Stepmom

[angel5809]

So why does he want to move everyone in to his DM"s house especially if he just bought a motorcycle, has really 2 jobs and want his df to pay for a class ring?

See that is the thing, he has never asked his df to pay for this ring, he just asked his dm to pay for it. I don't know why he wants to do that, he has not discussed it with his df, only asked his dm where they will stay at her house when they move back here from college. He and his girlfriend that lives with him are going to get married, just have never set a date. I think if this was something that he wanted to discuss with his df he would have, like he did with the motorcycle and when he needed help with college tuition.

 

[RadioNate]

Um, if he is 25, he should have a job and pay for his own dang ring as well as a place, for him, his gf, 2 dogs, snake to live.

and honestly, if he is 25, and wants to bring that all to his DM''s house, then no I wouldn't figure she would want to discuss it with his DF. she may mention it as well as the DS to him, but that is really between the 2 of them at that age.

Well the whole 25 and paying for his own apartment and ring is pretty much a given.

I think the mom called initially to ask for money for 1/2 the ring. I certainly wouldn't agree to pay for it at all or ask for half but I'm not this mom. While they were chatting I can see bringing up the moving in. I'm not sure she called to ask the ex's advice on letting the kid...just mentioned that he asked her in the course of the conversation.

 

[ccgirl]

Well see this is one thing you don't understand. When we go to ballgames that his younger son is in, she has told my husband that she does not want us to sit anywhere near her. She will not even speak to us. She does not even like the fact that I except the boys as my sons. I may not have given birth to them but I do think of them as my children as well as my own two children. She has blocked the younger son from seeing my FB profle and my husbands (his dad). I am not the one that is jealous, or hateful. This is she. She only spoke to me the first time that I met her, since then she will not even talk to me, I have tried to text her about something when it comes to the younger son, and she will not respond, she has to call my husband, which if it was on the other foot I would respond to her. You guys just don't know the whole story.

Aha!!! Now I get it.

First, there is no reason for her to be friends with you. Should she? Probably. Who cares if she sits with you? If his dad really wants the son to see his profile page he should tell the mom. Sorry but you do not have a say when it comes to the younger son - it is between the dad and the mom. She calls the husband to talk about the younger son because he is HIS son not yours. They need to make the decisions about the children, not you.

You way you think of them as your own two but it doesn't seem that way. Good luck...sounds like you have a long road ahead of you .

 

[hereyago]

Well the whole 25 and paying for his own apartment and ring is pretty much a given.

I think the mom called initially to ask for money for 1/2 the ring. I certainly wouldn't agree to pay for it at all or ask for half but I'm not this mom. While they were chatting I can see bringing up the moving in. I'm not sure she called to ask the ex's advice on letting the kid...just mentioned that he asked her in the course of the conversation.

However, if he all ready has the things in the way of apartment, pets, just bought a motorcycle and has a truck, this would be me if my kid who has all this ask me to pay for 1/2 of a class ring

 

[Nancyg56]

First................I have experience with one aspect of your "problem" so i am not going to "keep my mouth shut". I have three adult children. I am married to a man who is not their father. He has never adopted my children. HE IS THEIR FATHER. Yes, for the first time on these boards I am yelling. Years ago we separated and he still was their father. If I left tomorrow he would still be their father. Your husband raised this man since he was 3. He is his father and will be until the day he dies. Period.

Well I guess the problem is my husband, her ex has been the one to help him out with college expenses and she has not, she has not, she always told him she does not have the money. This college ring cost between 500 and 1300 dollars. This is not a necessity. He just paid 3400 for a motorcycle that he wanted and does not even know how to ride it. He has a truck to drive. And to answer who ever, my husband is involved with his son's life. She did tell my husband that she had the money to buy it, but was hesitant because of the cost, and when he questioned the amount it would cost she choked! She never wants to pay for anything buy herself!!

Your husband has chosen how he is going to support his son. That is not up to you. I understand that you and he share finances but he was the father before you married him, youe knew the deal. You just thought that it would change after you married. You should have ironed this out prior to marraige.

For the record, I would not have paid for the ring either. This troup would not move in with me either. I would have called thefather adn told him these cockamamy plans too.

No he is not married yet, but he is living with his girlfriend and there 2 dogs, 2 cats and a snake. He is buying things that he does not need, so it boils down to what is more important to him. When he got his HS ring he only wore it for a short while. He is bad about losing things. He has had more cell phones because he loses them or drops them in water. He graduates this august. I have 2 adult children from my previous marriage and they are 27, when they discuss things to me I dont call my ex and talk to him about it. They do have a relationship with there dad as well. They both graduated from college and we both help them out with what we can, but it is our own business in what we each do. I dont think he wants to ask his dad since he knows that his dad is the one that has always helped him out in the past financially and not his mom, she just thinks that her ex needs to always be responsible for this.

You chose how to co-exist with your ex. You DH has a different way and it is likely that you knew it if you were together any length of time befoe you married.

My husband is his first stepdad! He just raised him since he was 3, real dad did not want to be part of his life.

See above responses. This attitude is so offensive. So many people marry and then treat the steps like they are disposable.

