Step-parents support group!!! *NO FLAMES!!*

[BabyTigger99]

Hey all you steps out there. Thought I would start this thread for all of us. I know I have posted about things involving my stepdaughter, and have gotten FLAMED big time by those coming from the other side. Hopefully this can be a place for all of our trials and tribulations.

I have a 12 year old step daughter. DH and I started dating a few months after she turned 5, and were married just after she turned 7. We also have a 6 year old son together. DSD lives with her mom during the week, about an hour away, and is with us on the weekends.

She is hitting "that age" and is making DH and I want to rip our hair out sometimes!! DH and her mom parent in different ways, mainly in the fact that DH and I are always home, and her mom NEVER is!

Okay, who's next!

 

[barkley]

if it makes you feel any better while our marriage involves no "steps" our dd (11) is making us feel very much the same.

 

[BabyTigger99]

Oh, I know that all kids go through those times! Trust me, I remember doing it myself!!

 

[Shugardrawers]

Sometimes it helps to know you aren't alone. I have an 18 yr old DD (I hate the word step, to me it implies a kind of detachment and I'm certainly not detached from her). She came to be mine when she was 13 and while her mother does a fine job and I never wanted to replace her I was prepared to do so if necessary. Kinda like the 1st runner up to Miss America huh? For this we get the reputation of being evil. I see to it that the child support gets paid, I'm the one she calls when she wants something, I'm the one who worries about her and yet I'm the one who is so evil. There are plenty of step parents out there who can't seem to take their focus off their hatred for the other parent and put it on the child.

 

[lulugirl]

I'm not a step-parent, but just had to say I admire anyone who takes on that challenge. I'm a product of divorce, I had two step-parents growing up, so I know it's not easy!

 

[MNSusan]

My DH and I have a *blended* family. We married 20 years ago when the kids were 9, 11 (mine), 13, 16 (his). We survived!!! After being the "step-monster and dad" or "mom and step-fossil" for a long time, we are now "the folks." If you can, try to see the humor in situations. Laughing saved our family, and toughened up the skin a bit.

Good luck!

 

[Shugardrawers]

I laughingly refer to myself as the stepmonster too. Everything seemed to be fine in Dh's relationship with his ex until I came along although I came 4 years after the divorce. I think jealousy has a lot to do with it. Probably that's normal but at the 4 year mark it's time to get past it and move on.

 

[Marseeya]

I hope you don't mind if I peek in.

My DH has been raising my son since he was 3 -- the only father he's ever known. They've become so distant over the years and it's turned into a step relationship, which really breaks my heart.

Guess I could use some insight.

 

[tiff211]

My DD14 and DH don't get along. They "tolerate" each other. They get into agruments when I am not around (she won't dare when I am!) It's stressful on me to feel like I am in the middle all the time.

 

[crs7568]

I am not a stepmother, but I am a stepdaughter. I did not always have the greatest relationship with my stepmother, but now that I am an adult I consider her to be one of my friends. In fact, I have started calling her my "bonus mother" so keep your chin up and realize that things will get better and one day you will finally be appreciated.

 

[dizluvr71]

My DD14 and DH don't get along. They "tolerate" each other. They get into agruments when I am not around (she won't dare when I am!) It's stressful on me to feel like I am in the middle all the time.

I can totally relate. My DS8 sure has his moments, especially when he gets home from a weekend with his Dad. My DH is pretty understanding, but I always feel like I am in the middle.

DH does have a DSD16 from his previous marriage of 13 years. He is pretty much the only father she knows and spends her weekends with us. It was a huge adjustment jumping into the teen years but she and I have a wonderful relationship. Her mom actually thanked me at her 16th birthday party for being there for her daughter and including her into our family. I wouldn't have it any other way!!

 

[Tjaleks]

DH does have a DSD16 from his previous marriage of 13 years. He is pretty much the only father she knows and spends her weekends with us. It was a huge adjustment jumping into the teen years but she and I have a wonderful relationship. Her mom actually thanked me at her 16th birthday party for being there for her daughter and including her into our family. I wouldn't have it any other way!!

We need more people like you

 

[grinningghost]

I am a stepmother. My stepson is now almost 21 and a first-class loser. He's always lived with his mom, except for one brief time when my DH took him to live with us. That didn't work, as he refused to live with rules - and his mom didn't have any, so he went back.

I'm sure I'm considered the "evil" stepmother, as I didn't like to put up with the kid's crap, but I'd rather have that label than be called "unfit" as his real mother has been called ever since I've known her, by everyone except the judge.

