Stepmom's business or no

[RachelEllen]

I have an almost 12 yo stepson and 3 year old daughter (also my husband's). DSS lives with us 50% of the time. Generally, I'm very much of the mindset that dad makes the rules. I keep it to myself if I disagree because we normally aren't talking about things that are that big of a deal. (Plus, I don't want it rubbed in my face if I feel differently when my daughter is a preteen!)

However, an issue has been coming up more and more that really bothers me, and I'm curious if people think this falls into the "stepmom -stay out" category or the "my household - my business" category. DSS is in this stage where movies are just "lame" unless they are R rated and video games are "lame" unless they are rated "M". I am extremely, extremely uncomfortable with an elementary schooler (well, almost middle school now, but still) watching R rated horror flicks, or playing the M rated shooters, or watching Family Guy....you get the picture. I've told DH that I'll keep my mouth shut if DH is actually present during the watching or playing, but, otherwise I'm very uncomfortable.

This came to a head this weekend, because I mentioned to my husband that I had installed HBO go on my iphone, DSS overheard, and asked if I would install it on his too. I was waiting for DH to say something along the lines of "hell, no" but he said yes. When I brought up later that perhaps he hadn't meant for DSS to be bringing full video content of the Sopronos and Sex and the City to 5th grade aftercare, he said I was nuts and obviously DSS just wanted to watch some movies.

Succiently :

1) DSS doesn't do that much screen time. So, at least 50% of these situations arise when there are friends here. I don't think we should be showing mature materials to other people's kids. And, I don't want to be "those parents" who allow it. (Our daughter is in the same school)

2) I'd feel, really, really uncomfortable allowing any kid that age to view this material. So, even though he's not my son, i just feel like its not good for him. I think the PG-13 horror stuff and teen video games are marginal at best, although I never said anything about restricting them to my husband, and the more mature stuff feels really over the line to me.

 

[Molliday]

I have a 13 year old step-daughter who is allowed much more leeway at her mom's house. She's with us every other weekend.

When she's at our house, she follows our rules. I'm not in her face about anything, but I'm not about to compromise the same rules I had for my two older daughters, because her mother allows something different at her own house, and my husband is aware of this.

No way would I agree with rated "R" movies for a 12 year old. I think that's way too young, and my husband and I would definitely be discussing it in private.

 

[kellydizfan]

I wouldn't yet - I agree with you. My DS who is 10 has 2 older sisters 13 to be 14 in a couple months and a 17 year old DS and we do not allow him to watch what they watch. They watch Secret Life of the American Teenager and he is not allowed in the room when it is on. He has to go into our room to watch TV at that time. I don't like alot of the games that are out there and my DH lets him play many of them and I just hate it. Even the boxing is horrible - made him get off of that.

 

[Mkrop]

I am not a stepmom but I do have a 13 year old boy.

He would not be watching that stuff unless he was watching it with his father. They have watched some movies together. DS would not be watching them with his friends unless we had permission from that child's parent. I would not be happy if he shared that with my kid at an aftercare program.


He does have one M game...Call of Duty...he prefers the sports ones, but he knows that he is not allowed to play it when his younger brother (8) is in the room.

I have noticed in my son's group of friends that the kids who come from divorced families have dads who are way too lenient in what they view and read...the movies they mention they have seen and they say that they have seen them at their dad's makes me go.. I know this from carpooling and when they play the movie game in the pool.

As DS gets older he is allowed to watch more things but we need to know first.

 

[Malibustyle23]

Does HBO still air Taxicab confessions and Bunny Ranch and other porn materials? It's been awhile since I've had cable so perhaps not? Ask your DH if it will be ok for DD to have the pornographic and mature material available when she is still in elementary school because the standard you are setting now your daughter will encourage to be consistent with for her also. Perhaps daddy will feel different for DD usually it's a mindless gender difference that makes it ok. He's a 12 year old boy even if he's just wanting it for the movies now it won't be very long before he realizes/wants it for other purposes. If even just to be the cool friend with no rules for entertainment.