She is the want that does not want to help out. She wants my husband to do it all. We are the ones that dont have the money like she does, we have to not pay one thing to do these things. She does not!!!

See, I don't get this. The financial arrangements are between your DH and his ex. Your DH needs to do what he is comfortable doing. Your issue is with him. Not his ex.

 

[ilovejack02]

Basically, this time it's about there son telling his mom that he wants her to buy him a college class ring and when he graduates, he wants him, girlfriend, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a snake to move in with her. He has not mentioned this to his dad, but his mom has took it upon herself to discuss this with his dad her ex, my husband, and she wants my ex to pay for half the ring.

That is what parents do , divorced or not. They discuss their children, grown or not : ) . 17 years in as a stepmom, take it from me, be glad they aren't screaming at each other and let them deal with their "child" themselves. My oldest is 22 , his Mom will call my husband if there is an issue with him. I think she is a raving loon, but glad she and my hubby can be civil and that is what matters.

Also as far as money goes, my hubby's ex would love my for him to be still supporting our DS22 LOL. I don't ever get in the middle. Hubby just laughs at her when she suggests we should be still paying his car insurance etc even though he has a full time job. I don't ever get involved in their discussions. If my hubby decided to help with his bills , as long as it didn't hurt us financially I would stay out of it.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm sure most regular posters know who it is, anyway. She should have just posted under her regular name.

This is a poster that has a LONG history of "step" issues.

Oh hell, why didn't I see this earlier.

We do know the story, same drama, different day.

 

[Allison]

Oh hell, why didn't I see this earlier.

We do know the story, same drama, different day.

Not sure why they are using a different name.

 

[wvjules]

THEIR
THEIR
THEIR
THEIR
THEIR​

There, I feel better now.

 

[Belle0101]

A couple random thoughts -

I firmly believe that, for the most part, people will treat you how you let them treat you.

I also believe that there are generally at least 3 sides to every story. Side A, Side B and the truth.

I copied / pasted this from an earlier post: "...I have tried to text her about something when it comes to the younger son, and she will not respond, she has to call my husband ..."

Unless it were an emergency, I would not have texted my DH's ex in regards to something concerning his children with her. I always understood that my role was that of step-parent. If asked I would offer my opinion but really, it truly was their decision on parenting matters.

It wasn't the easiest of situations at the beginning. There was clear jealousy on DH's ex's part. I think once she realized I was no threat to her relationship with their children it began to work itself out.

Their children are grown now and everyone - ex's, new spouses, kids - gets along quite well. When DH's ex's father died DH was asked to be a pallbearer. One of DH's has children and we all go the birthday parties vs. the kids having to have multiple parties for the grandkids (one for mom's and one for dad's side). It's so much easier for everyone involved.

I think OP needs to have a heart to heart with her DH and let her concerns and thoughts be known.

 

[ilovejack02]

THEIR
THEIR
THEIR
THEIR
THEIR​

There, I feel better now.

; )

 

[SaraJayne]

THEIR​

THEIR


THEIR


THEIR


THEIR​

There, I feel better now.

Thank you. And it's "accept", not "except". I hate to see people using the wrong words.

 

[angel5809]

I may be wrong but ....

I thought the OP's biological son was 25, not her stepson? I thought her stepson was 22 and still in college (his last year). What does the financial/divorce agreement dictate? You keep saying that she has not paid anything for him. I see this often in angry step parents it seems. I believe you said he lived with her before college; correct? If so, who do you think paid the rent/mortgage, clothing, food etc.???

Just out of curiosity, how long have your DH and yourself been married? Have you not discussed this previously? You really don't expect him to have an amicable relationship with his children's mother??

The 25 year old son, is her son by her first marriage, my husband married her when the son was 3, he helped raise him since his real dad did not want to be part of his life. In my husbands and her marriage the settlement did not pertain to him since he was not his birth dad and did not carry his name. He just out of being a good man calls him his son and help raise him. Everything he does for this boy is out of being a good man. When they divorced, the son was already in college and was living on his own in another city. He pays all of his bills and will be graduating in August. We have been married for almost 3 years and yes we have discussed this issue.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The 25 year old son, is her son by her first marriage, my husband married her when the son was 3, he helped raise him since his real dad did not want to be part of his life. In my husbands and her marriage the settlement did not pertain to him since he was not his birth dad and did not carry his name. He just out of being a good man calls him his son and help raise him. Everything he does for this boy is out of being a good man. When they divorced, the son was already in college and was living on his own in another city. He pays all of his bills and will be graduating in August. We have been married for almost 3 years and yes we have discussed this issue.

Sounds like sour grapes on your end then.

You married a man who was helping out his kid and now you want to complain about it?

You knew the deal going into this marriage. Just suck it up and soon the kid will be graduated and on his own.

 

[tlbwriter]

What part bothers you - that she is using their son to have a reason to talk to your DH? That your DH is still part of this guy's life? That she said your DH would pay for half of the ring without discussing it? That your DH is going to pay for half of the ring without discussing it with you?