 

[helenk]

I'm a stepmom, my husband's son was 14 when we got married and my children were 13 and 7. This was 10 years ago.
My husband son unfortunately was nothing but trouble, in and out of the juvenile system, and now as an adult is a drug addict and is currently in jail. Talk about a strain on a relationship....
My son who was 13 got along ok with my husband, but my daughter..well oil and water. Even to this day they do not always see eye to eye, and I would always feel compelled to stick up for her when they argued.
The hard part is trying to divide your your time between everyone, if you stick up for your children, your husband feels left out and cheated and when you stick up for your husband the children feel left out.
You alway think that everyone will grow together, one big happy family, but it did not happen for us.
I do feel fortunate that my children in spite of the tension did well in school, stayed away from drugs.
My son lives with his fiancee and my daughter is in college and my husband is thrilled "to have me all to himself"

 

[Shugardrawers]

I forgot to say, I'm also a "step" DD although neither of us has every used the word step. My DAD came along when we were 11, 15 and 16. Some kinda guy taking on a woman with 3 teenagers! He told me a few days before the wedding that we were a package deal. He always treated us as such. He knew we had a bio father who had issues of his own and wasn't able to parent us and so he took the job willingly. I love that man. When mom dies (she will definitely go first) he will remain in my life. He's just my Dad. There was never any question.

That's not appropriate for every step relationship since there are many wonderful parents out there but the point is that being a step doesn't have to be negative. It can work out wonderfully.

 

[dizluvr71]

That's not appropriate for every step relationship since there are many wonderful parents out there but the point is that being a step doesn't have to be negative. It can work out wonderfully.

I have to agree, my father died when I was 14 and my mother did not re-marry until I was 24. My step-father is the most wonderful man and even though my brother and I were grown he still considered it a package deal. Has always been wonderful to us both and would do anything for us. He's also the best grandfather ever!! All 4 grandkids think the world of him, and my DS8 is practically a spitting image (even though there is no blood relation.)

 

[PatsGirl]

No flames being thrown here just some advice for steps: My DD8's dad married and re-married the same woman after our split. The first split was because of how poorly she treated my daughter, 4, at the time of the first marriage. The second, who knows...

For some reason, she thought she was marrying a single man with no past. Did she not recognize this child on the weekends visits before the big day? Did she not recognize her as the flower child? She was downright nasty to my DD for one reason only -- jealousy and being unable to step up to the plate and give up her "single/no kids partying life" every other weekend.

For the record, I've always felt it would be best everyone (but especially the kids) if I made every attempt to get along with and promote a good step-relationship with their prospective stepmothers. Now, I simply make it clear that if my DD or DS is not being treated with the respect and love that they deserve, they won't be visiting!

So, to all of you who might be considering marrying someone with kids, remember, this is not picnic, kids can be a trial and kids trying to split their time and loyalties between parents are especially difficult. Try to put the kids first.

Thanks for letting me rant -- hope no one considers this a flame, it's not meant to be -- only a heads-up to the difficulties you may encounter.

Brenda

 

[Honeibee]

I'm very happy to see this post, as I have just married a great guy with four school age children. But I won't discuss it here because the couple of times I have posted about my stepchildren I have gotten flamed up one side and down the other. So I don't even mention that I have them. Which is sad because they are a big part of my life and I spend so much time on the DIS that I'd love to tell stories and sometimes vent and sometimes boast...but I won't.

It really bothered me when I got jumped all over by people who A) weren't step parents so they had no idea what it's like and B) don't know us or their mother or the situation.

But anyway....thanks for being a brave soul and posting! I'll be here supporting you!

 

[Cindyluwho]

I don't know a thing about being a step-parent, but I think of myself as an expert on being a step-child. My father has been married 5 times, so I've had my share of step-moms. All in all they've been great, I'm still close to one of them - she was the one who always came to my school functions. they lived 90 minutes away so I know it wasn't easy. She wasn't perfect, but then who is. My father has slowed down in his later years and has been married to my Aunt for the last 13 years. Yes, my aunt. She's one of the best moms I've ever had! She's my DDs Grandma and we all love her dearly. My advice to step-moms is this:
-Be interested in the child-go to sporting events, school functions, etc
-Don't try to take the place of the parent, but don't try to be a best friend either
-Don't take sides EVER
-Don't ever say bad things about the other parent, no matter how horrible they are EVER
Good Luck! Us Step-kids thank you for all of your hard work!

 

[smfritz03]

Im a stepparent to two wonderful kids ds8 and dd6--i have an 7 yr old dd and a 1 yr old dd w/ my dh. Me and the kids mom used to get along, but only as long as she had complete control and knew everything that was going on. It finally came to a head this past summer when dh allowed the kids to go spend the night with his dad (their grandfather) she lost complete control and went and filed charges against dh on the claim that the kids always had to be w/ him or w/ her. Of course that didnt fly w/ the judge and she was quickly put in place. But thats the type of person I deal w/---if she isnt in control then everyone suffers. Even the kids. She tells them bad things about their dad and they are to the point where they want to live w/ us and she keeps telling them no-not even when they are older. Its hard and there are many times when I want to throw my hands up--but theres NO WAY I would leave dh to handle this nutcase alone!!! Soo--now we just go about our business, who cares if it makes her mad--its our home and we have our rules--when we tried to "co parent" it backfired BIG time!!! (Like she would tell us things she wanted to keep the same between houses--so we would follow and then she would turn it around and do the opposite to be the "fun" parent--she has even went as far as telling dh he cant do fun things w/ the kids because she is the fun parent not him) Her own attorney in court told her and the judge she needed in counseling because she was ruining the kids. Oh well--we show them by example in our house and show them love and how it is to be in a family. To us, there is no his, hers and ours---its just all ours and thats how we make a go of it.