Personally I'd have house rules for everyone in my house 17 and under can not watched R movies or play M games. If you can't buy them for yourself (carded) then it's a no go.

 

[agnes!]

*sigh*...I think, OP, that your hubby doesn't want to be bothered and/or doesn't want to make any waves with his son and the ex. This is actually a marriage issue between you & your DH...if you think it's uncomfortable now, just wait until the 12 year-old gets into high school...girl-friends? curfews? alcohol? The two parental figures in the home need to be in agreement about what the rules are for the kids in the home.

Btw, 1)how much one-on-one time is your DH spending with his kid and 2)how much time is he spending parenting this boy?

Another thought is, if he thinks it's so great for his son/your stepson to indulge in these types of activities...is the father present when the movies are on? Is he playing these games and seeing what the content actually is? Sometimes (not always, just some times), parents think things are fine to have around until they have to participate...and then they think...hmmmm...maybe Johnny shouldn't be watching people's heads getting blown off.

agnes!

 

[Mkrop]

Another question for dad...will he be ok with his DD watching gory movies or movies with adult content when she is the same age...I highly doubt it.

 

[golfgal]

I am a pretty lenient parent and I would not be happy if my 12 year old came home from a friend's house and had watched R rated movies without my consent. I don't think that having full access to HBO for a 12 year old is a good idea.

Also, as a child that had/has a step-mom, nothing bothered me more then her telling my dad that she didn't like something or wanted us to do something and then him relaying it to us. She was and still is one of my parents and I expected her to act that way, for what that is worth. In your situation, I would have expected her to sit down with me and explain why she didn't like that and didn't want me to do that when I was at their house. I also would have understood that. I also fully understood that there were different rules at Dad's house vs mom's house.

 

[RachelEllen]

DH is a really involved dad. DSS does have rules and responsibilities at our house. So it's not at all like a Disneyland dad situation. I think DH just still has a bit of the adolescent rebellious streak. As in, why should those ratings people get to tell me what's appropriate in my house. Which is why I'm cool with dh actually watching the movies. Once he actually started watching Family Giy (Marge Simpson rape scene anyone) it waz turned off for good.

DH also has a bit of a blind spot that he insist dss is to be believed and taken at face value unless proven otherwise. Good in theory... Not so good when we are talking about DSS saying "all my friends get to watch this" or "I promise, I'll only watch the pg films on the hbo ap"

 

[ols386]

My thought is that I wouldn't want my 12-year-old to be watching R rated movies, or at least not without a parent/step-parent watching with him. And I definitely wouldn't want to be showing those types of movies when his 12-year-old friends come to your house.

I think you also said that you have a 3-year-old, and she definitely does not need to be exposed to those types of movies.

I'm surprised your dh is ok with his son watching that kind of stuff.

If it were me I would stand my ground that I don't think he needs to be watching those movies at your house. Even though it is your "step"-son, it's still your home.

 

[RachelEllen]

I am a pretty lenient parent and I would not be happy if my 12 year old came home from a friend's house and had watched R rated movies without my consent. I don't think that having full access to HBO for a 12 year old is a good idea.

Also, as a child that had/has a step-mom, nothing bothered me more then her telling my dad that she didn't like something or wanted us to do something and then him relaying it to us. She was and still is one of my parents and I expected her to act that way, for what that is worth. In your situation, I would have expected her to sit down with me and explain why she didn't like that and didn't want me to do that when I was at their house. I also would have understood that. I also fully understood that there were different rules at Dad's house vs mom's house.

I really appreciate your input. It's just that sometimes, as a stepparents, you really can't win. Tell me anyway of handling something and there will have been someone who really resented their stepparents for that very thing. I have frequently been told that people resented their stepparents for overstepping into "parent" type decisions.

 

[agnes!]

Agree with the posters who mention the thought.. will your DH be ok with DD watching this stuff or playing these games when she is 12?

