Step-parents support group!!! *NO FLAMES!!*

[mamaprincess]

We're a blended family. Luckily my girls don't remeber there lives before their stepdad. It's like they always had 2 dads. All of us get along very well. Too well for some. People really expect you to fight eachother, but we know it's all about providing a safe loving environment for all our kids.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I'm very happy to see this post, as I have just married a great guy with four school age children. But I won't discuss it here because the couple of times I have posted about my stepchildren I have gotten flamed up one side and down the other.

Hey, no flames, remember? Post if you like, who knows better than us that it's not always the Brady Bunch? Even in my family, as much as I love my Dad, it wasn't. If anyone dares flame you here, I'll back you up

 

[MOMOFMNM]

I have two daughters and dd7 is not my bio child but I rarely say step daughter...
look at us down below...can you even tell by looking they do not all belong to us??? Betcha if I had not said anything you would look at the pic and not see a "step"...I am also an adopted child...my stepdad who is my dad adopted us. I just want to say that I stay home with the kids all of them, after school, on vacations, early out days, and we have joint custody of her but her mom works a lot so she is really here about 80% of the time. She is an only child at her moms house and I know I require more of the kids here at my home, I demand a lot of respect and team work (I have been in education for 10 years now...) I guess the thing that bothers me is, I do all the hard work and spend my life devoted to the kids all the kids!! I love it but sometimes I do not get the respect and gratitude I think I deserve. I am not asking for a gold crown or anything but sometimes I feel like evil step mom and then her mom comes in a wisks her away for the two hours a night (only three times a week) they split up days of the week BTW...and it is liike instant party time, spoiledm whatever you want time!! I think that one poster is right, it is a lot about jealousy. She can not stand that I am a good mom and hates the thought of her daugher "liking or loving" another woman. I say you make your bed, you lie in it! My dd's also have a step mother who was having an affair with my ex while we were married so I guess you could say she stole him away...but I get along fine with her. We even send her birthday presents and cards and call them while ex is in Iraq. So I am obviously not cold hearted nor do I try to play games but it is just a really hard situation to deal with sometimes (I see his ex every day that she picks her up from my house after school....) that is ok as long as we have no problems, and we have had a few that is for sure!!

How do you all handle the kids birthdays? Do you celebrate together?
Just wondering...

as you can see below, we are very happy and my dh is EXCELLENT with my daughters and his!! We just have a lot of love for everyone. I wish that we could get more support from his family but that is another story.

Thanks for sharing and reading

 

[NMAmy]

You know, the title of this thread says "No Flames" but I see a whole lot of flaming of the mothers of your stepchildren.

I'm a stepmom and granted, my stepdaughter is an adult so I don't have any parenting issues with her. As long as I remember to send out the birthday/Christmas cards with a check, she thinks I'm swell! She has a mom who may have raised her child differently than I've raised mine but dd is a wonderful young lady and her mom gets the credit for that.

DH is dd's stepfather. She has a dad. He sees his role as being her biggest fan and advocate. They adore each other. She doesn't break the rules when she's with him because she loves being with him. Do we badmouth her dad or criticize the way he handles things when she's with him? Absolutely not. He has his faults but he's the father of my child and deserves respect.

 

[experiment626mom]

"Wicked Step Mother" here (My favorite name for myself)
I have 3 stepkids 24, 17, 12. All three kids have been a challenge, but the last one is going to drive me to drink!!!

Like Shugardrawers, I too write the child support checks, and worry (with my dh) about the kids and make sure grades are where they are suppose to be. Their mom is too busy partying to worry about her kids. And when they turn 18 she kicks them out, because she can no longer collect support on them. The kids know it too!!

Thank you for starting this thread, sometimes I think it's just me.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

You know, the title of this thread says "No Flames" but I see a whole lot of flaming of the mothers of your stepchildren.

I'm a stepmom and granted, my stepdaughter is an adult so I don't have any parenting issues with her. As long as I remember to send out the birthday/Christmas cards with a check, she thinks I'm swell! She has a mom who may have raised her child differently than I've raised mine but dd is a wonderful young lady and her mom gets the credit for that.