 

[brockash]

imagine that, they are trying to co-parent. The nerve of them. Imagine, the mom is actually looking for and involving the dad in their son's life. Guess i don't see the problem?

sounds like it is time to put the jealousy behind you and let your dh be an involved coparent. Both parents have moved on from each other they have not, and should not, move on from their son.

Just my two cents.

ITA! Be happy the mom is keeping communication about their son with your DH, and be happy that your DH is interested. -It should at least make you feel better, for your own kids (if you have any or do in the future with him) that he'll hopefully still want to be an involved Dad and willing to co-parent with you, if anything ever happens to your relationship. I get that the kid is an adult, but he's still their child together- so I say it's a good thing, they're still willing to discuss their son together.

 

[mickeyboat]

So talk with your husband about your expectations as to how much your family is willing to support this adult son. Make sure the two of you are on the same page.

I fail to see how your husband's talking to his ex about their son is a problem, though. Parenting doesn't magically stop at a certain age, so neither does co-parenting. You are lucky to be married to a man who has embraced the responsibility of being the only father this boy has ever known.

Get over it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yes there may be parenting issues after 22, I was married at 18, had babies at 25, but, he is 25, if he wants to discuss certain things with his mom he can and if he wants to discuss certain things with his dad he can. My husband does not go running to her to talk to her about him!!! She just always trys to find ways to keep herself involved in my husbands life. She tries to tell us on how to run things at our house when it involves the younger son. She does not want to let go of her ex (may husband) even though she is remarried!!! And know you dont know what you are talking about. I am not self centered. I am the one that has always put everyone before myself!! I you new me as a person, then you would have not said that. You just sound hateful! Do you have any kids? Have you ever been married and divorced then remarried? Do you even know how any of this might feel? Why do you even bother posting anything if you cannot relate to this? Some people just need not respond and keep there mouth shut if they dont have any experence with the matter.

OK, so you post a post asking for opinions, get opinions that you don't like and now you're pissed.

Dear, if you post something on an Internet message board, you are probably going to hear opinions that you don't like.

So let's see if I can sort this out for you:

You married a man with a child. I assume that you knew he had a child when you married him and you were not "surprised with" the existence of this child at your wedding reception. Whether or not he is the child's biological father doesn't matter, because he has assumed the role of father to this child for 22years. He is the child's father. And it seems like he wants to be.

Said child is now an adult. Said child sounds like he is not too careful with material things, hence your reluctance to spend money on something that he will most likely lose or not wear for long. FTR, I agree with you. I have a HS & a college class ring that I never wore again once I graduated from the respective schools. If I had it to do over again, I would not purchase a HS or college ring. If I knew that I was one who did not take good care of or did not keep good track of my things, there's no way I'd spend the $$ on a ring I'd probably lose or not wear. And my parenst probably would not have either. If I knew my child was not good with keeping track of things, I'd tell him that if he wanted a class ring, he could pay for it himself. Perhaps using his own money would make him value the ring more and therefore take better care of it.

Ex-wife calling about shared child. It's going to happen. Shared child, while technically an adult, is still somewhat of a dependent. You need to learn to deal with it. If you feel that ex-wife is calling too often and DH is responding too much to her to the detriment of your family life, then that is a subject to discuss with DH. He needs to put the brakes on that and only speak to her when he feels it is appropriate for the well-being of their child.

I am sure you are correct that child is calling Mom with these requests because he is aware of how much his father has given him and knows he might hear the word "no" from Dad for this request of paying for the class ring. Guess what, Mom might hear the word "no" from Dad about this request too, and that would be fine. But it doesn't mean Mom shoudln't ask.

As far as child living in Mom's house with the menagerie....that is not your DH's place to say. Mom & her new DH need to say yes or no. Really, your DH has no say in that part of this matter. Mom basically has a few choices in the matter:
1. Son may live with her, but no girlfriend nor pets
2. Son and your pets may live with her, but no girlfriend
3. Son & girlfriend may live with her, but not pets
4. None of them can live with her. Son is 25 & should find his own place to live.

You & DH also have these same choices if & when son calls you to ask about living arrangements.

You would be better served if you learned how to better deal with the "blended family" situation that you have placed yourself in.

 

[Disney Doll]

I deal with this all of the time, this may not be on mom alone as you have said, but it has been on dad alone all of the other times. Why is it ok for the mom and not the dad? Yes, just because they are divorced, why should he be the one that always has to doe out money, he was in college when they got divorced. She hasn't put a dime toward anything, but the dad has. OMG, you mean that this one time she could not do it all by herself? She said she had the money, she just didnt want to do it, she wants her ex(my husband) to to it. He told her no, she did not know what to say. She is the want that does not want to help out. She wants my husband to do it all. We are the ones that dont have the money like she does, we have to not pay one thing to do these things. She does not!!!

Your husband could say no. If he didn't, then your anger is being directed at the worng person.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Sounds like sour grapes on your end then.

You married a man who was helping out his kid and now you want to complain about it?

You knew the deal going into this marriage. Just suck it up and soon the kid will be graduated and on his own.

Wow, she married a good guy and wants to change that.