*And* is he ok with her watching them *now* (there might be some sharing of content with sis)? Also, in general, is he ok with 12-year old girls watching the R-rated movies? If it's ok for boys, then why not for girls?

For laughs you could always ask him if he would be ok watching these movies with his mother or your mother in the room...

Your Dh is opening up you guys to all sorts of issues unless the other parents have given permission for their kids to watch these movies or play these games at your house.
And thinking ahead...did I mention how much of a bad idea it will be to become known as the 'party house' where the parents provide alcohol...well, what's the difference between providing these R-rated movies to minors and providing alcohol to minors? Some of these other parents (you'd be surprised how many) won't care (until there is a problem and they have egg on their faces for their neglect) but some of them will care enough to go to war over the R-Rated movies and the M-rated games and whatever else your stepson is allowed to do at mom's. Hey, has anyone asked the mother what she actually allows at her house? Maybe the stepson is playing both of his parents against each other...

agnes!

 

[happygirl]

No, I wouldn't be okay with this at all.

 

[golfgal]

I really appreciate your input. It's just that sometimes, as a stepparents, you really can't win. Tell me anyway of handling something and there will have been someone who really resented their stepparents for that very thing. I have frequently been told that people resented their stepparents for overstepping into "parent" type decisions.

I know, that is why I gave you the "child's" point of view. I think too many people forget the "parent' part of "step-parent".

 

[agnes!]

I have to say, RachelEllen, that you sound like you're really trying to do the right thing, and that you really care about all your kids.

agnes!

 

[Disney Doll]

*sigh*...I think, OP, that your hubby doesn't want to be bothered and/or doesn't want to make any waves with his son and the ex. This is actually a marriage issue between you & your DH...if you think it's uncomfortable now, just wait until the 12 year-old gets into high school...girl-friends? curfews? alcohol? The two parental figures in the home need to be in agreement about what the rules are for the kids in the home.

Btw, 1)how much one-on-one time is your DH spending with his kid and 2)how much time is he spending parenting this boy?

Another thought is, if he thinks it's so great for his son/your stepson to indulge in these types of activities...is the father present when the movies are on? Is he playing these games and seeing what the content actually is? Sometimes (not always, just some times), parents think things are fine to have around until they have to participate...and then they think...hmmmm...maybe Johnny shouldn't be watching people's heads getting blown off.

agnes!

I agree with agnes.
Ths problem will only get bigger as this child gets older.

 

[Tink888]

Well, you are his step-mom and he lives with you half of the time. What goes on in your house IS your business.

I have two boys 15 & 13. By twelve they were playing some M rated video games. The violence doesn't bother me. The sexual content does and they don't play those games.

I would not be okay with HBO installed on either of my son's phones. Not then, not now. Show your DH a few of the more racier episodes of what is on there and ask him if he, as a parent (and not as a man) is okay with his 12 year old son seeing. 12/13 is the age when boys start looking for that stuff. On tv, on the computer, etc.

R-rated movies IMO are a case by case thing. My kids have seen some, others I will not allow.

And it's true that no matter what you limit at your house there is ALWAYS another house where it's not limited. No way to stop that from happening. The only limits you have control over are the ones in your own home, so if you want some limits, by all means set them.

 

[Malibustyle23]

What are the rules at moms house are these things allowed there? While I still wouldn't allow them at my house I'm just curious if you may have someone on your side.

 

[RachelEllen]

No idea about the rules at moms house. My husband doesn't take that into consideration and dss never brings it up! Some things she tends to be stricter on (really upset when dh let use dss use email at age 8.) some things not (let him have an airsoft rifle a good year before dad did... And I never would have allowed that one!)

 

[disykat]

I would approach it from the "other parent" standpoint. Your dh is limiting his child - because there will be a lot of kids not allowed to play with him if he has access to that stuff.

I think your dh is so busy trying to be fun dad he's overlooking what's best for his child.