DH is dd's stepfather. She has a dad. He sees his role as being her biggest fan and advocate. They adore each other. She doesn't break the rules when she's with him because she loves being with him. Do we badmouth her dad or criticize the way he handles things when she's with him? Absolutely not. He has his faults but he's the father of my child and deserves respect.

Your right and perhaps we are a bit too hard on the non step parents although I am both and have both in my life. I think the no flames was about step parents to come here with their feelings. right or wrong happy or sad and not be judged by it...it is really hard to find an outlet for step parents to talk without feeling like they are doing something mean or hateful to the bio parent...obviously some need to talk and vent if that is the case, and better to do it here than at home I guess!!

Just seems like society in general supports the evil step parent stereotype...but when a step parent has grievences they are just being rude or mean to the other parent...

it is a double edged sword for some of us

 

[Shugardrawers]

I'll step up and say that my ex-wife in-law does a great job. My DD is a lovely girl and it's due to the raising of her mother. I don't personally care for her but we are always civil to each other. We make our relationship as good as possible for DD's sake. That's the best you can do.

 

[TeresaMc]

I am a step-parent to my 14 yo stepson. I do not refer to him as my stepson, nor does he refer to me as his step mom. He has been a part of our family since day 1.....he was only 3 months old when DH and I moved in together. So it has always been Dad & Teresa and Mom. I get along with his biological mom well...she comes to our house for birthdays, holidays, etc. She lives 3 hours away and does not see her son very often but reminds me quite often how thankful she is that I am there for her son. DH works shifts and I am home most evenings so I am the one he asks things of all of the time, whether dad is home or not. So he might be technically my stepson...but he is really "my son".

 

[BabyTigger99]

While I don't write the checks, we are the ones that worry about her. Always checking up on her grades. I send her e-cards everytime she does well on something in school, and if the grades are not where they should be, she knows she had best be prepared to spend some extra time studying and reading when she is at our house.

In our case, her mom is too busy working to take time. At least one night a week my DSD is sleeping over at someone else's home, because her mom isn't home. She also has problems getting her mom to sign things for school, because she is always sleeping, and gets mad if DSD wakes her up.

DSD was all up on the idea to come live with us, try it for the school year. She mentioned it to her mom, and her mom said "No way in H-E-double hockey sticks will you go live with your dad". All those conversations stopped after that.

 

[Microcell]

I am not a stepmother, but I am a stepdaughter. I did not always have the greatest relationship with my stepmother, but now that I am an adult I consider her to be one of my friends. In fact, I have started calling her my "bonus mother" so keep your chin up and realize that things will get better and one day you will finally be appreciated.

I am a step daughter willing to offer insight if you all want it.

I cannot stand my step mother, and I have known her 25 years now, since I was 8. She was cruel to me, passive aggressive, and treated me like I could get pregnant at any time and wreck her life. I was not even dating yet when she came to feel this way about me. I was a good kid and she treated me badly.

My mother passed away when I was 16, but still this woman persisted in complaining about my mom, talking ill of her and of me. My father gave over control of us to her. Told her she had carte blanche in all things related to us. She was horrible.

I understand I come from an extreme case, but I still have a list of things she could have done that would mean a relationship now.

First of all keep this in mind: If you are June Cleaver herself and could do everything right, you are the safe target. The step may be mad at your DH, but it is safer to take out that anger on you. If you want them to realize that you are not to blame at least by the time they have babies to kiss and hug then think about the following:

1. Be kind
2. Leave the disipline to your DH or DW whichever is the case. If, like my not at all good father, he tells you that he wants you to, tell him it is not your job.
3. Do not even roll your eyes behind the step child's back about the former wife, she was good enough for your DH at some point.
4. Laugh, have fun, joke, compliment the step.
5. Reassure them that you would never presume to take thier mother's place and compliment something you like about their mom.
6. Do not refer to them as your son or daughter unless they say they want you to. It was like trying to erase my mom in my mind. I was too scared, but I wanted to just humiliate her when she did that by correcting her.

