FWIW, there is no way in Hades that I would allow my 12 year old access to that kind of inappropriate content.