The only time I remember my step monster being nice was when I told her I got an A on a test, and she said "Well, of course, you know your mom was very smart, at least academically".

It went a long way.

 

[doxdogy]

When I met DH, DD ( I don't like step either) was 18 months old. She was almost 4 when we married. We had some tough times with her. Basically, her mother (and grandmother who helped raise her) allowed her to do anything she wanted. Where her father and I had rules and she was expected to follow them. She started calling me mom (on her own) when she was six. When she was 13 she wanted to live with us. Didn't like the rules, so went back to her mother (whe she later admitted was a mistake). But when she became engaged, I was the one she wanted to go with her to pick out her wedding dress. She even told a teacher once in elementary school that her stepmother wasn't evil like Cinderella's. She will even tell people that I am more of a mother to her then her biological mother. In fact we are heading to Disney together again in January.

In fact DH says she has more of my personality then his or her mother's. He says that you can tell she is your daughter. If I didn't know better, I would swear you gave birth to her.

 

[hugsquared]

I too have a DD (as she hates the word "step" as much as I do) and I honestly don't think I could love her any more if I had given birth to her. She turned 3 the month before DH and I met, and she will be 10 in January. She is the most loving, giving, thoughtful and wonderful daughter anyone could ask for. She lives with her mom and while the ex and I have had our moments of strife, we (ex, me or DH) have never let any of our feelings towards each other interfer with taking care of or loving DD. If her mom fell off the face of the earth today I would 1. not shed a tear and 2. take that child into our home and shower her with more love and attention than she would know what to do with.
I also have a step mom whom I love, and have always loved with all my heart. She has never said one cross word to me and in my opinion, she has been my role model into the kind of step parent I want to be. I feel so lucky to have had 2 people outside of my family become a part of my life and become my family. To me its an honor to be a part of their lives.

 

[Microcell]

Just seems like society in general supports the evil step parent stereotype...but when a step parent has grievences they are just being rude or mean to the other parent...

it is a double edged sword for some of us

Again, as a step daughter, I want you to understand. I am not flaming here at all, I want to help you see the kid's perspective. Second marriages have a greater failure rate, and having to live it, I see why.

It seems natural that the second spouse is negative about the first one, and I couldn't even speculate to the feelings involved there, but from my personal experience it was jealousy on the part of my step mother.

I really think that there is one very simple reason for the evil stigma... a kid is devistated by divorce. There are feelings of confusion about which parent to choose to be loyal to (I know you all say there is no choosing, but your parents consider the other bad as a kid would see it so one must be right and the other wrong, and all of your kids agonize about who that is) so the safest person to target is the one you are not blood related to. Your spouse already left once, no matter through who's fault, and to a kid, there is nothing more scary than to lose either parent, from living in the house where they are growing up.

Also think about your children and who is best suited to care for them if god forbid you die. No one is as good as you, everyone you can think of has quirks of some sort you don't like. Well, add a third person to the mix all the time and there you go.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I've had both steps in my life. I've already posted about my wonderful Dad who came alone when I was 15. When I was 12 we went to live with our bio father. He had married a woman who was the evil step mother. She didn't talk badly about our mother much but it was obvious she didn't want us there. We were grounded to our rooms constantly. She once told me the school called and said I'd been in trouble but they wouldn't tell her why. Of course, I hadn't been but I was grounded for a month to my room anyway. She called us dummy, called me tubby and basically hated us. She once told me my father wouldn't allow her to have a child of her own because he was afraid it would turn out like us Every time I mentioned something I wanted to do when I grew up she'd shoot me down. When I said I wanted to be a beautician she said I'd never make it. When I said I wanted to be a paralegal she said I was too stupid and not the college type. I think that's why I never went to college. Those kinds of things stay with you. We were only allowed to eat what she gave us and that was very little. I think that's why I developed an eating disorder. I eventually called my grandpa and he took custody of me. My brother and sister followed shortly after.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

I'm a stepmom. I think I could write a book.

There are so many issues at the different ages/stages.

I married DH when my stepdaughter was 5. For the first several months, she wouldn't talk to or address me directly. She called me "her."

After two custody battles and thousands and thousands of dollars, we finally got custody of her when she was 9. The damage had already been done.

We've been through counseling and medication, and now her mother is invited to visit her whenever she wants...but DD won't be back around the mom's drug culture any more.

Many days I feel like I've ripped a child away from her rightful mom. But I also know that just because a woman is able to give birth doesn't make her a mom.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

Again, as a step daughter, I want you to understand. I am not flaming here at all, I want to help you see the kid's perspective. Second marriages have a greater failure rate, and having to live it, I see why.

It seems natural that the second spouse is negative about the first one, and I couldn't even speculate to the feelings involved there, but from my personal experience it was jealousy on the part of my step mother.

I really think that there is one very simple reason for the evil stigma... a kid is devistated by divorce. There are feelings of confusion about which parent to choose to be loyal to (I know you all say there is no choosing, but your parents consider the other bad as a kid would see it so one must be right and the other wrong, and all of your kids agonize about who that is) so the safest person to target is the one you are not blood related to. Your spouse already left once, no matter through who's fault, and to a kid, there is nothing more scary than to lose either parent, from living in the house where they are growing up.

Also think about your children and who is best suited to care for them if god forbid you die. No one is as good as you, everyone you can think of has quirks of some sort you don't like. Well, add a third person to the mix all the time and there you go.

Jealousy is from the person who gives into it...we all have tendancies at times no matter who we are...maybe a step parent is not as much jealous as they are resentful or hurt. I know I do a lot for all of our children and I am always at home, always there, always picking up the pieces, always planning a Disney family vacation while her mom plans a Cancun trip and tells her own dd that she is on "business." Oh and of course she stays with us whenever she needs to be somewhere. I am so sorry you had a bad experience with your step parent, mine adopted me and to this day he is my dad. I tend not to say who is my biological parent of family rather, I look at all the great things and wonderful love someone gives to me, those who are gifts in my life.
As far as discipline goes, I would not call it that...I use a lot of observation and guidance for my kids and I would be wrong not to show the same care and concern for her...it is my job as a co parent, adult, and caregiver. That would be like you telling the childcare worker not to discipline the kids...it is not realistis esp when the child is living with you most of the time.
I come from about every perspective there is: step child, step mother, and a mother of two who has a step mother so you can see where I have my own
"qualifications."
I re read my posts and know it sounds kinda bitter but I guess it is a touchy subject in most families, not nearly enough to cause chaos or conflict in my family or marriage but sometimes we need to get it off our chests and have people in the same situation hear us

 

[mrsheppo]

I have been a step mother to my DH's 6 kids for almost 8 years now. I refer to them as my kids also and I have 4 kids of my own too. His kids in all the years I have been a part of their father's life have yet to accept me. Strangers on the street are treated with more respect than I am. These are not "young" children, their ages are 11 to 24. I always make sure that the child support checks are sent on time, birthdays, Christmas and graduations are remembered and when they come to visit, I make sure to bake cookies for them and have their favorite foods prepared for them (they are extremely picky eaters). I have yet to ever receive a birthday greeting from any of them and if I answer the phone, it's "Where's my Dad". We have sent money and care packages to those in college.

When DH's only daughter got married last year, his ex told us 3 weeks before the wedding that no arrangements had been made except for the church and that we needed to take over making this wedding happen. In that time, I ordered food, cake, centerpieces, flowers. I even made the favors for them which his ex thought were so cute. When we received the wedding invitation, it was addressed to "DH and family".

Only in the last year has his daughter started to accept me a little. Her DH has had a lot of influence over her. She will talk to me for a few minutes on the phone. When they had their own apartment last year and my DH was out of town for a month on business, I made sure I sent gift cards for the grocery store so they could eat.

I become so frustrated as my 4 kids accepted DH as part of their lives and treat him like a dad. I do not badmouth their mother whatsoever and I have even had several phone conversations with her.

His ex recently remarried and I wonder how her new husband is treated as all the kids, including DD and her DH have moved back in with them. Thank you for starting this thread to give us a chance to share experiences with each other.